Hi Friends,
As you very well know I'm not here blogging as often as I used to be. I began a new blog some time back & have incorporated Isaac & Hannah into that one. My other blog is more of my day to day life. Considering Isaac & Hannah's names are on my lips as often as my other children, I felt it made sense to combine the two blogs.
Thank you for loving on me during my hurts & holding my hand during my fears. I will continue to hold your names & faces in my heart & pray for this beautiful group of women I've found.
In Him,
Tina
Revelation 21:4
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Monday, November 29, 2010
Fear
With the holiday season approaching I have felt down but have recently decided I will not allow the depression to rule me. However, the fear creeps in to replace it. I'm sure you BLM's can relate, the fear that makes no sense & just washes over you.
Fear to let your husband drive away because maybe he won't come home.
Fear to let your child fall asleep because maybe he won't wake up.
Fear to watch your parent walk out the door because maybe she'll never return.
When you've gone through sudden death the fear is different...at least to me. It's not the fear of death I have as much as the fear of shock, the fear of anguish, the fear of emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness. That's been happening to me since the day I heard the words "no heartbeat"
Then once I "survived" burying my son, when I finally began to feel somewhat human again my life was torn to shreds by the words being uttered again.
"NO HEARTBEAT"
My worst fear had come to pass. My Hannah who was supposed to live, she was supposed to bring the laughter back to my lifeless body.
She died.
But how could that be??
Wasn't God supposed to protect me from my terror? Wasn't He supposed to hide me underneath the shadow of His wing?
The boogy man had come & attacked & was God sitting idly by allowing such havoc???
All these questions continue to raid my mind from time to time, the holidays make me ripe for the picking. I am so vulnerable to the wiles of satan but thank God I'm becoming more aware to the assault. I'm seeing that if satan can get me to question God more & more, then I will focus on myself & my circumstances instead of the truth of who God is, thus making me even more vulnerable. You see the enemy doesn't come to bug, bother, & irritate. He comes to STEAL, KILL, & DESTROY.
His main purpose is to crush me...and YOU....into oblivion. And as lowly as it is he will use the death of our children to do it. He will take the precious sweet innocent lives of these perfect babies & use them against us.
Against God.
It really is offensive isn't it??
I stand by the fact that there will always be questions in my mind for God & why He took Isaac & Hannah. And honestly, I'm still mad. Still hurt. Still disappointed.
And yes...I still get very afraid.
However, I will not cling to fear, I will cling to my God. When the fear washes over me...because it will, I will hold fast to His word. He will never leave me nor will He forsake me. He loves me & He will protect me. Even in the worse pit I found myself in & my darkest days when there was little if any hope, He was there. So I will continue to believe in the shelter of the Most High God, He is my hiding place & my fortress.
This is a wonderful post about loss & learning to trust again through the fear.
http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/2010/11/learning-to-trust-again.html
Fear to let your husband drive away because maybe he won't come home.
Fear to let your child fall asleep because maybe he won't wake up.
Fear to watch your parent walk out the door because maybe she'll never return.
When you've gone through sudden death the fear is different...at least to me. It's not the fear of death I have as much as the fear of shock, the fear of anguish, the fear of emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness. That's been happening to me since the day I heard the words "no heartbeat"
Then once I "survived" burying my son, when I finally began to feel somewhat human again my life was torn to shreds by the words being uttered again.
"NO HEARTBEAT"
My worst fear had come to pass. My Hannah who was supposed to live, she was supposed to bring the laughter back to my lifeless body.
She died.
But how could that be??
Wasn't God supposed to protect me from my terror? Wasn't He supposed to hide me underneath the shadow of His wing?
The boogy man had come & attacked & was God sitting idly by allowing such havoc???
All these questions continue to raid my mind from time to time, the holidays make me ripe for the picking. I am so vulnerable to the wiles of satan but thank God I'm becoming more aware to the assault. I'm seeing that if satan can get me to question God more & more, then I will focus on myself & my circumstances instead of the truth of who God is, thus making me even more vulnerable. You see the enemy doesn't come to bug, bother, & irritate. He comes to STEAL, KILL, & DESTROY.
His main purpose is to crush me...and YOU....into oblivion. And as lowly as it is he will use the death of our children to do it. He will take the precious sweet innocent lives of these perfect babies & use them against us.
Against God.
It really is offensive isn't it??
I stand by the fact that there will always be questions in my mind for God & why He took Isaac & Hannah. And honestly, I'm still mad. Still hurt. Still disappointed.
And yes...I still get very afraid.
However, I will not cling to fear, I will cling to my God. When the fear washes over me...because it will, I will hold fast to His word. He will never leave me nor will He forsake me. He loves me & He will protect me. Even in the worse pit I found myself in & my darkest days when there was little if any hope, He was there. So I will continue to believe in the shelter of the Most High God, He is my hiding place & my fortress.
Isaiah 41:10 (New King James Version)
10 Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’
This is a wonderful post about loss & learning to trust again through the fear.
http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/2010/11/learning-to-trust-again.html
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thanksgiving
The past few days have been a blur. I called it my "Turkey Run"
Thursday we went by my mama, Friday my in-laws, today my dad's.
I'm tired. I'm glad though, to have kept busy. I know, I know...when there's things to think about & "feel" you really should just feel it & not stay busy. But I kinda feel like God was making this choice for me, He reminded me of all there is to be grateful for. In my last post I wrote about how painful it is to talk about gratefulness WITHOUT my children here with me. And I'm not gonna change that, I feel more pain than words can express that Isaac & Hannah are not here.
But, I am grateful for so much. I'm so thankful God allowed me to carry them, I wish I could have kept them in my tummy a whole lot longer but the fact that I did get to feel them & hear their little hearts beating is wonderful. I actually got to hold them, to look at little Isaac's feet & hold Hannah's hand. I can still close my eyes & smell them. Isn't that amazing?? I never ever thought I'd bury two children but I am grateful that I was able to honor them with a funeral. That I have a place to go & leave them flowers & just sit & sing to them. I'm never going to be able to fully accept that my children died. God knows that & He knows me & I can't say that I know His mind in all this but I think He's OK with me not accepting it. I don't mean I'll be forever bitter & angry, I'm not. But, I'll never be able to say "OK, I'm over this now"
What will happen, what is happening is that I'm becoming OK with who I am. I am a mother who has two children who died.
AND I AM THANKFUL FOR THEM.
They are my babies & I'm proud & honored to be their Mama.
Isaac is my only son & although his feet never touched the Earth, he changed the world! Hannah is my princess & she makes me a better mommy. I think of both of these blessings, YES! I did say blessings & I'm so thankful that God would choose ME to tell their story. That He chose me to carry them & minister to others through their deaths.
