Today was a bit difficult for me. I went to the cemetery. See, I haven't been there for a while, truth is, it's been months. I dealt with a lot, I mean A LOT of guilt because I haven't gone. But honestly, I couldn't. I can't put it into words exactly but I suppose my heart just couldn't bear it. But today was the day, there was no getting around the "pull" on my heart strings & I knew if I ignored that urge I'd regret it.
So in this terrible Chicago winter weather, I put on my oh so snazzy snow boots, gloves, hat, & scarf. And waddled my way across the snow.
With every word in my vocabulary I can't convey how painful it was to walk up to where I normally sit on the green grass & sing & talk to my babies & find nothing but snow.
Cold, harsh, unwelcoming snow.
I had to get down & dig around to find they're little headstones, as I fought back icy tears & again...overwhelming guilt.
I kept thinking, "how could I have done this? How could I have waited so long?"
I left them little angels in wreaths that I made for them, gave them kisses, & trudged back to my warm van.
Then I proceeded to cry & hiccup for a good long time. I regretted coming alone & not bringing Dan with me.
Oh, how I regretted not having the man I love more than anything on this planet with me. I wanted his arms around me so bad & it hurt so much sitting there alone.
Through blurry tears I stared at the snow covered cemetery & realized I wasn't alone.
The one who loves me more than I can comprehend, He was there.
I realized He was holding me.
I started to calm down some & began to think of my Isaac. I looked again at the snow, only a few minutes ago it was so oppressive. But now all I could see was Isaac laughing & squealing away as he played in it.
I wondered " what does the snow taste like in Heaven?"
My Isaac knows.
As my thoughts started to shift so many questions popped in my head.
What's Christmas like in Heaven?
Are they're gifts?
Do they sing carols?
Are they're Christmas trees?
Do they have stockings hung by the chimney?
Are they're chimneys????
All these questions gave me a new sense of anticipation, what will it be like? When I'm there? With my beautiful babies....
Well, I'm not real certain about the decorations & chimneys.
But I am certain of one thing, the gift of Jesus.
I believe with all my heart & soul that My Isaac & Hannah are celebrating Jesus.
I believe choirs of Angels are praising Jesus.
Because He is worthy to be praised.
I see my sweet ones smiling & raising they're wee hands to Him in worship.
Celebrating they're Savior.
So, with a refreshed spirit, I thank God, the lover of my soul for giving me a small window into the world that is Heaven....
Oh! And thanks for making snow angels with my Lil Angels!
Merry Christmas Isaac & Hannah, my little butterflies, Mama loves you....
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Still...
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. REVELATION 21:4
Today I worked on a basket for a mommy like me. A mommy who has a broken heart & empty arms.
For some reason today was difficult. Most times when I work on a basket I feel Gods hands on mine, creating a gentle healing for one who is grieving.
But as I said, it was difficult. There were normal kinks to work through, this is missing or that didn't come out "just so".
However, I prayed & God helped me get it all done. I felt really good knowing this Mommy would receive the basket in Gods perfect timing.
So what was my problem?
How come I still felt burdened?
At first I thought "oh well, it must be the basket, it must be stirring up some hurt" But in my heart I knew that wasn't right, the baskets always bring healing to my own wounds.
So what was it?
All day, there was this nagging at my soul & I couldn't pinpoint it. I know Christmas & all the holidays have their difficult moments. I'm working on the nursery & know that has been painful.
But this, this was like a dull pounding ache in my heart.
Then I remembered...Hannah.
Had my sweet Hannah lived she would be turning one in just a few short weeks.
I would be planning her big party, looking for a fluffy dress, & ordering a cake. Angie would probably be making some cookies & the girls would be eager to attempt blowing up balloons.
But...I don't get to do that. I get none of that.
And today my heart gently & quietly spoke her name...Hannah.
Days like today aren't as frequent as they had been. Days when I feel the crushing blow of knowing my babies are gone. But when they come, the pain is like a hurricane.
Suddenly, I'm thrown back in time & it hurts all over again.
I sit & cry & cry & long for her in my arms, I ask God to let me feel her again, to let me see her, if only for a moment.
I weep inside my soul where I didn't know tears were allowed.
In my heart & mind the question comes again, "WHY?"
I start to feel the sadness wash over me & wonder will it ever stop? I begin to feel I'm at the beginning of this road & that it is going to consume me once again. I start to wonder if I will really survive the pain & how am I going to do this?
