30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 17

Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.


I have been blessed with a beautiful friend by the name of Toni who painted a wonderful piece of work I'd like to share with you. Saying I'm "moved" by this piece of art is an understatement. I've posted about Toni & her art before, you can read about it here.

Again...thank you Toni.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 11 **possible triggers**

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

As promised...My Rainbow Baby~Hope Joanna.
This picture makes me feel so much joy, such happiness. I praise my Abba Father for giving me this good & perfect gift (James 1:17)
There was a time when Dan & I officially "gave up"
We believed the Lord had closed my womb & I was no longer going to have any more children. I remember saying "OK God, I'm throwing my hands up & accepting that it's not your will"
A few days later I found out I was carrying Hope.
This picture encourages me & reminds me of God & His goodness so much. My spirit is swirling with emotions right now.
There is so much going on in this photo. Looking behind me I can see the cemetery lawn. That is a large piece of my heart because it's where I go to visit & spend private time with Isaac & Hannah & God.
Then there is the look shared between Hope & I, it reveals so much of my happiness.
For me the photo is a mesh of the bittersweet hurt of the past & the love that will forever linger there, as well as the hope of the future (Jeremiah 29:11)
I recently went to the Greg Laurie Harvest Crusade here in Chicago. Dan & I attended on the "Night of Hope"
The night was specifically geared towards those who have lost & Steven Curtis Chapman was there to perform. He also shared how he & his family have survived the tragic loss of their beautiful young daughter, Maria.
He spoke about his song Beauty Will Rise & the lyrics, "Out of these ashes... beauty will rise and we will dance among the ruins"
He opened my eyes to "RUINS"
He shared how tragic circumstances leave "ruins"
Take 9/11 for example. Terrible ruins everywhere~devastation. However, we choose not to live there, we rebuild, we restore. Beauty rises out of the ashes~& even the "new buildings" are a reminder of what we've survived. They are a reminder of healing.
That's what Hope is for me, she is her own person with her own identity. However, she is God's tangible reminder to me that He does not disappoint, that He restores, that He has a plan & a future.

I must share this picture as well,

This is me singing to my Hopie Girl. I could write a book about how special this time with her is to me. We sing together often & this is one of our songs~I hope it conveys my heart towards God.....

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 9

Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.

These are my animals. My Cow, Bear & Monkey....the wee-est animal isn't in this pic. I blog about them over here.
I love my girls. They are amazing. They are my heart & bring laughter to my soul. I thank God that He believes I'm capable to train these treasures for His Kingdom.
I wish this pic had my Hopie Girl but it's OK, I'll post a pic of my Rainbow Baby soon =)

Memories of 9/11

9/11 was the most horrific event I'd ever witnessed. I remember when I heard, where I was, how I felt. It was truly terrifying. I had just walked my daughter to the bus stop & my mother called & told me to switch the TV on, she kept repeating "we're being attacked, we're being attacked"
I turned on the television in time to see the second plane crash into the tower. I ran & woke Dan saying the same words my mother had just told me "we're being attacked"
The entire day was surreal, a mixture of anger, fear, & sadness. I just couldn't believe what was happening, how could this happen? On American soil?
Why did this happen?
We all remember that, it was tragic. It is a shared wound of the American people.
Two years ago today, I sat at this computer. I felt so burdened & hurt for the families that had lost loved ones. I wanted to somehow be an encouragement & remind others to be an encouragement as well. I looked for some way to share my heart & decided to post a video on Facebook.
I can't tell you exactly why years after the attacks I felt so freshly wounded but I believe it was because I'd recently buried my son. The pain of losing him in the womb was so unbearable I couldn't imagine the anguish 9/11 parents felt.
I then got off the computer & went about my day, I moved on, I continued to live.

The next day I was told my daughter was dead.

My world as I knew it came crashing down around me. How could this be? Why was this happening? To me??
Again???
I remember as I lay there, I decided she wasn't dead. The Dr was simply wrong, the machine was broken. I sat up, looked at Dan & said "no, she's not dead, there's something wrong with that thing" pointing at the ultrasound screen. "That thing is old & it's wrong"
He gently tried to comfort me & tell me she was in fact gone. I replied "no, she's sick, there's something wrong with her heart, but she is NOT DEAD"
Again, this amazing man, held me & gently told me she was gone.
As he continued to softly repeat the truth to me I felt as though my heart was coming to a standstill itself, I felt I was dying. Honestly, part of me did die that day. There is a piece of my heart that is gone & it will not be whole until I see Hannah's face again.
I know that what I endured is not the same as those that lived through the attacks of 9/11.
However, I do feel a sense of understanding.
I now know the shock of hearing dreaded words that crush the heart. I know the bittersweet feelings of seeing my child's name etched on a stone marker. I know the pain of saying "goodbye"

My heart aches today, it aches for all the families that are remembering smiles they no longer see, laughter they no longer hear, & hands they no longer hold.
My heart aches for all the mothers I've come to know through my losses. My heart aches for all the smiles we never saw, the laughter we never heard, & the little hands we long to hold again.
What I will hold onto as I walk through this day & the days ahead is the promise of my Sovereign Holy God...

