Today was a bit difficult for me. I went to the cemetery. See, I haven't been there for a while, truth is, it's been months. I dealt with a lot, I mean A LOT of guilt because I haven't gone. But honestly, I couldn't. I can't put it into words exactly but I suppose my heart just couldn't bear it. But today was the day, there was no getting around the "pull" on my heart strings & I knew if I ignored that urge I'd regret it.
So in this terrible Chicago winter weather, I put on my oh so snazzy snow boots, gloves, hat, & scarf. And waddled my way across the snow.
With every word in my vocabulary I can't convey how painful it was to walk up to where I normally sit on the green grass & sing & talk to my babies & find nothing but snow.
Cold, harsh, unwelcoming snow.
I had to get down & dig around to find they're little headstones, as I fought back icy tears & again...overwhelming guilt.
I kept thinking, "how could I have done this? How could I have waited so long?"
I left them little angels in wreaths that I made for them, gave them kisses, & trudged back to my warm van.
Then I proceeded to cry & hiccup for a good long time. I regretted coming alone & not bringing Dan with me.
Oh, how I regretted not having the man I love more than anything on this planet with me. I wanted his arms around me so bad & it hurt so much sitting there alone.
Through blurry tears I stared at the snow covered cemetery & realized I wasn't alone.
The one who loves me more than I can comprehend, He was there.
I realized He was holding me.
I started to calm down some & began to think of my Isaac. I looked again at the snow, only a few minutes ago it was so oppressive. But now all I could see was Isaac laughing & squealing away as he played in it.
I wondered " what does the snow taste like in Heaven?"
My Isaac knows.
As my thoughts started to shift so many questions popped in my head.
What's Christmas like in Heaven?
Are they're gifts?
Do they sing carols?
Are they're Christmas trees?
Do they have stockings hung by the chimney?
Are they're chimneys????
All these questions gave me a new sense of anticipation, what will it be like? When I'm there? With my beautiful babies....
Well, I'm not real certain about the decorations & chimneys.
But I am certain of one thing, the gift of Jesus.
I believe with all my heart & soul that My Isaac & Hannah are celebrating Jesus.
I believe choirs of Angels are praising Jesus.
Because He is worthy to be praised.
I see my sweet ones smiling & raising they're wee hands to Him in worship.
Celebrating they're Savior.
So, with a refreshed spirit, I thank God, the lover of my soul for giving me a small window into the world that is Heaven....
Oh! And thanks for making snow angels with my Lil Angels!
Merry Christmas Isaac & Hannah, my little butterflies, Mama loves you....
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Still...
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. REVELATION 21:4
Today I worked on a basket for a mommy like me. A mommy who has a broken heart & empty arms.
For some reason today was difficult. Most times when I work on a basket I feel Gods hands on mine, creating a gentle healing for one who is grieving.
But as I said, it was difficult. There were normal kinks to work through, this is missing or that didn't come out "just so".
However, I prayed & God helped me get it all done. I felt really good knowing this Mommy would receive the basket in Gods perfect timing.
So what was my problem?
How come I still felt burdened?
At first I thought "oh well, it must be the basket, it must be stirring up some hurt" But in my heart I knew that wasn't right, the baskets always bring healing to my own wounds.
So what was it?
All day, there was this nagging at my soul & I couldn't pinpoint it. I know Christmas & all the holidays have their difficult moments. I'm working on the nursery & know that has been painful.
But this, this was like a dull pounding ache in my heart.
Then I remembered...Hannah.
Had my sweet Hannah lived she would be turning one in just a few short weeks.
I would be planning her big party, looking for a fluffy dress, & ordering a cake. Angie would probably be making some cookies & the girls would be eager to attempt blowing up balloons.
But...I don't get to do that. I get none of that.
And today my heart gently & quietly spoke her name...Hannah.
Days like today aren't as frequent as they had been. Days when I feel the crushing blow of knowing my babies are gone. But when they come, the pain is like a hurricane.
Suddenly, I'm thrown back in time & it hurts all over again.
I sit & cry & cry & long for her in my arms, I ask God to let me feel her again, to let me see her, if only for a moment.
I weep inside my soul where I didn't know tears were allowed.
In my heart & mind the question comes again, "WHY?"
I start to feel the sadness wash over me & wonder will it ever stop? I begin to feel I'm at the beginning of this road & that it is going to consume me once again. I start to wonder if I will really survive the pain & how am I going to do this?
Then God does as He always does, He runs swiftly to me, picks me up, carries me.
Like a good father, He is gentle. Allowing me to cry & hurt as He kisses my fore head & reminds me that all will be OK.
He reminds me that there will be a day of no more tears & all my pain will be washed away. That one day I will hold my children & they will tell me all about the wonderful things Jesus has shown them.
When I asked Him how am I to get through today? How am I to get through the hurts when they come back demanding my attention?
He turned my eyes to my Hannah again. In a moment I was looking down at her little headstone, where it reads
"BE STILL, & KNOW I'M GOD"
Today I worked on a basket for a mommy like me. A mommy who has a broken heart & empty arms.
For some reason today was difficult. Most times when I work on a basket I feel Gods hands on mine, creating a gentle healing for one who is grieving.
But as I said, it was difficult. There were normal kinks to work through, this is missing or that didn't come out "just so".
However, I prayed & God helped me get it all done. I felt really good knowing this Mommy would receive the basket in Gods perfect timing.
So what was my problem?
How come I still felt burdened?
At first I thought "oh well, it must be the basket, it must be stirring up some hurt" But in my heart I knew that wasn't right, the baskets always bring healing to my own wounds.
So what was it?
All day, there was this nagging at my soul & I couldn't pinpoint it. I know Christmas & all the holidays have their difficult moments. I'm working on the nursery & know that has been painful.
But this, this was like a dull pounding ache in my heart.
Then I remembered...Hannah.
Had my sweet Hannah lived she would be turning one in just a few short weeks.
I would be planning her big party, looking for a fluffy dress, & ordering a cake. Angie would probably be making some cookies & the girls would be eager to attempt blowing up balloons.
But...I don't get to do that. I get none of that.