This may not be the Thanksgiving I pictured but I will show gratitude for His good gifts. Even if their not wrapped up in the pretty paper I expected. My God is good & my children are beautiful & I thank Him for them.
Psalm 100: 1-5
Thursday we went by my mama, Friday my in-laws, today my dad's.
I'm tired. I'm glad though, to have kept busy. I know, I know...when there's things to think about & "feel" you really should just feel it & not stay busy. But I kinda feel like God was making this choice for me, He reminded me of all there is to be grateful for. In my last post I wrote about how painful it is to talk about gratefulness WITHOUT my children here with me. And I'm not gonna change that, I feel more pain than words can express that Isaac & Hannah are not here.
But, I am grateful for so much. I'm so thankful God allowed me to carry them, I wish I could have kept them in my tummy a whole lot longer but the fact that I did get to feel them & hear their little hearts beating is wonderful. I actually got to hold them, to look at little Isaac's feet & hold Hannah's hand. I can still close my eyes & smell them. Isn't that amazing?? I never ever thought I'd bury two children but I am grateful that I was able to honor them with a funeral. That I have a place to go & leave them flowers & just sit & sing to them. I'm never going to be able to fully accept that my children died. God knows that & He knows me & I can't say that I know His mind in all this but I think He's OK with me not accepting it. I don't mean I'll be forever bitter & angry, I'm not. But, I'll never be able to say "OK, I'm over this now"
What will happen, what is happening is that I'm becoming OK with who I am. I am a mother who has two children who died.
AND I AM THANKFUL FOR THEM.
They are my babies & I'm proud & honored to be their Mama.
Isaac is my only son & although his feet never touched the Earth, he changed the world! Hannah is my princess & she makes me a better mommy. I think of both of these blessings, YES! I did say blessings & I'm so thankful that God would choose ME to tell their story. That He chose me to carry them & minister to others through their deaths.
This may not be the Thanksgiving I pictured but I will show gratitude for His good gifts. Even if their not wrapped up in the pretty paper I expected. My God is good & my children are beautiful & I thank Him for them.
Psalm 100: 1-5
1 Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. 2 Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. 3 Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. 5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Who am I??
Is this really me? This isn't what I signed up for, my dream for years was to have lots of children. But not this way, not with 2 in Heaven. Am I really "that lady" who's children died???
Am I the woman you see crying at the cemetery? Am I really the woman who smiles but always carries the ache of holding a lifeless body in my arms??
Why is this me?
This is not supposed to be me!!!
I'm supposed to be the one that doesn't understand " that smiles awkwardly not knowing what to say"
I'm not the one who receives the strange crooked smile with no words behind it & the look of pity. Oh, how I truly loathe that look!
Well, in case you haven't noticed I'm in a bad mood today. Honestly, I had no idea that 30 day challenge would be so....well, CHALLENGING!!
It made me think of feelings that hurt & feelings that are unfair & unwanted.
I do not want to know what it is like to bury my child. Wait I mean children!!
Recently someone told me I've been snippy lately & maybe your thinking I should be offended but let me clarify that this is someone who has been more than supportive in my loss OK?
And guess what? I am snippy, I'm really freakin angry when I stop & think about it. I mean most days are good but other days there's this searing red hot anger in there ready to burst forth & destroy.
So, yea~I'm snippy.
And I needed to hear that because I think I was ready to lose it on people I love.
I'm somewhat upset with God again, it comes back & forth in waves. Usually, I can deal with it quickly, I say "God, I'm mad at you....again, why did you take Isaac & Hannah? Please help me not to be mad at you Lord because the only way to survive is with YOU"
But, this time I didn't do that & now I don't feel so great.
Honestly, I'm really glad for who God is & the way HE talks to me, Tina.
Because He knows I'll avoid Him because once I really open up I'll start crying & hurting & I hate the build up of that. I know that afterwards I'll feel better but it's the dread of being weak. I'm not good at that.
Anyway, I was on FB & saw that my friend blogged & I read it. Her post moved my heart but what took me by surprise was the song that was playing, Selah~All My Praise.
I've heard this song countless times & I enjoy it each & every time but these words jumped out at me:
I will follow you through dark disaster
And sing hallelujah through the pain
Even in the shadow of death I will praise
Even in the valley I will say
Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise
I had to stop right there & pray, I wept before my God & cried to Him how much I love Him & how very sorry I am. I'm sorry because in my hurt anger & pride I intentionally pushed Him away. I still am angry but not at Him. I'm angry because my children died & that merits being angry. It's a good reason to be upset. I'm angry because dreams I had for them are not going to be fulfilled. I'm angry because my 3 girls had to survive the death of their siblings & I couldn't protect them from that.
But am I mad at God???
NO.
Will I feel mad at Him again? Probably.
But, I will not let it go too far again. Because He is holy, & He is worthy to be praised. I will praise Him with a broken heart, I will praise Him with a tear streaked face, I will praise Him because he is MY GOD.
Am I the woman you see crying at the cemetery? Am I really the woman who smiles but always carries the ache of holding a lifeless body in my arms??
Why is this me?
This is not supposed to be me!!!
I'm supposed to be the one that doesn't understand " that smiles awkwardly not knowing what to say"
I'm not the one who receives the strange crooked smile with no words behind it & the look of pity. Oh, how I truly loathe that look!
Well, in case you haven't noticed I'm in a bad mood today. Honestly, I had no idea that 30 day challenge would be so....well, CHALLENGING!!
It made me think of feelings that hurt & feelings that are unfair & unwanted.
I do not want to know what it is like to bury my child. Wait I mean children!!
Recently someone told me I've been snippy lately & maybe your thinking I should be offended but let me clarify that this is someone who has been more than supportive in my loss OK?
And guess what? I am snippy, I'm really freakin angry when I stop & think about it. I mean most days are good but other days there's this searing red hot anger in there ready to burst forth & destroy.
So, yea~I'm snippy.
And I needed to hear that because I think I was ready to lose it on people I love.
I'm somewhat upset with God again, it comes back & forth in waves. Usually, I can deal with it quickly, I say "God, I'm mad at you....again, why did you take Isaac & Hannah? Please help me not to be mad at you Lord because the only way to survive is with YOU"
But, this time I didn't do that & now I don't feel so great.
Honestly, I'm really glad for who God is & the way HE talks to me, Tina.
Because He knows I'll avoid Him because once I really open up I'll start crying & hurting & I hate the build up of that. I know that afterwards I'll feel better but it's the dread of being weak. I'm not good at that.
Anyway, I was on FB & saw that my friend blogged & I read it. Her post moved my heart but what took me by surprise was the song that was playing, Selah~All My Praise.
