All that I can Say...

Lord I'm tired...so tired from walkin
& Lord, I'm so alone
The dark is creeping in....
Creepin up to swallow me
I think I'll stop & rest here a while.

These words, they're from a song. They really convey where my heart is. I have to stop.
I need rest.
This morning my stepmother called to let me know my cousin had just had her daughter. She was stillborn.
I've been busy the past few hours. I called my cousin, we talked a few minutes.
Then I called the funeral director who helped us with Isaac & Hannah. Then I got on the phone with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, professional photographers who offer a free service for occasions such as these. I spoke to a friend to help me figure out the best way to approach my cousin.
Well, now...there's nothing for me to do.
My cousin is doing everything I'd planned on advising her to do. It's just that when your in the middle of the mess you don't think of everything so I was desperate to get to her & help her. But surprisingly she HAS thought of quite a bit.
So now here I am....thinking...feeling. And ya know what? I don't want to....
But OK I will, cuz if I don't I'm gonna scream.
I'm gonna break something & just scream!
I'll tell you what, this is just plain ole hard. I mean it's just not fair. My cousin has no other children, this is her first & she doesn't get to keep her. She has to say goodbye. Not fair.
Recently a woman asked me how did I stay so faithful to God? How come I didn't get angry with Him?
Can I let you in on a secret? I did get angry then & honestly I'm kinda angry now.
Not knock down drag out angry like before but I feel I could get a little ugly right now.
And I'm frustrated too.
Frustration that I can do nothing to stop the hurt. The knowledge that my cousin has to walk through this as I did & that there is no way around it.
Frustration that this is the ministry God has called me to & it's so very heavy. So filled with hurt & sometimes I just don't think I have the strength to do it.
Sometimes, I just wanna crawl under my bed & ignore the tears. Ignore the pain.

But, I can't....God didn't design me that way.
Instead He designed me with a heart in tune with anothers pain. When He brought this ministry to me, He laid it so heavy on my heart that I can not ignore it. So I will be there for my cousin in every way she will allow me. I will hurt with her, I will cry with her, listen to her, or just be quiet...........with her.
And through it, I will remember.
I will remember Isaac's ears...Hannah's hands,
Isaac's little feet & Hannah's sweet baby smell.

So, I'm just gonna stop....I'm gonna stop & rest with Jesus a while.
I'm gonna let him refresh me...I'm tired.
I'm gonna let Him fill me up because I feel so very empty right now. I'm gonna let Him hold me because I'm certain the tears will be here soon.
And above all...I'm gonna trust Him because He's all that I need.