Fly Away Home to Heaven....

Last Entry

2011-10-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends,

As you very well know I'm not here blogging as often as I used to be. I began a new blog some time back & have incorporated Isaac & Hannah into that one. My other blog is more of my day to day life. Considering Isaac & Hannah's names are on my lips as often as my other children, I felt it made sense to combine the two blogs.

Thank you for loving on me during my hurts & holding my hand during my fears. I will continue to hold your names & faces in my heart & pray for this beautiful group of women I've found.

In Him,
Tina
Revelation 21:4

Christmas Memories

2010-11-30T20:31:00.000-08:00

I came across a post from Sufficient Grace Ministries sister site, Walking With You~Bereavement Support. It was about remembering our little ones in Heaven at Christmas.
I need to be totally honest, the thought of Christmas without Isaac & Hannah brings a terrible knot to my stomach. This is my 3rd year without them & the tension in me begins to rise. I start feeling an inner countdown to just survive the holiday.
Now, I think up till right now, at this moment, I've denied that. I really don't think even Dan knows how painful this time of the year is for me. There's a certain amount of guilt mixed in, like I oughta be more happy. It is Christmas after all, & we celebrate the birth of Christ so shouldn't I be really joyful??
Well, I haven't been, although I do smile & enjoy Advent & seeing the excitement on the kids faces, there's the continual dull ache inside me.
Well, this post I read at WWY really challenged me, I don't think that was Kelly's intention. Or maybe it was, but it challenged me.
How can I honor my babies??
In the past I've tried buying an ornament for both Isaac & Hannah but found nothing "good enough" for them. I would just roam the store for an hour & eventually leave sick & crying.
However, this year I was blessed to receive Wings from Angel Wings~Memorial Boutique
so I have some "ornaments" for my babies.

Here's a pic of them both

So I hung them on the tree & you know what? It felt really good!!
Then I read the post from WWY & my mind suddenly felt less fogged & cluttered & I realized my perspective has been all wrong!
Yes, my babies being gone is going to continue to give me that dull ache, maybe til the day I die.
Probably.
BUT......
I need to see this accurately, Christ came to save me. He came to bring me everlasting life through His death & Resurrection & through His overcoming death I not only have salvation, I will see Isaac & Hannah again!!
There will be a day when I will feel no more pain or hurt & I will rejoice in Heaven, praising my Savior. And I will be rejoicing WITH MY CHILDREN!!
Woo-hoo!! Pretty awesome isn't it???
That change in perspective really got me excited about making memories with my girls & including my little ones that are waiting in Heaven for me.
I thought maybe they would like to make ornaments for Isaac & Hannah, & maybe I'll make some stockings for them.
We could write Christmas letters to our babies & release them to Heaven tied to balloons.
There are so many things we could do.
I know it's still gonna be difficult but I think making a conscience effort to find joy in all circumstances will make a world of difference.

Mama loves you my Butterfly Babies....

Fear

2010-11-29T00:03:00.000-08:00

With the holiday season approaching I have felt down but have recently decided I will not allow the depression to rule me. However, the fear creeps in to replace it. I'm sure you BLM's can relate, the fear that makes no sense & just washes over you.

Fear to let your husband drive away because maybe he won't come home.
Fear to let your child fall asleep because maybe he won't wake up.
Fear to watch your parent walk out the door because maybe she'll never return.

When you've gone through sudden death the fear is different...at least to me. It's not the fear of death I have as much as the fear of shock, the fear of anguish, the fear of emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness. That's been happening to me since the day I heard the words "no heartbeat"
Then once I "survived" burying my son, when I finally began to feel somewhat human again my life was torn to shreds by the words being uttered again.
"NO HEARTBEAT"
My worst fear had come to pass. My Hannah who was supposed to live, she was supposed to bring the laughter back to my lifeless body.

She died.

But how could that be??
Wasn't God supposed to protect me from my terror? Wasn't He supposed to hide me underneath the shadow of His wing?
The boogy man had come & attacked & was God sitting idly by allowing such havoc???

All these questions continue to raid my mind from time to time, the holidays make me ripe for the picking. I am so vulnerable to the wiles of satan but thank God I'm becoming more aware to the assault. I'm seeing that if satan can get me to question God more & more, then I will focus on myself & my circumstances instead of the truth of who God is, thus making me even more vulnerable. You see the enemy doesn't come to bug, bother, & irritate. He comes to STEAL, KILL, & DESTROY.
His main purpose is to crush me...and YOU....into oblivion. And as lowly as it is he will use the death of our children to do it. He will take the precious sweet innocent lives of these perfect babies & use them against us.
Against God.

It really is offensive isn't it??

I stand by the fact that there will always be questions in my mind for God & why He took Isaac & Hannah. And honestly, I'm still mad. Still hurt. Still disappointed.
And yes...I still get very afraid.
However, I will not cling to fear, I will cling to my God. When the fear washes over me...because it will, I will hold fast to His word. He will never leave me nor will He forsake me. He loves me & He will protect me. Even in the worse pit I found myself in & my darkest days when there was little if any hope, He was there. So I will continue to believe in the shelter of the Most High God, He is my hiding place & my fortress.

Isaiah 41:10 (New King James Version)

¹⁰ Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

This is a wonderful post about loss & learning to trust again through the fear.

http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/2010/11/learning-to-trust-again.html

Thanksgiving

2010-11-27T21:40:00.000-08:00

The past few days have been a blur. I called it my "Turkey Run"
Thursday we went by my mama, Friday my in-laws, today my dad's.
I'm tired. I'm glad though, to have kept busy. I know, I know...when there's things to think about & "feel" you really should just feel it & not stay busy. But I kinda feel like God was making this choice for me, He reminded me of all there is to be grateful for. In my last post I wrote about how painful it is to talk about gratefulness WITHOUT my children here with me. And I'm not gonna change that, I feel more pain than words can express that Isaac & Hannah are not here.
But, I am grateful for so much. I'm so thankful God allowed me to carry them, I wish I could have kept them in my tummy a whole lot longer but the fact that I did get to feel them & hear their little hearts beating is wonderful. I actually got to hold them, to look at little Isaac's feet & hold Hannah's hand. I can still close my eyes & smell them. Isn't that amazing?? I never ever thought I'd bury two children but I am grateful that I was able to honor them with a funeral. That I have a place to go & leave them flowers & just sit & sing to them. I'm never going to be able to fully accept that my children died. God knows that & He knows me & I can't say that I know His mind in all this but I think He's OK with me not accepting it. I don't mean I'll be forever bitter & angry, I'm not. But, I'll never be able to say "OK, I'm over this now"
What will happen, what is happening is that I'm becoming OK with who I am. I am a mother who has two children who died.
AND I AM THANKFUL FOR THEM.
They are my babies & I'm proud & honored to be their Mama.
Isaac is my only son & although his feet never touched the Earth, he changed the world! Hannah is my princess & she makes me a better mommy. I think of both of these blessings, YES! I did say blessings & I'm so thankful that God would choose ME to tell their story. That He chose me to carry them & minister to others through their deaths.
This may not be the Thanksgiving I pictured but I will show gratitude for His good gifts. Even if their not wrapped up in the pretty paper I expected. My God is good & my children are beautiful & I thank Him for them.

Psalm 100: 1-5

¹ Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. ² Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. ³ Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. ⁵ For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Not Good

2010-11-18T20:53:00.000-08:00

I can honestly say I'm not doing great right now. I'm feeling quite down. I have all sorts of swirling emotions & I refuse to just stay in this "place" & be depressed. But, I'm feeling altogether down & can't get a grasp on why. I guess it's the holiday season approaching. I'm just not into it. Thanksgiving is right around the corner & every evening after dinner we express gratitude. Yesterday, we played the "I spy" thankfulness game. The girls had lots of fun keeping us guessing trying to figure out what they were thankful for. Tonight, we picked someone at the table & said one thing we were grateful for. Those moment feel sweet but they kinda hurt. I feel like I'm being ungrateful for saying that but it's true. Isaac should be 2!! Two years old! He should be rambling some sweet little baby talk to us. He should be here & he's not. And it really sucks.
Christmas is so painful. I love Christmas morning & it's so crazy around here with wrapping paper & giggles. But it's the days leading up to it. It's the shopping. I always feel so guilty for not buying anything for Isaac & Hannah. I mean I get them a little something for their headstones but that is really twisted ya know??
I mean hear I am buying baby dolls & puzzles for my other kids & I am spending hours, no! days looking for the "perfect" something for my children in a cemetery. How messed up is that? I mean what do you say to the saleslady "ummm...I need something for my daughter, she died 2 years ago & I never got to know her so I'm not sure what she would like, what do you suggest???"
It's just not fair....
I've never bought an ornament for Isaac & Hannah. Nothing was right. Nothing was good enough.
I've not bought any ornaments since Christmas 2007. This year I think I'm just gonna buy a family ornament & include them. I think that'll make me feel better.
A little....
At least in that family "picture" all my babies will be there.

Flying Home

2010-11-10T09:47:00.000-08:00

I thought this was a beautiful image & wanted to share it.

Love you my babies.....

Who am I??

2010-11-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

Is this really me? This isn't what I signed up for, my dream for years was to have lots of children. But not this way, not with 2 in Heaven. Am I really "that lady" who's children died???
Am I the woman you see crying at the cemetery? Am I really the woman who smiles but always carries the ache of holding a lifeless body in my arms??
Why is this me?
This is not supposed to be me!!!
I'm supposed to be the one that doesn't understand " that smiles awkwardly not knowing what to say"
I'm not the one who receives the strange crooked smile with no words behind it & the look of pity. Oh, how I truly loathe that look!
Well, in case you haven't noticed I'm in a bad mood today. Honestly, I had no idea that 30 day challenge would be so....well, CHALLENGING!!
It made me think of feelings that hurt & feelings that are unfair & unwanted.
I do not want to know what it is like to bury my child. Wait I mean children!!
Recently someone told me I've been snippy lately & maybe your thinking I should be offended but let me clarify that this is someone who has been more than supportive in my loss OK?
And guess what? I am snippy, I'm really freakin angry when I stop & think about it. I mean most days are good but other days there's this searing red hot anger in there ready to burst forth & destroy.
So, yea~I'm snippy.
And I needed to hear that because I think I was ready to lose it on people I love.
I'm somewhat upset with God again, it comes back & forth in waves. Usually, I can deal with it quickly, I say "God, I'm mad at you....again, why did you take Isaac & Hannah? Please help me not to be mad at you Lord because the only way to survive is with YOU"
But, this time I didn't do that & now I don't feel so great.
Honestly, I'm really glad for who God is & the way HE talks to me, Tina.
Because He knows I'll avoid Him because once I really open up I'll start crying & hurting & I hate the build up of that. I know that afterwards I'll feel better but it's the dread of being weak. I'm not good at that.
Anyway, I was on FB & saw that my friend blogged & I read it. Her post moved my heart but what took me by surprise was the song that was playing, Selah~All My Praise.
I've heard this song countless times & I enjoy it each & every time but these words jumped out at me:

I will follow you through dark disaster

And sing hallelujah through the pain

Even in the shadow of death I will praise

Even in the valley I will say

Holy, my God

You are worthy of all my praise

I had to stop right there & pray, I wept before my God & cried to Him how much I love Him & how very sorry I am. I'm sorry because in my hurt anger & pride I intentionally pushed Him away. I still am angry but not at Him. I'm angry because my children died & that merits being angry. It's a good reason to be upset. I'm angry because dreams I had for them are not going to be fulfilled. I'm angry because my 3 girls had to survive the death of their siblings & I couldn't protect them from that.
But am I mad at God???
NO.
Will I feel mad at Him again? Probably.
But, I will not let it go too far again. Because He is holy, & He is worthy to be praised. I will praise Him with a broken heart, I will praise Him with a tear streaked face, I will praise Him because he is MY GOD.

30 Posts in 30 Days...Day 30....Finally

2010-10-31T06:23:00.000-07:00

Day 30 - a dream for the future

As I thought about today & this question the one "dream" that kept coming to mind was Babies...more babies.
That's my honest true dream. To have a house full of children, I already have 6 including Isaac & Hannah so why stop? It's already a big number so why don't we make it bigger?? I don't know what God's plans are but I know that when I think of "stopping" my heart aches.
When I think of the future I have this vision, I envision myself as this little old lady, sitting in my living room, my wrinkled frail hand in Dan's, & surrounding us our so so many children! I see my children, & their children, & their children. And oh how we all love one another & even more so we love God. We spend time in prayer & worship & my great grand babies cuddle up in my arms & even in my very old age I am still honored to breathe in that sweet baby scent.
I see my husband revered as the patriarch of the family, although he is aged the men consider his words of worth & value looking to him as a man of character.
Women come to me with their daughters seeking advice & wisdom from me as God has grown me in Him over the years. They rise up & call me blessed (Prov 31:28)

I thank God for the honor of blessing me with children, I have yet to know if He will see fit to bless me with more. I hope He does, it's my dream.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 29

2010-10-29T06:22:00.000-07:00

Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days

Wow, where would I like to be during the next year? That's a really big question. I know physically I plan to lose weight & already have a wonderful group of women supporting me when I begin this upcoming Monday. So by this time next year I'd like there to be "less of me" & for there to be consistent good eating habits. Also, I'd like to make a serious dent in recovering from the debt we're in & to be headed toward purchasing our own home. After Dan's surgery & his being laid off for 7 months we need to pay off some big bills & I want to get those taken care of over the next 365 days.
Hopes?
I'd like to start making more baskets for BLM's. I've made a few & really like blessing Mommie's with them but haven't had the funds, I really hope God provides for that ministry over the next year.
And Dreams????
I dream of living life fully~of dancing with my daughters, laughing with my husband & praising God with abandon.....