And today my heart gently & quietly spoke her name...Hannah.
Days like today aren't as frequent as they had been. Days when I feel the crushing blow of knowing my babies are gone. But when they come, the pain is like a hurricane.
Suddenly, I'm thrown back in time & it hurts all over again.
I sit & cry & cry & long for her in my arms, I ask God to let me feel her again, to let me see her, if only for a moment.
I weep inside my soul where I didn't know tears were allowed.
In my heart & mind the question comes again, "WHY?"
I start to feel the sadness wash over me & wonder will it ever stop? I begin to feel I'm at the beginning of this road & that it is going to consume me once again. I start to wonder if I will really survive the pain & how am I going to do this?
Then God does as He always does, He runs swiftly to me, picks me up, carries me.
Like a good father, He is gentle. Allowing me to cry & hurt as He kisses my fore head & reminds me that all will be OK.
He reminds me that there will be a day of no more tears & all my pain will be washed away. That one day I will hold my children & they will tell me all about the wonderful things Jesus has shown them.
When I asked Him how am I to get through today? How am I to get through the hurts when they come back demanding my attention?
He turned my eyes to my Hannah again. In a moment I was looking down at her little headstone, where it reads
"BE STILL, & KNOW I'M GOD"
Monday, December 7, 2009
Anger & Compassion
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10
I have to be honest today, I'm not even somewhat joyful right now. No birds singing, no sun shining, no smiling faces. I'm angry....
I need to just go somewhere & scream, why is it that you can be living your day & all of a sudden...WHAM! The past just hits you so hard that for a moment you can't breathe???
I don't want to feel this way again, GOD!!! I don't want to feel this way!
But, here I am,
angry...questioning...wondering...
Let me back up so I make some kind of sense.
I'm 7 & 1/2 months pregnant now (smile) & so in love with this little girl, I can't wait to meet her. To hold her, smell her, kiss her, I want to study every inch of her & get to know everything about her, I want to LIVE with her.
So, with getting closer to the end of pregnancy comes the time to start getting prepared. Time to start thinking about clothes, diapers, bottles & getting the nursery ready.
Well, you see, I've done nothing...zip.
This is supposed to be an exciting time, but for me, it's ripping my heart out. I did get the nursery ready for Hannah & Isaac too. And both times, I had no one to place in that crib. Do you know how lonely a rocking chair is when you hold emptiness in your arms??
But, no matter how much the past screams at me, the future is swiftly becoming my present & my little girl will need a room when she comes home. So this past Saturday, Dan & I decided, this is it, we need to start on this room. The thing of it is, is has become a "catch all" for everything I didn't want to clean or put away. So for the past few days I've been going through papers, books, bags of clothes.
Every now & then I find something so sweet, like a little picture from Alana she drew that says "I love you Mommy, Love Alana"
That was real nice to find, or finding Dans cast from when he broke his leg when he was 7 months old. I can't believe he was ever so tiny!
But then there's the things I find that are better left lost.
Like a business card from the funeral director...
Paperwork from the hospital I delivered my sweet babies at...
Little tiny dresses that Hannah never had the chance to wear...
So here I am, angry.
Angry that I'm feeling this pain & loss again. Angry that my children had to die. Angry that I'm ANGRY!!!
I want to feel that peace again, the peace that makes no sense in the midst of the hurt & hot tears. The peace that doesn't have words, the peace that just...is
But I suppose God allows me to get angry from time to time right? I mean it's not as if He expects me to always be happy & for nothing to ever bother me. He's not that way, He's not a "jolly ole St. Nick God" who never feels pain & yes even anger. I think about when His son died. He was a father who was broken, pained, & angry.
So I believe He understands, I believe He's patient & can handle all my questions & wondering. I don't just 'believe' it, I know it, deep in the recesses of my heart. He has compassion for me because He is familiar with my suffering. I also believe that I need to talk to Him & be honest about my feelings or I could very well lose my mind to bitterness & lose my heart to callousness.
So this is me being honest...
today, I'm not OK..today I'm angry. But I will bring that anger to God, seeking His compassion, knowing that He loves me & will hold me & carry me through the pain.
I have to be honest today, I'm not even somewhat joyful right now. No birds singing, no sun shining, no smiling faces. I'm angry....
I need to just go somewhere & scream, why is it that you can be living your day & all of a sudden...WHAM! The past just hits you so hard that for a moment you can't breathe???
I don't want to feel this way again, GOD!!! I don't want to feel this way!
But, here I am,
angry...questioning...wondering...
Let me back up so I make some kind of sense.
I'm 7 & 1/2 months pregnant now (smile) & so in love with this little girl, I can't wait to meet her. To hold her, smell her, kiss her, I want to study every inch of her & get to know everything about her, I want to LIVE with her.
So, with getting closer to the end of pregnancy comes the time to start getting prepared. Time to start thinking about clothes, diapers, bottles & getting the nursery ready.
Well, you see, I've done nothing...zip.
This is supposed to be an exciting time, but for me, it's ripping my heart out. I did get the nursery ready for Hannah & Isaac too. And both times, I had no one to place in that crib. Do you know how lonely a rocking chair is when you hold emptiness in your arms??
But, no matter how much the past screams at me, the future is swiftly becoming my present & my little girl will need a room when she comes home. So this past Saturday, Dan & I decided, this is it, we need to start on this room. The thing of it is, is has become a "catch all" for everything I didn't want to clean or put away. So for the past few days I've been going through papers, books, bags of clothes.
Every now & then I find something so sweet, like a little picture from Alana she drew that says "I love you Mommy, Love Alana"
That was real nice to find, or finding Dans cast from when he broke his leg when he was 7 months old. I can't believe he was ever so tiny!
But then there's the things I find that are better left lost.
Like a business card from the funeral director...
Paperwork from the hospital I delivered my sweet babies at...
Little tiny dresses that Hannah never had the chance to wear...
So here I am, angry.
Angry that I'm feeling this pain & loss again. Angry that my children had to die. Angry that I'm ANGRY!!!