Then God does as He always does, He runs swiftly to me, picks me up, carries me.
Like a good father, He is gentle. Allowing me to cry & hurt as He kisses my fore head & reminds me that all will be OK.
He reminds me that there will be a day of no more tears & all my pain will be washed away. That one day I will hold my children & they will tell me all about the wonderful things Jesus has shown them.
When I asked Him how am I to get through today? How am I to get through the hurts when they come back demanding my attention?
He turned my eyes to my Hannah again. In a moment I was looking down at her little headstone, where it reads
"BE STILL, & KNOW I'M GOD"
Today I worked on a basket for a mommy like me. A mommy who has a broken heart & empty arms.
For some reason today was difficult. Most times when I work on a basket I feel Gods hands on mine, creating a gentle healing for one who is grieving.
But as I said, it was difficult. There were normal kinks to work through, this is missing or that didn't come out "just so".
However, I prayed & God helped me get it all done. I felt really good knowing this Mommy would receive the basket in Gods perfect timing.
So what was my problem?
How come I still felt burdened?
At first I thought "oh well, it must be the basket, it must be stirring up some hurt" But in my heart I knew that wasn't right, the baskets always bring healing to my own wounds.
So what was it?
All day, there was this nagging at my soul & I couldn't pinpoint it. I know Christmas & all the holidays have their difficult moments. I'm working on the nursery & know that has been painful.
But this, this was like a dull pounding ache in my heart.
Then I remembered...Hannah.
Had my sweet Hannah lived she would be turning one in just a few short weeks.
I would be planning her big party, looking for a fluffy dress, & ordering a cake. Angie would probably be making some cookies & the girls would be eager to attempt blowing up balloons.
But...I don't get to do that. I get none of that.
And today my heart gently & quietly spoke her name...Hannah.
Days like today aren't as frequent as they had been. Days when I feel the crushing blow of knowing my babies are gone. But when they come, the pain is like a hurricane.
Suddenly, I'm thrown back in time & it hurts all over again.
I sit & cry & cry & long for her in my arms, I ask God to let me feel her again, to let me see her, if only for a moment.
I weep inside my soul where I didn't know tears were allowed.
In my heart & mind the question comes again, "WHY?"
I start to feel the sadness wash over me & wonder will it ever stop? I begin to feel I'm at the beginning of this road & that it is going to consume me once again. I start to wonder if I will really survive the pain & how am I going to do this?
Then God does as He always does, He runs swiftly to me, picks me up, carries me.
Like a good father, He is gentle. Allowing me to cry & hurt as He kisses my fore head & reminds me that all will be OK.
He reminds me that there will be a day of no more tears & all my pain will be washed away. That one day I will hold my children & they will tell me all about the wonderful things Jesus has shown them.
When I asked Him how am I to get through today? How am I to get through the hurts when they come back demanding my attention?
He turned my eyes to my Hannah again. In a moment I was looking down at her little headstone, where it reads
"BE STILL, & KNOW I'M GOD"
Monday, December 7, 2009
Anger & Compassion
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10
I have to be honest today, I'm not even somewhat joyful right now. No birds singing, no sun shining, no smiling faces. I'm angry....
I need to just go somewhere & scream, why is it that you can be living your day & all of a sudden...WHAM! The past just hits you so hard that for a moment you can't breathe???
I don't want to feel this way again, GOD!!! I don't want to feel this way!
But, here I am,
angry...questioning...wondering...
Let me back up so I make some kind of sense.
I'm 7 & 1/2 months pregnant now (smile) & so in love with this little girl, I can't wait to meet her. To hold her, smell her, kiss her, I want to study every inch of her & get to know everything about her, I want to LIVE with her.
So, with getting closer to the end of pregnancy comes the time to start getting prepared. Time to start thinking about clothes, diapers, bottles & getting the nursery ready.
Well, you see, I've done nothing...zip.
This is supposed to be an exciting time, but for me, it's ripping my heart out. I did get the nursery ready for Hannah & Isaac too. And both times, I had no one to place in that crib. Do you know how lonely a rocking chair is when you hold emptiness in your arms??
But, no matter how much the past screams at me, the future is swiftly becoming my present & my little girl will need a room when she comes home. So this past Saturday, Dan & I decided, this is it, we need to start on this room. The thing of it is, is has become a "catch all" for everything I didn't want to clean or put away. So for the past few days I've been going through papers, books, bags of clothes.