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 28

2010-10-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse

Miscellaneous receipts & coupons,
chap stick,
eye drops,
several tubes of lipstick,
lotion,
hydrocortisone cream,
sunglasses,
a straw,
3 pairs of socks,
my wallet,
......and a dog.

30 Posts in 30 Days.....Day 27

2010-10-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.

My worst habit by far is not sleeping.
When Isaac died in February of '08 I stopped sleeping. I always had that problem when I would get upset about something, I just couldn't sleep. I'd lie in bed tossing, turning, & thinking. But with Isaac it was different. I stopped eating & drank a pot of coffee everyday, mind you I didn't drink coffee before. I didn't eat until I was completely famished & weak and then I'd only eat enough to get by. I would stay up all night watching TV, I just didn't want to face tomorrow. I dreaded that moment of opening my eyes to the reality of my son's death. I wouldn't sleep until I was completely exhausted & even then I fought it.
Once Hannah died it was much worse, there were times I stayed awake til God brought the sun up. Now, I still have the same problem. I can't say I don't sleep because of the loss of my children it's just become a terrible habit that is hard to break because I associate sleep with the pain I endured at that time. So, it's definitely dysfunctional & myself, as well as my family is hurt by it. I don't function well on lack of sleep, does anybody??
Therefore, I'm not 100% for my children. And considering I have young ones they need so much of my time & it's hard to give.
I find that for me avoiding sleep is avoiding feelings somehow. If I'm too tired the next day then I have a lot of excuses for my behavior.
Somehow, it's very difficult for me to just rip off the band aid & go to bed. I've been doing this over 2 years now, I'm better~I don't stay up til 2 AM every night but I think I would if I could.
I wish I could say I have some awesome game plan for this dysfunction but I don't. I guess I really oughta start praying about it.

30 Posts in 30 Days.....Day 26

2010-10-26T06:20:00.000-07:00

Day 26 - your week, in great detail

Honestly, yesterday posting my day in great detail was really difficult. I really have a full plate & coming back & forth to the computer was not fun. I think it was OK that once but to post my week in great detail would take several weeks to put together. So, unfortunately I'm opting out of this one.

But hey, maybe I'll do it another time.

30 Posts in 30 Days......Day 25 lots of mentions of baby

2010-10-25T17:07:00.000-07:00

Day 25 - your day, in great detail

OK, I'm gonna try to work on this periodically throughout the next 10 hours or so cuz really, it's a lot of work to give my day "in great detail"

So, I woke up around 6:15 to Hopie's baby coos & talking. I really love when I wake up to those sweet sounds as opposed to having slept through that & now she's ticked & screaming for me. So this morning's alarm clock was a blessing. Honestly, I'm so groggy in the morning I really can't remember if I nursed her or not....I must have but it's a blur...OH!! Yea! Nursed in bed & fell asleep for about 10 minutes more & then she was grinning & talking with a full belly so we got up =)
I took her in the living room & put her in her Exersaucer to play while I got my morning started. I got a big glass of water & a Ghobani Greek Yogurt, so so sooooo yummy. But before having my morning snack I prayed. Ooh! I was having a hard time!! It's so hard the first few minutes to close my eyes & not fall back asleep, I mean I sit up & pray but maybe I should perch my toosh on the end of the sofa so I'm not too comfy =)
Anyway, God & I had a good talk, I really like Him. I know that sounds juvenile to some or maybe just too simple. But that's the truth, I really LIKE my God.
Then I texted Good Morning to my Angie Girl before she was off to school. I miss her ;(
OK, next I read His word, 1st & 2nd John & Psalm 1, not as much reading as I woulda liked but then Nomi woke up. Picture this~a petite girl with mussed up brown hair with a few wispy curls framing her face. She's all puffy eyed & smiles, with a yawn she says "Good Morning Mama"
I have happy smiles right now.
So she cuddles with me & chews on an apple as I finish up my Bible. Hope is bouncing & giggling~so far it's a good morning. Then the crabby Bear is up~Lana. I love my bear but she's not easy to please. She woke up complaining that we were too loud (?????) so I told her she needed to lay back down, she said she wanted to be with us so I said she could as long as she didn't complain.
At this point I was getting goofy tired again so I knew I was gonna fall asleep. I flipped on the TV & watched Dr. Creflo Dollar~he's pretty good, I've heard of him but never heard him preach. His sermon was encouraging & challenging & most definitely kept me awake!!
My Lana was feeling better & was smiley now.
So the girls got dressed & I warmed up some "pancapes" Angie cooked Saturday & gave Hope cereal, I always mash bananas in there & this time added a strawberry too. She was more then pleased :)
So now here we are, 3 hours later from where I began this post. Hope is having her morning nap, the girls are playing at the table & we're about to start school in just over 10 minutes.

......OK, for you it's been 1 or 2 seconds since the last sentence~for me it's been several hours & I'm pooped. School this morning DID NOT GO WELL. Hopie started fussing & screaming right away & I realized I didn't give her pain reliever for her teething gums. So I picked her up, gave her meds, & loved on her a bit. I laid her back down & she was very upset with me, so I'm trying to have a math lesson with Lana while going over Naomi's workbook with her & Hope is howling. I heard a loud thud & went running & praying into the bedroom thinking she fell out of the crib. Thank God she didn't, she must of been standing & fell backwards bonking her noggin on the headboard. After that ordeal I decided to throw in the towel & let her get up & we'd pick up our lessons after lunch. After she was happy on the & lose I realized I had to switch loads down in the basement =(
So I asked Lan to keep in eye on her as I ran like a maniac at top speed so my babies wouldn't be alone.
After I flew as fast as I could back upstairs I thoroughly enjoyed rollin around on the floor with my Rainbow Baby while the girls watched Micky Mouse Clubhouse. I gotta say, I love that show, it's pretty cute. Well, a little after 12 Hopie started rubbin her eyes & I gave her some lunch & laid her down. As I walked outta her room I looked across the hall to the bathroom & saw wet tissue stuck to the floor. Which only means one thing, Nomi peed on the floor & tried to clean it without telling me. But how could this be??
She was at that very moment laying on the floor watchin her show with the same clothes on.....
well, her pants were all wet!!!!!
I didn't have a good moment then, nowhere near a good moment. I was very very upset. I put her in the corner for not telling me. Peeing on the floor is an understandable mistake, trying to clean it up is actually very responsible but keeping the pee-pee clothes on. Mommy didn't handle that well.
So after I was more clear headed she & I cleaned up the bathroom floor with a bucket of vinegar & water. She kept telling me the floor was "duh-gusting'
Yea!! I know!!!!
The girls are waiting on some Mac n Cheese & so am I. I switched loads again just now & am planning on having some Astronomy & Literature lessons with the girls after we have our vittles. We'll see how that goes.

.....OK, it's now almost 8 pm. Hopie is in bed for the night aside from her 10 pm feeding with Mama, Nomi is eating some cookies for dessert, & Lana just finished up brushing her teeth.
However, I did stop with lunch so let me back up a bit. The girls & I had lunch with some homemade applesauce we made over the weekend =)
Lana wrote a story about "Dan & Jan" & read it to me with her own illustrations. Pretty cool. After a bit of time with me, the older girls played in their room with their princess tent while Hopie & I hung out. A little while after that I went to get the laundry from the basement after dropping a candle holder on my foot...nice. Things are startin to get kinda boring so I'll hit the highlights of the evening~Dan came home & we had a supper of Corned Beef & Cabbage, I just had the taste for it & it was yummy. I had to laugh because while it was cooking Nomi kept saying "something stinks" but she sure did wolf it down!!
During dinner Dan slipped over, looked me in the eye & said sweet things that took my breath away. Those words are mine to hold in my heart...I won't share =)
After wards Lana danced for me & Nomi joined her, it's really sweet~I'm seriously thinking of looking into dance lessons for Lan. She really loves it however, I have to find a place that teaches tasteful dancing. Oh well, that's a whole different subject.
So now, Lana is practicing her reading while Nomi "reads" the story she wrote to Daddy. The night will end as it always does.....
Daddy reads the bible to the girls & pray with them before putting them to bed, they give me "eyes & nose" before running off to be shushed so as not to wake up the baby. They will go to sleep "hopefully" & I do the dishes & get Dan's lunch ready while he relaxes in front of the TV.
I then vedge with him & we may even have a meaningful conversation.
So that's my day in great detail, at least today....who knows what tomorrow will be like.
Oh & on one last note as I finish this up I hear Nomi behind me saying over & over "I farted, I farted, I farted"
Ahhh....to have sweet little ladies ^-^

30 Posts in 30 Days.....Day 24

2010-10-24T13:06:00.000-07:00

Day 24 - where you live

I live in Chicago Ridge, Illinois. I just moved here but I grew up in Chicago. So that's what I'm gonna post about.
Where do I start?
How about Mario's Italian Lemonade, Weber's Bakery, Al's Beef or how bout Home Run Inn Pizza??
Yes, we have some awesome goodies in Chicago~Mario's Italian Lemonade is the best summer time treat ever. If you ever visit Chicago you NEED to take a drive to University Village & have a cup. After some lemonade how about walking across the street for Al's Beef. This place is amazing!! Hot dogs, beefs, sausage, & mmmMMmmMm fresh cut fries.
So good, so good.
OK, enough about food. What about the sights, people, schools?
Well, I home school so don't ask me about schools, the people of Chicago are generally as kind to you as you are to them. And as far as the rumors of insane driving...it's true, we're nuts.
And last but not least there is much to see in Chicago. Downtown Chicago itself has much to offer, museums, parks, Navy Pier...really too much to list.
Wow, I kinda feel like a travel agent.

Mostly what I'd like to narrow it down to is "WHERE I LIVE" everyday & all day. I live in the presence of God. I live with Him paying attention to my heart & often times I forget that He's the unseen guest at my table & in my home. He is important to me but life happens & I neglect what & who's most crucial in my life. My relationship with Him.
So "Where I Live" is with my Savior in my heart & home. I look forward to the day I will live with Him in His.

30 Posts in 30 Days.......Day 23

2010-10-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

Day 23 - a you tube video that makes you laugh.

Well this is easy because I just posted it yesterday on Facebook. I LOVE this video. I suppose technically it's a KIA commercial & not exclusively You Tube, but come on...it's hysterical =)
Especially for Dan & I cuz it's a throw back to our younger years, so much so that as I...eh hem "rapped" along my Angie looked a wee bit embarrassed for me. Oh well, I don't care, you're only young once right & I can relive my glory days from time to time even if it's vicariously through hip hop hamsters.
And with that I leave you with 3 words...DO DAH DIPPITY.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 22

2010-10-22T06:05:00.000-07:00

Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.

The website that has meant so much to me is NILMDTS.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is a wonderful service provided to bereaved parents.
This is their mission statement~
To introduce remembrance photography to parents suffering the loss of a baby with the free gift of professional portraiture. We believe these images serve as an important step in the family's healing process by honoring their child's legacy.

After Isaac & Hannah passed I was so torn up & alone, I felt no one understood what I was going through & didn't know who I could possibly talk to. I stumbled across NILMDTS & their Parent & Family Forum
There I found mothers grieving with me, they were interested in knowing my children. They cared about Isaac & Hannah!! They weren't afraid or awkward when I was angry. They were loving & nurturing when I was broken. I love these women, the friends I've made in this forum.
I wish I didn't need to know them nor they me. But I'm thankful to God that he blessed me with these precious people in my life.

Day 20 & Day 21

2010-10-20T11:46:00.000-07:00

Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.

I can't say I have many hobbies, I really don't. I keep telling myself I need to get one, to have something for "me"
I hope to start scrap booking because I LOVE pics of my babies so we'll see bout that.

Day 21 - a recipe

OK, this is sooooo my thing. I love cooking, baking, eating!!
I used to be so afraid to step in the kitchen, my MIL is an amazing cook, I mean she just doesn't mess up. I was so insecure because when Dan & I first met I really only knew how to make a few things & he was always talking about how knock down drag out GOOD his mama's cooking was. So eventually I tried what she does.....I looked at a recipe.
One day she said to me "I'm just lucky cuz I can read a recipe"
At first I thought she was bein sarcastic (insert insecure Daughter in Law *here*) but then I realized she was serious. She meant just take a crack at the recipe & see what happens. Lo & behold it worked! I can cook!!

SOoooOOOOooo.....here's a few of my faves

Monkey Bread~My kids love this on Sunday mornings

1 Pkg (3.5 oz) vanilla pudding mix
3/4 cup sugar
1 T Cinnamon
1/2 cup chopped pecans
1/2 melted butter
3 tubes (10 oz each) refrigerated buttermilk biscuits

Combine pudding, sugar, cinnamon, & pecans in Ziploc bag & mix together. Coat individual biscuits in melted butter then shake in pudding mixture. Place in bundt pan sprayed w/ cooking oil. Continue with all biscuits are in pan, Bake @ 350 for about 25 minutes. Allow to cool for 10 minutes then invert onto serving plate. Best served warm.

Slow Cooked Mac-n-Cheese (my family demands this at the holidays)

1 Pkg (16oz) elbow macaroni
1/2 cup stick butter, melted
2 eggs, beaten
1 can (12oz) evaporated milk
1 can (10 oz) Campbell's condensed Cheddar Cheese Soup
1 cup milk
$ cups shredded Cheddar cheese, divided
paprika

Cook macaroni according to pkg directions, drain. Place in a 5 quart slow cooker; add butter. In a bowl, combine the eggs, evaporated milk, soup, milk, & 3 cups cheese. Pour over macaroni, stir to combine. Cover & cook on low for 4 hours. Sprinkle w/ remaining cheese & some paprika. Cook 15 minutes longer or until cheese is melted.
*I always top w/ an extra stick of butter, sliced in pats*

Honestly, I could go on for a long long time posting recipe after recipe but it's late & now I'm hungry =)

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 19

2010-10-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

Day 19 - a talent of yours.

