Christmas Memories

I came across a post from Sufficient Grace Ministries sister site, Walking With You~Bereavement Support. It was about remembering our little ones in Heaven at Christmas.
I need to be totally honest, the thought of Christmas without Isaac & Hannah brings a terrible knot to my stomach. This is my 3rd year without them & the tension in me begins to rise. I start feeling an inner countdown to just survive the holiday.
Now, I think up till right now, at this moment, I've denied that. I really don't think even Dan knows how painful this time of the year is for me. There's a certain amount of guilt mixed in, like I oughta be more happy. It is Christmas after all, & we celebrate the birth of Christ so shouldn't I be really joyful??
Well, I haven't been, although I do smile & enjoy Advent & seeing the excitement on the kids faces, there's the continual dull ache inside me.
Well, this post I read at WWY really challenged me, I don't think that was Kelly's intention. Or maybe it was, but it challenged me.
How can I honor my babies??
In the past I've tried buying an ornament for both Isaac & Hannah but found nothing "good enough" for them. I would just roam the store for an hour & eventually leave sick & crying.
However, this year I was blessed to receive Wings from Angel Wings~Memorial Boutique
so I have some "ornaments" for my babies.

Here's a pic of them both

So I hung them on the tree & you know what? It felt really good!!
Then I read the post from WWY & my mind suddenly felt less fogged & cluttered & I realized my perspective has been all wrong!
Yes, my babies being gone is going to continue to give me that dull ache, maybe til the day I die.
Probably.
BUT......
I need to see this accurately, Christ came to save me. He came to bring me everlasting life through His death & Resurrection & through His overcoming death I not only have salvation, I will see Isaac & Hannah again!!
There will be a day when I will feel no more pain or hurt & I will rejoice in Heaven, praising my Savior. And I will be rejoicing WITH MY CHILDREN!!
Woo-hoo!! Pretty awesome isn't it???
That change in perspective really got me excited about making memories with my girls & including my little ones that are waiting in Heaven for me.
I thought maybe they would like to make ornaments for Isaac & Hannah, & maybe I'll make some stockings for them.
We could write Christmas letters to our babies & release them to Heaven tied to balloons.
There are so many things we could do.
I know it's still gonna be difficult but I think making a conscience effort to find joy in all circumstances will make a world of difference.

Mama loves you my Butterfly Babies....

30 Posts in 30 Days....

My good friend & fellow blogger posted about this idea she found, check out her blog. She's an amazing woman. Anyway, the concept is for 30 days I answer one question about myself. With October being Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month I thought I'd use my friends modified questions in relation to losing Isaac & Hannah. I know it's already October 4th & I could back track some but it's no biggie, we'll just travel a few days into November K?

Day 1~ A song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore & why.

I have quite a few, so many. Two that pop out are "All That I can Say" by David Crowder Band & "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.
After Hannah died I was just so crushed, I mean we survived burying Isaac, how in the world could God take another child from us. How could he expect me to be anything more than a shell of a human being?? I felt like He'd forgotten me & I was so completely weakened. I felt there was nothing left inside of me & every single breathe I took was a struggle to live. The song "All That I can Say" reminds me of that pain & it's very difficult to listen to now. It's one of my "crying songs"
It's one of the songs I listen to when I've been bottling up my hurt waaaay too long & need to "pour out"
These are the lyrics to that song.

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark Is creeping in
Creeping up To swallow me
I think I'll stop & rest here a while

This is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you set it down

And this is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that That was You washing my feet


The last part of the song always brings me back. I remember that my God was there when I held Isaac for the first & last time. When I kissed my Sweet Hannah's face & never saw her again. When I wept & groaned...He was there, & He was crying too.

The other song "I Can Only Imagine" reminds me of the truth. When I hear it I can close my tear filled eyes & think of my Isaac & Hannah & what it'll be like to hold them. To smell their sweet skin, kiss they're chubby cheeks, & hold they're little hands. Oh the day when Jesus will hold me close & wipe away the tears, when He'll heal my wounded heart & bring me in His glory.

Hannah's Heavenly Birthday!

My Hannah Girl is two years old today.
Honestly the day started out rough & I was more than crabby. The skies were gray, it was cold & windy. I was hopin for a big beautiful sunny day with birds chirping & the sounds of children playing. But that didn't happen. Dan came home from work & I was so snippy, I realized I was putting everyone else on edge.
Thankfully God showed me that the day was only gonna get worse if I didn't relax. God is so wonderful to offer that gentle nudge to remind me that it's OK to miss Hannah & be happy for her too.
Lana, Nomi, & I talked all about what a party in Heaven would be like. Let me tell you, children have the most wonderful imaginations!! They talked about Hannah sliding down rainbows & angels singin to her, Jesus giving her extra hugs & kisses for her birthday.
Today we celebrated my sweet Hannah Joy's life....it was a wonderful day.