Not Good

I can honestly say I'm not doing great right now. I'm feeling quite down. I have all sorts of swirling emotions & I refuse to just stay in this "place" & be depressed. But, I'm feeling altogether down & can't get a grasp on why. I guess it's the holiday season approaching. I'm just not into it. Thanksgiving is right around the corner & every evening after dinner we express gratitude. Yesterday, we played the "I spy" thankfulness game. The girls had lots of fun keeping us guessing trying to figure out what they were thankful for. Tonight, we picked someone at the table & said one thing we were grateful for. Those moment feel sweet but they kinda hurt. I feel like I'm being ungrateful for saying that but it's true. Isaac should be 2!! Two years old! He should be rambling some sweet little baby talk to us. He should be here & he's not. And it really sucks.
Christmas is so painful. I love Christmas morning & it's so crazy around here with wrapping paper & giggles. But it's the days leading up to it. It's the shopping. I always feel so guilty for not buying anything for Isaac & Hannah. I mean I get them a little something for their headstones but that is really twisted ya know??
I mean hear I am buying baby dolls & puzzles for my other kids & I am spending hours, no! days looking for the "perfect" something for my children in a cemetery. How messed up is that? I mean what do you say to the saleslady "ummm...I need something for my daughter, she died 2 years ago & I never got to know her so I'm not sure what she would like, what do you suggest???"
It's just not fair....
I've never bought an ornament for Isaac & Hannah. Nothing was right. Nothing was good enough.
I've not bought any ornaments since Christmas 2007. This year I think I'm just gonna buy a family ornament & include them. I think that'll make me feel better.
A little....
At least in that family "picture" all my babies will be there.