Not Good

I can honestly say I'm not doing great right now. I'm feeling quite down. I have all sorts of swirling emotions & I refuse to just stay in this "place" & be depressed. But, I'm feeling altogether down & can't get a grasp on why. I guess it's the holiday season approaching. I'm just not into it. Thanksgiving is right around the corner & every evening after dinner we express gratitude. Yesterday, we played the "I spy" thankfulness game. The girls had lots of fun keeping us guessing trying to figure out what they were thankful for. Tonight, we picked someone at the table & said one thing we were grateful for. Those moment feel sweet but they kinda hurt. I feel like I'm being ungrateful for saying that but it's true. Isaac should be 2!! Two years old! He should be rambling some sweet little baby talk to us. He should be here & he's not. And it really sucks.
Christmas is so painful. I love Christmas morning & it's so crazy around here with wrapping paper & giggles. But it's the days leading up to it. It's the shopping. I always feel so guilty for not buying anything for Isaac & Hannah. I mean I get them a little something for their headstones but that is really twisted ya know??
I mean hear I am buying baby dolls & puzzles for my other kids & I am spending hours, no! days looking for the "perfect" something for my children in a cemetery. How messed up is that? I mean what do you say to the saleslady "ummm...I need something for my daughter, she died 2 years ago & I never got to know her so I'm not sure what she would like, what do you suggest???"
It's just not fair....
I've never bought an ornament for Isaac & Hannah. Nothing was right. Nothing was good enough.
I've not bought any ornaments since Christmas 2007. This year I think I'm just gonna buy a family ornament & include them. I think that'll make me feel better.
A little....
At least in that family "picture" all my babies will be there.

Who am I??

Is this really me? This isn't what I signed up for, my dream for years was to have lots of children. But not this way, not with 2 in Heaven. Am I really "that lady" who's children died???
Am I the woman you see crying at the cemetery? Am I really the woman who smiles but always carries the ache of holding a lifeless body in my arms??
Why is this me?
This is not supposed to be me!!!
I'm supposed to be the one that doesn't understand " that smiles awkwardly not knowing what to say"
I'm not the one who receives the strange crooked smile with no words behind it & the look of pity. Oh, how I truly loathe that look!
Well, in case you haven't noticed I'm in a bad mood today. Honestly, I had no idea that 30 day challenge would be so....well, CHALLENGING!!
It made me think of feelings that hurt & feelings that are unfair & unwanted.
I do not want to know what it is like to bury my child. Wait I mean children!!
Recently someone told me I've been snippy lately & maybe your thinking I should be offended but let me clarify that this is someone who has been more than supportive in my loss OK?
And guess what? I am snippy, I'm really freakin angry when I stop & think about it. I mean most days are good but other days there's this searing red hot anger in there ready to burst forth & destroy.
So, yea~I'm snippy.
And I needed to hear that because I think I was ready to lose it on people I love.
I'm somewhat upset with God again, it comes back & forth in waves. Usually, I can deal with it quickly, I say "God, I'm mad at you....again, why did you take Isaac & Hannah? Please help me not to be mad at you Lord because the only way to survive is with YOU"
But, this time I didn't do that & now I don't feel so great.
Honestly, I'm really glad for who God is & the way HE talks to me, Tina.
Because He knows I'll avoid Him because once I really open up I'll start crying & hurting & I hate the build up of that. I know that afterwards I'll feel better but it's the dread of being weak. I'm not good at that.
Anyway, I was on FB & saw that my friend blogged & I read it. Her post moved my heart but what took me by surprise was the song that was playing, Selah~All My Praise.
I've heard this song countless times & I enjoy it each & every time but these words jumped out at me:

I will follow you through dark disaster

And sing hallelujah through the pain

Even in the shadow of death I will praise

Even in the valley I will say

Holy, my God

You are worthy of all my praise


I had to stop right there & pray, I wept before my God & cried to Him how much I love Him & how very sorry I am. I'm sorry because in my hurt anger & pride I intentionally pushed Him away. I still am angry but not at Him. I'm angry because my children died & that merits being angry. It's a good reason to be upset. I'm angry because dreams I had for them are not going to be fulfilled. I'm angry because my 3 girls had to survive the death of their siblings & I couldn't protect them from that.
But am I mad at God???
NO.
Will I feel mad at Him again? Probably.
But, I will not let it go too far again. Because He is holy, & He is worthy to be praised. I will praise Him with a broken heart, I will praise Him with a tear streaked face, I will praise Him because he is MY GOD.