I want to feel that peace again, the peace that makes no sense in the midst of the hurt & hot tears. The peace that doesn't have words, the peace that just...is
But I suppose God allows me to get angry from time to time right? I mean it's not as if He expects me to always be happy & for nothing to ever bother me. He's not that way, He's not a "jolly ole St. Nick God" who never feels pain & yes even anger. I think about when His son died. He was a father who was broken, pained, & angry.
So I believe He understands, I believe He's patient & can handle all my questions & wondering. I don't just 'believe' it, I know it, deep in the recesses of my heart. He has compassion for me because He is familiar with my suffering. I also believe that I need to talk to Him & be honest about my feelings or I could very well lose my mind to bitterness & lose my heart to callousness.
So this is me being honest...
today, I'm not OK..today I'm angry. But I will bring that anger to God, seeking His compassion, knowing that He loves me & will hold me & carry me through the pain.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Imagine
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4
I've been thinking a lot...
about Heaven.
What it's really like?
As I've grown older & gone though the different seasons of life my perspective changed.
As a child I couldn't begin to grasp the magnitude of Heaven.
I would think of golden streets & everything was sparkly & pretty. I knew I liked the idea of playing with tigers & asking David if he was really scared of Goliath. But beyond that I couldn't get my young mind to really think on it. I kinda wondered what the big deal was ya know?
My father would sit me down & smile in wonderment at the prospect of Heaven, asking me what will I do when I get there? I was just kinda like...um...play?
But, as I've gotten older, as I said, my perspective has changed.
To be honest, before last year, I didn't think about Heaven too much. I was too wrapped up in surviving life to think about death. That is until death came knocking at my door.
I began to think of Heaven in a whole new way. When I think of golden streets I also think of little bare feet. Running, I can hear the slapping of Isaac's feet as he runs & plays. I think of little chunky legs pumping back & forth as he chases after Hannah. I think of her squeals of delight as she tries to outrun her big brother.
I can't help but think of all the sweet wee ones that left us too soon, & they're pure joy.
Can you see them? Splashing in the water, riding on whales, as Angels sing their majestic song of worship.
Can you see Jesus laughing in sheer delight as He tosses lil ones in the air? Just as a father would...
Can you smell them, hear them, see them?
I can....
But, what I think of most when I think of Heaven, is Jesus.
The lover of my soul, my friend, my safe place, my Savior.
I think of walking beside Him, holding His wounded hand, feeling that peace that surpasses my understanding.
I think of Him wiping away my tears & healing me.
I think of being in His Holy presence & my heart skips...what will it really be like?
I've had so many ideas throughout the years of what Heaven truly is.
From a child's mind, to a mothers broken heart, & finally to the Daughter of the One True King.
I believe I finally get it, Heaven is beyond all I can imagine, it's beyond all I can fathom or comprehend.
But of one thing I am certain...
Heaven is Jesus.
I've been thinking a lot...
about Heaven.
What it's really like?
As I've grown older & gone though the different seasons of life my perspective changed.
As a child I couldn't begin to grasp the magnitude of Heaven.
I would think of golden streets & everything was sparkly & pretty. I knew I liked the idea of playing with tigers & asking David if he was really scared of Goliath. But beyond that I couldn't get my young mind to really think on it. I kinda wondered what the big deal was ya know?
My father would sit me down & smile in wonderment at the prospect of Heaven, asking me what will I do when I get there? I was just kinda like...um...play?
But, as I've gotten older, as I said, my perspective has changed.
To be honest, before last year, I didn't think about Heaven too much. I was too wrapped up in surviving life to think about death. That is until death came knocking at my door.
I began to think of Heaven in a whole new way. When I think of golden streets I also think of little bare feet. Running, I can hear the slapping of Isaac's feet as he runs & plays. I think of little chunky legs pumping back & forth as he chases after Hannah. I think of her squeals of delight as she tries to outrun her big brother.
I can't help but think of all the sweet wee ones that left us too soon, & they're pure joy.
Can you see them? Splashing in the water, riding on whales, as Angels sing their majestic song of worship.
Can you see Jesus laughing in sheer delight as He tosses lil ones in the air? Just as a father would...
Can you smell them, hear them, see them?
I can....
But, what I think of most when I think of Heaven, is Jesus.
The lover of my soul, my friend, my safe place, my Savior.
I think of walking beside Him, holding His wounded hand, feeling that peace that surpasses my understanding.
I think of Him wiping away my tears & healing me.
I think of being in His Holy presence & my heart skips...what will it really be like?
I've had so many ideas throughout the years of what Heaven truly is.
From a child's mind, to a mothers broken heart, & finally to the Daughter of the One True King.
I believe I finally get it, Heaven is beyond all I can imagine, it's beyond all I can fathom or comprehend.
But of one thing I am certain...
Heaven is Jesus.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
My Hiding Place
Have mercy on me, Oh God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. Psalm 57:1
I've been hiding. Hiding in my pain, hiding in my doubt, hiding from God. Sometimes the pain gets so overwhelming that I run like a child afraid of thunder. Slamming & locking the door behind me not allowing anyone to see my tears. Afraid. I've been feeling the anguish that penetrates deep into the recesses of your soul. You see yesterday was Hannah's heavenly birthday. And although I never once lost my composure my heart screamed out, my soul wept, my spirit mourned. I went about my day as if nothing were different. I had children that had places to go & dinner that needed to be cooked, it felt good to stay busy...to hide.
However, I found that you can keep your hands moving, & your feet rushing but your mind, it roams where it wants. It remembers & demands to be acknowledged.
So here I am today, broken.
Thinking of my Hannah, wishing I could smell the back of her neck, longing to feel my lips against her cheek, sweet Hannah.
In this abyss I find myself in I ask God "why??? Why my Hannah? Why me???" I ask & ask so many questions as my heart screams. I cry in wonder that He could take my child, that He allowed me to hurt in a way no mother should experience.
I feel anger & hurt like I haven't felt in a very long time & am shocked that these feelings are even there. Will it ever stop? God?
The feelings & thoughts are crushing & closing in on me & the pain is so fresh again. I want to run, I want to hide. But wherever I go, wherever I turn, the pain is waiting. Waiting to wash over me & pull me under, it wants to consume me.
