Today was a bit difficult for me. I went to the cemetery. See, I haven't been there for a while, truth is, it's been months. I dealt with a lot, I mean A LOT of guilt because I haven't gone. But honestly, I couldn't. I can't put it into words exactly but I suppose my heart just couldn't bear it. But today was the day, there was no getting around the "pull" on my heart strings & I knew if I ignored that urge I'd regret it.
So in this terrible Chicago winter weather, I put on my oh so snazzy snow boots, gloves, hat, & scarf. And waddled my way across the snow.
With every word in my vocabulary I can't convey how painful it was to walk up to where I normally sit on the green grass & sing & talk to my babies & find nothing but snow.
Cold, harsh, unwelcoming snow.
I had to get down & dig around to find they're little headstones, as I fought back icy tears & again...overwhelming guilt.
I kept thinking, "how could I have done this? How could I have waited so long?"
I left them little angels in wreaths that I made for them, gave them kisses, & trudged back to my warm van.
Then I proceeded to cry & hiccup for a good long time. I regretted coming alone & not bringing Dan with me.
Oh, how I regretted not having the man I love more than anything on this planet with me. I wanted his arms around me so bad & it hurt so much sitting there alone.
Through blurry tears I stared at the snow covered cemetery & realized I wasn't alone.
The one who loves me more than I can comprehend, He was there.
I realized He was holding me.
I started to calm down some & began to think of my Isaac. I looked again at the snow, only a few minutes ago it was so oppressive. But now all I could see was Isaac laughing & squealing away as he played in it.
I wondered " what does the snow taste like in Heaven?"
My Isaac knows.
As my thoughts started to shift so many questions popped in my head.
What's Christmas like in Heaven?
Are they're gifts?
Do they sing carols?
Are they're Christmas trees?
Do they have stockings hung by the chimney?
Are they're chimneys????
All these questions gave me a new sense of anticipation, what will it be like? When I'm there? With my beautiful babies....
Well, I'm not real certain about the decorations & chimneys.
But I am certain of one thing, the gift of Jesus.
I believe with all my heart & soul that My Isaac & Hannah are celebrating Jesus.
I believe choirs of Angels are praising Jesus.
Because He is worthy to be praised.
I see my sweet ones smiling & raising they're wee hands to Him in worship.
Celebrating they're Savior.
So, with a refreshed spirit, I thank God, the lover of my soul for giving me a small window into the world that is Heaven....
Oh! And thanks for making snow angels with my Lil Angels!
Merry Christmas Isaac & Hannah, my little butterflies, Mama loves you....
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