Fear

With the holiday season approaching I have felt down but have recently decided I will not allow the depression to rule me. However, the fear creeps in to replace it. I'm sure you BLM's can relate, the fear that makes no sense & just washes over you.

Fear to let your husband drive away because maybe he won't come home.
Fear to let your child fall asleep because maybe he won't wake up.
Fear to watch your parent walk out the door because maybe she'll never return.

When you've gone through sudden death the fear is different...at least to me. It's not the fear of death I have as much as the fear of shock, the fear of anguish, the fear of emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness. That's been happening to me since the day I heard the words "no heartbeat"
Then once I "survived" burying my son, when I finally began to feel somewhat human again my life was torn to shreds by the words being uttered again.
"NO HEARTBEAT"
My worst fear had come to pass. My Hannah who was supposed to live, she was supposed to bring the laughter back to my lifeless body.

She died.

But how could that be??
Wasn't God supposed to protect me from my terror? Wasn't He supposed to hide me underneath the shadow of His wing?
The boogy man had come & attacked & was God sitting idly by allowing such havoc???

All these questions continue to raid my mind from time to time, the holidays make me ripe for the picking. I am so vulnerable to the wiles of satan but thank God I'm becoming more aware to the assault. I'm seeing that if satan can get me to question God more & more, then I will focus on myself & my circumstances instead of the truth of who God is, thus making me even more vulnerable. You see the enemy doesn't come to bug, bother, & irritate. He comes to STEAL, KILL, & DESTROY.
His main purpose is to crush me...and YOU....into oblivion. And as lowly as it is he will use the death of our children to do it. He will take the precious sweet innocent lives of these perfect babies & use them against us.
Against God.

It really is offensive isn't it??

I stand by the fact that there will always be questions in my mind for God & why He took Isaac & Hannah. And honestly, I'm still mad. Still hurt. Still disappointed.
And yes...I still get very afraid.
However, I will not cling to fear, I will cling to my God. When the fear washes over me...because it will, I will hold fast to His word. He will never leave me nor will He forsake me. He loves me & He will protect me. Even in the worse pit I found myself in & my darkest days when there was little if any hope, He was there. So I will continue to believe in the shelter of the Most High God, He is my hiding place & my fortress.

Isaiah 41:10 (New King James Version)

¹⁰ Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

This is a wonderful post about loss & learning to trust again through the fear.

http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/2010/11/learning-to-trust-again.html