Every now & then I find something so sweet, like a little picture from Alana she drew that says "I love you Mommy, Love Alana"
That was real nice to find, or finding Dans cast from when he broke his leg when he was 7 months old. I can't believe he was ever so tiny!
But then there's the things I find that are better left lost.
Like a business card from the funeral director...
Paperwork from the hospital I delivered my sweet babies at...
Little tiny dresses that Hannah never had the chance to wear...
So here I am, angry.
Angry that I'm feeling this pain & loss again. Angry that my children had to die. Angry that I'm ANGRY!!!
I want to feel that peace again, the peace that makes no sense in the midst of the hurt & hot tears. The peace that doesn't have words, the peace that just...is
But I suppose God allows me to get angry from time to time right? I mean it's not as if He expects me to always be happy & for nothing to ever bother me. He's not that way, He's not a "jolly ole St. Nick God" who never feels pain & yes even anger. I think about when His son died. He was a father who was broken, pained, & angry.
So I believe He understands, I believe He's patient & can handle all my questions & wondering. I don't just 'believe' it, I know it, deep in the recesses of my heart. He has compassion for me because He is familiar with my suffering. I also believe that I need to talk to Him & be honest about my feelings or I could very well lose my mind to bitterness & lose my heart to callousness.
So this is me being honest...
today, I'm not OK..today I'm angry. But I will bring that anger to God, seeking His compassion, knowing that He loves me & will hold me & carry me through the pain.
I have to be honest today, I'm not even somewhat joyful right now. No birds singing, no sun shining, no smiling faces. I'm angry....
I need to just go somewhere & scream, why is it that you can be living your day & all of a sudden...WHAM! The past just hits you so hard that for a moment you can't breathe???
I don't want to feel this way again, GOD!!! I don't want to feel this way!
But, here I am,
angry...questioning...wondering...
Let me back up so I make some kind of sense.
I'm 7 & 1/2 months pregnant now (smile) & so in love with this little girl, I can't wait to meet her. To hold her, smell her, kiss her, I want to study every inch of her & get to know everything about her, I want to LIVE with her.
So, with getting closer to the end of pregnancy comes the time to start getting prepared. Time to start thinking about clothes, diapers, bottles & getting the nursery ready.
Well, you see, I've done nothing...zip.
This is supposed to be an exciting time, but for me, it's ripping my heart out. I did get the nursery ready for Hannah & Isaac too. And both times, I had no one to place in that crib. Do you know how lonely a rocking chair is when you hold emptiness in your arms??
But, no matter how much the past screams at me, the future is swiftly becoming my present & my little girl will need a room when she comes home. So this past Saturday, Dan & I decided, this is it, we need to start on this room. The thing of it is, is has become a "catch all" for everything I didn't want to clean or put away. So for the past few days I've been going through papers, books, bags of clothes.
Every now & then I find something so sweet, like a little picture from Alana she drew that says "I love you Mommy, Love Alana"
That was real nice to find, or finding Dans cast from when he broke his leg when he was 7 months old. I can't believe he was ever so tiny!
But then there's the things I find that are better left lost.
Like a business card from the funeral director...
Paperwork from the hospital I delivered my sweet babies at...
Little tiny dresses that Hannah never had the chance to wear...
So here I am, angry.
Angry that I'm feeling this pain & loss again. Angry that my children had to die. Angry that I'm ANGRY!!!
I want to feel that peace again, the peace that makes no sense in the midst of the hurt & hot tears. The peace that doesn't have words, the peace that just...is
But I suppose God allows me to get angry from time to time right? I mean it's not as if He expects me to always be happy & for nothing to ever bother me. He's not that way, He's not a "jolly ole St. Nick God" who never feels pain & yes even anger. I think about when His son died. He was a father who was broken, pained, & angry.
So I believe He understands, I believe He's patient & can handle all my questions & wondering. I don't just 'believe' it, I know it, deep in the recesses of my heart. He has compassion for me because He is familiar with my suffering. I also believe that I need to talk to Him & be honest about my feelings or I could very well lose my mind to bitterness & lose my heart to callousness.
So this is me being honest...
today, I'm not OK..today I'm angry. But I will bring that anger to God, seeking His compassion, knowing that He loves me & will hold me & carry me through the pain.
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