Why?

I can not tell you why I'm here. Why I'm in so much pain right now. All I can say is that it is crushing me. God, why does this hafta happen? Why can't it just never hurt again? Is that selfish? Am I wicked??
It's been soooo long. Is that why it's hurting so terrible right now? My little man has been gone 2 years 5 months & 6 days. That's a long time, a really long time. So many smiles I've missed, so many kisses I've not given, so many dreams I wished. He's my one & only son. Oh how that rips at my soul, my son.
God, I need you here, right now, holding me because I'm having one of those moments where it's like a truck slammed into me...again.
I know these days are fewer & farther between but I'm always thrown down to the ground, mashed into little bits...when they do come.
Somehow God always prepares me though.
I've been tryin to memorize Psalm 31:1-5. Right now I have the first verse stuck in my head...

1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.

I am hurting so I am hiding in the refuge of the only one who can & will deliver me. I will cling to Him, I will cling to His truth.