A Date With Crying

I am so overwhelmed with hurt today. My heart feels crushed & my soul feels weakened. I have a lot of "stuff" goin on & I suppose that makes me extra sensitive. But over all I'm feelin I'm gonna need a serious cry fest soon.
Do you know what I mean?
This may sound gross but it's all I can think of to compare...vomit.
Yep.
Ya know how when something you've eaten doesn't agree with you & as much as you hate it you just know you're gonna hafta...well
...remove the contents of your stomach.
That's how I'm feeling.
Except, it's soul vomit, (my friend came up with that literary gem)
I have all these feelings swirling around inside me & I'm starting to feel, well...sick!!
Sick with hurt, sick with pain, sick with anguish!!
It's been over 2 years since Isaac went to Heaven & almost 2 since we said goodbye to sweet Hannah Girl.
And yet, here I am.
Hurting.
I know it gets better, I know it doesn't always feel so raw. Really, I do.
But today it's really really raw.
And what's bugging me is I can't pinpoint what set me off. Usually there is some event or I see a soon to be mama & her swelling belly & I'm thrown back in time. But today I can find nothing to tell me why I'm feeling so sad.
Now, I don't want you to think I'm some perfectly pulled together woman with my feelings in check all the time. Me with my neat little ducks, all lined up in there emotionally recovered rows. And now all of a sudden I'm hurting a bit.
That's just not true.

I think of Isaac & Hannah............EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And probably will for the rest of my life. At least I hope to.
But back to the crying.
I know deep down to the tips of my toes that it's coming. And just like in my little gross analogy...I can't stop it. It's going to come outta me & it can be totally out of control & a mess or I can make a date with it I suppose.
Is that weird? To make a date with crying? To "control" it?
Well, I suppose it's both weird & good.
Hey! It's weird good.
That pretty much encompasses my character =)
Again, back to crying.
I think it's good, for me to schedule my overboard, hysterical, moaning, anguish filled weeping.
Good, because when I let it out, it really is a torrential storm & nothing but God can calm it.
Weird to you?
Because well, maybe you've never been where I'm at today.
But, that's OK. Because I get the feeling you can relate.
So, anyway I'm gonna head to my Ipod. I'm gonna set up my "make me cry" playlist (yea, I actually made one for this very reason) I'm gonna get my bible out & read through the Psalms with my Jesus.
And I'm gonna cry.