I've heard this song countless times & I enjoy it each & every time but these words jumped out at me:
I will follow you through dark disaster
And sing hallelujah through the pain
Even in the shadow of death I will praise
Even in the valley I will say
Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise
I had to stop right there & pray, I wept before my God & cried to Him how much I love Him & how very sorry I am. I'm sorry because in my hurt anger & pride I intentionally pushed Him away. I still am angry but not at Him. I'm angry because my children died & that merits being angry. It's a good reason to be upset. I'm angry because dreams I had for them are not going to be fulfilled. I'm angry because my 3 girls had to survive the death of their siblings & I couldn't protect them from that.
But am I mad at God???
NO.
Will I feel mad at Him again? Probably.
But, I will not let it go too far again. Because He is holy, & He is worthy to be praised. I will praise Him with a broken heart, I will praise Him with a tear streaked face, I will praise Him because he is MY GOD.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days...Day 30....Finally
Day 30 - a dream for the future
As I thought about today & this question the one "dream" that kept coming to mind was Babies...more babies.
That's my honest true dream. To have a house full of children, I already have 6 including Isaac & Hannah so why stop? It's already a big number so why don't we make it bigger?? I don't know what God's plans are but I know that when I think of "stopping" my heart aches.
When I think of the future I have this vision, I envision myself as this little old lady, sitting in my living room, my wrinkled frail hand in Dan's, & surrounding us our so so many children! I see my children, & their children, & their children. And oh how we all love one another & even more so we love God. We spend time in prayer & worship & my great grand babies cuddle up in my arms & even in my very old age I am still honored to breathe in that sweet baby scent.
I see my husband revered as the patriarch of the family, although he is aged the men consider his words of worth & value looking to him as a man of character.
Women come to me with their daughters seeking advice & wisdom from me as God has grown me in Him over the years. They rise up & call me blessed (Prov 31:28)
I thank God for the honor of blessing me with children, I have yet to know if He will see fit to bless me with more. I hope He does, it's my dream.
As I thought about today & this question the one "dream" that kept coming to mind was Babies...more babies.
That's my honest true dream. To have a house full of children, I already have 6 including Isaac & Hannah so why stop? It's already a big number so why don't we make it bigger?? I don't know what God's plans are but I know that when I think of "stopping" my heart aches.
When I think of the future I have this vision, I envision myself as this little old lady, sitting in my living room, my wrinkled frail hand in Dan's, & surrounding us our so so many children! I see my children, & their children, & their children. And oh how we all love one another & even more so we love God. We spend time in prayer & worship & my great grand babies cuddle up in my arms & even in my very old age I am still honored to breathe in that sweet baby scent.
I see my husband revered as the patriarch of the family, although he is aged the men consider his words of worth & value looking to him as a man of character.
Women come to me with their daughters seeking advice & wisdom from me as God has grown me in Him over the years. They rise up & call me blessed (Prov 31:28)
I thank God for the honor of blessing me with children, I have yet to know if He will see fit to bless me with more. I hope He does, it's my dream.
Friday, October 29, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 29
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Wow, where would I like to be during the next year? That's a really big question. I know physically I plan to lose weight & already have a wonderful group of women supporting me when I begin this upcoming Monday. So by this time next year I'd like there to be "less of me" & for there to be consistent good eating habits. Also, I'd like to make a serious dent in recovering from the debt we're in & to be headed toward purchasing our own home. After Dan's surgery & his being laid off for 7 months we need to pay off some big bills & I want to get those taken care of over the next 365 days.
Hopes?
I'd like to start making more baskets for BLM's. I've made a few & really like blessing Mommie's with them but haven't had the funds, I really hope God provides for that ministry over the next year.
And Dreams????
I dream of living life fully~of dancing with my daughters, laughing with my husband & praising God with abandon.....
Wow, where would I like to be during the next year? That's a really big question. I know physically I plan to lose weight & already have a wonderful group of women supporting me when I begin this upcoming Monday. So by this time next year I'd like there to be "less of me" & for there to be consistent good eating habits. Also, I'd like to make a serious dent in recovering from the debt we're in & to be headed toward purchasing our own home. After Dan's surgery & his being laid off for 7 months we need to pay off some big bills & I want to get those taken care of over the next 365 days.
Hopes?
I'd like to start making more baskets for BLM's. I've made a few & really like blessing Mommie's with them but haven't had the funds, I really hope God provides for that ministry over the next year.
And Dreams????
I dream of living life fully~of dancing with my daughters, laughing with my husband & praising God with abandon.....
Monday, October 18, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 18
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
My wedding...well honestly. It wasn't what I thought it would be. Now, I love Dan & am happy to have married him but I didn't get my dream wedding. Nor did I fully understand the magnitude of my commitment before GOD. I wasn't a believer then so I was marrying Dan with all the right reasons by the worlds standards.
I'm afraid this sounds wrong, like I didn't want to get married. I did & consider it the best decision I've ever made. Dan is the only man on this earth who "gets" me or who will actually put up with me!!
But, we were married in the courthouse & I wore a dress that he liked but honestly I didn't like. We didn't have our own rings either so we used my parents who are now divorced. My sister couldn't make it in time & that made me sad because she's important to me. Plus I was so nervous the judge actually told me to "breathe"
So, I would very much like to have a renewal of vows.
I would like to be able to take the time to tell Dan what he means to me by writing my own vows. I would like to be a testimony to others of God in our marriage during the ceremony. I have LOTS of ideas which I can't write here because some of them are surprises for Dan & he reads this =)
But ultimately for a future wedding I want to invite God to be involved considering He wasn't the first time & I want the opportunity to tell Dan how wonderful he is in front of all our family & friends.
Now, I need to mention some wonderful memories I have of our wedding. My Angie who is now 15 but was 7 at the time was my Maid of Honor (I'm happy smiling right now)
My mommy made my bouquet & it was absolutely beautiful. And last but not least, I mentioned I was very VERY nervous. Well, I can remember as clear as a bell~ Dan....he was just sweetly smiling at me & holding my hands in his, & I thought "wow, he really loves me"
My wedding...well honestly. It wasn't what I thought it would be. Now, I love Dan & am happy to have married him but I didn't get my dream wedding. Nor did I fully understand the magnitude of my commitment before GOD. I wasn't a believer then so I was marrying Dan with all the right reasons by the worlds standards.
I'm afraid this sounds wrong, like I didn't want to get married. I did & consider it the best decision I've ever made. Dan is the only man on this earth who "gets" me or who will actually put up with me!!
But, we were married in the courthouse & I wore a dress that he liked but honestly I didn't like. We didn't have our own rings either so we used my parents who are now divorced. My sister couldn't make it in time & that made me sad because she's important to me. Plus I was so nervous the judge actually told me to "breathe"
So, I would very much like to have a renewal of vows.