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Revelation 21:4 (KJV)

New Obstacles

My daughter Hope is 6 months old now. I'm so thankful for her, I can't believe a half a year has gone by. Has it really been that long since I first saw her sweet face? I waited what felt like forever to meet her. I honestly had so many ideas of what my life would be like now. I really thought as I neared the end of my pregnancy that I would feel better because it meant we were closer to the finish line. But, it was more than difficult. The closer I got to actually meeting her the more fear I felt that the rug would get yanked out from under me.
But Praise God, that didn't happen. He blessed me with my sweet princess & I have the joy of getting to know this precious person.
There are new obstacles though. Things that take you by surprise. Like the first time I put her in the nursery at church I was truly stressed. I knew she was in good safe hands but the whole service I was counting the minutes til I could hold her again. Or how I check, recheck, & then check again to make sure she is secure in her car seat.
And then we have tonight.
Hope's first night sleeping in the nursery...away from me.

I would be lying to say that this isn't more than difficult. This is terrible for me. Honestly, I'm typing so I don't go in there & pick her up!!
The truth is my normal logical brain KNOWS she is more than safe. But my heart is screaming "go pick up your baby"
Now, I'm not a mom who normally runs in the room at the slightest peep. Actually, I've been known to be the opposite. I've been the friend on the other end of the line supporting a mama who has resolved to train her baby to sleep through the night. Because of that I knew Hopes still being in the room with me was dysfunctional. For me. Personally.
And please to set the record straight, I have nothing against Mama's who sleep with their babies for a loooonnng time. Whatever, works for your family works, it's just that I act like a lunatic without good sleep. So to have Hopie with me for this length of time clued me in that something was wrong in my heart.
I talked to a good friend who has walked this road & she spoke some good sense to me. Let me put it to you in a nutshell. Basically she said I had to learn to let go, I NEEDED to overcome this obstacle because there will be many more in the future. There are going to be so many "firsts" to be afraid of.

First time sleepovers.
First time swimming.
First time driving...

Do you know I've already started to dread the first time I give Hope peanut butter out of fear she could have a severe allergic reaction?? Wow, that's not good ya know.

I have to accept the truth, God took my Isaac & Hannah & unfortunately I will NEVER know this side of Heaven why they died. I had no control over the outcome of their lives. There days were numbered & although they were few, they did live.
And I loved them every moment.
Now my Hope is here, & she is very much alive, I'm smiling a big happy grin right now.
So I resolve not to live in perpetual fear of death. Instead I will choose to trust that God has blessed me with this sweet girl to teach me how to trust Him more everyday.

Dangers of Yesterday

I woke up to a brighter morning today. That's the good thing about God. I'm not asked to live in the past.
However, sometimes I choose to. Sometimes I'm very comfortable in the world of yesterday, I look at it through rose colored glasses. After all...that's where Isaac & Hannah were safe. In mama's tummy. Alive. That's when my daughters didn't know the sting of death, & that's when Dan & I spent nights full of laughter talking to our babies.
But the dangerous thing about that is there is little hope. You know how this is going to end. You've read the last few sentences of that chapter & slam the book shut. Throw it across the room in frustration screaming "why??"
Well, I thank God that He is continually writing my story. That although it felt like life stopped for a while & it kinda did...that He carried me through to the next chapter.

Which is full of Hope.
Hope for a future.
Hope for joy.
Hope for laughter.
Hope...

Thankfulness...

After losing my Isaac & Hannah, I found it very very difficult to be thankful, for much of anything. It would just drive me bonkers when people would say "well, just be thankful for the ones you've got"
OOooOOHHHhhh!!!
That got under my skin something fierce!
I know each & every time someone said that to me it was simply because they didn't understand, they didn't understand that it hurt to hear those words.
Why?
Because, I was thankful. Probably more thankful than I'd ever been that my other 3 girls were alive & healthy. Thankful that only 18 months earlier God allowed my sweet Nomi girl to be born this side of Heaven. That in His grace I have these children with me here.
But, it was still so very hard to be thankful because He had taken Isaac & Hannah. And I wanted them here with me. I wanted more time with them, I wanted to get to know them. And I was NOT THANKFUL that they were gone & that the other 3 were here.
Now, it's not that I DIDN'T want my healthy princesses.
It just felt like a comparison. Like I wasn't being allowed to grieve & had to hurry up & find something to be happy about.
Does that make any sense or am I rambling???

