Tuesday, August 25, 2009

God's Mercy

I lift my eyes up to the hills-where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,The maker of Heaven & Earth
Psalm 121:1-2

Let me try to convey my heart today...
At 1 pm I started having light spotting, I looked at what I believed was the beginning of the end of my sweet lil ones time with me. I cried & called the Dr who told me to come in right away. With my history they were very understanding & gentle with me. I called Dan & hated to tell the man I love the same words I said 18 months ago when Isaac was leaving us.
The drive to the hospital was silent & surreal. Neither Dan or myself could speak, we were frozen in fear with tear streaked faces. With terrible familiar feelings. Driving into downtown Chicago wondering why? Pained as I walked through the hospital & saw people laughing & carrying on with their day. Feeling the need to run away.
The moment came where I was told to lay down for the ultrasound, my heart & soul screamed.
Not again, I can't do this again! I can't look at that screen & see that still baby, that still heart. Please God, Please God. All I could say over & over was PLEASE GOD...
He answered...He came quickly to my rescue.
My sweet lil one is alive...
The Dr doesn't know why I spotted or why it stopped. But I do, God laid His hands on me, God laid His hands on this baby. He heard the prayers of His many saints who came on our behalf before His throne. He heard our cries for this life & poured His mercy on us.
For a long time I couldn't even speak, I was just silent in His presence. Once again in awe of His love for me, in awe of my love for Him.
I still feel silent before Him, as though words aren't big enough to express my heart. I have a joy & peace inside me I've never felt before. God allowed us to witness our sweet & precious child jumping around. I'd like to think he or she was praising God at that moment. Joyful before his maker.
This has been a winding path that sometimes leaves me with skinned knees & a fearful heart. But God lights my path just enough to follow Him. The key is to lift my eyes to Him, when terror strikes my heart, to remember where my help comes from.
The Maker of Heaven & Earth...and babies too.

Friday, August 14, 2009


For I know the plans I have for you decalres the Lord, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE & a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I have wonderful hope, because the Lord has blessed us yet again with another child.Praise God!! I hope in the Lord that this child will come to term & live a fruitful life for His Kingdom.
There are moments of fear & doubt, moments when I feel the waves of the unknown crashing down around me. Moments when I feel that all is too good to be true. But in those moments I have to remind myself of His word. That He has plans for me, hope, & a future.
You see, as much as I hate to admit it, if God chooses to take this baby to live eternally with Him, if I have to wait to meet this one til I go home to heaven, well, that's His plan. And although I may not understand it, that plan has hope. Now, don't think I'm just throwing my hands up & saying "oh well, whatever God does is OK with me"
If you know me at all then you know I'm the kicking & screaming type=)
But I know He'll sustain me wherever He leads me.
I choose to believe & hope.
To hope that God lets us hold this little one...
To hope my mother kisses her grandbaby...
To hope our daughters will see the mercy & goodness of God...
To hope that I will see the joy on Dan's face when he looks for the first time at his child...
To hope & never stop hoping....