Thankfulness...

After losing my Isaac & Hannah, I found it very very difficult to be thankful, for much of anything. It would just drive me bonkers when people would say "well, just be thankful for the ones you've got"
OOooOOHHHhhh!!!
That got under my skin something fierce!
I know each & every time someone said that to me it was simply because they didn't understand, they didn't understand that it hurt to hear those words.
Why?
Because, I was thankful. Probably more thankful than I'd ever been that my other 3 girls were alive & healthy. Thankful that only 18 months earlier God allowed my sweet Nomi girl to be born this side of Heaven. That in His grace I have these children with me here.
But, it was still so very hard to be thankful because He had taken Isaac & Hannah. And I wanted them here with me. I wanted more time with them, I wanted to get to know them. And I was NOT THANKFUL that they were gone & that the other 3 were here.
Now, it's not that I DIDN'T want my healthy princesses.
It just felt like a comparison. Like I wasn't being allowed to grieve & had to hurry up & find something to be happy about.
Does that make any sense or am I rambling???

Well, I didn't "hurry up & get happy"....far from it.
In fact, I'm still struggling with being joyful in all circumstances. So, I'm going to do what God calls me to do which is "choose joy"
Now, that's a whole lot different than "being happy"
Being happy is a feeling. That feeling dictates your thoughts, reactions, & choices.
Kinda like..."oh, I'm happy, having a good day, things are pretty much goin my way & that makes me happy & I'm gonna act happy now"
But joy, that's a choice.
Specifically, the Joy of the Lord.
See, when your having a bad day, I mean absolutely nothing is going your way. The Earth is literally crumbling beneath your feet & everything inside you is screaming to lay down & die...that's when you CHOOSE JOY.

Because the Joy of the Lord is your Strength. When your not choosing His joy, your not choosing His strength. Your choosing, in fact, to be weakened.
Really, telling myself this one. Because it's kinda like helloooo?? Tina?? Are you hearing yourself? Ya need, I mean really NEED to be joyful. How do you plan on gettin joyful??
Hmmmmm? Hmmmm?? Stop talkin the talk if you ain't willin to walk the walk.
OK, enough hollering at myself.
Yea, me myself & I have many conversations & we often go off on a tangent.
Sorry.
Well, after going through these trials. I've found a few different ways to "choose joy"
One is I say out loud "I'm choosing joy"...which works because it's kinda like sayin to satan "In your face!" and since I can be feisty at times, I like that one.
Another is to get on my knees & look to the Lord to deposit in my spirit Joy that doesn't relate to my circumstances. Joy that can only come from Him. Because whatever is happening in my life wouldn't get a joyful response.

Another way I find Joy in Him, is to thank Him.

I can just close my eyes & thank Him.
Thank Him for Angie's sweet smile, the way her nose crunches up & she just laughs her heart out. The way she is growing into a young woman who loves God & is beginning to trust Him with her heart. Thank Him for the way Lana loves her sisters. And I mean loves, with a free abandon. She just doesn't care, when she's lovin on her Nomi, she is gonna love her like there's no tomorrow. And speaking of Nomi girl, I can't help but thank Him for this little girl who is so full of life. She is the silliest & cutest little creature you'd ever lay your eyes on. She just wants to make you laugh & she always does. She is a bringer of joy. And then there my Hope...oh God....thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for the toothless grins....
Thank you for the sleepless nights...
Thank you for the soft skin...
Thank you for the coos & goos....
Thank you for the restoration...
Thank you for life....

So, you see....thankfulness....it's a choice. Just like joy is a choice.
And my God, He is good in all circumstances.
And I choose to be joyful, to thank Him, to forever praise Him.

A Date With Crying

I am so overwhelmed with hurt today. My heart feels crushed & my soul feels weakened. I have a lot of "stuff" goin on & I suppose that makes me extra sensitive. But over all I'm feelin I'm gonna need a serious cry fest soon.
Do you know what I mean?
This may sound gross but it's all I can think of to compare...vomit.
Yep.
Ya know how when something you've eaten doesn't agree with you & as much as you hate it you just know you're gonna hafta...well
...remove the contents of your stomach.
That's how I'm feeling.
Except, it's soul vomit, (my friend came up with that literary gem)
I have all these feelings swirling around inside me & I'm starting to feel, well...sick!!
Sick with hurt, sick with pain, sick with anguish!!
It's been over 2 years since Isaac went to Heaven & almost 2 since we said goodbye to sweet Hannah Girl.
And yet, here I am.
Hurting.
I know it gets better, I know it doesn't always feel so raw. Really, I do.
But today it's really really raw.
And what's bugging me is I can't pinpoint what set me off. Usually there is some event or I see a soon to be mama & her swelling belly & I'm thrown back in time. But today I can find nothing to tell me why I'm feeling so sad.
Now, I don't want you to think I'm some perfectly pulled together woman with my feelings in check all the time. Me with my neat little ducks, all lined up in there emotionally recovered rows. And now all of a sudden I'm hurting a bit.
That's just not true.

I think of Isaac & Hannah............EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And probably will for the rest of my life. At least I hope to.
But back to the crying.
I know deep down to the tips of my toes that it's coming. And just like in my little gross analogy...I can't stop it. It's going to come outta me & it can be totally out of control & a mess or I can make a date with it I suppose.
Is that weird? To make a date with crying? To "control" it?
Well, I suppose it's both weird & good.
Hey! It's weird good.
That pretty much encompasses my character =)
Again, back to crying.
I think it's good, for me to schedule my overboard, hysterical, moaning, anguish filled weeping.
Good, because when I let it out, it really is a torrential storm & nothing but God can calm it.
Weird to you?
Because well, maybe you've never been where I'm at today.
But, that's OK. Because I get the feeling you can relate.
So, anyway I'm gonna head to my Ipod. I'm gonna set up my "make me cry" playlist (yea, I actually made one for this very reason) I'm gonna get my bible out & read through the Psalms with my Jesus.
And I'm gonna cry.