Well, I didn't "hurry up & get happy"....far from it.
In fact, I'm still struggling with being joyful in all circumstances. So, I'm going to do what God calls me to do which is "choose joy"
Now, that's a whole lot different than "being happy"
Being happy is a feeling. That feeling dictates your thoughts, reactions, & choices.
Kinda like..."oh, I'm happy, having a good day, things are pretty much goin my way & that makes me happy & I'm gonna act happy now"
But joy, that's a choice.
Specifically, the Joy of the Lord.
See, when your having a bad day, I mean absolutely nothing is going your way. The Earth is literally crumbling beneath your feet & everything inside you is screaming to lay down & die...that's when you CHOOSE JOY.

Because the Joy of the Lord is your Strength. When your not choosing His joy, your not choosing His strength. Your choosing, in fact, to be weakened.
Really, telling myself this one. Because it's kinda like helloooo?? Tina?? Are you hearing yourself? Ya need, I mean really NEED to be joyful. How do you plan on gettin joyful??
Hmmmmm? Hmmmm?? Stop talkin the talk if you ain't willin to walk the walk.
OK, enough hollering at myself.
Yea, me myself & I have many conversations & we often go off on a tangent.
Sorry.
Well, after going through these trials. I've found a few different ways to "choose joy"
One is I say out loud "I'm choosing joy"...which works because it's kinda like sayin to satan "In your face!" and since I can be feisty at times, I like that one.
Another is to get on my knees & look to the Lord to deposit in my spirit Joy that doesn't relate to my circumstances. Joy that can only come from Him. Because whatever is happening in my life wouldn't get a joyful response.

Another way I find Joy in Him, is to thank Him.

I can just close my eyes & thank Him.
Thank Him for Angie's sweet smile, the way her nose crunches up & she just laughs her heart out. The way she is growing into a young woman who loves God & is beginning to trust Him with her heart. Thank Him for the way Lana loves her sisters. And I mean loves, with a free abandon. She just doesn't care, when she's lovin on her Nomi, she is gonna love her like there's no tomorrow. And speaking of Nomi girl, I can't help but thank Him for this little girl who is so full of life. She is the silliest & cutest little creature you'd ever lay your eyes on. She just wants to make you laugh & she always does. She is a bringer of joy. And then there my Hope...oh God....thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for the toothless grins....
Thank you for the sleepless nights...
Thank you for the soft skin...
Thank you for the coos & goos....
Thank you for the restoration...
Thank you for life....

So, you see....thankfulness....it's a choice. Just like joy is a choice.
And my God, He is good in all circumstances.
And I choose to be joyful, to thank Him, to forever praise Him.

Healing Hands

My beautiful & wonderful friend Toni Ruppert created this beautiful work of art. I really don't think my picture does the painting justice. The painting is titled "Healing Hands"
She created it the night I was laboring with Hope.
Toni had received a prayer request for our family & little Hope, word went out there were complications with her delivery.
As Toni prayed, she painted.
As Toni painted, God healed.

This painting & all it conveys, has brought great healing to my heart.
This is some of what Toni herself had to say about her work...

"Every component of "Healing Hands" -the color, the imagery was chosen to celebrate the lives of Tina's unborn children. The hands are raised up as we surrender these two precious souls back to God - their Creator. I chose hands uplifted because they symbolized surrender and healing. The hands are raised up as we surrender - when no words will do. As I waited to hear news of my friend, I had no words, only watercolor, acrylic, ink and pastel media to communicate to God with."

It was a blessing & honor when Toni shared with me that this piece had been chosen for the "Dreams of Healing" 2010 Art Exhibit at Swedish Covenant Hospital.
On Friday May 14Th, Dan & I, as well as Hope & my mother attended opening night for the exhibit.
I walked into find that a book of all the artwork was available for purchase. I found that Toni's beautiful piece was on page 79 (in case you were wondering=D)

As I looked at the photo, I was a bit overwhelmed. There I was...holding precious sweet Hope in my arms & in my hands I held a book honoring my babies in Heaven. Honestly, my soul was hurting some, then I read the caption under the photo of the painting & my heart soared....

Toni dedicated "Healing Hands" to Isaac, Hannah, & unborn babies around the world.

And now, here I am...speechless, no words will do...
Except, Thank you Toni....Thank you God...........

Beautiful Hope

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE & a future... Jeremiah 29:11


I want to share our story of Hope. I want to take you on this journey with me so you can share with us the awesomeness of God & this blessing of Hope.
I also want to remember every moment, every second. I want to savor them all.

February 9th, the day God restored our joy, the day He gave us Hope.

