Christmas in Heaven

Today was a bit difficult for me. I went to the cemetery. See, I haven't been there for a while, truth is, it's been months. I dealt with a lot, I mean A LOT of guilt because I haven't gone. But honestly, I couldn't. I can't put it into words exactly but I suppose my heart just couldn't bear it. But today was the day, there was no getting around the "pull" on my heart strings & I knew if I ignored that urge I'd regret it.
So in this terrible Chicago winter weather, I put on my oh so snazzy snow boots, gloves, hat, & scarf. And waddled my way across the snow.
With every word in my vocabulary I can't convey how painful it was to walk up to where I normally sit on the green grass & sing & talk to my babies & find nothing but snow.
Cold, harsh, unwelcoming snow.
I had to get down & dig around to find they're little headstones, as I fought back icy tears & again...overwhelming guilt.
I kept thinking, "how could I have done this? How could I have waited so long?"
I left them little angels in wreaths that I made for them, gave them kisses, & trudged back to my warm van.
Then I proceeded to cry & hiccup for a good long time. I regretted coming alone & not bringing Dan with me.
Oh, how I regretted not having the man I love more than anything on this planet with me. I wanted his arms around me so bad & it hurt so much sitting there alone.
Through blurry tears I stared at the snow covered cemetery & realized I wasn't alone.
The one who loves me more than I can comprehend, He was there.
I realized He was holding me.
I started to calm down some & began to think of my Isaac. I looked again at the snow, only a few minutes ago it was so oppressive. But now all I could see was Isaac laughing & squealing away as he played in it.
I wondered " what does the snow taste like in Heaven?"
My Isaac knows.

As my thoughts started to shift so many questions popped in my head.
What's Christmas like in Heaven?
Are they're gifts?
Do they sing carols?
Are they're Christmas trees?
Do they have stockings hung by the chimney?
Are they're chimneys????

All these questions gave me a new sense of anticipation, what will it be like? When I'm there? With my beautiful babies....

Well, I'm not real certain about the decorations & chimneys.
But I am certain of one thing, the gift of Jesus.
I believe with all my heart & soul that My Isaac & Hannah are celebrating Jesus.
I believe choirs of Angels are praising Jesus.
Because He is worthy to be praised.
I see my sweet ones smiling & raising they're wee hands to Him in worship.
Celebrating they're Savior.

So, with a refreshed spirit, I thank God, the lover of my soul for giving me a small window into the world that is Heaven....

Oh! And thanks for making snow angels with my Lil Angels!

Merry Christmas Isaac & Hannah, my little butterflies, Mama loves you....

Still...

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. REVELATION 21:4


Today I worked on a basket for a mommy like me. A mommy who has a broken heart & empty arms.
For some reason today was difficult. Most times when I work on a basket I feel Gods hands on mine, creating a gentle healing for one who is grieving.
But as I said, it was difficult. There were normal kinks to work through, this is missing or that didn't come out "just so".
However, I prayed & God helped me get it all done. I felt really good knowing this Mommy would receive the basket in Gods perfect timing.
So what was my problem?
How come I still felt burdened?
At first I thought "oh well, it must be the basket, it must be stirring up some hurt" But in my heart I knew that wasn't right, the baskets always bring healing to my own wounds.
So what was it?
All day, there was this nagging at my soul & I couldn't pinpoint it. I know Christmas & all the holidays have their difficult moments. I'm working on the nursery & know that has been painful.
But this, this was like a dull pounding ache in my heart.
Then I remembered...Hannah.
Had my sweet Hannah lived she would be turning one in just a few short weeks.
I would be planning her big party, looking for a fluffy dress, & ordering a cake. Angie would probably be making some cookies & the girls would be eager to attempt blowing up balloons.

But...I don't get to do that. I get none of that.
And today my heart gently & quietly spoke her name...Hannah.

Days like today aren't as frequent as they had been. Days when I feel the crushing blow of knowing my babies are gone. But when they come, the pain is like a hurricane.
Suddenly, I'm thrown back in time & it hurts all over again.
I sit & cry & cry & long for her in my arms, I ask God to let me feel her again, to let me see her, if only for a moment.
I weep inside my soul where I didn't know tears were allowed.

In my heart & mind the question comes again, "WHY?"
I start to feel the sadness wash over me & wonder will it ever stop? I begin to feel I'm at the beginning of this road & that it is going to consume me once again. I start to wonder if I will really survive the pain & how am I going to do this?

Then God does as He always does, He runs swiftly to me, picks me up, carries me.
Like a good father, He is gentle. Allowing me to cry & hurt as He kisses my fore head & reminds me that all will be OK.
He reminds me that there will be a day of no more tears & all my pain will be washed away. That one day I will hold my children & they will tell me all about the wonderful things Jesus has shown them.