Finally I see there is nowhere to hide. There is no refuge for my weary heart.
But is that true? Is there really nowhere I can hide? Nowhere I can find rest?
Oh but there is, I've forgotten. Oh God forgive me...have mercy on me, let me hide in you Lord. I am broken before you, fragments of my heart are too many to count. My soul cries out for your healing. Let me run into your waiting arms & weep, give me rest. Refresh me Oh God, restore my joy & make me new.
I will trust in your unfailing love, I will believe in your goodness & majesty. I will trust in you, for you Oh God are my hiding place...
I've been hiding. Hiding in my pain, hiding in my doubt, hiding from God. Sometimes the pain gets so overwhelming that I run like a child afraid of thunder. Slamming & locking the door behind me not allowing anyone to see my tears. Afraid. I've been feeling the anguish that penetrates deep into the recesses of your soul. You see yesterday was Hannah's heavenly birthday. And although I never once lost my composure my heart screamed out, my soul wept, my spirit mourned. I went about my day as if nothing were different. I had children that had places to go & dinner that needed to be cooked, it felt good to stay busy...to hide.
However, I found that you can keep your hands moving, & your feet rushing but your mind, it roams where it wants. It remembers & demands to be acknowledged.
So here I am today, broken.
Thinking of my Hannah, wishing I could smell the back of her neck, longing to feel my lips against her cheek, sweet Hannah.
In this abyss I find myself in I ask God "why??? Why my Hannah? Why me???" I ask & ask so many questions as my heart screams. I cry in wonder that He could take my child, that He allowed me to hurt in a way no mother should experience.
I feel anger & hurt like I haven't felt in a very long time & am shocked that these feelings are even there. Will it ever stop? God?
The feelings & thoughts are crushing & closing in on me & the pain is so fresh again. I want to run, I want to hide. But wherever I go, wherever I turn, the pain is waiting. Waiting to wash over me & pull me under, it wants to consume me.
Finally I see there is nowhere to hide. There is no refuge for my weary heart.
But is that true? Is there really nowhere I can hide? Nowhere I can find rest?
Oh but there is, I've forgotten. Oh God forgive me...have mercy on me, let me hide in you Lord. I am broken before you, fragments of my heart are too many to count. My soul cries out for your healing. Let me run into your waiting arms & weep, give me rest. Refresh me Oh God, restore my joy & make me new.
I will trust in your unfailing love, I will believe in your goodness & majesty. I will trust in you, for you Oh God are my hiding place...
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
God's Mercy
I lift my eyes up to the hills-where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,The maker of Heaven & Earth
Psalm 121:1-2
Let me try to convey my heart today...
At 1 pm I started having light spotting, I looked at what I believed was the beginning of the end of my sweet lil ones time with me. I cried & called the Dr who told me to come in right away. With my history they were very understanding & gentle with me. I called Dan & hated to tell the man I love the same words I said 18 months ago when Isaac was leaving us.
The drive to the hospital was silent & surreal. Neither Dan or myself could speak, we were frozen in fear with tear streaked faces. With terrible familiar feelings. Driving into downtown Chicago wondering why? Pained as I walked through the hospital & saw people laughing & carrying on with their day. Feeling the need to run away.
The moment came where I was told to lay down for the ultrasound, my heart & soul screamed.
Not again, I can't do this again! I can't look at that screen & see that still baby, that still heart. Please God, Please God. All I could say over & over was PLEASE GOD...
He answered...He came quickly to my rescue.
My sweet lil one is alive...
The Dr doesn't know why I spotted or why it stopped. But I do, God laid His hands on me, God laid His hands on this baby. He heard the prayers of His many saints who came on our behalf before His throne. He heard our cries for this life & poured His mercy on us.
For a long time I couldn't even speak, I was just silent in His presence. Once again in awe of His love for me, in awe of my love for Him.
I still feel silent before Him, as though words aren't big enough to express my heart. I have a joy & peace inside me I've never felt before. God allowed us to witness our sweet & precious child jumping around. I'd like to think he or she was praising God at that moment. Joyful before his maker.
This has been a winding path that sometimes leaves me with skinned knees & a fearful heart. But God lights my path just enough to follow Him. The key is to lift my eyes to Him, when terror strikes my heart, to remember where my help comes from.
The Maker of Heaven & Earth...and babies too.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Hope
For I know the plans I have for you decalres the Lord, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE & a future. Jeremiah 29:11
I have wonderful hope, because the Lord has blessed us yet again with another child.Praise God!! I hope in the Lord that this child will come to term & live a fruitful life for His Kingdom.
There are moments of fear & doubt, moments when I feel the waves of the unknown crashing down around me. Moments when I feel that all is too good to be true. But in those moments I have to remind myself of His word. That He has plans for me, hope, & a future.
You see, as much as I hate to admit it, if God chooses to take this baby to live eternally with Him, if I have to wait to meet this one til I go home to heaven, well, that's His plan. And although I may not understand it, that plan has hope. Now, don't think I'm just throwing my hands up & saying "oh well, whatever God does is OK with me"
If you know me at all then you know I'm the kicking & screaming type=)
But I know He'll sustain me wherever He leads me.
I choose to believe & hope.
To hope that God lets us hold this little one...
To hope my mother kisses her grandbaby...
To hope our daughters will see the mercy & goodness of God...
To hope that I will see the joy on Dan's face when he looks for the first time at his child...
To hope & never stop hoping....
I have wonderful hope, because the Lord has blessed us yet again with another child.Praise God!! I hope in the Lord that this child will come to term & live a fruitful life for His Kingdom.
There are moments of fear & doubt, moments when I feel the waves of the unknown crashing down around me. Moments when I feel that all is too good to be true. But in those moments I have to remind myself of His word. That He has plans for me, hope, & a future.
You see, as much as I hate to admit it, if God chooses to take this baby to live eternally with Him, if I have to wait to meet this one til I go home to heaven, well, that's His plan. And although I may not understand it, that plan has hope. Now, don't think I'm just throwing my hands up & saying "oh well, whatever God does is OK with me"
If you know me at all then you know I'm the kicking & screaming type=)
But I know He'll sustain me wherever He leads me.