I would like to be able to take the time to tell Dan what he means to me by writing my own vows. I would like to be a testimony to others of God in our marriage during the ceremony. I have LOTS of ideas which I can't write here because some of them are surprises for Dan & he reads this =)
But ultimately for a future wedding I want to invite God to be involved considering He wasn't the first time & I want the opportunity to tell Dan how wonderful he is in front of all our family & friends.
Now, I need to mention some wonderful memories I have of our wedding. My Angie who is now 15 but was 7 at the time was my Maid of Honor (I'm happy smiling right now)
My mommy made my bouquet & it was absolutely beautiful. And last but not least, I mentioned I was very VERY nervous. Well, I can remember as clear as a bell~ Dan....he was just sweetly smiling at me & holding my hands in his, & I thought "wow, he really loves me"
Saturday, October 16, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 16
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
It took me all of 2 seconds to think of the answer to this.
Biko Mono Ve (Pass Me Not , O Gentle Savior) It Is Well With My Soul by Selah
When I learned of Isaac's death I went immediately back to Hymns. I grew up listening to Hymns & they brought me such comfort in a time of great pain. It was almost like God Himself was singing to me. At some point Dan & I decided we wanted a song played at Isaac's funeral & we chose this one. I borrowed the CD from my mom & felt somewhat prepared. I wanted to be a witness to others like Horatio Spafford, who penned "It Is Well With My Soul" after losing his 4 daughters in a tragic accident.
However, the morning of Isaac's funeral my soul was far from well. I felt if that song was played it would be a lie. My soul was in anguish & was not at peace.
Instead, Dan & I chose "Be Still My Soul" by Selah.
It was more fitting for where we were emotionally that horrible day.
That's another one that makes me cry...of course.
Honestly, this is a very difficult post for me, I added the links to the songs & had to listen to them to make sure they were the right ones. I'm sitting at the computer right now & want to fall in a heap on the floor & just cry.
Oh my babies, how Mama misses you. I ache for you, my arms are lonely without you. One day, we will be together & what a wonderful day that will be.
Until then, I'm incomplete....you hold a piece of my heart.
Your feet never touched the earth but you changed my life forever.
It took me all of 2 seconds to think of the answer to this.
Biko Mono Ve (Pass Me Not , O Gentle Savior) It Is Well With My Soul by Selah
When I learned of Isaac's death I went immediately back to Hymns. I grew up listening to Hymns & they brought me such comfort in a time of great pain. It was almost like God Himself was singing to me. At some point Dan & I decided we wanted a song played at Isaac's funeral & we chose this one. I borrowed the CD from my mom & felt somewhat prepared. I wanted to be a witness to others like Horatio Spafford, who penned "It Is Well With My Soul" after losing his 4 daughters in a tragic accident.
However, the morning of Isaac's funeral my soul was far from well. I felt if that song was played it would be a lie. My soul was in anguish & was not at peace.
Instead, Dan & I chose "Be Still My Soul" by Selah.
It was more fitting for where we were emotionally that horrible day.
That's another one that makes me cry...of course.
Honestly, this is a very difficult post for me, I added the links to the songs & had to listen to them to make sure they were the right ones. I'm sitting at the computer right now & want to fall in a heap on the floor & just cry.
Oh my babies, how Mama misses you. I ache for you, my arms are lonely without you. One day, we will be together & what a wonderful day that will be.
Until then, I'm incomplete....you hold a piece of my heart.
Your feet never touched the earth but you changed my life forever.
Day 15 & My Angel's Candles
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
What do I like??? Hmmmmm......
Well, we've only been here 3 weeks this upcoming Monday so I'm still discovering new things.
I suppose what I like the VERY MOST is we pay almost 500 bux less then the old place! Woo-hoo!
I also love that we have several awesome parks in walking distance, as well as an activity center & library.
And what do I absolutely positively love??
My sister who is my bestest bestie is 5 minutes away!! I mean I can run & get there in 60 seconds! Mind you if I do that my heart will probably explode as I fall over in a heap on her front step but none the less...I can do it if I want to =)
Well....maybe 120 seconds.
On another note, I didn't post yesterday because I was busy getting my home full of boxes somewhat organized for my "Wave Of Light" Remembrance Candle for Isaac & Hannah.
I needed to put some thought into what I wanted to express. This is my first time participating in the Wave of Light because I've always had a hard time with the candle thing. Growing up I would see candles with Saints on them & people would light them & pray about different circumstances. Deep inside me I didn't want God to think I was putting my babies before Him. So I had to work things out in my heart & do this right.
Glorifying Him & Him alone while remembering my children.
So, I set everything up.
Isaac's shadowbox & his bunny, & Hannah's photo & butterfly. I also had rose petals from their funerals. Their were a total of 6 candles, Isaac & Hannah shared the bigger one while their were 5 tea lights. One for my cousins daughter, my friends 3 Angels, & my big brother in Heaven.
Here is a photo of their candles.......
What do I like??? Hmmmmm......
Well, we've only been here 3 weeks this upcoming Monday so I'm still discovering new things.
I suppose what I like the VERY MOST is we pay almost 500 bux less then the old place! Woo-hoo!
I also love that we have several awesome parks in walking distance, as well as an activity center & library.
And what do I absolutely positively love??
My sister who is my bestest bestie is 5 minutes away!! I mean I can run & get there in 60 seconds! Mind you if I do that my heart will probably explode as I fall over in a heap on her front step but none the less...I can do it if I want to =)
Well....maybe 120 seconds.
On another note, I didn't post yesterday because I was busy getting my home full of boxes somewhat organized for my "Wave Of Light" Remembrance Candle for Isaac & Hannah.
I needed to put some thought into what I wanted to express. This is my first time participating in the Wave of Light because I've always had a hard time with the candle thing. Growing up I would see candles with Saints on them & people would light them & pray about different circumstances. Deep inside me I didn't want God to think I was putting my babies before Him. So I had to work things out in my heart & do this right.
Glorifying Him & Him alone while remembering my children.
So, I set everything up.
Isaac's shadowbox & his bunny, & Hannah's photo & butterfly. I also had rose petals from their funerals. Their were a total of 6 candles, Isaac & Hannah shared the bigger one while their were 5 tea lights. One for my cousins daughter, my friends 3 Angels, & my big brother in Heaven.
Here is a photo of their candles.......
After we lit the candles I read from Job 1. I read to my girls of how everything Job owned was destroyed & then while still reeling from that disaster he was told all of his children were dead. He answered this terrible news with "Naked I come from my mother's womb, & naked I will depart. The LORD gave & the LORD has taken away, blessed be the name of the LORD. "
Job 1:21
I explained to them that the Lord is ALWAYS good & worthy of praise..even when circumstances tell us otherwise. We then sang "How Great is Our God" which is the song we sang at Isaac's funeral, that was very hard for me. I've sung that song many times since Isaac's death but last night for a moment I was back in that funeral home & it struck me like lightening.
