Dreading Tomorrow

Today isn't Tuesday...it's actually Sunday. September 14th, 2008 to be exact.
I don't want it to be but it is & I can't help it. My heart has gone backwards, my emotions hit the rewind button & I hate it.
I remember this particular Sunday because I was in such dread of the following day, the day I was to be admitted to Lincoln Memorial Hospital. I was in such shock, I felt so numb, sick & exhausted.
We went to church that day, I tried to hold my head up, I tried to function but I felt like I was in some strange movie & all this couldn't really be happening. There was also all sorts of confusion as to whether Dan & I wanted anyone to talk to us about our baby. So no one really knew what they ought to do when they saw us, it was disturbing.
And lonely...
The rest of the day was slow moving. Do you know what I mean??
Every minute felt like an hour, it was such torture. To wonder what the next day was going to hold & to also have the knowledge that the next day my heart was going to be crushed further. I hated knowing I had to endure all this again. I hated that even the terrible experience to come wasn't a new one. It all felt so unfair, Isaac was only gone for a short time & here I was again. Living the same terrible nightmare.
That Sunday, & the following days...brought pain I can't fully describe in words, pain no mother should experience.
Today, my heart is wounded & full of pain again. And I'm not gonna fake it & smile & be strong or pretend I'm not hurting.
I'm going to miss my Daughter, My Hannah.
I'm going to weep & cry out to God for the comfort only He can give.
I will not mourn as those without hope.
But, I will mourn.