I choose to believe & hope.
To hope that God lets us hold this little one...
To hope my mother kisses her grandbaby...
To hope our daughters will see the mercy & goodness of God...
To hope that I will see the joy on Dan's face when he looks for the first time at his child...
To hope & never stop hoping....
Friday, July 31, 2009
All Days Ordained
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully & wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the Earth Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. PSALM 139:13-16
I chose this scripture today because I can't stop thinking of the wonder & beauty of life. These are more than words to me, they are truth. They breathe life into my sometimes weary soul. They remind me that when I was living my life day by day, God, the creator of all things was patiently knitting my Isaac & Hannah together. With gentle loving hands, He was the master artist. Drawing Hannah's beautiful pout, & Isaac's sweet ears that were just perfect. He saw them before I knew they were within my womb. He saw them & loved beyond all I can measure. Their days although short, were ordained.
Now let me camp here a moment, in that word; Ordain.
The word ordain means to be set apart. Now, when I stop & think of what that means for my children, they are ordained. Set apart by God for His purpose, they have been chosen, called by Him to do amazing things for His Kingdom! I suppose I could sit back & wonder "what could their little lives have done? For God? Almighty God?" But I'm not doing that, instead I'm standing, humbled, in awe of His majesty.
He chose MY babies, simple me? My babies? What a legacy they can have with Him as their author! And what grabs my attention & my heart is this scripture does not only apply to them, it applies to me! And you!
You see, I have been set apart, I have a greater purpose than living for today. I have a role in His Kingdom. I know that the path He has had me on, through the loss of my children is refining me for that purpose.
I can't pretend to know or even have a clue where HE is leading me. But I can rest in Blessed Assurance that He created me,
that He patiently knit me together,
that I am not, nor have I ever been hidden from Him,
that He has set me apart,
that He loves me....
that He loves you...
that He loves...Isaac & Hannah
I chose this scripture today because I can't stop thinking of the wonder & beauty of life. These are more than words to me, they are truth. They breathe life into my sometimes weary soul. They remind me that when I was living my life day by day, God, the creator of all things was patiently knitting my Isaac & Hannah together. With gentle loving hands, He was the master artist. Drawing Hannah's beautiful pout, & Isaac's sweet ears that were just perfect. He saw them before I knew they were within my womb. He saw them & loved beyond all I can measure. Their days although short, were ordained.
Now let me camp here a moment, in that word; Ordain.
The word ordain means to be set apart. Now, when I stop & think of what that means for my children, they are ordained. Set apart by God for His purpose, they have been chosen, called by Him to do amazing things for His Kingdom! I suppose I could sit back & wonder "what could their little lives have done? For God? Almighty God?" But I'm not doing that, instead I'm standing, humbled, in awe of His majesty.
He chose MY babies, simple me? My babies? What a legacy they can have with Him as their author! And what grabs my attention & my heart is this scripture does not only apply to them, it applies to me! And you!
You see, I have been set apart, I have a greater purpose than living for today. I have a role in His Kingdom. I know that the path He has had me on, through the loss of my children is refining me for that purpose.
I can't pretend to know or even have a clue where HE is leading me. But I can rest in Blessed Assurance that He created me,
that He patiently knit me together,
that I am not, nor have I ever been hidden from Him,
that He has set me apart,
that He loves me....
that He loves you...
that He loves...Isaac & Hannah
Thursday, June 18, 2009
A Scent of Heaven
As Jesus got out of the boat, a madman from the cemetery came up to him. He lived there among the tombs and graves. No one could restrain him—he couldn't be chained, couldn't be tied down. He had been tied up many times with chains and ropes, but he broke the chains, snapped the ropes. No one was strong enough to tame him. Night and day he roamed through the graves and the hills, screaming out and slashing himself with sharp stones. MARK 5:2-5
Ah...my heart is melancholy today. I'm remembering, ya know those days when everything is just sailing along & all of a sudden there's a familiar scent or sound? When the moment you're in becomes silent & the past demands your attention? My memory is violating my heart, my mind is competing with my soul for attention. However, can't the two live in harmony? Can't... in some way...they come together & bring joy?
Let me share my memory...September 16th, I'm lying on a hospital bed holding my sweet & ever so tiny Hannah Joy. I'm studying every detail of her sweet face, she has the reddest little pouty lips & one little hair atop her head. I wrap her sweet fingers around mine & memorize the intricacies of her hands. But this is what I remember most...her sweet baby smell. I can close my eyes now & smell my sweet baby girl, I can take in the scent of this little one I said goodbye to 9 months ago! But you see, it's because the heart knows no boundaries, it doesn't know time, it only knows. It knows that a piece of it is missing, it knows a part of it was taken & it is not complete. It yearns & cries for the missing piece.
As it calls out for Hannah my soul cries out for healing. Surely, Hannah's memory can bring healing can't it? Hannah was not created to bring hurt into my heart~so Lord...how do I make these two live in harmony? The agonizing pain of empty arms & the blessing I was given to hold her... even if only just once?
I suppose the reality is, satan wants to steal the joy of meeting my Hannah Girl. He wants the pain to overshadow the blessing. You see if he can just keep me in this grief, living in this pain. Then he has the power over my heart. He keeps me tied down in shackles & has the audacity to use my child to do it!
This is where the scripture from Mark 5 comes in, you see this madman, he lived in the cemetery. Among the tombs & the graves. He lived in death, he was most comfortable in a place of sorrow, a home where he could scream out his agonizing pain. Yes, this man was demon possessed & no I am not.
However, on days like today, when my heart is screaming for Hannah & Isaac too, it can become increasingly comfortable to live in their deaths. To hold onto the memory of what could've should've been. To lay in a bed of bitterness & slash myself with sharp questions.
"Why didn't I hold her longer?"
"What was the last sound she heard, was I yelling?"
"Is there anything...anything...I could have done differently to save her?"
But here...there is scripture too, very simple, very basic words. But oh so powerful, so mighty.
Be still...and know I'm God....