30 Posts in 30 Days.....Day 27

Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.

My worst habit by far is not sleeping.
When Isaac died in February of '08 I stopped sleeping. I always had that problem when I would get upset about something, I just couldn't sleep. I'd lie in bed tossing, turning, & thinking. But with Isaac it was different. I stopped eating & drank a pot of coffee everyday, mind you I didn't drink coffee before. I didn't eat until I was completely famished & weak and then I'd only eat enough to get by. I would stay up all night watching TV, I just didn't want to face tomorrow. I dreaded that moment of opening my eyes to the reality of my son's death. I wouldn't sleep until I was completely exhausted & even then I fought it.
Once Hannah died it was much worse, there were times I stayed awake til God brought the sun up. Now, I still have the same problem. I can't say I don't sleep because of the loss of my children it's just become a terrible habit that is hard to break because I associate sleep with the pain I endured at that time. So, it's definitely dysfunctional & myself, as well as my family is hurt by it. I don't function well on lack of sleep, does anybody??
Therefore, I'm not 100% for my children. And considering I have young ones they need so much of my time & it's hard to give.
I find that for me avoiding sleep is avoiding feelings somehow. If I'm too tired the next day then I have a lot of excuses for my behavior.
Somehow, it's very difficult for me to just rip off the band aid & go to bed. I've been doing this over 2 years now, I'm better~I don't stay up til 2 AM every night but I think I would if I could.
I wish I could say I have some awesome game plan for this dysfunction but I don't. I guess I really oughta start praying about it.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 16

Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).

It took me all of 2 seconds to think of the answer to this.

Biko Mono Ve (Pass Me Not , O Gentle Savior) It Is Well With My Soul by Selah

When I learned of Isaac's death I went immediately back to Hymns. I grew up listening to Hymns & they brought me such comfort in a time of great pain. It was almost like God Himself was singing to me. At some point Dan & I decided we wanted a song played at Isaac's funeral & we chose this one. I borrowed the CD from my mom & felt somewhat prepared. I wanted to be a witness to others like Horatio Spafford, who penned "It Is Well With My Soul" after losing his 4 daughters in a tragic accident.
However, the morning of Isaac's funeral my soul was far from well. I felt if that song was played it would be a lie. My soul was in anguish & was not at peace.
Instead, Dan & I chose "Be Still My Soul" by Selah.
It was more fitting for where we were emotionally that horrible day.
That's another one that makes me cry...of course.

Honestly, this is a very difficult post for me, I added the links to the songs & had to listen to them to make sure they were the right ones. I'm sitting at the computer right now & want to fall in a heap on the floor & just cry.

Oh my babies, how Mama misses you. I ache for you, my arms are lonely without you. One day, we will be together & what a wonderful day that will be.
Until then, I'm incomplete....you hold a piece of my heart.
Your feet never touched the earth but you changed my life forever.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 14

Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

Well, I don't have one. Not that I can think of at least. I did mention in my post from Day 4 several books I like & highly recommend on pregnancy loss.

~~~~~~~

On another note, today is kind of a rough one for me. I'm really missing Isaac & Hannah and it's a "on the verge of tears" day. I feel like getting under the covers & hiding. But I can't. I really hate when these days come. I want the pain to stop but then again I know it never will & it's part of what makes me Tina.
Sometimes I feel like I think & talk about my little butterflies too much. That I should just "get over it"
I know other BLM moms who appear to be living life without going backwards. I'm certain they hurt but it's more private & at times I feel my public pain is inappropriate. But, I really believe that's a lie from satan. Right from the pit of hell.
I say that because others' have told me how encouraged & inspired they are by my story~so I'm going to keep telling it. And everyday, my story continues & today is a hurting day. I will not pretend I'm OK.
I will not be silent.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 4

Day 4~Your Favorite Book, has it changed since my Loss?

Wow, really? I can't say that I have one favorite book. I mean I'm a girl who was raised to read. I ALWAYS have a book in my hand. I love cook books & can never read enough of them, desert books, slow cooker books, soul food books...you name it, I've got it.
However, I do read a lot more about loss & grieving. The first book I read after losing Isaac was titled "Safe In The Arms of God" by John MacArthur. This was really a very comforting book because it helped me scripturally "back up" what I was believing about my Isaac being in Heaven with God. Not just saying "oh, he's in a better place"
After Hannah died a good BLM friend gave me 3 books, "In A Heartbeat" by Dawn Waltman, "Grieving The Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg, & "I'll Hold You In Heaven, Remembrance Book" by Debbie Heydrick.
These are very helpful books but if I had to pick one to recommend I would say I'll Hold You In Heaven helped me the most in dealing with the emotional roller coaster I found myself on.
Each chapter has a journal entry that asks questions of you that maybe are to difficult to ask yourself. There's also scripture, prayer, & song lyrics throughout the book.
However, I must stick to the question at hand & be sincere with you, I truly believe my favorite book before I became the mother of Angel Babies is the same as it is now.
The Book of Psalms.
This Book in God's Word completes my soul. So many times I ran to His word. I ran to the Psalms & hid there....

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth...Psalm 121 1-2
When I couldn't sleep He gave me rest...

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety...Psalm 4:8

He gave me Hope...

I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. I will praise you in the presence of your saints....Psalm 52:9

So with that I can confidently say that if I was stranded on a desert island & had only one book to bring it would be the book of Psalms.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 3

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

Well, as strange as this is...the answer to that is Scrubs. Ya know the comedy about interns in a hospital??
Well, like I said in my previous post, Dan & I couldn't sleep...or better said~I couldn't sleep. Dan has & probably always been a night owl, I tried to avoid sleep as much as I could. Looking back now it was extremely dysfunctional. We would stay up hours on end watching episode after episode (DVD rentals) drinking coffee.
Now Dan thought nothing of this new behavior in me, in fact he liked it, he now had a night time buddy. But I was trying to avoid lying down in the stillness of my bed & thinking. Hurting.
So I would stay up til 2 or 3 in the morning watching Scrubs.
Well, I can't say it so much "helped" me but it did soften the blow by giving me a way to numb out til I was ready to "feel"
And like "One Night With The King" I CAN NOT nor do I have any desire to watch scrubs ever again. In fact when I hear the music it instantly depresses me.
So, I can say that if there were a television program associated with losing my Isaac, this would be it~~but it's not a good feeling that goes along with it.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 2

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.

The day of Isaac's funeral my sister organized an invitation to family & friends to come by our home. I hadn't thought of that but she did & I'm more than grateful. I shudder at the thought of having come home to an empty house. After everyone left Dan & I couldn't sleep so we decided to watch a movie.
We decided on "One Night With The King"
The movie is kind of a blend between fiction & non fiction. It's the story of Esther, how she came to be Queen of Persia. It's also a love story & quite beautiful. The whole movie I was on another planet. A planet where my tummy was still growing with Isaac inside me & life was good. In other words I was using the movie to totally numb my feelings. However, the movie ended & I was stuck in reality. Something that hit me & devastated me was the realization that my son would never fall in love. That he wouldn't experience the sweaty palms & butterflies in the stomach. That I would never see him walk up the aisle or hold his children in my arms.
That night I cried deeply for the first time since I was told my son was gone. I cried so hard I scared Dan. I cried so hard that the neighbors heard.
My heart still hurts at the thought of all those losses. And you couldn't pay me to watch that movie ever again in my lifetime.
I love you my Isaac....

30 Posts in 30 Days....

My good friend & fellow blogger posted about this idea she found, check out her blog. She's an amazing woman. Anyway, the concept is for 30 days I answer one question about myself. With October being Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month I thought I'd use my friends modified questions in relation to losing Isaac & Hannah. I know it's already October 4th & I could back track some but it's no biggie, we'll just travel a few days into November K?