After our time of praise Dan led us in prayer.
The ceremony was bittersweet & painful at times but overall it was healing for me & God was praised.
Job 1:21
I explained to them that the Lord is ALWAYS good & worthy of praise..even when circumstances tell us otherwise. We then sang "How Great is Our God" which is the song we sang at Isaac's funeral, that was very hard for me. I've sung that song many times since Isaac's death but last night for a moment I was back in that funeral home & it struck me like lightening.
After our time of praise Dan led us in prayer.
The ceremony was bittersweet & painful at times but overall it was healing for me & God was praised.
"You're the name above all names,
you are worthy of all praise
& my heart will sing~How Great Is MY God"
Monday, October 11, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 11 **possible triggers**
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
As promised...My Rainbow Baby~Hope Joanna.
This picture makes me feel so much joy, such happiness. I praise my Abba Father for giving me this good & perfect gift (James 1:17)
There was a time when Dan & I officially "gave up"
We believed the Lord had closed my womb & I was no longer going to have any more children. I remember saying "OK God, I'm throwing my hands up & accepting that it's not your will"
A few days later I found out I was carrying Hope.
This picture encourages me & reminds me of God & His goodness so much. My spirit is swirling with emotions right now.
There is so much going on in this photo. Looking behind me I can see the cemetery lawn. That is a large piece of my heart because it's where I go to visit & spend private time with Isaac & Hannah & God.
Then there is the look shared between Hope & I, it reveals so much of my happiness.
For me the photo is a mesh of the bittersweet hurt of the past & the love that will forever linger there, as well as the hope of the future (Jeremiah 29:11)
I recently went to the Greg Laurie Harvest Crusade here in Chicago. Dan & I attended on the "Night of Hope"
The night was specifically geared towards those who have lost & Steven Curtis Chapman was there to perform. He also shared how he & his family have survived the tragic loss of their beautiful young daughter, Maria.
He spoke about his song Beauty Will Rise & the lyrics, "Out of these ashes... beauty will rise and we will dance among the ruins"
He opened my eyes to "RUINS"
He shared how tragic circumstances leave "ruins"
Take 9/11 for example. Terrible ruins everywhere~devastation. However, we choose not to live there, we rebuild, we restore. Beauty rises out of the ashes~& even the "new buildings" are a reminder of what we've survived. They are a reminder of healing.
That's what Hope is for me, she is her own person with her own identity. However, she is God's tangible reminder to me that He does not disappoint, that He restores, that He has a plan & a future.
I must share this picture as well,
This picture makes me feel so much joy, such happiness. I praise my Abba Father for giving me this good & perfect gift (James 1:17)
There was a time when Dan & I officially "gave up"
We believed the Lord had closed my womb & I was no longer going to have any more children. I remember saying "OK God, I'm throwing my hands up & accepting that it's not your will"
A few days later I found out I was carrying Hope.
This picture encourages me & reminds me of God & His goodness so much. My spirit is swirling with emotions right now.
There is so much going on in this photo. Looking behind me I can see the cemetery lawn. That is a large piece of my heart because it's where I go to visit & spend private time with Isaac & Hannah & God.
Then there is the look shared between Hope & I, it reveals so much of my happiness.
For me the photo is a mesh of the bittersweet hurt of the past & the love that will forever linger there, as well as the hope of the future (Jeremiah 29:11)
I recently went to the Greg Laurie Harvest Crusade here in Chicago. Dan & I attended on the "Night of Hope"
The night was specifically geared towards those who have lost & Steven Curtis Chapman was there to perform. He also shared how he & his family have survived the tragic loss of their beautiful young daughter, Maria.
He spoke about his song Beauty Will Rise & the lyrics, "Out of these ashes... beauty will rise and we will dance among the ruins"
He opened my eyes to "RUINS"
He shared how tragic circumstances leave "ruins"
Take 9/11 for example. Terrible ruins everywhere~devastation. However, we choose not to live there, we rebuild, we restore. Beauty rises out of the ashes~& even the "new buildings" are a reminder of what we've survived. They are a reminder of healing.
That's what Hope is for me, she is her own person with her own identity. However, she is God's tangible reminder to me that He does not disappoint, that He restores, that He has a plan & a future.
I must share this picture as well,
This is me singing to my Hopie Girl. I could write a book about how special this time with her is to me. We sing together often & this is one of our songs~I hope it conveys my heart towards God.....
Saturday, October 9, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 9
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
These are my animals. My Cow, Bear & Monkey....the wee-est animal isn't in this pic. I blog about them over here.
I love my girls. They are amazing. They are my heart & bring laughter to my soul. I thank God that He believes I'm capable to train these treasures for His Kingdom.
I wish this pic had my Hopie Girl but it's OK, I'll post a pic of my Rainbow Baby soon =)
I love my girls. They are amazing. They are my heart & bring laughter to my soul. I thank God that He believes I'm capable to train these treasures for His Kingdom.
I wish this pic had my Hopie Girl but it's OK, I'll post a pic of my Rainbow Baby soon =)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 7
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
This is my Dan, my best friend, my sweet handsome man. We were in South Haven, Michigan when I took this pic of him. It was October of 2007 & we were on a much needed get away. We had a wonderful & beautiful time. Little did we know that Isaac was being formed inside me. God was giving us this wonderful gift.
When I look at this picture I see the cold waves crashing behind my strong man. They didn't phase him, look at that grin! Now, I know they weren't 12 foot waves but they were loud & cold & somewhat intimidating.
My Dan is the picture of calm.
I love this picture of him & I love him.
To my husband....you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love the way your eyes twinkle when you laugh...I mean really laugh from way deep down in your belly. I love how your patient with me when I'm "shell fish like"
I love that when I'm afraid you don't mind that I act tough & then hold me when I finally cry.
Dan, I love you.
When I look at this picture I see the cold waves crashing behind my strong man. They didn't phase him, look at that grin! Now, I know they weren't 12 foot waves but they were loud & cold & somewhat intimidating.
My Dan is the picture of calm.
I love this picture of him & I love him.
To my husband....you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love the way your eyes twinkle when you laugh...I mean really laugh from way deep down in your belly. I love how your patient with me when I'm "shell fish like"
I love that when I'm afraid you don't mind that I act tough & then hold me when I finally cry.
Dan, I love you.
