Lord I'm tired...so tired from walkin
& Lord, I'm so alone
The dark is creeping in....
Creepin up to swallow me
I think I'll stop & rest here a while.
These words, they're from a song. They really convey where my heart is. I have to stop.
I need rest.
This morning my stepmother called to let me know my cousin had just had her daughter. She was stillborn.
I've been busy the past few hours. I called my cousin, we talked a few minutes.
Then I called the funeral director who helped us with Isaac & Hannah. Then I got on the phone with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, professional photographers who offer a free service for occasions such as these. I spoke to a friend to help me figure out the best way to approach my cousin.
Well, now...there's nothing for me to do.
My cousin is doing everything I'd planned on advising her to do. It's just that when your in the middle of the mess you don't think of everything so I was desperate to get to her & help her. But surprisingly she HAS thought of quite a bit.
So now here I am....thinking...feeling. And ya know what? I don't want to....
But OK I will, cuz if I don't I'm gonna scream.
I'm gonna break something & just scream!
I'll tell you what, this is just plain ole hard. I mean it's just not fair. My cousin has no other children, this is her first & she doesn't get to keep her. She has to say goodbye. Not fair.
Recently a woman asked me how did I stay so faithful to God? How come I didn't get angry with Him?
Can I let you in on a secret? I did get angry then & honestly I'm kinda angry now.
Not knock down drag out angry like before but I feel I could get a little ugly right now.
And I'm frustrated too.
Frustration that I can do nothing to stop the hurt. The knowledge that my cousin has to walk through this as I did & that there is no way around it.
Frustration that this is the ministry God has called me to & it's so very heavy. So filled with hurt & sometimes I just don't think I have the strength to do it.
Sometimes, I just wanna crawl under my bed & ignore the tears. Ignore the pain.
But, I can't....God didn't design me that way.
Instead He designed me with a heart in tune with anothers pain. When He brought this ministry to me, He laid it so heavy on my heart that I can not ignore it. So I will be there for my cousin in every way she will allow me. I will hurt with her, I will cry with her, listen to her, or just be quiet...........with her.
And through it, I will remember.
I will remember Isaac's ears...Hannah's hands,
Isaac's little feet & Hannah's sweet baby smell.
So, I'm just gonna stop....I'm gonna stop & rest with Jesus a while.
I'm gonna let him refresh me...I'm tired.
I'm gonna let Him fill me up because I feel so very empty right now. I'm gonna let Him hold me because I'm certain the tears will be here soon.
And above all...I'm gonna trust Him because He's all that I need.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
My beautiful & wonderful friend Toni Ruppert created this beautiful work of art. I really don't think my picture does the painting justice. The painting is titled "Healing Hands"
She created it the night I was laboring with Hope.
Toni had received a prayer request for our family & little Hope, word went out there were complications with her delivery.
As Toni prayed, she painted.
As Toni painted, God healed.
This painting & all it conveys, has brought great healing to my heart.
This is some of what Toni herself had to say about her work...
"Every component of "Healing Hands" -the color, the imagery was chosen to celebrate the lives of Tina's unborn children. The hands are raised up as we surrender these two precious souls back to God - their Creator. I chose hands uplifted because they symbolized surrender and healing. The hands are raised up as we surrender - when no words will do. As I waited to hear news of my friend, I had no words, only watercolor, acrylic, ink and pastel media to communicate to God with."
It was a blessing & honor when Toni shared with me that this piece had been chosen for the "Dreams of Healing" 2010 Art Exhibit at Swedish Covenant Hospital.
On Friday May 14Th, Dan & I, as well as Hope & my mother attended opening night for the exhibit.
I walked into find that a book of all the artwork was available for purchase. I found that Toni's beautiful piece was on page 79 (in case you were wondering=D)
As I looked at the photo, I was a bit overwhelmed. There I was...holding precious sweet Hope in my arms & in my hands I held a book honoring my babies in Heaven. Honestly, my soul was hurting some, then I read the caption under the photo of the painting & my heart soared....
Toni dedicated "Healing Hands" to Isaac, Hannah, & unborn babies around the world.
And now, here I am...speechless, no words will do...
Except, Thank you Toni....Thank you God...........