Thankfulness...

After losing my Isaac & Hannah, I found it very very difficult to be thankful, for much of anything. It would just drive me bonkers when people would say "well, just be thankful for the ones you've got"
OOooOOHHHhhh!!!
That got under my skin something fierce!
I know each & every time someone said that to me it was simply because they didn't understand, they didn't understand that it hurt to hear those words.
Why?
Because, I was thankful. Probably more thankful than I'd ever been that my other 3 girls were alive & healthy. Thankful that only 18 months earlier God allowed my sweet Nomi girl to be born this side of Heaven. That in His grace I have these children with me here.
But, it was still so very hard to be thankful because He had taken Isaac & Hannah. And I wanted them here with me. I wanted more time with them, I wanted to get to know them. And I was NOT THANKFUL that they were gone & that the other 3 were here.
Now, it's not that I DIDN'T want my healthy princesses.
It just felt like a comparison. Like I wasn't being allowed to grieve & had to hurry up & find something to be happy about.
Does that make any sense or am I rambling???

Well, I didn't "hurry up & get happy"....far from it.
In fact, I'm still struggling with being joyful in all circumstances. So, I'm going to do what God calls me to do which is "choose joy"
Now, that's a whole lot different than "being happy"
Being happy is a feeling. That feeling dictates your thoughts, reactions, & choices.
Kinda like..."oh, I'm happy, having a good day, things are pretty much goin my way & that makes me happy & I'm gonna act happy now"
But joy, that's a choice.
Specifically, the Joy of the Lord.
See, when your having a bad day, I mean absolutely nothing is going your way. The Earth is literally crumbling beneath your feet & everything inside you is screaming to lay down & die...that's when you CHOOSE JOY.

Because the Joy of the Lord is your Strength. When your not choosing His joy, your not choosing His strength. Your choosing, in fact, to be weakened.
Really, telling myself this one. Because it's kinda like helloooo?? Tina?? Are you hearing yourself? Ya need, I mean really NEED to be joyful. How do you plan on gettin joyful??
Hmmmmm? Hmmmm?? Stop talkin the talk if you ain't willin to walk the walk.
OK, enough hollering at myself.
Yea, me myself & I have many conversations & we often go off on a tangent.
Sorry.
Well, after going through these trials. I've found a few different ways to "choose joy"
One is I say out loud "I'm choosing joy"...which works because it's kinda like sayin to satan "In your face!" and since I can be feisty at times, I like that one.
Another is to get on my knees & look to the Lord to deposit in my spirit Joy that doesn't relate to my circumstances. Joy that can only come from Him. Because whatever is happening in my life wouldn't get a joyful response.

Another way I find Joy in Him, is to thank Him.

I can just close my eyes & thank Him.
Thank Him for Angie's sweet smile, the way her nose crunches up & she just laughs her heart out. The way she is growing into a young woman who loves God & is beginning to trust Him with her heart. Thank Him for the way Lana loves her sisters. And I mean loves, with a free abandon. She just doesn't care, when she's lovin on her Nomi, she is gonna love her like there's no tomorrow. And speaking of Nomi girl, I can't help but thank Him for this little girl who is so full of life. She is the silliest & cutest little creature you'd ever lay your eyes on. She just wants to make you laugh & she always does. She is a bringer of joy. And then there my Hope...oh God....thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for the toothless grins....
Thank you for the sleepless nights...
Thank you for the soft skin...
Thank you for the coos & goos....
Thank you for the restoration...
Thank you for life....

So, you see....thankfulness....it's a choice. Just like joy is a choice.
And my God, He is good in all circumstances.
And I choose to be joyful, to thank Him, to forever praise Him.