When I asked Him how am I to get through today? How am I to get through the hurts when they come back demanding my attention?
He turned my eyes to my Hannah again. In a moment I was looking down at her little headstone, where it reads

"BE STILL, & KNOW I'M GOD"

Anger & Compassion

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10

I have to be honest today, I'm not even somewhat joyful right now. No birds singing, no sun shining, no smiling faces. I'm angry....
I need to just go somewhere & scream, why is it that you can be living your day & all of a sudden...WHAM! The past just hits you so hard that for a moment you can't breathe???
I don't want to feel this way again, GOD!!! I don't want to feel this way!

But, here I am,
angry...questioning...wondering...

Let me back up so I make some kind of sense.
I'm 7 & 1/2 months pregnant now (smile) & so in love with this little girl, I can't wait to meet her. To hold her, smell her, kiss her, I want to study every inch of her & get to know everything about her, I want to LIVE with her.
So, with getting closer to the end of pregnancy comes the time to start getting prepared. Time to start thinking about clothes, diapers, bottles & getting the nursery ready.

Well, you see, I've done nothing...zip.

This is supposed to be an exciting time, but for me, it's ripping my heart out. I did get the nursery ready for Hannah & Isaac too. And both times, I had no one to place in that crib. Do you know how lonely a rocking chair is when you hold emptiness in your arms??

But, no matter how much the past screams at me, the future is swiftly becoming my present & my little girl will need a room when she comes home. So this past Saturday, Dan & I decided, this is it, we need to start on this room. The thing of it is, is has become a "catch all" for everything I didn't want to clean or put away. So for the past few days I've been going through papers, books, bags of clothes.
Every now & then I find something so sweet, like a little picture from Alana she drew that says "I love you Mommy, Love Alana"
That was real nice to find, or finding Dans cast from when he broke his leg when he was 7 months old. I can't believe he was ever so tiny!

But then there's the things I find that are better left lost.

Like a business card from the funeral director...
Paperwork from the hospital I delivered my sweet babies at...
Little tiny dresses that Hannah never had the chance to wear...

So here I am, angry.
Angry that I'm feeling this pain & loss again. Angry that my children had to die. Angry that I'm ANGRY!!!
I want to feel that peace again, the peace that makes no sense in the midst of the hurt & hot tears. The peace that doesn't have words, the peace that just...is
But I suppose God allows me to get angry from time to time right? I mean it's not as if He expects me to always be happy & for nothing to ever bother me. He's not that way, He's not a "jolly ole St. Nick God" who never feels pain & yes even anger. I think about when His son died. He was a father who was broken, pained, & angry.
So I believe He understands, I believe He's patient & can handle all my questions & wondering. I don't just 'believe' it, I know it, deep in the recesses of my heart. He has compassion for me because He is familiar with my suffering. I also believe that I need to talk to Him & be honest about my feelings or I could very well lose my mind to bitterness & lose my heart to callousness.

So this is me being honest...
today, I'm not OK..today I'm angry. But I will bring that anger to God, seeking His compassion, knowing that He loves me & will hold me & carry me through the pain.

Imagine

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4


I've been thinking a lot...
about Heaven.

What it's really like?

As I've grown older & gone though the different seasons of life my perspective changed.
As a child I couldn't begin to grasp the magnitude of Heaven.
I would think of golden streets & everything was sparkly & pretty. I knew I liked the idea of playing with tigers & asking David if he was really scared of Goliath. But beyond that I couldn't get my young mind to really think on it. I kinda wondered what the big deal was ya know?
My father would sit me down & smile in wonderment at the prospect of Heaven, asking me what will I do when I get there? I was just kinda like...um...play?

But, as I've gotten older, as I said, my perspective has changed.
To be honest, before last year, I didn't think about Heaven too much. I was too wrapped up in surviving life to think about death. That is until death came knocking at my door.

I began to think of Heaven in a whole new way. When I think of golden streets I also think of little bare feet. Running, I can hear the slapping of Isaac's feet as he runs & plays. I think of little chunky legs pumping back & forth as he chases after Hannah. I think of her squeals of delight as she tries to outrun her big brother.
I can't help but think of all the sweet wee ones that left us too soon, & they're pure joy.
Can you see them? Splashing in the water, riding on whales, as Angels sing their majestic song of worship.
Can you see Jesus laughing in sheer delight as He tosses lil ones in the air? Just as a father would...
Can you smell them, hear them, see them?
I can....

But, what I think of most when I think of Heaven, is Jesus.
The lover of my soul, my friend, my safe place, my Savior.
I think of walking beside Him, holding His wounded hand, feeling that peace that surpasses my understanding.
I think of Him wiping away my tears & healing me.
I think of being in His Holy presence & my heart skips...what will it really be like?
I've had so many ideas throughout the years of what Heaven truly is.
From a child's mind, to a mothers broken heart, & finally to the Daughter of the One True King.
I believe I finally get it, Heaven is beyond all I can imagine, it's beyond all I can fathom or comprehend.
But of one thing I am certain...
Heaven is Jesus.