Hmmmmm....I'm not real sure on this one. I don't wanna sound boastful. People tell me I sing well so I suppose that qualifies. I'm also told I write well & that I am an encourager.
I don't often have the self confidence to go out there & say "look at me! I can do_____"

I know there are many things I like to do, I like to cook...wait~scratch that, I LOVE TO COOK. I love having people over & feeding them way too much food. Recently we had people over to celebrate Hopie's dedication & a friend of ours said "Tina you're very hospitable, you always have lots of food & it's nice to be here"
I was floored! I felt so good in that moment & I'm grinning now thinking about it =)
We've had many parties at our home & I like entertaining people. I hope one day to become "Mama"
Ya know? Mama, from the movie Soul Food. Every Sunday her children & their families would come over for fellowship & some good eatin. Now, they were nuts but hey...so's my family!
So, maybe that's my talent. Feeding all my friends & family way too much food & hopefully creating fun memories for all of them =)

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 18

2010-10-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.

My wedding...well honestly. It wasn't what I thought it would be. Now, I love Dan & am happy to have married him but I didn't get my dream wedding. Nor did I fully understand the magnitude of my commitment before GOD. I wasn't a believer then so I was marrying Dan with all the right reasons by the worlds standards.
I'm afraid this sounds wrong, like I didn't want to get married. I did & consider it the best decision I've ever made. Dan is the only man on this earth who "gets" me or who will actually put up with me!!
But, we were married in the courthouse & I wore a dress that he liked but honestly I didn't like. We didn't have our own rings either so we used my parents who are now divorced. My sister couldn't make it in time & that made me sad because she's important to me. Plus I was so nervous the judge actually told me to "breathe"
So, I would very much like to have a renewal of vows.
I would like to be able to take the time to tell Dan what he means to me by writing my own vows. I would like to be a testimony to others of God in our marriage during the ceremony. I have LOTS of ideas which I can't write here because some of them are surprises for Dan & he reads this =)
But ultimately for a future wedding I want to invite God to be involved considering He wasn't the first time & I want the opportunity to tell Dan how wonderful he is in front of all our family & friends.
Now, I need to mention some wonderful memories I have of our wedding. My Angie who is now 15 but was 7 at the time was my Maid of Honor (I'm happy smiling right now)
My mommy made my bouquet & it was absolutely beautiful. And last but not least, I mentioned I was very VERY nervous. Well, I can remember as clear as a bell~ Dan....he was just sweetly smiling at me & holding my hands in his, & I thought "wow, he really loves me"

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 17

2010-10-17T10:39:00.000-07:00

Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.

I have been blessed with a beautiful friend by the name of Toni who painted a wonderful piece of work I'd like to share with you. Saying I'm "moved" by this piece of art is an understatement. I've posted about Toni & her art before, you can read about it here.

Again...thank you Toni.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 16

2010-10-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).

It took me all of 2 seconds to think of the answer to this.

Biko Mono Ve (Pass Me Not , O Gentle Savior) It Is Well With My Soul by Selah

When I learned of Isaac's death I went immediately back to Hymns. I grew up listening to Hymns & they brought me such comfort in a time of great pain. It was almost like God Himself was singing to me. At some point Dan & I decided we wanted a song played at Isaac's funeral & we chose this one. I borrowed the CD from my mom & felt somewhat prepared. I wanted to be a witness to others like Horatio Spafford, who penned "It Is Well With My Soul" after losing his 4 daughters in a tragic accident.
However, the morning of Isaac's funeral my soul was far from well. I felt if that song was played it would be a lie. My soul was in anguish & was not at peace.
Instead, Dan & I chose "Be Still My Soul" by Selah.
It was more fitting for where we were emotionally that horrible day.
That's another one that makes me cry...of course.

Honestly, this is a very difficult post for me, I added the links to the songs & had to listen to them to make sure they were the right ones. I'm sitting at the computer right now & want to fall in a heap on the floor & just cry.

Oh my babies, how Mama misses you. I ache for you, my arms are lonely without you. One day, we will be together & what a wonderful day that will be.
Until then, I'm incomplete....you hold a piece of my heart.
Your feet never touched the earth but you changed my life forever.

Day 15 & My Angel's Candles

2010-10-16T08:46:00.000-07:00

Day 15 - what you like about your house.

What do I like??? Hmmmmm......
Well, we've only been here 3 weeks this upcoming Monday so I'm still discovering new things.
I suppose what I like the VERY MOST is we pay almost 500 bux less then the old place! Woo-hoo!
I also love that we have several awesome parks in walking distance, as well as an activity center & library.
And what do I absolutely positively love??
My sister who is my bestest bestie is 5 minutes away!! I mean I can run & get there in 60 seconds! Mind you if I do that my heart will probably explode as I fall over in a heap on her front step but none the less...I can do it if I want to =)
Well....maybe 120 seconds.

On another note, I didn't post yesterday because I was busy getting my home full of boxes somewhat organized for my "Wave Of Light" Remembrance Candle for Isaac & Hannah.
I needed to put some thought into what I wanted to express. This is my first time participating in the Wave of Light because I've always had a hard time with the candle thing. Growing up I would see candles with Saints on them & people would light them & pray about different circumstances. Deep inside me I didn't want God to think I was putting my babies before Him. So I had to work things out in my heart & do this right.
Glorifying Him & Him alone while remembering my children.

So, I set everything up.
Isaac's shadowbox & his bunny, & Hannah's photo & butterfly. I also had rose petals from their funerals. Their were a total of 6 candles, Isaac & Hannah shared the bigger one while their were 5 tea lights. One for my cousins daughter, my friends 3 Angels, & my big brother in Heaven.

Here is a photo of their candles.......

After we lit the candles I read from Job 1. I read to my girls of how everything Job owned was destroyed & then while still reeling from that disaster he was told all of his children were dead. He answered this terrible news with "Naked I come from my mother's womb, & naked I will depart. The LORD gave & the LORD has taken away, blessed be the name of the LORD. "
Job 1:21
I explained to them that the Lord is ALWAYS good & worthy of praise..even when circumstances tell us otherwise. We then sang "How Great is Our God" which is the song we sang at Isaac's funeral, that was very hard for me. I've sung that song many times since Isaac's death but last night for a moment I was back in that funeral home & it struck me like lightening.
After our time of praise Dan led us in prayer.
The ceremony was bittersweet & painful at times but overall it was healing for me & God was praised.

"You're the name above all names,

you are worthy of all praise

& my heart will sing~How Great Is MY God"

