Still...

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. REVELATION 21:4


Today I worked on a basket for a mommy like me. A mommy who has a broken heart & empty arms.
For some reason today was difficult. Most times when I work on a basket I feel Gods hands on mine, creating a gentle healing for one who is grieving.
But as I said, it was difficult. There were normal kinks to work through, this is missing or that didn't come out "just so".
However, I prayed & God helped me get it all done. I felt really good knowing this Mommy would receive the basket in Gods perfect timing.
So what was my problem?
How come I still felt burdened?
At first I thought "oh well, it must be the basket, it must be stirring up some hurt" But in my heart I knew that wasn't right, the baskets always bring healing to my own wounds.
So what was it?
All day, there was this nagging at my soul & I couldn't pinpoint it. I know Christmas & all the holidays have their difficult moments. I'm working on the nursery & know that has been painful.
But this, this was like a dull pounding ache in my heart.
Then I remembered...Hannah.
Had my sweet Hannah lived she would be turning one in just a few short weeks.
I would be planning her big party, looking for a fluffy dress, & ordering a cake. Angie would probably be making some cookies & the girls would be eager to attempt blowing up balloons.

But...I don't get to do that. I get none of that.
And today my heart gently & quietly spoke her name...Hannah.

Days like today aren't as frequent as they had been. Days when I feel the crushing blow of knowing my babies are gone. But when they come, the pain is like a hurricane.
Suddenly, I'm thrown back in time & it hurts all over again.
I sit & cry & cry & long for her in my arms, I ask God to let me feel her again, to let me see her, if only for a moment.
I weep inside my soul where I didn't know tears were allowed.

In my heart & mind the question comes again, "WHY?"
I start to feel the sadness wash over me & wonder will it ever stop? I begin to feel I'm at the beginning of this road & that it is going to consume me once again. I start to wonder if I will really survive the pain & how am I going to do this?

Then God does as He always does, He runs swiftly to me, picks me up, carries me.
Like a good father, He is gentle. Allowing me to cry & hurt as He kisses my fore head & reminds me that all will be OK.
He reminds me that there will be a day of no more tears & all my pain will be washed away. That one day I will hold my children & they will tell me all about the wonderful things Jesus has shown them.

When I asked Him how am I to get through today? How am I to get through the hurts when they come back demanding my attention?
He turned my eyes to my Hannah again. In a moment I was looking down at her little headstone, where it reads

"BE STILL, & KNOW I'M GOD"