Thursday, September 30, 2010

His Ways

Recently, I was going through my pictures. I have them set up on a slide show on my computer, I have over 4000!! I can just set up some music & watch the pics float by. Well, as I was keeping my hands busy in the house I noticed the pictures of our trip to South Haven Michigan had begun to come across the screen. Now, let me just pause here & say. South Haven is "Our Place" Dan & I absolutely love it there, it's so very beautiful & relaxing. It feels like a slice of Heaven, looking out my hotel window this is the view I get.....
It's breathtaking. Dan & I had been going through some trials at that time, things that appeared overwhelming & so big. I got up early one morning & went out on the deck that sits over the lake to read my bible.
In His word I read Isaiah 54:8-9
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. I became so excited, I thought "wow God, you're so amazing to give me this word to hold on to" You see, I couldn't understand our current circumstance but I did understand that God & His ways are too awesome for me to comprehend & I could rest my weary soul by trusting in Him.
Later that same day Dan & I walked on the beach, it was quite cold but so wonderful. I felt the pressure lifted & could enjoy time with my love. As we walked along the shore I looked down & spotted a monarch butterfly lying on the sand.

It was obvious it's life was ebbing away. I couldn't walk away, I couldn't leave it there. My heart hurt for this beautiful creature. I thought it'd be best to pick it up & set it gently in the brush to keep it safely tucked away til it passed. However, I was afraid of picking him up & harming his wings, he was so fragile. So Dan picked our little friend up, he didn't even attempt to fly away. He just rested comfortably with Dan. We didn't want to set him down, we didn't want to leave him...but we did.
Little did we know 5 months later our lives would be shattered. That we would have to desperately cling to the truth that in fact Gods ways are higher than ours & that we needed to rest in the promise that He knew what was best.
My Isaac, we didn't want to leave him, my son.
We didn't want to walk away that terrible afternoon. That day I wanted to keep him safely tucked away, I wanted his Daddy to hold him & keep him warm. But what we wanted was not part of Gods will for us. His ways crushed our hearts, & on this occasion I felt His ways were so very wrong.
I look back now & have no doubt that God gave me that word from Isaiah to hold onto when my son died & every day since then. I also believe with everything that I am that God sent that beautiful Monarch Butterfly to me that day. That He allowed us to be part of the last moments of his life. That Dans warm hands would comfort the sweet creature as he died & that his peaceful beauty would bring comfort to me in the months to come. Some may say that God has too much to do & enough to keep Him busy without sending me little butterflies. But, I know better....God is my loving Abba Father & He knows what speaks to the heart he created in me. He knows that I needed to see that little guy that day & he also blessed me in that I was able to get a picture of Dan holding him. That may not seem like much but it's amazing to me. Let me tell you why, when Isaac was born I held him, I asked Dan if he wanted to hold him-he did but wasn't sure how long we had with him. He told me "sweetie, you hold him~I'll be happy just to see you hold Isaac" I think that is pretty much one of the most selfless things my husband has ever done, it was such an amazing sacrifice & I will forever be indebted to him. But his heart does hurt that he didn't hold his one & only son & although this little butterfly is not Isaac~this picture represents such beauty....
As I look on at Dan tenderly & gently protecting this little guy I get a glimpse into my husband as a father to our Isaac.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Hannah's Heavenly Birthday!

My Hannah Girl is two years old today.
Honestly the day started out rough & I was more than crabby. The skies were gray, it was cold & windy. I was hopin for a big beautiful sunny day with birds chirping & the sounds of children playing. But that didn't happen. Dan came home from work & I was so snippy, I realized I was putting everyone else on edge.
Thankfully God showed me that the day was only gonna get worse if I didn't relax. God is so wonderful to offer that gentle nudge to remind me that it's OK to miss Hannah & be happy for her too.
Lana, Nomi, & I talked all about what a party in Heaven would be like. Let me tell you, children have the most wonderful imaginations!! They talked about Hannah sliding down rainbows & angels singin to her, Jesus giving her extra hugs & kisses for her birthday.
Today we celebrated my sweet Hannah Joy's was a wonderful day.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Hannah Joy

For a short time I held you in my womb,
Safe & warm in your little cocoon.
In the secret place God knit you fingers & toes
What did you look like? I wanted to know.
Curly brown hair, Dark big eyes
Sweet little hands to hold in mine.
With anticipation my belly grew,
Everyday waiting to meet wonderful you.
But then JESUS came & said,
"Come on, let's play...
& look at the wonderful things I have to show you along the way"
"See that rainbow, look at that bird, he sings a song they've never heard on Earth"
My Sweet Babe, you left much too soon.
I'd like to ask Jesus to let me hold you,
Safe & warm in your little cocoon...
But He's taken you to Heaven High
For Laughter & Joy
Spread your wings...and fly~