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 6
Day 6~20 Things That Calm You
1. Praying
2. Reading to my little ones.
3. Singing (Worship)
4. The scent of Dan's soap
5. Blogging/Writing
6. Driving
7. Sunsets
8. Praying over my Girls as they Sleep
9. When Dan rubs my head.
10. Lisa's Heaven
11. The scent of rain just before it begins to fall.
12. Ice Cream =)
13. Cuddling up with Angie Girl & hearing about her day.
14. The sound of breaking glass...I know, strange.
15. Making Butterfly Baskets
16. Hot Cocoa
17. Watching fire dance
18. Taking naps with my HotBox =)
19. Walking
20. Visiting South Haven Michigan...I saved this one for last because all the others I can do whenever I want. This one is a " once a year if I'm lucky all around entirely calming experience"
1. Praying
2. Reading to my little ones.
3. Singing (Worship)
4. The scent of Dan's soap
5. Blogging/Writing
6. Driving
7. Sunsets
8. Praying over my Girls as they Sleep
9. When Dan rubs my head.
10. Lisa's Heaven
11. The scent of rain just before it begins to fall.
12. Ice Cream =)
13. Cuddling up with Angie Girl & hearing about her day.
14. The sound of breaking glass...I know, strange.
15. Making Butterfly Baskets
16. Hot Cocoa
17. Watching fire dance
18. Taking naps with my HotBox =)
19. Walking
20. Visiting South Haven Michigan...I saved this one for last because all the others I can do whenever I want. This one is a " once a year if I'm lucky all around entirely calming experience"
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 5
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
I have a few relating to Isaac & Hannah so here they are~
"Learn not to smile in spite of our suffering-but because of it" ~ Joni Erickson Tada
The mention of my child's name ...
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring Music to my ears.
Please don't keep me From hearing the beautiful music.
It soothes my broken heart And fills my soul with love. ~Nancy Williams
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain ~Mercy Me
An Angel Never Dies
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be, God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow, Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do, Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you, That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies~~~Author Unknown
Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity~~~Author Unknown
And finally, A person's a person, no matter how small~Horton
I have a few relating to Isaac & Hannah so here they are~
"Learn not to smile in spite of our suffering-but because of it" ~ Joni Erickson Tada
The mention of my child's name ...
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring Music to my ears.
Please don't keep me From hearing the beautiful music.
It soothes my broken heart And fills my soul with love. ~Nancy Williams
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain ~Mercy Me
An Angel Never Dies
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be, God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow, Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do, Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you, That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies~~~Author Unknown
Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity~~~Author Unknown
And finally, A person's a person, no matter how small~Horton
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 4
Day 4~Your Favorite Book, has it changed since my Loss?
Wow, really? I can't say that I have one favorite book. I mean I'm a girl who was raised to read. I ALWAYS have a book in my hand. I love cook books & can never read enough of them, desert books, slow cooker books, soul food books...you name it, I've got it.
However, I do read a lot more about loss & grieving. The first book I read after losing Isaac was titled "Safe In The Arms of God" by John MacArthur. This was really a very comforting book because it helped me scripturally "back up" what I was believing about my Isaac being in Heaven with God. Not just saying "oh, he's in a better place"
After Hannah died a good BLM friend gave me 3 books, "In A Heartbeat" by Dawn Waltman, "Grieving The Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg, & "I'll Hold You In Heaven, Remembrance Book" by Debbie Heydrick.
These are very helpful books but if I had to pick one to recommend I would say I'll Hold You In Heaven helped me the most in dealing with the emotional roller coaster I found myself on.
Each chapter has a journal entry that asks questions of you that maybe are to difficult to ask yourself. There's also scripture, prayer, & song lyrics throughout the book.
However, I must stick to the question at hand & be sincere with you, I truly believe my favorite book before I became the mother of Angel Babies is the same as it is now.
The Book of Psalms.
This Book in God's Word completes my soul. So many times I ran to His word. I ran to the Psalms & hid there....
I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth...Psalm 121 1-2
When I couldn't sleep He gave me rest...
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety...Psalm 4:8
He gave me Hope...
I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. I will praise you in the presence of your saints....Psalm 52:9
So with that I can confidently say that if I was stranded on a desert island & had only one book to bring it would be the book of Psalms.
Wow, really? I can't say that I have one favorite book. I mean I'm a girl who was raised to read. I ALWAYS have a book in my hand. I love cook books & can never read enough of them, desert books, slow cooker books, soul food books...you name it, I've got it.
However, I do read a lot more about loss & grieving. The first book I read after losing Isaac was titled "Safe In The Arms of God" by John MacArthur. This was really a very comforting book because it helped me scripturally "back up" what I was believing about my Isaac being in Heaven with God. Not just saying "oh, he's in a better place"
After Hannah died a good BLM friend gave me 3 books, "In A Heartbeat" by Dawn Waltman, "Grieving The Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg, & "I'll Hold You In Heaven, Remembrance Book" by Debbie Heydrick.
These are very helpful books but if I had to pick one to recommend I would say I'll Hold You In Heaven helped me the most in dealing with the emotional roller coaster I found myself on.
Each chapter has a journal entry that asks questions of you that maybe are to difficult to ask yourself. There's also scripture, prayer, & song lyrics throughout the book.
However, I must stick to the question at hand & be sincere with you, I truly believe my favorite book before I became the mother of Angel Babies is the same as it is now.
The Book of Psalms.
This Book in God's Word completes my soul. So many times I ran to His word. I ran to the Psalms & hid there....
I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth...Psalm 121 1-2
When I couldn't sleep He gave me rest...
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety...Psalm 4:8
He gave me Hope...
I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. I will praise you in the presence of your saints....Psalm 52:9
So with that I can confidently say that if I was stranded on a desert island & had only one book to bring it would be the book of Psalms.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....
My good friend & fellow blogger posted about this idea she found, check out her blog. She's an amazing woman. Anyway, the concept is for 30 days I answer one question about myself. With October being Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month I thought I'd use my friends modified questions in relation to losing Isaac & Hannah. I know it's already October 4th & I could back track some but it's no biggie, we'll just travel a few days into November K?
Day 1~ A song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore & why.
I have quite a few, so many. Two that pop out are "All That I can Say" by David Crowder Band & "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.
After Hannah died I was just so crushed, I mean we survived burying Isaac, how in the world could God take another child from us. How could he expect me to be anything more than a shell of a human being?? I felt like He'd forgotten me & I was so completely weakened. I felt there was nothing left inside of me & every single breathe I took was a struggle to live. The song "All That I can Say" reminds me of that pain & it's very difficult to listen to now. It's one of my "crying songs"
It's one of the songs I listen to when I've been bottling up my hurt waaaay too long & need to "pour out"
These are the lyrics to that song.
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark Is creeping in
Creeping up To swallow me
I think I'll stop & rest here a while
This is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you set it down
And this is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that That was You washing my feet
The last part of the song always brings me back. I remember that my God was there when I held Isaac for the first & last time. When I kissed my Sweet Hannah's face & never saw her again. When I wept & groaned...He was there, & He was crying too.