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 14

2010-10-14T08:46:00.001-07:00

Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

Well, I don't have one. Not that I can think of at least. I did mention in my post from Day 4 several books I like & highly recommend on pregnancy loss.

~~~~~~~

On another note, today is kind of a rough one for me. I'm really missing Isaac & Hannah and it's a "on the verge of tears" day. I feel like getting under the covers & hiding. But I can't. I really hate when these days come. I want the pain to stop but then again I know it never will & it's part of what makes me Tina.
Sometimes I feel like I think & talk about my little butterflies too much. That I should just "get over it"
I know other BLM moms who appear to be living life without going backwards. I'm certain they hurt but it's more private & at times I feel my public pain is inappropriate. But, I really believe that's a lie from satan. Right from the pit of hell.
I say that because others' have told me how encouraged & inspired they are by my story~so I'm going to keep telling it. And everyday, my story continues & today is a hurting day. I will not pretend I'm OK.
I will not be silent.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 13

2010-10-12T21:53:00.001-07:00

Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

OK, this may seem silly to some. But the book that means a lot to me is titled "Love You Forever" written by Robert Munsch. I received it one Christmas from my aunt. At first I thought it was an accident, that she'd meant to give it to her daughter who had just had a boy that spring. I just had my 3rd girl.
You see, the book is about a mama & her son. Throughout the book the boy goes from baby to adult & you share the Mommy's thoughts of all the hair raising things he does~playing with toilet paper & destroying the bathroom, tracking mud on the floor, playing music loudly with his friends. But every night, Mommy crawls in his room as he's sleeping, right up to his bed, picks him up, rocks him, & whispers sweetly in his ear how much she loves him.
I always thought the book was cute, but wished the author wrote one for girls as well. I read it to my daughters & they thought it was cute & funny too. But it mostly sat on the bookshelf. But, one day after Isaac went to Heaven~I found it. I cried as I read it~thinking of my son & all I missed. However, the book has grown in my heart. I absolutely love reading it now, it doesn't hurt as much, in fact it's one of those sweet things that brings healing to my soul.
To my Isaac my wonderful perfect son "I love you forever, I love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 12

2010-10-11T19:27:00.000-07:00

Day 12 - something you are OCD about.

This question, unfortunately is a very easy one. I'm bonkers a bout a ton of stuff!
But the major two are water & seat belts.
OK, first one~water, specifically pools.
My mom & MIL have pools. My kids naturally LOVE to go to Grandma's house swimming. However, I'm batty about it. I mean I just can't relax, I'm terrified my girls are going to drown. I have 3 small children so they can be a lot to keep tabs on during swim time. I remember the summer after Isaac died we were at my mom's house & the girls were swimming. Dan was in the pool with them but I couldn't see Naomi, I asked where she was & then spotted something floating in the water & thought it was her. I didn't hesitate, I began to scale the side of the pool trying to jump in & was screaming. Dan hollered that Naomi was "right here, she's fine" I broke down crying in my mom's arms saying "I couldn't lose another baby"
I've not reacted as forcefully as I did since then but the fear is always there. The scream is always waiting in my throat.
Pools terrify me.

The second thing I'm OCD about is seat belts~car seats. I'm always...ALWAYS asking if the girls are buckled. And I know we as parents ought to make certain that are children are safe & secure but I'm overly obsessive about it. I have pulled the van over just to make sure Hope's car seat is clicked in properly. Mind you this is not even 5 minutes after pulling out of the driveway. I'm always turning around & adjusting Naomi's strap, making sure it's correctly over her chest & not too low or too high. I'm looking over at Lan to see if she's "buckied" I even look down at Angie's hip to check if her buckle is locked & she's 15 & in no need of Mommy's help!

Death is devastating & because it can't be controlled I am left scarred~desperately trying at times to control what I can.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 11 possible triggers

2010-10-11T07:45:00.001-07:00

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

As promised...My Rainbow Baby~Hope Joanna.
This picture makes me feel so much joy, such happiness. I praise my Abba Father for giving me this good & perfect gift (James 1:17)
There was a time when Dan & I officially "gave up"
We believed the Lord had closed my womb & I was no longer going to have any more children. I remember saying "OK God, I'm throwing my hands up & accepting that it's not your will"
A few days later I found out I was carrying Hope.
This picture encourages me & reminds me of God & His goodness so much. My spirit is swirling with emotions right now.
There is so much going on in this photo. Looking behind me I can see the cemetery lawn. That is a large piece of my heart because it's where I go to visit & spend private time with Isaac & Hannah & God.
Then there is the look shared between Hope & I, it reveals so much of my happiness.
For me the photo is a mesh of the bittersweet hurt of the past & the love that will forever linger there, as well as the hope of the future (Jeremiah 29:11)
I recently went to the Greg Laurie Harvest Crusade here in Chicago. Dan & I attended on the "Night of Hope"
The night was specifically geared towards those who have lost & Steven Curtis Chapman was there to perform. He also shared how he & his family have survived the tragic loss of their beautiful young daughter, Maria.
He spoke about his song Beauty Will Rise & the lyrics, "Out of these ashes... beauty will rise and we will dance among the ruins"
He opened my eyes to "RUINS"
He shared how tragic circumstances leave "ruins"
Take 9/11 for example. Terrible ruins everywhere~devastation. However, we choose not to live there, we rebuild, we restore. Beauty rises out of the ashes~& even the "new buildings" are a reminder of what we've survived. They are a reminder of healing.
That's what Hope is for me, she is her own person with her own identity. However, she is God's tangible reminder to me that He does not disappoint, that He restores, that He has a plan & a future.

I must share this picture as well,

This is me singing to my Hopie Girl. I could write a book about how special this time with her is to me. We sing together often & this is one of our songs~I hope it conveys my heart towards God.....

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 10

2010-10-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

So here it is, my very old picture of myself. I'm the one in the red. This is waaaaay more than 10 years old. I was probably 6 or 7 in this pic. That means the year was about '80 or '81.
I really like this photo a lot. Mostly because I'm reminded of my Lana Bear.
Earlier today Angie (my oldest) grabbed a picture of me & said "come on Mommy, this is Lana's face" I told her "I just don't see the resemblance.
She thought I was bonkers. I thought about posting that pic because we have just recently moved & I have no clue where the photos are right now, but I managed to come across this one & thought "wow, this is Lan's face"
It makes me feel real good, because when I was a little girl I was teased often about my big smile. When I posed for a picture my whole face would smile & I suppose the adults in my life thought it was cute but their comments made me feel insecure. For many years I pasted on a fake smile & hoped people were satisfied. Just in the past 2 years or so I decided to go back to the biggest smile my face could produce. I want my kids to look at pics of me when I'm gone & see the "real mama" they remember.
But, I'm rambling, I see Lana in this picture because when she smiles her whole face lights up. She reminds me that being young is full of innocence & laughter, catching fireflies & counting stars.
The above picture reminds me that there were many smiles in my young life~even if among the hurts.
But I must add a pic of my Lana Bear~so you can see for yourself why her beautiful smile lights up my life.
Mama loves you my Gentle Little Flower =)

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 9

2010-10-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.

These are my animals. My Cow, Bear & Monkey....the wee-est animal isn't in this pic. I blog about them over here.
I love my girls. They are amazing. They are my heart & bring laughter to my soul. I thank God that He believes I'm capable to train these treasures for His Kingdom.
I wish this pic had my Hopie Girl but it's OK, I'll post a pic of my Rainbow Baby soon =)

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 8

2010-10-07T19:06:00.001-07:00

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.

This is Valentine's Day of 2008. Dan & I went to a dinner hosted by our church & had a wonderful time. We even won a bag full of goodies. You can't see in this picture but my tummy was pretty big, even for 5 months. I felt beautiful & was excited to be with my handsome man.
This picture makes me sad because it was the last one taken of Dan & I together before we found out on the 22nd that Isaac was gone. It also makes me angry. Quite angry in fact. I feel as I look at this picture that I am looking at a fool. I'm aware that there is no way I could've known my son was dying but it still bothers me very much to see the big smile on my face.
The big oblivious smile.
The fact that my son died & I was completely unaware really upsets me. It's very disturbing in my soul. A mothers job is to protect her child at all cost, & I did not do that. I joyfully conversed, laughed, & ate a good meal as my son's life was slipping away.
Now, I'm aware that I do not know the exact moment my Isaac died nor was there anything I could do.
However~it still makes me angry that I couldn't save him.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 7

2010-10-07T14:18:00.001-07:00

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.

This is my Dan, my best friend, my sweet handsome man. We were in South Haven, Michigan when I took this pic of him. It was October of 2007 & we were on a much needed get away. We had a wonderful & beautiful time. Little did we know that Isaac was being formed inside me. God was giving us this wonderful gift.
When I look at this picture I see the cold waves crashing behind my strong man. They didn't phase him, look at that grin! Now, I know they weren't 12 foot waves but they were loud & cold & somewhat intimidating.
My Dan is the picture of calm.
I love this picture of him & I love him.
To my husband....you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love the way your eyes twinkle when you laugh...I mean really laugh from way deep down in your belly. I love how your patient with me when I'm "shell fish like"
I love that when I'm afraid you don't mind that I act tough & then hold me when I finally cry.
Dan, I love you.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 6

2010-10-07T07:39:00.000-07:00

Day 6~20 Things That Calm You

1. Praying
2. Reading to my little ones.
3. Singing (Worship)
4. The scent of Dan's soap
5. Blogging/Writing
6. Driving
7. Sunsets
8. Praying over my Girls as they Sleep
9. When Dan rubs my head.
10. Lisa's Heaven
11. The scent of rain just before it begins to fall.
12. Ice Cream =)
13. Cuddling up with Angie Girl & hearing about her day.
14. The sound of breaking glass...I know, strange.
15. Making Butterfly Baskets
16. Hot Cocoa
17. Watching fire dance
18. Taking naps with my HotBox =)
19. Walking
20. Visiting South Haven Michigan...I saved this one for last because all the others I can do whenever I want. This one is a " once a year if I'm lucky all around entirely calming experience"

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 5

2010-10-06T18:46:00.000-07:00

Day 5 - your favorite quote.

I have a few relating to Isaac & Hannah so here they are~

"Learn not to smile in spite of our suffering-but because of it" ~ Joni Erickson Tada

The mention of my child's name ...
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring Music to my ears.
Please don't keep me From hearing the beautiful music.
It soothes my broken heart And fills my soul with love. ~Nancy Williams

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain ~Mercy Me

An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be, God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow, Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do, Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you, That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies~~~Author Unknown

Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity~~~Author Unknown

And finally, A person's a person, no matter how small~Horton

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 4

2010-10-06T17:58:00.000-07:00

Day 4~Your Favorite Book, has it changed since my Loss?

Wow, really? I can't say that I have one favorite book. I mean I'm a girl who was raised to read. I ALWAYS have a book in my hand. I love cook books & can never read enough of them, desert books, slow cooker books, soul food books...you name it, I've got it.
However, I do read a lot more about loss & grieving. The first book I read after losing Isaac was titled "Safe In The Arms of God" by John MacArthur. This was really a very comforting book because it helped me scripturally "back up" what I was believing about my Isaac being in Heaven with God. Not just saying "oh, he's in a better place"
After Hannah died a good BLM friend gave me 3 books, "In A Heartbeat" by Dawn Waltman, "Grieving The Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg, & "I'll Hold You In Heaven, Remembrance Book" by Debbie Heydrick.
These are very helpful books but if I had to pick one to recommend I would say I'll Hold You In Heaven helped me the most in dealing with the emotional roller coaster I found myself on.
Each chapter has a journal entry that asks questions of you that maybe are to difficult to ask yourself. There's also scripture, prayer, & song lyrics throughout the book.
However, I must stick to the question at hand & be sincere with you, I truly believe my favorite book before I became the mother of Angel Babies is the same as it is now.
The Book of Psalms.
This Book in God's Word completes my soul. So many times I ran to His word. I ran to the Psalms & hid there....

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth...Psalm 121 1-2
When I couldn't sleep He gave me rest...

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety...Psalm 4:8

He gave me Hope...

I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. I will praise you in the presence of your saints....Psalm 52:9

So with that I can confidently say that if I was stranded on a desert island & had only one book to bring it would be the book of Psalms.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 3

2010-10-05T21:35:00.000-07:00

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

Well, as strange as this is...the answer to that is Scrubs. Ya know the comedy about interns in a hospital??
Well, like I said in my previous post, Dan & I couldn't sleep...or better said~I couldn't sleep. Dan has & probably always been a night owl, I tried to avoid sleep as much as I could. Looking back now it was extremely dysfunctional. We would stay up hours on end watching episode after episode (DVD rentals) drinking coffee.
Now Dan thought nothing of this new behavior in me, in fact he liked it, he now had a night time buddy. But I was trying to avoid lying down in the stillness of my bed & thinking. Hurting.
So I would stay up til 2 or 3 in the morning watching Scrubs.
Well, I can't say it so much "helped" me but it did soften the blow by giving me a way to numb out til I was ready to "feel"
And like "One Night With The King" I CAN NOT nor do I have any desire to watch scrubs ever again. In fact when I hear the music it instantly depresses me.
So, I can say that if there were a television program associated with losing my Isaac, this would be it~~but it's not a good feeling that goes along with it.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 2

2010-10-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.

The day of Isaac's funeral my sister organized an invitation to family & friends to come by our home. I hadn't thought of that but she did & I'm more than grateful. I shudder at the thought of having come home to an empty house. After everyone left Dan & I couldn't sleep so we decided to watch a movie.
We decided on "One Night With The King"
The movie is kind of a blend between fiction & non fiction. It's the story of Esther, how she came to be Queen of Persia. It's also a love story & quite beautiful. The whole movie I was on another planet. A planet where my tummy was still growing with Isaac inside me & life was good. In other words I was using the movie to totally numb my feelings. However, the movie ended & I was stuck in reality. Something that hit me & devastated me was the realization that my son would never fall in love. That he wouldn't experience the sweaty palms & butterflies in the stomach. That I would never see him walk up the aisle or hold his children in my arms.
That night I cried deeply for the first time since I was told my son was gone. I cried so hard I scared Dan. I cried so hard that the neighbors heard.
My heart still hurts at the thought of all those losses. And you couldn't pay me to watch that movie ever again in my lifetime.
I love you my Isaac....

30 Posts in 30 Days....

2010-10-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

