Thursday, February 18, 2010

Beautiful Hope

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE & a future... Jeremiah 29:11

I want to share our story of Hope. I want to take you on this journey with me so you can share with us the awesomeness of God & this blessing of Hope.
I also want to remember every moment, every second. I want to savor them all.

February 9th, the day God restored our joy, the day He gave us Hope.

I was admitted to Rush Hospital on Monday February 8th & was induced late that night.
Honestly, I wasn't feelin what I'd expected I would. I had all these images in my mind. I really felt this delivery & it's process would be very mellow. With lots of joyful smiles & happy tears throughout.
Well, that wasn't happening. I was so tense & snippy. And I can't blame it on the pain. I was just being a big crab.
Thankfully I'm married to an awesome man who didn't take it personal!!

So what was my problem? I mean here we were at the end of the finish line. I shoulda been elated.
But the truth is, I was terrified.
I kept remembering my Isaac & Hannah.
My heart was breaking all over again.
Finally, I broke down & shared my heart with Dan. I just cried & cried. I missed Isaac & Hannah so much & being in that bed & waiting for our new baby reminded me of the last time I held my lil ones.
Isaac's sweet tiny little feet, his perfect little ears.
Hannah's beautiful little pout & her precious baby smell.
It was just getting to be more than I felt I could handle. But of course my God doesn't ever leave me. He never just lets me sit there in pain & anguish. He always comes to my rescue.

He reminded me of the above scripture, of Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you Hope & a future....

Do you know when Isaac died that was the scripture God spoke to Dan & I?

That scripture helped us survive our sons death. We clung to it as a child clings to his mother.
It kept us alive.
There were many times that the pain was so overwhelming & God always ran swiftly to us & carried us.
I remember when Dan & I went to church one Sunday & decided to go to the alter to pray. We were both so completely broken...shattered. This was shortly after Hannah died.
We were weeping & our pastor came & prayed with us. The pain was so unbearable & we truly didn't know if God was going to allow more children into our family.
As we were praying the worship team was singing this song, Freedom Reigns.
The lyrics rang out & penetrated our hearts...

Where the spirit of the Lord is
There is freedom,
If you're tired and you are thirsty
There is freedom.

Jesus reigns in this place
Showers of mercy and grace
Falling on ev'ry face
There is freedom

That day, Dan & I released so much of our pain, we lifted our eyes to heaven & our redeemer. We found freedom.

Now, we have Hope in more ways then one. We have the restoration that God promises & we have our daughter.

So let me get back to her, after I calmed down, prayed, & was able to focus, things did go much smoother. Dan & I joked & laughed. We even played cards. Nothing like a few games of old maid & go fish to get the party started!!
However my sweet babe was doing what all my girls do...refusing to come out of that nice & comfy cocoon!!
So as usual the doc had to get things rolling along.

And after one & half hours it was time to meet our little girl.
And yup, I started gettin nervous.
I mean you would think after delivering so many babies this would be quite simple but the truth is I felt like a new mama all over again. The nurse told me "well you've done this before so I'm sure you know how to push"
It was then that I let her know that all my babies have needed absolutely no assistance from Mommy & that I had no clue how to push!

This is where the seasoned nurse promptly allowed her jaw to drop & her eyes to bug out of her head. So, uh-huh, now I get more nervous as I begin to think my baby is going to get stuck because I, her wonderful mama, have no clue how to get her outta there!!!

Well, thankfully according to nurses & docs I'm pretty good at this pushing thing & baby is moving along.
However, after only one push I'm told to stop so we can wait for the attending physician.
Yeah, right.
I mean here there is a person trying to make their way into the world & I'm told to press the pause button.
So I start thinkin is this where I'm sposed to breathe?? Cuz I skipped the class.
So I look to Dan like a dear caught in the headlights, I mean I'm thinking if we don't let this little girl come out she's gonna pop right out my belly button. Just like Nomi said!!

But then I see Dan, I mean really see him. Past the fear & the nervousness.

And he's crying.
He's smiling...

He says to me "listen baby, do you hear what song is playing?"
It was the same song that was playing that day at church, freedom....

Suddenly, everything slowed down. I could feel Him...Jesus, HE was there. He was in the room, holding my hand, & the freedom of His mercy & grace filled my lungs.

Everything from that point was perfect. Our daughter was born & she came easily without any complications. She cried out & it was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. They placed her on my chest & I couldn't kiss her enough. Dan & I wept tears of joy & praised God for her.
She even knew her Daddy. When they finally took her from me to clean her up some, she began to cry quite a bit. So her Daddy went over to her & started talking & singing just as he did when she was still in my tummy. She immediatly calmed down. It was the sweetest thing.
After a time the nurses took us to a private room where we stared at & just loved on this little girl. Dan stayed all day with us & we fussed over who got to hold her more.
We're still doing that =)

I really could go on & on about how wonderful & perfect she is. But I won't do that, just take a look at her picture & you'll see for yourself.

She is beautiful & amazing...our miracle.

At 11:56 am on February 9th, 2010 God gave us Hope...He gave us a future...

Monday, February 1, 2010

7 days

Boy, is it late. Can't sleep. I'm only 7 days away from meeting my sweet girl.
I wish I could say I'm up late because I'm so excited, but the truth is I'm up late because my mind is racing. Today, I went in for what is called a bio-physical ultrasound. The tech checks on a few things to make sure baby is doing well, heartbeat, breathing, movement, fluid. All this gets done within a 30 minute time slot. If my lil one does well, then she passes her "test" & we go on our merry way. Well, proud momma moment here, my little girl always passes with flying colors in less than 5 minutes!
What can I say? I'm a homeschooling mama, I'm serious about mu kiddos doin well on there exams =)
But today, she almost failed. We came to what I felt was too close to that 30 minute mark. Although her heart was beating just fine, she wouldn't move, in fact it took 20 minutes to get her to wake up. The whole time I lay there acting as though I was just fine when inside I was screaming. I kept thinking "is she dying? Why isn't she moving? what's wrong?"
My friend was with me & I thank God for her rub on the arm & her gentle calmness. It's just good to have someone keeping you anchored when you feel your about to drown.
We realized the pain meds I'm taking caused my lil one to be "sedated"
Even though I have a legitimate reason as to why she was so still & she is bouncing away as I type, it's so difficult to get that image out of my mind.
Her laying there.
It threw me back in time to seeing my Isaac & Hannah sleeping on that ultrasound screen.
It's not a good place to go in my mind, especially now.
I feel the need to get down they're memory box & REMEMBER.
I'm not sure if that's what I need to be doing right now though.
Of course, what I do know is I need to be praying & let me tell you today has been full of some hysterical praying.
Ya know the kind of prayers where only God Himself can understand your groaning.
That's the only place I find peace, in His arms.

I'm scared, nervous, unsure, & maybe just a little bit crazy.
But, God is steadfast, certain, consistent, & my protector.
I'm going to meet my little girl in 7 days.
I'm going to believe God for that.
I'm going to be strong & take heart, because my HOPE is in the Lord.