The other song "I Can Only Imagine" reminds me of the truth. When I hear it I can close my tear filled eyes & think of my Isaac & Hannah & what it'll be like to hold them. To smell their sweet skin, kiss they're chubby cheeks, & hold they're little hands. Oh the day when Jesus will hold me close & wipe away the tears, when He'll heal my wounded heart & bring me in His glory.
Day 1~ A song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore & why.
I have quite a few, so many. Two that pop out are "All That I can Say" by David Crowder Band & "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.
After Hannah died I was just so crushed, I mean we survived burying Isaac, how in the world could God take another child from us. How could he expect me to be anything more than a shell of a human being?? I felt like He'd forgotten me & I was so completely weakened. I felt there was nothing left inside of me & every single breathe I took was a struggle to live. The song "All That I can Say" reminds me of that pain & it's very difficult to listen to now. It's one of my "crying songs"
It's one of the songs I listen to when I've been bottling up my hurt waaaay too long & need to "pour out"
These are the lyrics to that song.
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark Is creeping in
Creeping up To swallow me
I think I'll stop & rest here a while
This is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you set it down
And this is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that That was You washing my feet
The last part of the song always brings me back. I remember that my God was there when I held Isaac for the first & last time. When I kissed my Sweet Hannah's face & never saw her again. When I wept & groaned...He was there, & He was crying too.
The other song "I Can Only Imagine" reminds me of the truth. When I hear it I can close my tear filled eyes & think of my Isaac & Hannah & what it'll be like to hold them. To smell their sweet skin, kiss they're chubby cheeks, & hold they're little hands. Oh the day when Jesus will hold me close & wipe away the tears, when He'll heal my wounded heart & bring me in His glory.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
His Ways
Recently, I was going through my pictures. I have them set up on a slide show on my computer, I have over 4000!! I can just set up some music & watch the pics float by. Well, as I was keeping my hands busy in the house I noticed the pictures of our trip to South Haven Michigan had begun to come across the screen. Now, let me just pause here & say. South Haven is "Our Place" Dan & I absolutely love it there, it's so very beautiful & relaxing. It feels like a slice of Heaven, looking out my hotel window this is the view I get..... 
It's breathtaking. Dan & I had been going through some trials at that time, things that appeared overwhelming & so big. I got up early one morning & went out on the deck that sits over the lake to read my bible.
In His word I read Isaiah 54:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. I became so excited, I thought "wow God, you're so amazing to give me this word to hold on to" You see, I couldn't understand our current circumstance but I did understand that God & His ways are too awesome for me to comprehend & I could rest my weary soul by trusting in Him.
Later that same day Dan & I walked on the beach, it was quite cold but so wonderful. I felt the pressure lifted & could enjoy time with my love. As we walked along the shore I looked down & spotted a monarch butterfly lying on the sand.
It was obvious it's life was ebbing away. I couldn't walk away, I couldn't leave it there. My heart hurt for this beautiful creature. I thought it'd be best to pick it up & set it gently in the brush to keep it safely tucked away til it passed. However, I was afraid of picking him up & harming his wings, he was so tiny...so fragile. So Dan picked our little friend up, he didn't even attempt to fly away. He just rested comfortably with Dan. We didn't want to set him down, we didn't want to leave him...but we did.
Little did we know 5 months later our lives would be shattered. That we would have to desperately cling to the truth that in fact Gods ways are higher than ours & that we needed to rest in the promise that He knew what was best. My Isaac, we didn't want to leave him, my boy....my son.
We didn't want to walk away that terrible afternoon. That day I wanted to keep him safely tucked away, I wanted his Daddy to hold him & keep him warm. But what we wanted was not part of Gods will for us. His ways crushed our hearts, & on this occasion I felt His ways were so very wrong. I look back now & have no doubt that God gave me that word from Isaiah to hold onto when my son died & every day since then. I also believe with everything that I am that God sent that beautiful Monarch Butterfly to me that day. That He allowed us to be part of the last moments of his life. That Dans warm hands would comfort the sweet creature as he died & that his peaceful beauty would bring comfort to me in the months to come. Some may say that God has too much to do & enough to keep Him busy without sending me little butterflies. But, I know better....God is my loving Abba Father & He knows what speaks to the heart he created in me. He knows that I needed to see that little guy that day & he also blessed me in that I was able to get a picture of Dan holding him. That may not seem like much but it's amazing to me. Let me tell you why, when Isaac was born I held him, I asked Dan if he wanted to hold him-he did but wasn't sure how long we had with him. He told me "sweetie, you hold him~I'll be happy just to see you hold Isaac" I think that is pretty much one of the most selfless things my husband has ever done, it was such an amazing sacrifice & I will forever be indebted to him. But his heart does hurt that he didn't hold his one & only son & although this little butterfly is not Isaac~this picture represents such beauty....
As I look on at Dan tenderly & gently protecting this little guy I get a glimpse into my husband as a father to our Isaac.
In His word I read Isaiah 54:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. I became so excited, I thought "wow God, you're so amazing to give me this word to hold on to" You see, I couldn't understand our current circumstance but I did understand that God & His ways are too awesome for me to comprehend & I could rest my weary soul by trusting in Him.
Later that same day Dan & I walked on the beach, it was quite cold but so wonderful. I felt the pressure lifted & could enjoy time with my love. As we walked along the shore I looked down & spotted a monarch butterfly lying on the sand.
Little did we know 5 months later our lives would be shattered. That we would have to desperately cling to the truth that in fact Gods ways are higher than ours & that we needed to rest in the promise that He knew what was best. My Isaac, we didn't want to leave him, my boy....my son.
We didn't want to walk away that terrible afternoon. That day I wanted to keep him safely tucked away, I wanted his Daddy to hold him & keep him warm. But what we wanted was not part of Gods will for us. His ways crushed our hearts, & on this occasion I felt His ways were so very wrong. I look back now & have no doubt that God gave me that word from Isaiah to hold onto when my son died & every day since then. I also believe with everything that I am that God sent that beautiful Monarch Butterfly to me that day. That He allowed us to be part of the last moments of his life. That Dans warm hands would comfort the sweet creature as he died & that his peaceful beauty would bring comfort to me in the months to come. Some may say that God has too much to do & enough to keep Him busy without sending me little butterflies. But, I know better....God is my loving Abba Father & He knows what speaks to the heart he created in me. He knows that I needed to see that little guy that day & he also blessed me in that I was able to get a picture of Dan holding him. That may not seem like much but it's amazing to me. Let me tell you why, when Isaac was born I held him, I asked Dan if he wanted to hold him-he did but wasn't sure how long we had with him. He told me "sweetie, you hold him~I'll be happy just to see you hold Isaac" I think that is pretty much one of the most selfless things my husband has ever done, it was such an amazing sacrifice & I will forever be indebted to him. But his heart does hurt that he didn't hold his one & only son & although this little butterfly is not Isaac~this picture represents such beauty....