My good friend & fellow blogger posted about this idea she found, check out her blog. She's an amazing woman. Anyway, the concept is for 30 days I answer one question about myself. With October being Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month I thought I'd use my friends modified questions in relation to losing Isaac & Hannah. I know it's already October 4th & I could back track some but it's no biggie, we'll just travel a few days into November K?

Day 1~ A song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore & why.

I have quite a few, so many. Two that pop out are "All That I can Say" by David Crowder Band & "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.
After Hannah died I was just so crushed, I mean we survived burying Isaac, how in the world could God take another child from us. How could he expect me to be anything more than a shell of a human being?? I felt like He'd forgotten me & I was so completely weakened. I felt there was nothing left inside of me & every single breathe I took was a struggle to live. The song "All That I can Say" reminds me of that pain & it's very difficult to listen to now. It's one of my "crying songs"
It's one of the songs I listen to when I've been bottling up my hurt waaaay too long & need to "pour out"
These are the lyrics to that song.

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark Is creeping in
Creeping up To swallow me
I think I'll stop & rest here a while

This is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you set it down

And this is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that That was You washing my feet

The last part of the song always brings me back. I remember that my God was there when I held Isaac for the first & last time. When I kissed my Sweet Hannah's face & never saw her again. When I wept & groaned...He was there, & He was crying too.

The other song "I Can Only Imagine" reminds me of the truth. When I hear it I can close my tear filled eyes & think of my Isaac & Hannah & what it'll be like to hold them. To smell their sweet skin, kiss they're chubby cheeks, & hold they're little hands. Oh the day when Jesus will hold me close & wipe away the tears, when He'll heal my wounded heart & bring me in His glory.

His Ways

2010-09-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was going through my pictures. I have them set up on a slide show on my computer, I have over 4000!! I can just set up some music & watch the pics float by. Well, as I was keeping my hands busy in the house I noticed the pictures of our trip to South Haven Michigan had begun to come across the screen. Now, let me just pause here & say. South Haven is "Our Place" Dan & I absolutely love it there, it's so very beautiful & relaxing. It feels like a slice of Heaven, looking out my hotel window this is the view I get.....

It's breathtaking. Dan & I had been going through some trials at that time, things that appeared overwhelming & so big. I got up early one morning & went out on the deck that sits over the lake to read my bible.
In His word I read Isaiah 54:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. I became so excited, I thought "wow God, you're so amazing to give me this word to hold on to" You see, I couldn't understand our current circumstance but I did understand that God & His ways are too awesome for me to comprehend & I could rest my weary soul by trusting in Him.
Later that same day Dan & I walked on the beach, it was quite cold but so wonderful. I felt the pressure lifted & could enjoy time with my love. As we walked along the shore I looked down & spotted a monarch butterfly lying on the sand.

It was obvious it's life was ebbing away. I couldn't walk away, I couldn't leave it there. My heart hurt for this beautiful creature. I thought it'd be best to pick it up & set it gently in the brush to keep it safely tucked away til it passed. However, I was afraid of picking him up & harming his wings, he was so tiny...so fragile. So Dan picked our little friend up, he didn't even attempt to fly away. He just rested comfortably with Dan. We didn't want to set him down, we didn't want to leave him...but we did.
Little did we know 5 months later our lives would be shattered. That we would have to desperately cling to the truth that in fact Gods ways are higher than ours & that we needed to rest in the promise that He knew what was best. My Isaac, we didn't want to leave him, my boy....my son.
We didn't want to walk away that terrible afternoon. That day I wanted to keep him safely tucked away, I wanted his Daddy to hold him & keep him warm. But what we wanted was not part of Gods will for us. His ways crushed our hearts, & on this occasion I felt His ways were so very wrong. I look back now & have no doubt that God gave me that word from Isaiah to hold onto when my son died & every day since then. I also believe with everything that I am that God sent that beautiful Monarch Butterfly to me that day. That He allowed us to be part of the last moments of his life. That Dans warm hands would comfort the sweet creature as he died & that his peaceful beauty would bring comfort to me in the months to come. Some may say that God has too much to do & enough to keep Him busy without sending me little butterflies. But, I know better....God is my loving Abba Father & He knows what speaks to the heart he created in me. He knows that I needed to see that little guy that day & he also blessed me in that I was able to get a picture of Dan holding him. That may not seem like much but it's amazing to me. Let me tell you why, when Isaac was born I held him, I asked Dan if he wanted to hold him-he did but wasn't sure how long we had with him. He told me "sweetie, you hold him~I'll be happy just to see you hold Isaac" I think that is pretty much one of the most selfless things my husband has ever done, it was such an amazing sacrifice & I will forever be indebted to him. But his heart does hurt that he didn't hold his one & only son & although this little butterfly is not Isaac~this picture represents such beauty....

As I look on at Dan tenderly & gently protecting this little guy I get a glimpse into my husband as a father to our Isaac.

Hannah's Heavenly Birthday!

2010-09-16T18:52:00.000-07:00

My Hannah Girl is two years old today.
Honestly the day started out rough & I was more than crabby. The skies were gray, it was cold & windy. I was hopin for a big beautiful sunny day with birds chirping & the sounds of children playing. But that didn't happen. Dan came home from work & I was so snippy, I realized I was putting everyone else on edge.
Thankfully God showed me that the day was only gonna get worse if I didn't relax. God is so wonderful to offer that gentle nudge to remind me that it's OK to miss Hannah & be happy for her too.
Lana, Nomi, & I talked all about what a party in Heaven would be like. Let me tell you, children have the most wonderful imaginations!! They talked about Hannah sliding down rainbows & angels singin to her, Jesus giving her extra hugs & kisses for her birthday.
Today we celebrated my sweet Hannah Joy's life....it was a wonderful day.

Hannah Joy

2010-09-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

For a short time I held you in my womb,
Safe & warm in your little cocoon.
In the secret place God knit you fingers & toes
What did you look like? I wanted to know.
Curly brown hair, Dark big eyes
Sweet little hands to hold in mine.
With anticipation my belly grew,
Everyday waiting to meet wonderful you.
But then JESUS came & said,
"Come on, let's play...
& look at the wonderful things I have to show you along the way"
"See that rainbow, look at that bird, he sings a song they've never heard on Earth"
My Sweet Babe, you left much too soon.
I'd like to ask Jesus to let me hold you,
Safe & warm in your little cocoon...
But He's taken you to Heaven High
For Laughter & Joy
Spread your wings...and fly~

We love you our sweet butterfly,
Daddy, Mommy, Angie, Lana, Naomi, & Hope
Revelation 21:4

Dreading Tomorrow

2010-09-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

Today isn't Tuesday...it's actually Sunday. September 14th, 2008 to be exact.
I don't want it to be but it is & I can't help it. My heart has gone backwards, my emotions hit the rewind button & I hate it.
I remember this particular Sunday because I was in such dread of the following day, the day I was to be admitted to Lincoln Memorial Hospital. I was in such shock, I felt so numb, sick & exhausted.
We went to church that day, I tried to hold my head up, I tried to function but I felt like I was in some strange movie & all this couldn't really be happening. There was also all sorts of confusion as to whether Dan & I wanted anyone to talk to us about our baby. So no one really knew what they ought to do when they saw us, it was disturbing.
And lonely...
The rest of the day was slow moving. Do you know what I mean??
Every minute felt like an hour, it was such torture. To wonder what the next day was going to hold & to also have the knowledge that the next day my heart was going to be crushed further. I hated knowing I had to endure all this again. I hated that even the terrible experience to come wasn't a new one. It all felt so unfair, Isaac was only gone for a short time & here I was again. Living the same terrible nightmare.
That Sunday, & the following days...brought pain I can't fully describe in words, pain no mother should experience.
Today, my heart is wounded & full of pain again. And I'm not gonna fake it & smile & be strong or pretend I'm not hurting.
I'm going to miss my Daughter, My Hannah.
I'm going to weep & cry out to God for the comfort only He can give.
I will not mourn as those without hope.
But, I will mourn.

Homesick

2010-09-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now~~~~~Homesick by Mercy Me

Memories of 9/11

2010-09-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

9/11 was the most horrific event I'd ever witnessed. I remember when I heard, where I was, how I felt. It was truly terrifying. I had just walked my daughter to the bus stop & my mother called & told me to switch the TV on, she kept repeating "we're being attacked, we're being attacked"
I turned on the television in time to see the second plane crash into the tower. I ran & woke Dan saying the same words my mother had just told me "we're being attacked"
The entire day was surreal, a mixture of anger, fear, & sadness. I just couldn't believe what was happening, how could this happen? On American soil?
Why did this happen?
We all remember that, it was tragic. It is a shared wound of the American people.
Two years ago today, I sat at this computer. I felt so burdened & hurt for the families that had lost loved ones. I wanted to somehow be an encouragement & remind others to be an encouragement as well. I looked for some way to share my heart & decided to post a video on Facebook.
I can't tell you exactly why years after the attacks I felt so freshly wounded but I believe it was because I'd recently buried my son. The pain of losing him in the womb was so unbearable I couldn't imagine the anguish 9/11 parents felt.
I then got off the computer & went about my day, I moved on, I continued to live.

The next day I was told my daughter was dead.

My world as I knew it came crashing down around me. How could this be? Why was this happening? To me??
Again???
I remember as I lay there, I decided she wasn't dead. The Dr was simply wrong, the machine was broken. I sat up, looked at Dan & said "no, she's not dead, there's something wrong with that thing" pointing at the ultrasound screen. "That thing is old & it's wrong"
He gently tried to comfort me & tell me she was in fact gone. I replied "no, she's sick, there's something wrong with her heart, but she is NOT DEAD"
Again, this amazing man, held me & gently told me she was gone.
As he continued to softly repeat the truth to me I felt as though my heart was coming to a standstill itself, I felt I was dying. Honestly, part of me did die that day. There is a piece of my heart that is gone & it will not be whole until I see Hannah's face again.
I know that what I endured is not the same as those that lived through the attacks of 9/11.
However, I do feel a sense of understanding.
I now know the shock of hearing dreaded words that crush the heart. I know the bittersweet feelings of seeing my child's name etched on a stone marker. I know the pain of saying "goodbye"

My heart aches today, it aches for all the families that are remembering smiles they no longer see, laughter they no longer hear, & hands they no longer hold.
My heart aches for all the mothers I've come to know through my losses. My heart aches for all the smiles we never saw, the laughter we never heard, & the little hands we long to hold again.
What I will hold onto as I walk through this day & the days ahead is the promise of my Sovereign Holy God...

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Revelation 21:4 (KJV)

New Obstacles

2010-08-20T19:09:00.000-07:00

My daughter Hope is 6 months old now. I'm so thankful for her, I can't believe a half a year has gone by. Has it really been that long since I first saw her sweet face? I waited what felt like forever to meet her. I honestly had so many ideas of what my life would be like now. I really thought as I neared the end of my pregnancy that I would feel better because it meant we were closer to the finish line. But, it was more than difficult. The closer I got to actually meeting her the more fear I felt that the rug would get yanked out from under me.
But Praise God, that didn't happen. He blessed me with my sweet princess & I have the joy of getting to know this precious person.
There are new obstacles though. Things that take you by surprise. Like the first time I put her in the nursery at church I was truly stressed. I knew she was in good safe hands but the whole service I was counting the minutes til I could hold her again. Or how I check, recheck, & then check again to make sure she is secure in her car seat.
And then we have tonight.
Hope's first night sleeping in the nursery...away from me.

I would be lying to say that this isn't more than difficult. This is terrible for me. Honestly, I'm typing so I don't go in there & pick her up!!
The truth is my normal logical brain KNOWS she is more than safe. But my heart is screaming "go pick up your baby"
Now, I'm not a mom who normally runs in the room at the slightest peep. Actually, I've been known to be the opposite. I've been the friend on the other end of the line supporting a mama who has resolved to train her baby to sleep through the night. Because of that I knew Hopes still being in the room with me was dysfunctional. For me. Personally.
And please to set the record straight, I have nothing against Mama's who sleep with their babies for a loooonnng time. Whatever, works for your family works, it's just that I act like a lunatic without good sleep. So to have Hopie with me for this length of time clued me in that something was wrong in my heart.
I talked to a good friend who has walked this road & she spoke some good sense to me. Let me put it to you in a nutshell. Basically she said I had to learn to let go, I NEEDED to overcome this obstacle because there will be many more in the future. There are going to be so many "firsts" to be afraid of.

First time sleepovers.
First time swimming.
First time driving...

Do you know I've already started to dread the first time I give Hope peanut butter out of fear she could have a severe allergic reaction?? Wow, that's not good ya know.

I have to accept the truth, God took my Isaac & Hannah & unfortunately I will NEVER know this side of Heaven why they died. I had no control over the outcome of their lives. There days were numbered & although they were few, they did live.
And I loved them every moment.
Now my Hope is here, & she is very much alive, I'm smiling a big happy grin right now.
So I resolve not to live in perpetual fear of death. Instead I will choose to trust that God has blessed me with this sweet girl to teach me how to trust Him more everyday.

I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you...

2010-08-08T18:49:00.000-07:00

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life

And I will praise the one who's chosen me
to carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice

And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life

And I will praise the one who's chosen me
to carry you

Dangers of Yesterday

2010-08-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

I woke up to a brighter morning today. That's the good thing about God. I'm not asked to live in the past.
However, sometimes I choose to. Sometimes I'm very comfortable in the world of yesterday, I look at it through rose colored glasses. After all...that's where Isaac & Hannah were safe. In mama's tummy. Alive. That's when my daughters didn't know the sting of death, & that's when Dan & I spent nights full of laughter talking to our babies.
But the dangerous thing about that is there is little hope. You know how this is going to end. You've read the last few sentences of that chapter & slam the book shut. Throw it across the room in frustration screaming "why??"
Well, I thank God that He is continually writing my story. That although it felt like life stopped for a while & it kinda did...that He carried me through to the next chapter.

Which is full of Hope.
Hope for a future.
Hope for joy.
Hope for laughter.
Hope...

Why?

2010-08-04T23:30:00.001-07:00

I can not tell you why I'm here. Why I'm in so much pain right now. All I can say is that it is crushing me. God, why does this hafta happen? Why can't it just never hurt again? Is that selfish? Am I wicked??
It's been soooo long. Is that why it's hurting so terrible right now? My little man has been gone 2 years 5 months & 6 days. That's a long time, a really long time. So many smiles I've missed, so many kisses I've not given, so many dreams I wished. He's my one & only son. Oh how that rips at my soul, my son.
God, I need you here, right now, holding me because I'm having one of those moments where it's like a truck slammed into me...again.
I know these days are fewer & farther between but I'm always thrown down to the ground, mashed into little bits...when they do come.
Somehow God always prepares me though.