I was admitted to Rush Hospital on Monday February 8th & was induced late that night.
Honestly, I wasn't feelin what I'd expected I would. I had all these images in my mind. I really felt this delivery & it's process would be very mellow. With lots of joyful smiles & happy tears throughout.
Well, that wasn't happening. I was so tense & snippy. And I can't blame it on the pain. I was just being a big crab.
Thankfully I'm married to an awesome man who didn't take it personal!!

So what was my problem? I mean here we were at the end of the finish line. I shoulda been elated.
But the truth is, I was terrified.
I kept remembering my Isaac & Hannah.
My heart was breaking all over again.
Finally, I broke down & shared my heart with Dan. I just cried & cried. I missed Isaac & Hannah so much & being in that bed & waiting for our new baby reminded me of the last time I held my lil ones.
Isaac's sweet tiny little feet, his perfect little ears.
Hannah's beautiful little pout & her precious baby smell.
It was just getting to be more than I felt I could handle. But of course my God doesn't ever leave me. He never just lets me sit there in pain & anguish. He always comes to my rescue.

He reminded me of the above scripture, of Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you Hope & a future....

Do you know when Isaac died that was the scripture God spoke to Dan & I?

That scripture helped us survive our sons death. We clung to it as a child clings to his mother.
It kept us alive.
There were many times that the pain was so overwhelming & God always ran swiftly to us & carried us.
I remember when Dan & I went to church one Sunday & decided to go to the alter to pray. We were both so completely broken...shattered. This was shortly after Hannah died.
We were weeping & our pastor came & prayed with us. The pain was so unbearable & we truly didn't know if God was going to allow more children into our family.
As we were praying the worship team was singing this song, Freedom Reigns.
The lyrics rang out & penetrated our hearts...

Where the spirit of the Lord is
There is freedom,
If you're tired and you are thirsty
There is freedom.

Jesus reigns in this place
Showers of mercy and grace
Falling on ev'ry face
There is freedom

That day, Dan & I released so much of our pain, we lifted our eyes to heaven & our redeemer. We found freedom.

Now, we have Hope in more ways then one. We have the restoration that God promises & we have our daughter.

So let me get back to her, after I calmed down, prayed, & was able to focus, things did go much smoother. Dan & I joked & laughed. We even played cards. Nothing like a few games of old maid & go fish to get the party started!!
However my sweet babe was doing what all my girls do...refusing to come out of that nice & comfy cocoon!!
So as usual the doc had to get things rolling along.

And after one & half hours it was time to meet our little girl.
And yup, I started gettin nervous.
I mean you would think after delivering so many babies this would be quite simple but the truth is I felt like a new mama all over again. The nurse told me "well you've done this before so I'm sure you know how to push"
It was then that I let her know that all my babies have needed absolutely no assistance from Mommy & that I had no clue how to push!

This is where the seasoned nurse promptly allowed her jaw to drop & her eyes to bug out of her head. So, uh-huh, now I get more nervous as I begin to think my baby is going to get stuck because I, her wonderful mama, have no clue how to get her outta there!!!

Well, thankfully according to nurses & docs I'm pretty good at this pushing thing & baby is moving along.
However, after only one push I'm told to stop so we can wait for the attending physician.
Yeah, right.
I mean here there is a person trying to make their way into the world & I'm told to press the pause button.
So I start thinkin is this where I'm sposed to breathe?? Cuz I skipped the class.
So I look to Dan like a dear caught in the headlights, I mean I'm thinking if we don't let this little girl come out she's gonna pop right out my belly button. Just like Nomi said!!

But then I see Dan, I mean really see him. Past the fear & the nervousness.

And he's crying.
He's smiling...

He says to me "listen baby, do you hear what song is playing?"
It was the same song that was playing that day at church, freedom....

Suddenly, everything slowed down. I could feel Him...Jesus, HE was there. He was in the room, holding my hand, & the freedom of His mercy & grace filled my lungs.

Everything from that point was perfect. Our daughter was born & she came easily without any complications. She cried out & it was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. They placed her on my chest & I couldn't kiss her enough. Dan & I wept tears of joy & praised God for her.
She even knew her Daddy. When they finally took her from me to clean her up some, she began to cry quite a bit. So her Daddy went over to her & started talking & singing just as he did when she was still in my tummy. She immediatly calmed down. It was the sweetest thing.
After a time the nurses took us to a private room where we stared at & just loved on this little girl. Dan stayed all day with us & we fussed over who got to hold her more.
We're still doing that =)

I really could go on & on about how wonderful & perfect she is. But I won't do that, just take a look at her picture & you'll see for yourself.

She is beautiful & amazing...our miracle.

At 11:56 am on February 9th, 2010 God gave us Hope...He gave us a future...