Can't you just feel it? The burden being lifted, the questions being removed...the peace coming down.
See, whenever I hear those words from God, it makes me slow down & breathe. I think of when my Lana who is 6 is goin a mile a minute. Just up in arms & freaking out because she can't find that ever so important & IRREPLACEABLE book for story time. She is frustrated, tense, & in tears. All along I remember she has loaned the book to her baby sister.
When I can get her to slow down, to breathe to listen, I can say "chill out baby, it's OK, mama's here, I can take care of this OK"
How many times have I been frustrated, tense, & up in arms? How many times has God tried to get my attention only for me to respond with agitation. It's at those time I need to be still & know...
So, today, when my heart is aching for my little ones...when the scent of my sweet Hannah penetrates my soul...when I am tempted to live in death...
He speaks my name....he reminds me...
Be Still & Know...I'm God
Ah...my heart is melancholy today. I'm remembering, ya know those days when everything is just sailing along & all of a sudden there's a familiar scent or sound? When the moment you're in becomes silent & the past demands your attention? My memory is violating my heart, my mind is competing with my soul for attention. However, can't the two live in harmony? Can't... in some way...they come together & bring joy?
Let me share my memory...September 16th, I'm lying on a hospital bed holding my sweet & ever so tiny Hannah Joy. I'm studying every detail of her sweet face, she has the reddest little pouty lips & one little hair atop her head. I wrap her sweet fingers around mine & memorize the intricacies of her hands. But this is what I remember most...her sweet baby smell. I can close my eyes now & smell my sweet baby girl, I can take in the scent of this little one I said goodbye to 9 months ago! But you see, it's because the heart knows no boundaries, it doesn't know time, it only knows. It knows that a piece of it is missing, it knows a part of it was taken & it is not complete. It yearns & cries for the missing piece.
As it calls out for Hannah my soul cries out for healing. Surely, Hannah's memory can bring healing can't it? Hannah was not created to bring hurt into my heart~so Lord...how do I make these two live in harmony? The agonizing pain of empty arms & the blessing I was given to hold her... even if only just once?
I suppose the reality is, satan wants to steal the joy of meeting my Hannah Girl. He wants the pain to overshadow the blessing. You see if he can just keep me in this grief, living in this pain. Then he has the power over my heart. He keeps me tied down in shackles & has the audacity to use my child to do it!
This is where the scripture from Mark 5 comes in, you see this madman, he lived in the cemetery. Among the tombs & the graves. He lived in death, he was most comfortable in a place of sorrow, a home where he could scream out his agonizing pain. Yes, this man was demon possessed & no I am not.
However, on days like today, when my heart is screaming for Hannah & Isaac too, it can become increasingly comfortable to live in their deaths. To hold onto the memory of what could've should've been. To lay in a bed of bitterness & slash myself with sharp questions.
"Why didn't I hold her longer?"
"What was the last sound she heard, was I yelling?"
"Is there anything...anything...I could have done differently to save her?"
But here...there is scripture too, very simple, very basic words. But oh so powerful, so mighty.
Be still...and know I'm God....
Can't you just feel it? The burden being lifted, the questions being removed...the peace coming down.
See, whenever I hear those words from God, it makes me slow down & breathe. I think of when my Lana who is 6 is goin a mile a minute. Just up in arms & freaking out because she can't find that ever so important & IRREPLACEABLE book for story time. She is frustrated, tense, & in tears. All along I remember she has loaned the book to her baby sister.
When I can get her to slow down, to breathe to listen, I can say "chill out baby, it's OK, mama's here, I can take care of this OK"
How many times have I been frustrated, tense, & up in arms? How many times has God tried to get my attention only for me to respond with agitation. It's at those time I need to be still & know...
So, today, when my heart is aching for my little ones...when the scent of my sweet Hannah penetrates my soul...when I am tempted to live in death...
He speaks my name....he reminds me...
Be Still & Know...I'm God
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The Story of Isaac & Hannah Joy
Ya know that feeling? The one you get when you know things aren't gonna turn out like you planned. The knot in your stomach, the lump in your throat, sweaty palms...that feeling? I remember the day I got that feeling. It was February 21st '08, a Thursday. I was 18 weeks pregnant & Dan was gettin ready to leave, I was tense & I don't remember why. But I remember how you could here a pin drop when I told him not to go because I was spotting. His face took on a mixture of shock & fear...
We all got together that night, Dan & I with our 3 daughters, we prayed. I can't tell you the grief that already washed over me at the mere thought of losing this baby, I begged, pleaded, & bargained with God for this baby's life. The next day God answered...in the ultrasound room, as I lay on the table, God gently said "No"
The sun continued to shine & birds still sang their song, but my soul screamed out for life! How could this happen?? How could the world continue as though death hadn't come calling?? How was it that children were running, playing, laughing? That dogs were barking & school was in session?? Why didn't the world STOP & grieve with me? I felt as though a piece of my heart died...there...on that table.
The next several days were a blur, a mixture of shock, unbelief, & overwhelming pain. Several days after the news that changed my life I went into Lincoln Park Hospital to be induced. As we entered, I refused to look at the building, & I now know that Dan was gently pulling me along. Just getting a room was torture, having to explain to several different nurses & aides why we were there....their hushed & hurried explanations to one another.
"No heartbeat" "stillborn" "miscarriage"
Words that echo in your heart forever.
I checked into a room & waited, I was induced & was told the process would be very long~up to several days. So Dan & I started thinking about names, it was a bit surreal, we knew that everything about this was upside down backwards & wrong. Delivering a child, & naming this child, only to say goodbye. There were many surreal moments in that delivery room, moments that are too big to describe in words not big enough for God.
There was the moment I think I lost my mind a bit, I started crying & telling Dan this was so unfair, this was so wrong, why did "THEY" get to keep my baby? Why did "THEY" have a say so? This is my child & I'm taking this baby home!!! I announced to Dan that we would keep the baby at home until the funeral. Dan was scared, he told me the baby couldn't come home because the baby was dead. I started saying no no no...you can't say that, don't say that. Dan started prayin, asking God to please come quickly, please do something, Please!!