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Hannah Joy
For a short time I held you in my womb,
Safe & warm in your little cocoon.
In the secret place God knit you fingers & toes
What did you look like? I wanted to know.
Curly brown hair, Dark big eyes
Sweet little hands to hold in mine.
With anticipation my belly grew,
Everyday waiting to meet wonderful you.
But then JESUS came & said,
"Come on, let's play...
& look at the wonderful things I have to show you along the way"
"See that rainbow, look at that bird, he sings a song they've never heard on Earth"
My Sweet Babe, you left much too soon.
I'd like to ask Jesus to let me hold you,
Safe & warm in your little cocoon...
But He's taken you to Heaven High
For Laughter & Joy
Spread your wings...and fly~
We love you our sweet butterfly,
Daddy, Mommy, Angie, Lana, Naomi, & Hope
Revelation 21:4
Safe & warm in your little cocoon.
In the secret place God knit you fingers & toes
What did you look like? I wanted to know.
Curly brown hair, Dark big eyes
Sweet little hands to hold in mine.
With anticipation my belly grew,
Everyday waiting to meet wonderful you.
But then JESUS came & said,
"Come on, let's play...
& look at the wonderful things I have to show you along the way"
"See that rainbow, look at that bird, he sings a song they've never heard on Earth"
My Sweet Babe, you left much too soon.
I'd like to ask Jesus to let me hold you,
Safe & warm in your little cocoon...
But He's taken you to Heaven High
For Laughter & Joy
Spread your wings...and fly~
We love you our sweet butterfly,
Daddy, Mommy, Angie, Lana, Naomi, & Hope
Revelation 21:4
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Homesick
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now~~~~~Homesick by Mercy Me
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now~~~~~Homesick by Mercy Me
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Memories of 9/11
9/11 was the most horrific event I'd ever witnessed. I remember when I heard, where I was, how I felt. It was truly terrifying. I had just walked my daughter to the bus stop & my mother called & told me to switch the TV on, she kept repeating "we're being attacked, we're being attacked"
I turned on the television in time to see the second plane crash into the tower. I ran & woke Dan saying the same words my mother had just told me "we're being attacked"
The entire day was surreal, a mixture of anger, fear, & sadness. I just couldn't believe what was happening, how could this happen? On American soil?
Why did this happen?
We all remember that, it was tragic. It is a shared wound of the American people.
Two years ago today, I sat at this computer. I felt so burdened & hurt for the families that had lost loved ones. I wanted to somehow be an encouragement & remind others to be an encouragement as well. I looked for some way to share my heart & decided to post a video on Facebook.
I can't tell you exactly why years after the attacks I felt so freshly wounded but I believe it was because I'd recently buried my son. The pain of losing him in the womb was so unbearable I couldn't imagine the anguish 9/11 parents felt.
I then got off the computer & went about my day, I moved on, I continued to live.
The next day I was told my daughter was dead.
My world as I knew it came crashing down around me. How could this be? Why was this happening? To me??
Again???
I remember as I lay there, I decided she wasn't dead. The Dr was simply wrong, the machine was broken. I sat up, looked at Dan & said "no, she's not dead, there's something wrong with that thing" pointing at the ultrasound screen. "That thing is old & it's wrong"
He gently tried to comfort me & tell me she was in fact gone. I replied "no, she's sick, there's something wrong with her heart, but she is NOT DEAD"
Again, this amazing man, held me & gently told me she was gone.
As he continued to softly repeat the truth to me I felt as though my heart was coming to a standstill itself, I felt I was dying. Honestly, part of me did die that day. There is a piece of my heart that is gone & it will not be whole until I see Hannah's face again.
I know that what I endured is not the same as those that lived through the attacks of 9/11.
However, I do feel a sense of understanding.
I now know the shock of hearing dreaded words that crush the heart. I know the bittersweet feelings of seeing my child's name etched on a stone marker. I know the pain of saying "goodbye"
My heart aches today, it aches for all the families that are remembering smiles they no longer see, laughter they no longer hear, & hands they no longer hold.
My heart aches for all the mothers I've come to know through my losses. My heart aches for all the smiles we never saw, the laughter we never heard, & the little hands we long to hold again.
What I will hold onto as I walk through this day & the days ahead is the promise of my Sovereign Holy God...
I turned on the television in time to see the second plane crash into the tower. I ran & woke Dan saying the same words my mother had just told me "we're being attacked"
The entire day was surreal, a mixture of anger, fear, & sadness. I just couldn't believe what was happening, how could this happen? On American soil?
Why did this happen?
We all remember that, it was tragic. It is a shared wound of the American people.
Two years ago today, I sat at this computer. I felt so burdened & hurt for the families that had lost loved ones. I wanted to somehow be an encouragement & remind others to be an encouragement as well. I looked for some way to share my heart & decided to post a video on Facebook.
I can't tell you exactly why years after the attacks I felt so freshly wounded but I believe it was because I'd recently buried my son. The pain of losing him in the womb was so unbearable I couldn't imagine the anguish 9/11 parents felt.
I then got off the computer & went about my day, I moved on, I continued to live.
The next day I was told my daughter was dead.
My world as I knew it came crashing down around me. How could this be? Why was this happening? To me??
Again???
I remember as I lay there, I decided she wasn't dead. The Dr was simply wrong, the machine was broken. I sat up, looked at Dan & said "no, she's not dead, there's something wrong with that thing" pointing at the ultrasound screen. "That thing is old & it's wrong"
He gently tried to comfort me & tell me she was in fact gone. I replied "no, she's sick, there's something wrong with her heart, but she is NOT DEAD"
Again, this amazing man, held me & gently told me she was gone.
As he continued to softly repeat the truth to me I felt as though my heart was coming to a standstill itself, I felt I was dying. Honestly, part of me did die that day. There is a piece of my heart that is gone & it will not be whole until I see Hannah's face again.
I know that what I endured is not the same as those that lived through the attacks of 9/11.
However, I do feel a sense of understanding.
I now know the shock of hearing dreaded words that crush the heart. I know the bittersweet feelings of seeing my child's name etched on a stone marker. I know the pain of saying "goodbye"
My heart aches today, it aches for all the families that are remembering smiles they no longer see, laughter they no longer hear, & hands they no longer hold.
My heart aches for all the mothers I've come to know through my losses. My heart aches for all the smiles we never saw, the laughter we never heard, & the little hands we long to hold again.
What I will hold onto as I walk through this day & the days ahead is the promise of my Sovereign Holy God...
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Revelation 21:4 (KJV)
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