We love you our sweet butterfly,
Daddy, Mommy, Angie, Lana, Naomi, & Hope
Revelation 21:4

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Dreading Tomorrow

Today isn't's actually Sunday. September 14th, 2008 to be exact.
I don't want it to be but it is & I can't help it. My heart has gone backwards, my emotions hit the rewind button & I hate it.
I remember this particular Sunday because I was in such dread of the following day, the day I was to be admitted to Lincoln Memorial Hospital. I was in such shock, I felt so numb, sick & exhausted.
We went to church that day, I tried to hold my head up, I tried to function but I felt like I was in some strange movie & all this couldn't really be happening. There was also all sorts of confusion as to whether Dan & I wanted anyone to talk to us about our baby. So no one really knew what they ought to do when they saw us, it was disturbing.
And lonely...
The rest of the day was slow moving. Do you know what I mean??
Every minute felt like an hour, it was such torture. To wonder what the next day was going to hold & to also have the knowledge that the next day my heart was going to be crushed further. I hated knowing I had to endure all this again. I hated that even the terrible experience to come wasn't a new one. It all felt so unfair, Isaac was only gone for a short time & here I was again. Living the same terrible nightmare.
That Sunday, & the following days...brought pain I can't fully describe in words, pain no mother should experience.
Today, my heart is wounded & full of pain again. And I'm not gonna fake it & smile & be strong or pretend I'm not hurting.
I'm going to miss my Daughter, My Hannah.
I'm going to weep & cry out to God for the comfort only He can give.
I will not mourn as those without hope.
But, I will mourn.

Sunday, September 12, 2010


You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now~~~~~Homesick by Mercy Me

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Memories of 9/11

9/11 was the most horrific event I'd ever witnessed. I remember when I heard, where I was, how I felt. It was truly terrifying. I had just walked my daughter to the bus stop & my mother called & told me to switch the TV on, she kept repeating "we're being attacked, we're being attacked"
I turned on the television in time to see the second plane crash into the tower. I ran & woke Dan saying the same words my mother had just told me "we're being attacked"
The entire day was surreal, a mixture of anger, fear, & sadness. I just couldn't believe what was happening, how could this happen? On American soil?
Why did this happen?
We all remember that, it was tragic. It is a shared wound of the American people.
Two years ago today, I sat at this computer. I felt so burdened & hurt for the families that had lost loved ones. I wanted to somehow be an encouragement & remind others to be an encouragement as well. I looked for some way to share my heart & decided to post a video on Facebook.
I can't tell you exactly why years after the attacks I felt so freshly wounded but I believe it was because I'd recently buried my son. The pain of losing him in the womb was so unbearable I couldn't imagine the anguish 9/11 parents felt.
I then got off the computer & went about my day, I moved on, I continued to live.

The next day I was told my daughter was dead.

My world as I knew it came crashing down around me. How could this be? Why was this happening? To me??
I remember as I lay there, I decided she wasn't dead. The Dr was simply wrong, the machine was broken. I sat up, looked at Dan & said "no, she's not dead, there's something wrong with that thing" pointing at the ultrasound screen. "That thing is old & it's wrong"
He gently tried to comfort me & tell me she was in fact gone. I replied "no, she's sick, there's something wrong with her heart, but she is NOT DEAD"
Again, this amazing man, held me & gently told me she was gone.
As he continued to softly repeat the truth to me I felt as though my heart was coming to a standstill itself, I felt I was dying. Honestly, part of me did die that day. There is a piece of my heart that is gone & it will not be whole until I see Hannah's face again.
I know that what I endured is not the same as those that lived through the attacks of 9/11.
However, I do feel a sense of understanding.

I now know the shock of hearing dreaded words that crush the heart. I know the bittersweet feelings of seeing my child's name etched on a stone marker. I know the pain of saying "goodbye"

My heart aches today, it aches for all the families that are remembering smiles they no longer see, laughter they no longer hear, & hands they no longer hold.
My heart aches for all the mothers I've come to know through my losses. My heart aches for all the smiles we never saw, the laughter we never heard, & the little hands we long to hold again.
What I will hold onto as I walk through this day & the days ahead is the promise of my Sovereign Holy God...

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Revelation 21:4 (KJV)