Have mercy on me, Oh God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. Psalm 57:1
I've been hiding. Hiding in my pain, hiding in my doubt, hiding from God. Sometimes the pain gets so overwhelming that I run like a child afraid of thunder. Slamming & locking the door behind me not allowing anyone to see my tears. Afraid. I've been feeling the anguish that penetrates deep into the recesses of your soul. You see yesterday was Hannah's heavenly birthday. And although I never once lost my composure my heart screamed out, my soul wept, my spirit mourned. I went about my day as if nothing were different. I had children that had places to go & dinner that needed to be cooked, it felt good to stay busy...to hide.
However, I found that you can keep your hands moving, & your feet rushing but your mind, it roams where it wants. It remembers & demands to be acknowledged.
So here I am today, broken.
Thinking of my Hannah, wishing I could smell the back of her neck, longing to feel my lips against her cheek, sweet Hannah.
In this abyss I find myself in I ask God "why??? Why my Hannah? Why me???" I ask & ask so many questions as my heart screams. I cry in wonder that He could take my child, that He allowed me to hurt in a way no mother should experience.
I feel anger & hurt like I haven't felt in a very long time & am shocked that these feelings are even there. Will it ever stop? God?
The feelings & thoughts are crushing & closing in on me & the pain is so fresh again. I want to run, I want to hide. But wherever I go, wherever I turn, the pain is waiting. Waiting to wash over me & pull me under, it wants to consume me.
Finally I see there is nowhere to hide. There is no refuge for my weary heart.
But is that true? Is there really nowhere I can hide? Nowhere I can find rest?
Oh but there is, I've forgotten. Oh God forgive me...have mercy on me, let me hide in you Lord. I am broken before you, fragments of my heart are too many to count. My soul cries out for your healing. Let me run into your waiting arms & weep, give me rest. Refresh me Oh God, restore my joy & make me new.
I will trust in your unfailing love, I will believe in your goodness & majesty. I will trust in you, for you Oh God are my hiding place...