I've been tryin to memorize Psalm 31:1-5. Right now I have the first verse stuck in my head...

1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.

I am hurting so I am hiding in the refuge of the only one who can & will deliver me. I will cling to Him, I will cling to His truth.

Thankfulness...

2010-06-27T18:34:00.000-07:00

After losing my Isaac & Hannah, I found it very very difficult to be thankful, for much of anything. It would just drive me bonkers when people would say "well, just be thankful for the ones you've got"
OOooOOHHHhhh!!!
That got under my skin something fierce!
I know each & every time someone said that to me it was simply because they didn't understand, they didn't understand that it hurt to hear those words.
Why?
Because, I was thankful. Probably more thankful than I'd ever been that my other 3 girls were alive & healthy. Thankful that only 18 months earlier God allowed my sweet Nomi girl to be born this side of Heaven. That in His grace I have these children with me here.
But, it was still so very hard to be thankful because He had taken Isaac & Hannah. And I wanted them here with me. I wanted more time with them, I wanted to get to know them. And I was NOT THANKFUL that they were gone & that the other 3 were here.
Now, it's not that I DIDN'T want my healthy princesses.
It just felt like a comparison. Like I wasn't being allowed to grieve & had to hurry up & find something to be happy about.
Does that make any sense or am I rambling???

Well, I didn't "hurry up & get happy"....far from it.
In fact, I'm still struggling with being joyful in all circumstances. So, I'm going to do what God calls me to do which is "choose joy"
Now, that's a whole lot different than "being happy"
Being happy is a feeling. That feeling dictates your thoughts, reactions, & choices.
Kinda like..."oh, I'm happy, having a good day, things are pretty much goin my way & that makes me happy & I'm gonna act happy now"
But joy, that's a choice.
Specifically, the Joy of the Lord.
See, when your having a bad day, I mean absolutely nothing is going your way. The Earth is literally crumbling beneath your feet & everything inside you is screaming to lay down & die...that's when you CHOOSE JOY.

Because the Joy of the Lord is your Strength. When your not choosing His joy, your not choosing His strength. Your choosing, in fact, to be weakened.
Really, telling myself this one. Because it's kinda like helloooo?? Tina?? Are you hearing yourself? Ya need, I mean really NEED to be joyful. How do you plan on gettin joyful??
Hmmmmm? Hmmmm?? Stop talkin the talk if you ain't willin to walk the walk.
OK, enough hollering at myself.
Yea, me myself & I have many conversations & we often go off on a tangent.
Sorry.
Well, after going through these trials. I've found a few different ways to "choose joy"
One is I say out loud "I'm choosing joy"...which works because it's kinda like sayin to satan "In your face!" and since I can be feisty at times, I like that one.
Another is to get on my knees & look to the Lord to deposit in my spirit Joy that doesn't relate to my circumstances. Joy that can only come from Him. Because whatever is happening in my life wouldn't get a joyful response.

Another way I find Joy in Him, is to thank Him.

I can just close my eyes & thank Him.
Thank Him for Angie's sweet smile, the way her nose crunches up & she just laughs her heart out. The way she is growing into a young woman who loves God & is beginning to trust Him with her heart. Thank Him for the way Lana loves her sisters. And I mean loves, with a free abandon. She just doesn't care, when she's lovin on her Nomi, she is gonna love her like there's no tomorrow. And speaking of Nomi girl, I can't help but thank Him for this little girl who is so full of life. She is the silliest & cutest little creature you'd ever lay your eyes on. She just wants to make you laugh & she always does. She is a bringer of joy. And then there my Hope...oh God....thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for the toothless grins....
Thank you for the sleepless nights...
Thank you for the soft skin...
Thank you for the coos & goos....
Thank you for the restoration...
Thank you for life....

So, you see....thankfulness....it's a choice. Just like joy is a choice.
And my God, He is good in all circumstances.
And I choose to be joyful, to thank Him, to forever praise Him.

A Date With Crying

2010-06-15T17:30:00.000-07:00

I am so overwhelmed with hurt today. My heart feels crushed & my soul feels weakened. I have a lot of "stuff" goin on & I suppose that makes me extra sensitive. But over all I'm feelin I'm gonna need a serious cry fest soon.
Do you know what I mean?
This may sound gross but it's all I can think of to compare...vomit.
Yep.
Ya know how when something you've eaten doesn't agree with you & as much as you hate it you just know you're gonna hafta...well
...remove the contents of your stomach.
That's how I'm feeling.
Except, it's soul vomit, (my friend came up with that literary gem)
I have all these feelings swirling around inside me & I'm starting to feel, well...sick!!
Sick with hurt, sick with pain, sick with anguish!!
It's been over 2 years since Isaac went to Heaven & almost 2 since we said goodbye to sweet Hannah Girl.
And yet, here I am.
Hurting.
I know it gets better, I know it doesn't always feel so raw. Really, I do.
But today it's really really raw.
And what's bugging me is I can't pinpoint what set me off. Usually there is some event or I see a soon to be mama & her swelling belly & I'm thrown back in time. But today I can find nothing to tell me why I'm feeling so sad.
Now, I don't want you to think I'm some perfectly pulled together woman with my feelings in check all the time. Me with my neat little ducks, all lined up in there emotionally recovered rows. And now all of a sudden I'm hurting a bit.
That's just not true.

I think of Isaac & Hannah............EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And probably will for the rest of my life. At least I hope to.
But back to the crying.
I know deep down to the tips of my toes that it's coming. And just like in my little gross analogy...I can't stop it. It's going to come outta me & it can be totally out of control & a mess or I can make a date with it I suppose.
Is that weird? To make a date with crying? To "control" it?
Well, I suppose it's both weird & good.
Hey! It's weird good.
That pretty much encompasses my character =)
Again, back to crying.
I think it's good, for me to schedule my overboard, hysterical, moaning, anguish filled weeping.
Good, because when I let it out, it really is a torrential storm & nothing but God can calm it.
Weird to you?
Because well, maybe you've never been where I'm at today.
But, that's OK. Because I get the feeling you can relate.
So, anyway I'm gonna head to my Ipod. I'm gonna set up my "make me cry" playlist (yea, I actually made one for this very reason) I'm gonna get my bible out & read through the Psalms with my Jesus.
And I'm gonna cry.

All that I can Say...

2010-05-28T13:10:00.000-07:00

Lord I'm tired...so tired from walkin
& Lord, I'm so alone
The dark is creeping in....
Creepin up to swallow me
I think I'll stop & rest here a while.

These words, they're from a song. They really convey where my heart is. I have to stop.
I need rest.
This morning my stepmother called to let me know my cousin had just had her daughter. She was stillborn.
I've been busy the past few hours. I called my cousin, we talked a few minutes.
Then I called the funeral director who helped us with Isaac & Hannah. Then I got on the phone with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, professional photographers who offer a free service for occasions such as these. I spoke to a friend to help me figure out the best way to approach my cousin.
Well, now...there's nothing for me to do.
My cousin is doing everything I'd planned on advising her to do. It's just that when your in the middle of the mess you don't think of everything so I was desperate to get to her & help her. But surprisingly she HAS thought of quite a bit.
So now here I am....thinking...feeling. And ya know what? I don't want to....
But OK I will, cuz if I don't I'm gonna scream.
I'm gonna break something & just scream!
I'll tell you what, this is just plain ole hard. I mean it's just not fair. My cousin has no other children, this is her first & she doesn't get to keep her. She has to say goodbye. Not fair.
Recently a woman asked me how did I stay so faithful to God? How come I didn't get angry with Him?
Can I let you in on a secret? I did get angry then & honestly I'm kinda angry now.
Not knock down drag out angry like before but I feel I could get a little ugly right now.
And I'm frustrated too.
Frustration that I can do nothing to stop the hurt. The knowledge that my cousin has to walk through this as I did & that there is no way around it.
Frustration that this is the ministry God has called me to & it's so very heavy. So filled with hurt & sometimes I just don't think I have the strength to do it.
Sometimes, I just wanna crawl under my bed & ignore the tears. Ignore the pain.

But, I can't....God didn't design me that way.
Instead He designed me with a heart in tune with anothers pain. When He brought this ministry to me, He laid it so heavy on my heart that I can not ignore it. So I will be there for my cousin in every way she will allow me. I will hurt with her, I will cry with her, listen to her, or just be quiet...........with her.
And through it, I will remember.
I will remember Isaac's ears...Hannah's hands,
Isaac's little feet & Hannah's sweet baby smell.

So, I'm just gonna stop....I'm gonna stop & rest with Jesus a while.
I'm gonna let him refresh me...I'm tired.
I'm gonna let Him fill me up because I feel so very empty right now. I'm gonna let Him hold me because I'm certain the tears will be here soon.
And above all...I'm gonna trust Him because He's all that I need.

Healing Hands

2010-05-01T16:52:00.001-07:00

My beautiful & wonderful friend Toni Ruppert created this beautiful work of art. I really don't think my picture does the painting justice. The painting is titled "Healing Hands"
She created it the night I was laboring with Hope.
Toni had received a prayer request for our family & little Hope, word went out there were complications with her delivery.
As Toni prayed, she painted.
As Toni painted, God healed.

This painting & all it conveys, has brought great healing to my heart.
This is some of what Toni herself had to say about her work...

"Every component of "Healing Hands" -the color, the imagery was chosen to celebrate the lives of Tina's unborn children. The hands are raised up as we surrender these two precious souls back to God - their Creator. I chose hands uplifted because they symbolized surrender and healing. The hands are raised up as we surrender - when no words will do. As I waited to hear news of my friend, I had no words, only watercolor, acrylic, ink and pastel media to communicate to God with."

It was a blessing & honor when Toni shared with me that this piece had been chosen for the "Dreams of Healing" 2010 Art Exhibit at Swedish Covenant Hospital.
On Friday May 14Th, Dan & I, as well as Hope & my mother attended opening night for the exhibit.
I walked into find that a book of all the artwork was available for purchase. I found that Toni's beautiful piece was on page 79 (in case you were wondering=D)

As I looked at the photo, I was a bit overwhelmed. There I was...holding precious sweet Hope in my arms & in my hands I held a book honoring my babies in Heaven. Honestly, my soul was hurting some, then I read the caption under the photo of the painting & my heart soared....

Toni dedicated "Healing Hands" to Isaac, Hannah, & unborn babies around the world.

And now, here I am...speechless, no words will do...
Except, Thank you Toni....Thank you God...........

Beautiful Hope

2010-02-18T08:22:00.000-08:00

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE & a future... Jeremiah 29:11

I want to share our story of Hope. I want to take you on this journey with me so you can share with us the awesomeness of God & this blessing of Hope.
I also want to remember every moment, every second. I want to savor them all.

February 9th, the day God restored our joy, the day He gave us Hope.

I was admitted to Rush Hospital on Monday February 8th & was induced late that night.
Honestly, I wasn't feelin what I'd expected I would. I had all these images in my mind. I really felt this delivery & it's process would be very mellow. With lots of joyful smiles & happy tears throughout.
Well, that wasn't happening. I was so tense & snippy. And I can't blame it on the pain. I was just being a big crab.
Thankfully I'm married to an awesome man who didn't take it personal!!

So what was my problem? I mean here we were at the end of the finish line. I shoulda been elated.
But the truth is, I was terrified.
I kept remembering my Isaac & Hannah.
My heart was breaking all over again.
Finally, I broke down & shared my heart with Dan. I just cried & cried. I missed Isaac & Hannah so much & being in that bed & waiting for our new baby reminded me of the last time I held my lil ones.
Isaac's sweet tiny little feet, his perfect little ears.
Hannah's beautiful little pout & her precious baby smell.
It was just getting to be more than I felt I could handle. But of course my God doesn't ever leave me. He never just lets me sit there in pain & anguish. He always comes to my rescue.

He reminded me of the above scripture, of Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you Hope & a future....

Do you know when Isaac died that was the scripture God spoke to Dan & I?

That scripture helped us survive our sons death. We clung to it as a child clings to his mother.
It kept us alive.
There were many times that the pain was so overwhelming & God always ran swiftly to us & carried us.
I remember when Dan & I went to church one Sunday & decided to go to the alter to pray. We were both so completely broken...shattered. This was shortly after Hannah died.
We were weeping & our pastor came & prayed with us. The pain was so unbearable & we truly didn't know if God was going to allow more children into our family.
As we were praying the worship team was singing this song, Freedom Reigns.
The lyrics rang out & penetrated our hearts...

Where the spirit of the Lord is
There is freedom,
If you're tired and you are thirsty
There is freedom.

Jesus reigns in this place
Showers of mercy and grace
Falling on ev'ry face
There is freedom

That day, Dan & I released so much of our pain, we lifted our eyes to heaven & our redeemer. We found freedom.

Now, we have Hope in more ways then one. We have the restoration that God promises & we have our daughter.

So let me get back to her, after I calmed down, prayed, & was able to focus, things did go much smoother. Dan & I joked & laughed. We even played cards. Nothing like a few games of old maid & go fish to get the party started!!
However my sweet babe was doing what all my girls do...refusing to come out of that nice & comfy cocoon!!
So as usual the doc had to get things rolling along.

And after one & half hours it was time to meet our little girl.
And yup, I started gettin nervous.
I mean you would think after delivering so many babies this would be quite simple but the truth is I felt like a new mama all over again. The nurse told me "well you've done this before so I'm sure you know how to push"
It was then that I let her know that all my babies have needed absolutely no assistance from Mommy & that I had no clue how to push!

This is where the seasoned nurse promptly allowed her jaw to drop & her eyes to bug out of her head. So, uh-huh, now I get more nervous as I begin to think my baby is going to get stuck because I, her wonderful mama, have no clue how to get her outta there!!!

Well, thankfully according to nurses & docs I'm pretty good at this pushing thing & baby is moving along.
However, after only one push I'm told to stop so we can wait for the attending physician.
Yeah, right.
I mean here there is a person trying to make their way into the world & I'm told to press the pause button.
So I start thinkin is this where I'm sposed to breathe?? Cuz I skipped the class.
So I look to Dan like a dear caught in the headlights, I mean I'm thinking if we don't let this little girl come out she's gonna pop right out my belly button. Just like Nomi said!!

But then I see Dan, I mean really see him. Past the fear & the nervousness.

And he's crying.
He's smiling...

He says to me "listen baby, do you hear what song is playing?"
It was the same song that was playing that day at church, freedom....

Suddenly, everything slowed down. I could feel Him...Jesus, HE was there. He was in the room, holding my hand, & the freedom of His mercy & grace filled my lungs.

Everything from that point was perfect. Our daughter was born & she came easily without any complications. She cried out & it was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. They placed her on my chest & I couldn't kiss her enough. Dan & I wept tears of joy & praised God for her.
She even knew her Daddy. When they finally took her from me to clean her up some, she began to cry quite a bit. So her Daddy went over to her & started talking & singing just as he did when she was still in my tummy. She immediatly calmed down. It was the sweetest thing.
After a time the nurses took us to a private room where we stared at & just loved on this little girl. Dan stayed all day with us & we fussed over who got to hold her more.
We're still doing that =)

I really could go on & on about how wonderful & perfect she is. But I won't do that, just take a look at her picture & you'll see for yourself.

She is beautiful & amazing...our miracle.

At 11:56 am on February 9th, 2010 God gave us Hope...He gave us a future...

7 days

2010-02-01T21:43:00.000-08:00

Boy, is it late. Can't sleep. I'm only 7 days away from meeting my sweet girl.
I wish I could say I'm up late because I'm so excited, but the truth is I'm up late because my mind is racing. Today, I went in for what is called a bio-physical ultrasound. The tech checks on a few things to make sure baby is doing well, heartbeat, breathing, movement, fluid. All this gets done within a 30 minute time slot. If my lil one does well, then she passes her "test" & we go on our merry way. Well, proud momma moment here, my little girl always passes with flying colors in less than 5 minutes!