My Hiding Place

Have mercy on me, Oh God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. Psalm 57:1

I've been hiding. Hiding in my pain, hiding in my doubt, hiding from God. Sometimes the pain gets so overwhelming that I run like a child afraid of thunder. Slamming & locking the door behind me not allowing anyone to see my tears. Afraid. I've been feeling the anguish that penetrates deep into the recesses of your soul. You see yesterday was Hannah's heavenly birthday. And although I never once lost my composure my heart screamed out, my soul wept, my spirit mourned. I went about my day as if nothing were different. I had children that had places to go & dinner that needed to be cooked, it felt good to stay busy...to hide.
However, I found that you can keep your hands moving, & your feet rushing but your mind, it roams where it wants. It remembers & demands to be acknowledged.
So here I am today, broken.
Thinking of my Hannah, wishing I could smell the back of her neck, longing to feel my lips against her cheek, sweet Hannah.
In this abyss I find myself in I ask God "why??? Why my Hannah? Why me???" I ask & ask so many questions as my heart screams. I cry in wonder that He could take my child, that He allowed me to hurt in a way no mother should experience.
I feel anger & hurt like I haven't felt in a very long time & am shocked that these feelings are even there. Will it ever stop? God?
The feelings & thoughts are crushing & closing in on me & the pain is so fresh again. I want to run, I want to hide. But wherever I go, wherever I turn, the pain is waiting. Waiting to wash over me & pull me under, it wants to consume me.
Finally I see there is nowhere to hide. There is no refuge for my weary heart.
But is that true? Is there really nowhere I can hide? Nowhere I can find rest?
Oh but there is, I've forgotten. Oh God forgive me...have mercy on me, let me hide in you Lord. I am broken before you, fragments of my heart are too many to count. My soul cries out for your healing. Let me run into your waiting arms & weep, give me rest. Refresh me Oh God, restore my joy & make me new.
I will trust in your unfailing love, I will believe in your goodness & majesty. I will trust in you, for you Oh God are my hiding place...

God's Mercy

I lift my eyes up to the hills-where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,The maker of Heaven & Earth
Psalm 121:1-2

Let me try to convey my heart today...
At 1 pm I started having light spotting, I looked at what I believed was the beginning of the end of my sweet lil ones time with me. I cried & called the Dr who told me to come in right away. With my history they were very understanding & gentle with me. I called Dan & hated to tell the man I love the same words I said 18 months ago when Isaac was leaving us.
The drive to the hospital was silent & surreal. Neither Dan or myself could speak, we were frozen in fear with tear streaked faces. With terrible familiar feelings. Driving into downtown Chicago wondering why? Pained as I walked through the hospital & saw people laughing & carrying on with their day. Feeling the need to run away.
The moment came where I was told to lay down for the ultrasound, my heart & soul screamed.
Not again, I can't do this again! I can't look at that screen & see that still baby, that still heart. Please God, Please God. All I could say over & over was PLEASE GOD...
He answered...He came quickly to my rescue.
My sweet lil one is alive...
The Dr doesn't know why I spotted or why it stopped. But I do, God laid His hands on me, God laid His hands on this baby. He heard the prayers of His many saints who came on our behalf before His throne. He heard our cries for this life & poured His mercy on us.
For a long time I couldn't even speak, I was just silent in His presence. Once again in awe of His love for me, in awe of my love for Him.
I still feel silent before Him, as though words aren't big enough to express my heart. I have a joy & peace inside me I've never felt before. God allowed us to witness our sweet & precious child jumping around. I'd like to think he or she was praising God at that moment. Joyful before his maker.
This has been a winding path that sometimes leaves me with skinned knees & a fearful heart. But God lights my path just enough to follow Him. The key is to lift my eyes to Him, when terror strikes my heart, to remember where my help comes from.
The Maker of Heaven & Earth...and babies too.

Hope

For I know the plans I have for you decalres the Lord, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE & a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I have wonderful hope, because the Lord has blessed us yet again with another child.Praise God!! I hope in the Lord that this child will come to term & live a fruitful life for His Kingdom.
There are moments of fear & doubt, moments when I feel the waves of the unknown crashing down around me. Moments when I feel that all is too good to be true. But in those moments I have to remind myself of His word. That He has plans for me, hope, & a future.
You see, as much as I hate to admit it, if God chooses to take this baby to live eternally with Him, if I have to wait to meet this one til I go home to heaven, well, that's His plan. And although I may not understand it, that plan has hope. Now, don't think I'm just throwing my hands up & saying "oh well, whatever God does is OK with me"
If you know me at all then you know I'm the kicking & screaming type=)
But I know He'll sustain me wherever He leads me.
I choose to believe & hope.
To hope that God lets us hold this little one...
To hope my mother kisses her grandbaby...
To hope our daughters will see the mercy & goodness of God...
To hope that I will see the joy on Dan's face when he looks for the first time at his child...
To hope & never stop hoping....