The nurse came in & I told her how I felt, I told her I don't think I can let this baby go when it's time, I'm scared I'll go crazy. She looked at me & said "it's OK, your baby's not here, this..what's gonna happen here (gesturing to my stomach) this is a shell, your baby is in Heaven being loved on by God, you'll be OK"
I know some may say "what??? a shell?? cruel!!!" But God knew exactly what my ears needed to hear, He knew what would penetrate MY heart, He knew I needed the truth spoke to me at that moment. The truth of my child's existence would set me free.
I delivered Isaac Jeremiah Jensen, Tuesday, February 26th 2008 at 3:48 a.m.
He was perfect. He was beautiful. He is my son.
We buried my Isaac 2 days later in a beautiful small service for him. My oldest daughter read a letter she wrote to her brother, we had one of my pastors give a message of hope, redemption, & reunion. However, the most important moment for me that day was worshipping God. We were led in singing a song of praise to Him, I felt so weak, I was shaking & sick. I could barely stand but I wanted to tell God I still loved Him. That I still praise Him. He gave me the strength to stand, the strength to raise my hands, the strength to praise Him & be a testimony. His presence filled the air.
I wish I could stop there, I wish my story was over & I lived happily ever after. That I went through the storm & have survived a stronger person. But this was only the beginning of the storm, this was only the rumblings of the thunder, the flashes of lightning. However, the dark clouds were still rolling in, it had only begun.
Hannah, oh my Hannah. How I miss you.
I was shocked & amazed to find myself pregnant again within 2 months of saying goodbye to Isaac. I felt that God was really bringing healing & blessing & that this was His way of telling me I was ready. I tried desperately not to give into fear, but suffered from persistent nightmares. But I tried to stay positive, I wasn't going to allow satan to steal the joy of this pregnancy. We made it past the first 12 weeks without a problem, everything was going smooth. I went in for a check up at 18 weeks & heard my baby's very strong wonderful heartbeat! My Dr said it sounded like the heartbeat of a little girl!! I wept tears of relief & joy...this was happening, this was really happening! My baby was well & I had nothing to fear, God was giving me this healthy child.
But once that euphoria wore off the fear slithered in, & I began to get scared again. Nightmares returned & finally I told Dan, somethings not right, I don't feel right. I called the Dr. concerned the baby wasn't moving enough for 23 weeks. Knowing my history my doc said to come in, if not for anything else than just my peace of mind. I went in that day, so nervous, Dan was at work & I didn't want to be alone. The Dr was running late & I was getting more anxious by the moment. Finally Dan called & said he was done with work early, I asked him to please come to the office because I needed him with me. Dan arrived & 5 minutes later the Dr called me in, I had been waiting almost 2 hours. He took me straight to the ultrasound room, & as I lay again on that table, I knew my baby was gone. Nothing had happened, Dan & the Dr were joking back & forth, but everything slowed down & I felt God there, I felt Him holding me, I felt Him crying.
She was gone.
My Hannah Girl....
I'd like to say I was OK this time, that I did really well with this loss because we walked this path before. But I'd be lying. I wasn't OK, I was far from it. There have been many many knock down drag out fights with God. Mostly me knocking myself out. There have been countless times I've cried "why why why"
So many tears, too many to count. So many questions, "how could you do this God? What did I do wrong?? don't you love me"
I couldn't remember who God says I am in Him, I couldn't think clearly, sometimes I couldn't even form my thoughts into words. I suppose I was traumatized.
It was very very dark & very very scary. I felt as though I was stumbling around in the dark & falling, bruised, scraped, & bleeding. All along screaming, crying out, "help me!!! why don't you help me?!?!!!!"
I felt like I was dying, in every sense of the word. Somewhere in the fog, I remember my mom telling me I had to go in " survival mode" maybe she saw that I wasn't doin well. She told me everyone else is living & that's OK, but you have to understand that right now you're not just living, you're trying to survive. Shortly after that a good friend sent me a word from God. This word somehow, someway woke me up.
Isaiah 45 :3
I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel that summons you by name.
Did you get that?? Did you hear that? "Treasures of Darkness" I can't tell you exactly what Isaiah was trying to convey in that scripture, I know it's in relation to Cyrus. But let me tell you what it means for Tina. It means that I will value the treasure I find in the darkness, what is stored up in secret. God has treasures for me in this abyss I found myself in. Yes, My Isaac & Hannah are treasures, but there is so much more for me to find. There is so much He wants to give me through this. There is so much He wants to give you, dear friend, through this. You see my Isaac & Hannah did not die in vain. There lives are not without purpose & I their mother will glorify God & praise Him because He chose them. He chose to use my humble simple family for His Kingdom & for His Honor. And in this darkness, there is so much yet to be found, but I'll tell you what I've found thus far. I've found faith, faith in a God that never leaves, never forsakes & abundantly loves. I've found courage, courage in me that I didn't know existed. I found love, love for my husband that will never fade. I found friendship, I love you Sa. I found joy, joy that can't be stolen.
I know that I'll never be the same person I was before February 21st, I know I wouldn't want to be. My life has been forever changed, changed by my 2 wonderful beautiful, precious, perfect babies. Isaac & Hannah Joy who flew away home to Heaven......
We all got together that night, Dan & I with our 3 daughters, we prayed. I can't tell you the grief that already washed over me at the mere thought of losing this baby, I begged, pleaded, & bargained with God for this baby's life. The next day God answered...in the ultrasound room, as I lay on the table, God gently said "No"
The sun continued to shine & birds still sang their song, but my soul screamed out for life! How could this happen?? How could the world continue as though death hadn't come calling?? How was it that children were running, playing, laughing? That dogs were barking & school was in session?? Why didn't the world STOP & grieve with me? I felt as though a piece of my heart died...there...on that table.
The next several days were a blur, a mixture of shock, unbelief, & overwhelming pain. Several days after the news that changed my life I went into Lincoln Park Hospital to be induced. As we entered, I refused to look at the building, & I now know that Dan was gently pulling me along. Just getting a room was torture, having to explain to several different nurses & aides why we were there....their hushed & hurried explanations to one another.