What can I say? I'm a homeschooling mama, I'm serious about mu kiddos doin well on there exams =)
But today, she almost failed. We came to what I felt was too close to that 30 minute mark. Although her heart was beating just fine, she wouldn't move, in fact it took 20 minutes to get her to wake up. The whole time I lay there acting as though I was just fine when inside I was screaming. I kept thinking "is she dying? Why isn't she moving? what's wrong?"
My friend was with me & I thank God for her rub on the arm & her gentle calmness. It's just good to have someone keeping you anchored when you feel your about to drown.
We realized the pain meds I'm taking caused my lil one to be "sedated"
Even though I have a legitimate reason as to why she was so still & she is bouncing away as I type, it's so difficult to get that image out of my mind.
Her laying there.
Still.
It threw me back in time to seeing my Isaac & Hannah sleeping on that ultrasound screen.
It's not a good place to go in my mind, especially now.
I feel the need to get down they're memory box & REMEMBER.
I'm not sure if that's what I need to be doing right now though.
Of course, what I do know is I need to be praying & let me tell you today has been full of some hysterical praying.
Ya know the kind of prayers where only God Himself can understand your groaning.
That's the only place I find peace, in His arms.

I'm scared, nervous, unsure, & maybe just a little bit crazy.
But, God is steadfast, certain, consistent, & my protector.
I'm going to meet my little girl in 7 days.
I'm going to believe God for that.
I'm going to be strong & take heart, because my HOPE is in the Lord.

Waiting

2010-01-10T11:26:00.000-08:00

31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Waiting....

One of the most difficult things for me to do. I remember when I first found out I was carrying this little one I thought to myself "how am I going to WAIT 9 months to meet her?"
Now here I am with 5 weeks left & I'm no better at this waiting game then I was 8 & 1/2 months ago.

Part of the problem was that I tried to carry the burden by myself for such a long time. You may think, how can you consider carrying a child a burden??
Well, let me explain that statement. Carrying this precious cargo is difficult but certainly not a burden. It's all the emotions, thoughts, & feelings I chose to carry alone that are burdensome. The fears & concerns are too much for my heart. And for such a long time I didn't allow anyone to see my heart. Not even God. I was too frightened of my own feelings to share them.
And I mean to truly share, not just the simple "oh, I'm a little tense" but the real knock your socks off, lay you out on the floor, I'm gonna wail my eyes out type of fear.

That's where I've been for so long & it's easy to hide there. But as I get closer to meeting this sweet little girl face to face God reminded me that I needed to deal with these feelings.
And ya know, I always say He is a gentleman, He's not pushy.
But He is persuasive.
He loves me & won't just leave me wallowing in my pain, He will gently nudge me to be honest. So, I finally spoke to people & said "guess what? I'm a basket case, I'm NOT OK, I am afraid. Please help me"
Ya know what happened? They helped.
People now know what is going on inside my heart & are praying & offering support down to the littlest things like washing a load of baby clothes.

Actually, not so little to me.

As I thought about this waiting I have to do, waiting 9 more months, 35 more days, 840 more hours.
I remembered what God's word says, to HOPE in Him, to wait on Him, & in doing that I will find strength beyond measure.
So I see that what I NEED to do is keep my eyes on Him, to wait patiently, no matter how hard. I need to allow Him to give me the renewal I need daily.

And in His perfect timing I will meet my little girl, until then I will wait.

Christmas in Heaven

2009-12-23T11:49:00.000-08:00

Today was a bit difficult for me. I went to the cemetery. See, I haven't been there for a while, truth is, it's been months. I dealt with a lot, I mean A LOT of guilt because I haven't gone. But honestly, I couldn't. I can't put it into words exactly but I suppose my heart just couldn't bear it. But today was the day, there was no getting around the "pull" on my heart strings & I knew if I ignored that urge I'd regret it.
So in this terrible Chicago winter weather, I put on my oh so snazzy snow boots, gloves, hat, & scarf. And waddled my way across the snow.
With every word in my vocabulary I can't convey how painful it was to walk up to where I normally sit on the green grass & sing & talk to my babies & find nothing but snow.
Cold, harsh, unwelcoming snow.
I had to get down & dig around to find they're little headstones, as I fought back icy tears & again...overwhelming guilt.
I kept thinking, "how could I have done this? How could I have waited so long?"
I left them little angels in wreaths that I made for them, gave them kisses, & trudged back to my warm van.
Then I proceeded to cry & hiccup for a good long time. I regretted coming alone & not bringing Dan with me.
Oh, how I regretted not having the man I love more than anything on this planet with me. I wanted his arms around me so bad & it hurt so much sitting there alone.
Through blurry tears I stared at the snow covered cemetery & realized I wasn't alone.
The one who loves me more than I can comprehend, He was there.
I realized He was holding me.
I started to calm down some & began to think of my Isaac. I looked again at the snow, only a few minutes ago it was so oppressive. But now all I could see was Isaac laughing & squealing away as he played in it.
I wondered " what does the snow taste like in Heaven?"
My Isaac knows.

As my thoughts started to shift so many questions popped in my head.
What's Christmas like in Heaven?
Are they're gifts?
Do they sing carols?
Are they're Christmas trees?
Do they have stockings hung by the chimney?
Are they're chimneys????

All these questions gave me a new sense of anticipation, what will it be like? When I'm there? With my beautiful babies....

Well, I'm not real certain about the decorations & chimneys.
But I am certain of one thing, the gift of Jesus.
I believe with all my heart & soul that My Isaac & Hannah are celebrating Jesus.
I believe choirs of Angels are praising Jesus.
Because He is worthy to be praised.
I see my sweet ones smiling & raising they're wee hands to Him in worship.
Celebrating they're Savior.

So, with a refreshed spirit, I thank God, the lover of my soul for giving me a small window into the world that is Heaven....

Oh! And thanks for making snow angels with my Lil Angels!

Merry Christmas Isaac & Hannah, my little butterflies, Mama loves you....

Still...

2009-12-18T18:46:00.000-08:00

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. REVELATION 21:4

Today I worked on a basket for a mommy like me. A mommy who has a broken heart & empty arms.
For some reason today was difficult. Most times when I work on a basket I feel Gods hands on mine, creating a gentle healing for one who is grieving.
But as I said, it was difficult. There were normal kinks to work through, this is missing or that didn't come out "just so".
However, I prayed & God helped me get it all done. I felt really good knowing this Mommy would receive the basket in Gods perfect timing.
So what was my problem?
How come I still felt burdened?
At first I thought "oh well, it must be the basket, it must be stirring up some hurt" But in my heart I knew that wasn't right, the baskets always bring healing to my own wounds.
So what was it?
All day, there was this nagging at my soul & I couldn't pinpoint it. I know Christmas & all the holidays have their difficult moments. I'm working on the nursery & know that has been painful.
But this, this was like a dull pounding ache in my heart.
Then I remembered...Hannah.
Had my sweet Hannah lived she would be turning one in just a few short weeks.
I would be planning her big party, looking for a fluffy dress, & ordering a cake. Angie would probably be making some cookies & the girls would be eager to attempt blowing up balloons.

But...I don't get to do that. I get none of that.
And today my heart gently & quietly spoke her name...Hannah.

Days like today aren't as frequent as they had been. Days when I feel the crushing blow of knowing my babies are gone. But when they come, the pain is like a hurricane.
Suddenly, I'm thrown back in time & it hurts all over again.
I sit & cry & cry & long for her in my arms, I ask God to let me feel her again, to let me see her, if only for a moment.
I weep inside my soul where I didn't know tears were allowed.

In my heart & mind the question comes again, "WHY?"
I start to feel the sadness wash over me & wonder will it ever stop? I begin to feel I'm at the beginning of this road & that it is going to consume me once again. I start to wonder if I will really survive the pain & how am I going to do this?

Then God does as He always does, He runs swiftly to me, picks me up, carries me.
Like a good father, He is gentle. Allowing me to cry & hurt as He kisses my fore head & reminds me that all will be OK.
He reminds me that there will be a day of no more tears & all my pain will be washed away. That one day I will hold my children & they will tell me all about the wonderful things Jesus has shown them.

When I asked Him how am I to get through today? How am I to get through the hurts when they come back demanding my attention?
He turned my eyes to my Hannah again. In a moment I was looking down at her little headstone, where it reads

"BE STILL, & KNOW I'M GOD"

Anger & Compassion

2009-12-07T12:01:00.000-08:00

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10

I have to be honest today, I'm not even somewhat joyful right now. No birds singing, no sun shining, no smiling faces. I'm angry....
I need to just go somewhere & scream, why is it that you can be living your day & all of a sudden...WHAM! The past just hits you so hard that for a moment you can't breathe???
I don't want to feel this way again, GOD!!! I don't want to feel this way!

But, here I am,
angry...questioning...wondering...

Let me back up so I make some kind of sense.
I'm 7 & 1/2 months pregnant now (smile) & so in love with this little girl, I can't wait to meet her. To hold her, smell her, kiss her, I want to study every inch of her & get to know everything about her, I want to LIVE with her.
So, with getting closer to the end of pregnancy comes the time to start getting prepared. Time to start thinking about clothes, diapers, bottles & getting the nursery ready.

Well, you see, I've done nothing...zip.

This is supposed to be an exciting time, but for me, it's ripping my heart out. I did get the nursery ready for Hannah & Isaac too. And both times, I had no one to place in that crib. Do you know how lonely a rocking chair is when you hold emptiness in your arms??

But, no matter how much the past screams at me, the future is swiftly becoming my present & my little girl will need a room when she comes home. So this past Saturday, Dan & I decided, this is it, we need to start on this room. The thing of it is, is has become a "catch all" for everything I didn't want to clean or put away. So for the past few days I've been going through papers, books, bags of clothes.
Every now & then I find something so sweet, like a little picture from Alana she drew that says "I love you Mommy, Love Alana"
That was real nice to find, or finding Dans cast from when he broke his leg when he was 7 months old. I can't believe he was ever so tiny!

But then there's the things I find that are better left lost.

Like a business card from the funeral director...
Paperwork from the hospital I delivered my sweet babies at...
Little tiny dresses that Hannah never had the chance to wear...

So here I am, angry.
Angry that I'm feeling this pain & loss again. Angry that my children had to die. Angry that I'm ANGRY!!!
I want to feel that peace again, the peace that makes no sense in the midst of the hurt & hot tears. The peace that doesn't have words, the peace that just...is
But I suppose God allows me to get angry from time to time right? I mean it's not as if He expects me to always be happy & for nothing to ever bother me. He's not that way, He's not a "jolly ole St. Nick God" who never feels pain & yes even anger. I think about when His son died. He was a father who was broken, pained, & angry.
So I believe He understands, I believe He's patient & can handle all my questions & wondering. I don't just 'believe' it, I know it, deep in the recesses of my heart. He has compassion for me because He is familiar with my suffering. I also believe that I need to talk to Him & be honest about my feelings or I could very well lose my mind to bitterness & lose my heart to callousness.

So this is me being honest...
today, I'm not OK..today I'm angry. But I will bring that anger to God, seeking His compassion, knowing that He loves me & will hold me & carry me through the pain.

Imagine

2009-11-04T14:34:00.000-08:00

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4

I've been thinking a lot...
about Heaven.

What it's really like?

As I've grown older & gone though the different seasons of life my perspective changed.
As a child I couldn't begin to grasp the magnitude of Heaven.
I would think of golden streets & everything was sparkly & pretty. I knew I liked the idea of playing with tigers & asking David if he was really scared of Goliath. But beyond that I couldn't get my young mind to really think on it. I kinda wondered what the big deal was ya know?
My father would sit me down & smile in wonderment at the prospect of Heaven, asking me what will I do when I get there? I was just kinda like...um...play?

But, as I've gotten older, as I said, my perspective has changed.
To be honest, before last year, I didn't think about Heaven too much. I was too wrapped up in surviving life to think about death. That is until death came knocking at my door.

I began to think of Heaven in a whole new way. When I think of golden streets I also think of little bare feet. Running, I can hear the slapping of Isaac's feet as he runs & plays. I think of little chunky legs pumping back & forth as he chases after Hannah. I think of her squeals of delight as she tries to outrun her big brother.
I can't help but think of all the sweet wee ones that left us too soon, & they're pure joy.
Can you see them? Splashing in the water, riding on whales, as Angels sing their majestic song of worship.
Can you see Jesus laughing in sheer delight as He tosses lil ones in the air? Just as a father would...
Can you smell them, hear them, see them?
I can....

But, what I think of most when I think of Heaven, is Jesus.
The lover of my soul, my friend, my safe place, my Savior.
I think of walking beside Him, holding His wounded hand, feeling that peace that surpasses my understanding.
I think of Him wiping away my tears & healing me.
I think of being in His Holy presence & my heart skips...what will it really be like?
I've had so many ideas throughout the years of what Heaven truly is.
From a child's mind, to a mothers broken heart, & finally to the Daughter of the One True King.
I believe I finally get it, Heaven is beyond all I can imagine, it's beyond all I can fathom or comprehend.
But of one thing I am certain...
Heaven is Jesus.

My Hiding Place

2009-09-17T12:31:00.000-07:00

Have mercy on me, Oh God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. Psalm 57:1

I've been hiding. Hiding in my pain, hiding in my doubt, hiding from God. Sometimes the pain gets so overwhelming that I run like a child afraid of thunder. Slamming & locking the door behind me not allowing anyone to see my tears. Afraid. I've been feeling the anguish that penetrates deep into the recesses of your soul. You see yesterday was Hannah's heavenly birthday. And although I never once lost my composure my heart screamed out, my soul wept, my spirit mourned. I went about my day as if nothing were different. I had children that had places to go & dinner that needed to be cooked, it felt good to stay busy...to hide.
However, I found that you can keep your hands moving, & your feet rushing but your mind, it roams where it wants. It remembers & demands to be acknowledged.
So here I am today, broken.
Thinking of my Hannah, wishing I could smell the back of her neck, longing to feel my lips against her cheek, sweet Hannah.
In this abyss I find myself in I ask God "why??? Why my Hannah? Why me???" I ask & ask so many questions as my heart screams. I cry in wonder that He could take my child, that He allowed me to hurt in a way no mother should experience.
I feel anger & hurt like I haven't felt in a very long time & am shocked that these feelings are even there. Will it ever stop? God?
The feelings & thoughts are crushing & closing in on me & the pain is so fresh again. I want to run, I want to hide. But wherever I go, wherever I turn, the pain is waiting. Waiting to wash over me & pull me under, it wants to consume me.
Finally I see there is nowhere to hide. There is no refuge for my weary heart.
But is that true? Is there really nowhere I can hide? Nowhere I can find rest?
Oh but there is, I've forgotten. Oh God forgive me...have mercy on me, let me hide in you Lord. I am broken before you, fragments of my heart are too many to count. My soul cries out for your healing. Let me run into your waiting arms & weep, give me rest. Refresh me Oh God, restore my joy & make me new.
I will trust in your unfailing love, I will believe in your goodness & majesty. I will trust in you, for you Oh God are my hiding place...

God's Mercy

2009-08-25T17:12:00.000-07:00

I lift my eyes up to the hills-where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,The maker of Heaven & Earth
Psalm 121:1-2

Let me try to convey my heart today...