Day 1~ A song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore & why.

I have quite a few, so many. Two that pop out are "All That I can Say" by David Crowder Band & "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.
After Hannah died I was just so crushed, I mean we survived burying Isaac, how in the world could God take another child from us. How could he expect me to be anything more than a shell of a human being?? I felt like He'd forgotten me & I was so completely weakened. I felt there was nothing left inside of me & every single breathe I took was a struggle to live. The song "All That I can Say" reminds me of that pain & it's very difficult to listen to now. It's one of my "crying songs"
It's one of the songs I listen to when I've been bottling up my hurt waaaay too long & need to "pour out"
These are the lyrics to that song.

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark Is creeping in
Creeping up To swallow me
I think I'll stop & rest here a while

This is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you set it down

And this is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that That was You washing my feet


The last part of the song always brings me back. I remember that my God was there when I held Isaac for the first & last time. When I kissed my Sweet Hannah's face & never saw her again. When I wept & groaned...He was there, & He was crying too.

The other song "I Can Only Imagine" reminds me of the truth. When I hear it I can close my tear filled eyes & think of my Isaac & Hannah & what it'll be like to hold them. To smell their sweet skin, kiss they're chubby cheeks, & hold they're little hands. Oh the day when Jesus will hold me close & wipe away the tears, when He'll heal my wounded heart & bring me in His glory.

Homesick

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now~~~~~Homesick by Mercy Me

Memories of 9/11

9/11 was the most horrific event I'd ever witnessed. I remember when I heard, where I was, how I felt. It was truly terrifying. I had just walked my daughter to the bus stop & my mother called & told me to switch the TV on, she kept repeating "we're being attacked, we're being attacked"
I turned on the television in time to see the second plane crash into the tower. I ran & woke Dan saying the same words my mother had just told me "we're being attacked"
The entire day was surreal, a mixture of anger, fear, & sadness. I just couldn't believe what was happening, how could this happen? On American soil?
Why did this happen?
We all remember that, it was tragic. It is a shared wound of the American people.
Two years ago today, I sat at this computer. I felt so burdened & hurt for the families that had lost loved ones. I wanted to somehow be an encouragement & remind others to be an encouragement as well. I looked for some way to share my heart & decided to post a video on Facebook.
I can't tell you exactly why years after the attacks I felt so freshly wounded but I believe it was because I'd recently buried my son. The pain of losing him in the womb was so unbearable I couldn't imagine the anguish 9/11 parents felt.
I then got off the computer & went about my day, I moved on, I continued to live.

The next day I was told my daughter was dead.

My world as I knew it came crashing down around me. How could this be? Why was this happening? To me??
Again???
I remember as I lay there, I decided she wasn't dead. The Dr was simply wrong, the machine was broken. I sat up, looked at Dan & said "no, she's not dead, there's something wrong with that thing" pointing at the ultrasound screen. "That thing is old & it's wrong"
He gently tried to comfort me & tell me she was in fact gone. I replied "no, she's sick, there's something wrong with her heart, but she is NOT DEAD"
Again, this amazing man, held me & gently told me she was gone.
As he continued to softly repeat the truth to me I felt as though my heart was coming to a standstill itself, I felt I was dying. Honestly, part of me did die that day. There is a piece of my heart that is gone & it will not be whole until I see Hannah's face again.
I know that what I endured is not the same as those that lived through the attacks of 9/11.
However, I do feel a sense of understanding.
I now know the shock of hearing dreaded words that crush the heart. I know the bittersweet feelings of seeing my child's name etched on a stone marker. I know the pain of saying "goodbye"

My heart aches today, it aches for all the families that are remembering smiles they no longer see, laughter they no longer hear, & hands they no longer hold.
My heart aches for all the mothers I've come to know through my losses. My heart aches for all the smiles we never saw, the laughter we never heard, & the little hands we long to hold again.
What I will hold onto as I walk through this day & the days ahead is the promise of my Sovereign Holy God...

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Revelation 21:4 (KJV)

Why?

I can not tell you why I'm here. Why I'm in so much pain right now. All I can say is that it is crushing me. God, why does this hafta happen? Why can't it just never hurt again? Is that selfish? Am I wicked??
It's been soooo long. Is that why it's hurting so terrible right now? My little man has been gone 2 years 5 months & 6 days. That's a long time, a really long time. So many smiles I've missed, so many kisses I've not given, so many dreams I wished. He's my one & only son. Oh how that rips at my soul, my son.
God, I need you here, right now, holding me because I'm having one of those moments where it's like a truck slammed into me...again.
I know these days are fewer & farther between but I'm always thrown down to the ground, mashed into little bits...when they do come.
Somehow God always prepares me though.
I've been tryin to memorize Psalm 31:1-5. Right now I have the first verse stuck in my head...

1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.

I am hurting so I am hiding in the refuge of the only one who can & will deliver me. I will cling to Him, I will cling to His truth.