"No heartbeat" "stillborn" "miscarriage"
Words that echo in your heart forever.
I checked into a room & waited, I was induced & was told the process would be very long~up to several days. So Dan & I started thinking about names, it was a bit surreal, we knew that everything about this was upside down backwards & wrong. Delivering a child, & naming this child, only to say goodbye. There were many surreal moments in that delivery room, moments that are too big to describe in words not big enough for God.
There was the moment I think I lost my mind a bit, I started crying & telling Dan this was so unfair, this was so wrong, why did "THEY" get to keep my baby? Why did "THEY" have a say so? This is my child & I'm taking this baby home!!! I announced to Dan that we would keep the baby at home until the funeral. Dan was scared, he told me the baby couldn't come home because the baby was dead. I started saying no no no...you can't say that, don't say that. Dan started prayin, asking God to please come quickly, please do something, Please!!
The nurse came in & I told her how I felt, I told her I don't think I can let this baby go when it's time, I'm scared I'll go crazy. She looked at me & said "it's OK, your baby's not here, this..what's gonna happen here (gesturing to my stomach) this is a shell, your baby is in Heaven being loved on by God, you'll be OK"
I know some may say "what??? a shell?? cruel!!!" But God knew exactly what my ears needed to hear, He knew what would penetrate MY heart, He knew I needed the truth spoke to me at that moment. The truth of my child's existence would set me free.
I delivered Isaac Jeremiah Jensen, Tuesday, February 26th 2008 at 3:48 a.m.
He was perfect. He was beautiful. He is my son.
We buried my Isaac 2 days later in a beautiful small service for him. My oldest daughter read a letter she wrote to her brother, we had one of my pastors give a message of hope, redemption, & reunion. However, the most important moment for me that day was worshipping God. We were led in singing a song of praise to Him, I felt so weak, I was shaking & sick. I could barely stand but I wanted to tell God I still loved Him. That I still praise Him. He gave me the strength to stand, the strength to raise my hands, the strength to praise Him & be a testimony. His presence filled the air.
I wish I could stop there, I wish my story was over & I lived happily ever after. That I went through the storm & have survived a stronger person. But this was only the beginning of the storm, this was only the rumblings of the thunder, the flashes of lightning. However, the dark clouds were still rolling in, it had only begun.
Hannah, oh my Hannah. How I miss you.
I was shocked & amazed to find myself pregnant again within 2 months of saying goodbye to Isaac. I felt that God was really bringing healing & blessing & that this was His way of telling me I was ready. I tried desperately not to give into fear, but suffered from persistent nightmares. But I tried to stay positive, I wasn't going to allow satan to steal the joy of this pregnancy. We made it past the first 12 weeks without a problem, everything was going smooth. I went in for a check up at 18 weeks & heard my baby's very strong wonderful heartbeat! My Dr said it sounded like the heartbeat of a little girl!! I wept tears of relief & joy...this was happening, this was really happening! My baby was well & I had nothing to fear, God was giving me this healthy child.
But once that euphoria wore off the fear slithered in, & I began to get scared again. Nightmares returned & finally I told Dan, somethings not right, I don't feel right. I called the Dr. concerned the baby wasn't moving enough for 23 weeks. Knowing my history my doc said to come in, if not for anything else than just my peace of mind. I went in that day, so nervous, Dan was at work & I didn't want to be alone. The Dr was running late & I was getting more anxious by the moment. Finally Dan called & said he was done with work early, I asked him to please come to the office because I needed him with me. Dan arrived & 5 minutes later the Dr called me in, I had been waiting almost 2 hours. He took me straight to the ultrasound room, & as I lay again on that table, I knew my baby was gone. Nothing had happened, Dan & the Dr were joking back & forth, but everything slowed down & I felt God there, I felt Him holding me, I felt Him crying.
She was gone.
My Hannah Girl....
I'd like to say I was OK this time, that I did really well with this loss because we walked this path before. But I'd be lying. I wasn't OK, I was far from it. There have been many many knock down drag out fights with God. Mostly me knocking myself out. There have been countless times I've cried "why why why"
So many tears, too many to count. So many questions, "how could you do this God? What did I do wrong?? don't you love me"
I couldn't remember who God says I am in Him, I couldn't think clearly, sometimes I couldn't even form my thoughts into words. I suppose I was traumatized.
It was very very dark & very very scary. I felt as though I was stumbling around in the dark & falling, bruised, scraped, & bleeding. All along screaming, crying out, "help me!!! why don't you help me?!?!!!!"
I felt like I was dying, in every sense of the word. Somewhere in the fog, I remember my mom telling me I had to go in " survival mode" maybe she saw that I wasn't doin well. She told me everyone else is living & that's OK, but you have to understand that right now you're not just living, you're trying to survive. Shortly after that a good friend sent me a word from God. This word somehow, someway woke me up.
Isaiah 45 :3
I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel that summons you by name.
Did you get that?? Did you hear that? "Treasures of Darkness" I can't tell you exactly what Isaiah was trying to convey in that scripture, I know it's in relation to Cyrus. But let me tell you what it means for Tina. It means that I will value the treasure I find in the darkness, what is stored up in secret. God has treasures for me in this abyss I found myself in. Yes, My Isaac & Hannah are treasures, but there is so much more for me to find. There is so much He wants to give me through this. There is so much He wants to give you, dear friend, through this. You see my Isaac & Hannah did not die in vain. There lives are not without purpose & I their mother will glorify God & praise Him because He chose them. He chose to use my humble simple family for His Kingdom & for His Honor. And in this darkness, there is so much yet to be found, but I'll tell you what I've found thus far. I've found faith, faith in a God that never leaves, never forsakes & abundantly loves. I've found courage, courage in me that I didn't know existed. I found love, love for my husband that will never fade. I found friendship, I love you Sa. I found joy, joy that can't be stolen.
I know that I'll never be the same person I was before February 21st, I know I wouldn't want to be. My life has been forever changed, changed by my 2 wonderful beautiful, precious, perfect babies. Isaac & Hannah Joy who flew away home to Heaven......
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