At 1 pm I started having light spotting, I looked at what I believed was the beginning of the end of my sweet lil ones time with me. I cried & called the Dr who told me to come in right away. With my history they were very understanding & gentle with me. I called Dan & hated to tell the man I love the same words I said 18 months ago when Isaac was leaving us.
The drive to the hospital was silent & surreal. Neither Dan or myself could speak, we were frozen in fear with tear streaked faces. With terrible familiar feelings. Driving into downtown Chicago wondering why? Pained as I walked through the hospital & saw people laughing & carrying on with their day. Feeling the need to run away.
The moment came where I was told to lay down for the ultrasound, my heart & soul screamed.
Not again, I can't do this again! I can't look at that screen & see that still baby, that still heart. Please God, Please God. All I could say over & over was PLEASE GOD...
He answered...He came quickly to my rescue.
My sweet lil one is alive...
The Dr doesn't know why I spotted or why it stopped. But I do, God laid His hands on me, God laid His hands on this baby. He heard the prayers of His many saints who came on our behalf before His throne. He heard our cries for this life & poured His mercy on us.
For a long time I couldn't even speak, I was just silent in His presence. Once again in awe of His love for me, in awe of my love for Him.
I still feel silent before Him, as though words aren't big enough to express my heart. I have a joy & peace inside me I've never felt before. God allowed us to witness our sweet & precious child jumping around. I'd like to think he or she was praising God at that moment. Joyful before his maker.
This has been a winding path that sometimes leaves me with skinned knees & a fearful heart. But God lights my path just enough to follow Him. The key is to lift my eyes to Him, when terror strikes my heart, to remember where my help comes from.
The Maker of Heaven & Earth...and babies too.

Hope

2009-08-14T09:12:00.000-07:00

For I know the plans I have for you decalres the Lord, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE & a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I have wonderful hope, because the Lord has blessed us yet again with another child.Praise God!! I hope in the Lord that this child will come to term & live a fruitful life for His Kingdom.
There are moments of fear & doubt, moments when I feel the waves of the unknown crashing down around me. Moments when I feel that all is too good to be true. But in those moments I have to remind myself of His word. That He has plans for me, hope, & a future.
You see, as much as I hate to admit it, if God chooses to take this baby to live eternally with Him, if I have to wait to meet this one til I go home to heaven, well, that's His plan. And although I may not understand it, that plan has hope. Now, don't think I'm just throwing my hands up & saying "oh well, whatever God does is OK with me"
If you know me at all then you know I'm the kicking & screaming type=)
But I know He'll sustain me wherever He leads me.
I choose to believe & hope.
To hope that God lets us hold this little one...
To hope my mother kisses her grandbaby...
To hope our daughters will see the mercy & goodness of God...
To hope that I will see the joy on Dan's face when he looks for the first time at his child...
To hope & never stop hoping....

All Days Ordained

2009-07-31T09:20:00.000-07:00

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully & wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the Earth Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. PSALM 139:13-16

I chose this scripture today because I can't stop thinking of the wonder & beauty of life. These are more than words to me, they are truth. They breathe life into my sometimes weary soul. They remind me that when I was living my life day by day, God, the creator of all things was patiently knitting my Isaac & Hannah together. With gentle loving hands, He was the master artist. Drawing Hannah's beautiful pout, & Isaac's sweet ears that were just perfect. He saw them before I knew they were within my womb. He saw them & loved beyond all I can measure. Their days although short, were ordained.
Now let me camp here a moment, in that word; Ordain.
The word ordain means to be set apart. Now, when I stop & think of what that means for my children, they are ordained. Set apart by God for His purpose, they have been chosen, called by Him to do amazing things for His Kingdom! I suppose I could sit back & wonder "what could their little lives have done? For God? Almighty God?" But I'm not doing that, instead I'm standing, humbled, in awe of His majesty.
He chose MY babies, simple me? My babies? What a legacy they can have with Him as their author! And what grabs my attention & my heart is this scripture does not only apply to them, it applies to me! And you!
You see, I have been set apart, I have a greater purpose than living for today. I have a role in His Kingdom. I know that the path He has had me on, through the loss of my children is refining me for that purpose.
I can't pretend to know or even have a clue where HE is leading me. But I can rest in Blessed Assurance that He created me,
that He patiently knit me together,
that I am not, nor have I ever been hidden from Him,
that He has set me apart,
that He loves me....
that He loves you...
that He loves...Isaac & Hannah

A Scent of Heaven

2009-06-18T12:18:00.000-07:00

As Jesus got out of the boat, a madman from the cemetery came up to him. He lived there among the tombs and graves. No one could restrain him—he couldn't be chained, couldn't be tied down. He had been tied up many times with chains and ropes, but he broke the chains, snapped the ropes. No one was strong enough to tame him. Night and day he roamed through the graves and the hills, screaming out and slashing himself with sharp stones. MARK 5:2-5

Ah...my heart is melancholy today. I'm remembering, ya know those days when everything is just sailing along & all of a sudden there's a familiar scent or sound? When the moment you're in becomes silent & the past demands your attention? My memory is violating my heart, my mind is competing with my soul for attention. However, can't the two live in harmony? Can't... in some way...they come together & bring joy?
Let me share my memory...September 16th, I'm lying on a hospital bed holding my sweet & ever so tiny Hannah Joy. I'm studying every detail of her sweet face, she has the reddest little pouty lips & one little hair atop her head. I wrap her sweet fingers around mine & memorize the intricacies of her hands. But this is what I remember most...her sweet baby smell. I can close my eyes now & smell my sweet baby girl, I can take in the scent of this little one I said goodbye to 9 months ago! But you see, it's because the heart knows no boundaries, it doesn't know time, it only knows. It knows that a piece of it is missing, it knows a part of it was taken & it is not complete. It yearns & cries for the missing piece.
As it calls out for Hannah my soul cries out for healing. Surely, Hannah's memory can bring healing can't it? Hannah was not created to bring hurt into my heart~so Lord...how do I make these two live in harmony? The agonizing pain of empty arms & the blessing I was given to hold her... even if only just once?
I suppose the reality is, satan wants to steal the joy of meeting my Hannah Girl. He wants the pain to overshadow the blessing. You see if he can just keep me in this grief, living in this pain. Then he has the power over my heart. He keeps me tied down in shackles & has the audacity to use my child to do it!
This is where the scripture from Mark 5 comes in, you see this madman, he lived in the cemetery. Among the tombs & the graves. He lived in death, he was most comfortable in a place of sorrow, a home where he could scream out his agonizing pain. Yes, this man was demon possessed & no I am not.
However, on days like today, when my heart is screaming for Hannah & Isaac too, it can become increasingly comfortable to live in their deaths. To hold onto the memory of what could've should've been. To lay in a bed of bitterness & slash myself with sharp questions.
"Why didn't I hold her longer?"
"What was the last sound she heard, was I yelling?"
"Is there anything...anything...I could have done differently to save her?"

But here...there is scripture too, very simple, very basic words. But oh so powerful, so mighty.

Be still...and know I'm God....

Can't you just feel it? The burden being lifted, the questions being removed...the peace coming down.
See, whenever I hear those words from God, it makes me slow down & breathe. I think of when my Lana who is 6 is goin a mile a minute. Just up in arms & freaking out because she can't find that ever so important & IRREPLACEABLE book for story time. She is frustrated, tense, & in tears. All along I remember she has loaned the book to her baby sister.
When I can get her to slow down, to breathe to listen, I can say "chill out baby, it's OK, mama's here, I can take care of this OK"
How many times have I been frustrated, tense, & up in arms? How many times has God tried to get my attention only for me to respond with agitation. It's at those time I need to be still & know...
So, today, when my heart is aching for my little ones...when the scent of my sweet Hannah penetrates my soul...when I am tempted to live in death...
He speaks my name....he reminds me...
Be Still & Know...I'm God

The Story of Isaac & Hannah Joy

2009-06-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

Ya know that feeling? The one you get when you know things aren't gonna turn out like you planned. The knot in your stomach, the lump in your throat, sweaty palms...that feeling? I remember the day I got that feeling. It was February 21st '08, a Thursday. I was 18 weeks pregnant & Dan was gettin ready to leave, I was tense & I don't remember why. But I remember how you could here a pin drop when I told him not to go because I was spotting. His face took on a mixture of shock & fear...
We all got together that night, Dan & I with our 3 daughters, we prayed. I can't tell you the grief that already washed over me at the mere thought of losing this baby, I begged, pleaded, & bargained with God for this baby's life. The next day God answered...in the ultrasound room, as I lay on the table, God gently said "No"
The sun continued to shine & birds still sang their song, but my soul screamed out for life! How could this happen?? How could the world continue as though death hadn't come calling?? How was it that children were running, playing, laughing? That dogs were barking & school was in session?? Why didn't the world STOP & grieve with me? I felt as though a piece of my heart died...there...on that table.
The next several days were a blur, a mixture of shock, unbelief, & overwhelming pain. Several days after the news that changed my life I went into Lincoln Park Hospital to be induced. As we entered, I refused to look at the building, & I now know that Dan was gently pulling me along. Just getting a room was torture, having to explain to several different nurses & aides why we were there....their hushed & hurried explanations to one another.
"No heartbeat" "stillborn" "miscarriage"
Words that echo in your heart forever.
I checked into a room & waited, I was induced & was told the process would be very long~up to several days. So Dan & I started thinking about names, it was a bit surreal, we knew that everything about this was upside down backwards & wrong. Delivering a child, & naming this child, only to say goodbye. There were many surreal moments in that delivery room, moments that are too big to describe in words not big enough for God.
There was the moment I think I lost my mind a bit, I started crying & telling Dan this was so unfair, this was so wrong, why did "THEY" get to keep my baby? Why did "THEY" have a say so? This is my child & I'm taking this baby home!!! I announced to Dan that we would keep the baby at home until the funeral. Dan was scared, he told me the baby couldn't come home because the baby was dead. I started saying no no no...you can't say that, don't say that. Dan started prayin, asking God to please come quickly, please do something, Please!!
The nurse came in & I told her how I felt, I told her I don't think I can let this baby go when it's time, I'm scared I'll go crazy. She looked at me & said "it's OK, your baby's not here, this..what's gonna happen here (gesturing to my stomach) this is a shell, your baby is in Heaven being loved on by God, you'll be OK"
I know some may say "what??? a shell?? cruel!!!" But God knew exactly what my ears needed to hear, He knew what would penetrate MY heart, He knew I needed the truth spoke to me at that moment. The truth of my child's existence would set me free.
I delivered Isaac Jeremiah Jensen, Tuesday, February 26th 2008 at 3:48 a.m.
He was perfect. He was beautiful. He is my son.
We buried my Isaac 2 days later in a beautiful small service for him. My oldest daughter read a letter she wrote to her brother, we had one of my pastors give a message of hope, redemption, & reunion. However, the most important moment for me that day was worshipping God. We were led in singing a song of praise to Him, I felt so weak, I was shaking & sick. I could barely stand but I wanted to tell God I still loved Him. That I still praise Him. He gave me the strength to stand, the strength to raise my hands, the strength to praise Him & be a testimony. His presence filled the air.
I wish I could stop there, I wish my story was over & I lived happily ever after. That I went through the storm & have survived a stronger person. But this was only the beginning of the storm, this was only the rumblings of the thunder, the flashes of lightning. However, the dark clouds were still rolling in, it had only begun.
Hannah, oh my Hannah. How I miss you.
I was shocked & amazed to find myself pregnant again within 2 months of saying goodbye to Isaac. I felt that God was really bringing healing & blessing & that this was His way of telling me I was ready. I tried desperately not to give into fear, but suffered from persistent nightmares. But I tried to stay positive, I wasn't going to allow satan to steal the joy of this pregnancy. We made it past the first 12 weeks without a problem, everything was going smooth. I went in for a check up at 18 weeks & heard my baby's very strong wonderful heartbeat! My Dr said it sounded like the heartbeat of a little girl!! I wept tears of relief & joy...this was happening, this was really happening! My baby was well & I had nothing to fear, God was giving me this healthy child.
But once that euphoria wore off the fear slithered in, & I began to get scared again. Nightmares returned & finally I told Dan, somethings not right, I don't feel right. I called the Dr. concerned the baby wasn't moving enough for 23 weeks. Knowing my history my doc said to come in, if not for anything else than just my peace of mind. I went in that day, so nervous, Dan was at work & I didn't want to be alone. The Dr was running late & I was getting more anxious by the moment. Finally Dan called & said he was done with work early, I asked him to please come to the office because I needed him with me. Dan arrived & 5 minutes later the Dr called me in, I had been waiting almost 2 hours. He took me straight to the ultrasound room, & as I lay again on that table, I knew my baby was gone. Nothing had happened, Dan & the Dr were joking back & forth, but everything slowed down & I felt God there, I felt Him holding me, I felt Him crying.
She was gone.
My Hannah Girl....
I'd like to say I was OK this time, that I did really well with this loss because we walked this path before. But I'd be lying. I wasn't OK, I was far from it. There have been many many knock down drag out fights with God. Mostly me knocking myself out. There have been countless times I've cried "why why why"
So many tears, too many to count. So many questions, "how could you do this God? What did I do wrong?? don't you love me"
I couldn't remember who God says I am in Him, I couldn't think clearly, sometimes I couldn't even form my thoughts into words. I suppose I was traumatized.
It was very very dark & very very scary. I felt as though I was stumbling around in the dark & falling, bruised, scraped, & bleeding. All along screaming, crying out, "help me!!! why don't you help me?!?!!!!"
I felt like I was dying, in every sense of the word. Somewhere in the fog, I remember my mom telling me I had to go in " survival mode" maybe she saw that I wasn't doin well. She told me everyone else is living & that's OK, but you have to understand that right now you're not just living, you're trying to survive. Shortly after that a good friend sent me a word from God. This word somehow, someway woke me up.
Isaiah 45 :3

I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel that summons you by name.

Did you get that?? Did you hear that? "Treasures of Darkness" I can't tell you exactly what Isaiah was trying to convey in that scripture, I know it's in relation to Cyrus. But let me tell you what it means for Tina. It means that I will value the treasure I find in the darkness, what is stored up in secret. God has treasures for me in this abyss I found myself in. Yes, My Isaac & Hannah are treasures, but there is so much more for me to find. There is so much He wants to give me through this. There is so much He wants to give you, dear friend, through this. You see my Isaac & Hannah did not die in vain. There lives are not without purpose & I their mother will glorify God & praise Him because He chose them. He chose to use my humble simple family for His Kingdom & for His Honor. And in this darkness, there is so much yet to be found, but I'll tell you what I've found thus far. I've found faith, faith in a God that never leaves, never forsakes & abundantly loves. I've found courage, courage in me that I didn't know existed. I found love, love for my husband that will never fade. I found friendship, I love you Sa. I found joy, joy that can't be stolen.
I know that I'll never be the same person I was before February 21st, I know I wouldn't want to be. My life has been forever changed, changed by my 2 wonderful beautiful, precious, perfect babies. Isaac & Hannah Joy who flew away home to Heaven......