Christmas Memories

I came across a post from Sufficient Grace Ministries sister site, Walking With You~Bereavement Support. It was about remembering our little ones in Heaven at Christmas.
I need to be totally honest, the thought of Christmas without Isaac & Hannah brings a terrible knot to my stomach. This is my 3rd year without them & the tension in me begins to rise. I start feeling an inner countdown to just survive the holiday.
Now, I think up till right now, at this moment, I've denied that. I really don't think even Dan knows how painful this time of the year is for me. There's a certain amount of guilt mixed in, like I oughta be more happy. It is Christmas after all, & we celebrate the birth of Christ so shouldn't I be really joyful??
Well, I haven't been, although I do smile & enjoy Advent & seeing the excitement on the kids faces, there's the continual dull ache inside me.
Well, this post I read at WWY really challenged me, I don't think that was Kelly's intention. Or maybe it was, but it challenged me.
How can I honor my babies??
In the past I've tried buying an ornament for both Isaac & Hannah but found nothing "good enough" for them. I would just roam the store for an hour & eventually leave sick & crying.
However, this year I was blessed to receive Wings from Angel Wings~Memorial Boutique
so I have some "ornaments" for my babies.

Here's a pic of them both

So I hung them on the tree & you know what? It felt really good!!
Then I read the post from WWY & my mind suddenly felt less fogged & cluttered & I realized my perspective has been all wrong!
Yes, my babies being gone is going to continue to give me that dull ache, maybe til the day I die.
Probably.
BUT......
I need to see this accurately, Christ came to save me. He came to bring me everlasting life through His death & Resurrection & through His overcoming death I not only have salvation, I will see Isaac & Hannah again!!
There will be a day when I will feel no more pain or hurt & I will rejoice in Heaven, praising my Savior. And I will be rejoicing WITH MY CHILDREN!!
Woo-hoo!! Pretty awesome isn't it???
That change in perspective really got me excited about making memories with my girls & including my little ones that are waiting in Heaven for me.
I thought maybe they would like to make ornaments for Isaac & Hannah, & maybe I'll make some stockings for them.
We could write Christmas letters to our babies & release them to Heaven tied to balloons.
There are so many things we could do.
I know it's still gonna be difficult but I think making a conscience effort to find joy in all circumstances will make a world of difference.

Mama loves you my Butterfly Babies....

Fear

With the holiday season approaching I have felt down but have recently decided I will not allow the depression to rule me. However, the fear creeps in to replace it. I'm sure you BLM's can relate, the fear that makes no sense & just washes over you.

Fear to let your husband drive away because maybe he won't come home.
Fear to let your child fall asleep because maybe he won't wake up.
Fear to watch your parent walk out the door because maybe she'll never return.

When you've gone through sudden death the fear is different...at least to me. It's not the fear of death I have as much as the fear of shock, the fear of anguish, the fear of emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness. That's been happening to me since the day I heard the words "no heartbeat"
Then once I "survived" burying my son, when I finally began to feel somewhat human again my life was torn to shreds by the words being uttered again.
"NO HEARTBEAT"
My worst fear had come to pass. My Hannah who was supposed to live, she was supposed to bring the laughter back to my lifeless body.

She died.

But how could that be??
Wasn't God supposed to protect me from my terror? Wasn't He supposed to hide me underneath the shadow of His wing?
The boogy man had come & attacked & was God sitting idly by allowing such havoc???

All these questions continue to raid my mind from time to time, the holidays make me ripe for the picking. I am so vulnerable to the wiles of satan but thank God I'm becoming more aware to the assault. I'm seeing that if satan can get me to question God more & more, then I will focus on myself & my circumstances instead of the truth of who God is, thus making me even more vulnerable. You see the enemy doesn't come to bug, bother, & irritate. He comes to STEAL, KILL, & DESTROY.
His main purpose is to crush me...and YOU....into oblivion. And as lowly as it is he will use the death of our children to do it. He will take the precious sweet innocent lives of these perfect babies & use them against us.
Against God.

It really is offensive isn't it??

I stand by the fact that there will always be questions in my mind for God & why He took Isaac & Hannah. And honestly, I'm still mad. Still hurt. Still disappointed.
And yes...I still get very afraid.
However, I will not cling to fear, I will cling to my God. When the fear washes over me...because it will, I will hold fast to His word. He will never leave me nor will He forsake me. He loves me & He will protect me. Even in the worse pit I found myself in & my darkest days when there was little if any hope, He was there. So I will continue to believe in the shelter of the Most High God, He is my hiding place & my fortress.

Isaiah 41:10 (New King James Version)

¹⁰ Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

This is a wonderful post about loss & learning to trust again through the fear.

http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/2010/11/learning-to-trust-again.html

Thanksgiving

The past few days have been a blur. I called it my "Turkey Run"
Thursday we went by my mama, Friday my in-laws, today my dad's.
I'm tired. I'm glad though, to have kept busy. I know, I know...when there's things to think about & "feel" you really should just feel it & not stay busy. But I kinda feel like God was making this choice for me, He reminded me of all there is to be grateful for. In my last post I wrote about how painful it is to talk about gratefulness WITHOUT my children here with me. And I'm not gonna change that, I feel more pain than words can express that Isaac & Hannah are not here.
But, I am grateful for so much. I'm so thankful God allowed me to carry them, I wish I could have kept them in my tummy a whole lot longer but the fact that I did get to feel them & hear their little hearts beating is wonderful. I actually got to hold them, to look at little Isaac's feet & hold Hannah's hand. I can still close my eyes & smell them. Isn't that amazing?? I never ever thought I'd bury two children but I am grateful that I was able to honor them with a funeral. That I have a place to go & leave them flowers & just sit & sing to them. I'm never going to be able to fully accept that my children died. God knows that & He knows me & I can't say that I know His mind in all this but I think He's OK with me not accepting it. I don't mean I'll be forever bitter & angry, I'm not. But, I'll never be able to say "OK, I'm over this now"
What will happen, what is happening is that I'm becoming OK with who I am. I am a mother who has two children who died.
AND I AM THANKFUL FOR THEM.
They are my babies & I'm proud & honored to be their Mama.
Isaac is my only son & although his feet never touched the Earth, he changed the world! Hannah is my princess & she makes me a better mommy. I think of both of these blessings, YES! I did say blessings & I'm so thankful that God would choose ME to tell their story. That He chose me to carry them & minister to others through their deaths.
This may not be the Thanksgiving I pictured but I will show gratitude for His good gifts. Even if their not wrapped up in the pretty paper I expected. My God is good & my children are beautiful & I thank Him for them.

Psalm 100: 1-5

¹ Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. ² Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. ³ Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. ⁵ For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Not Good

I can honestly say I'm not doing great right now. I'm feeling quite down. I have all sorts of swirling emotions & I refuse to just stay in this "place" & be depressed. But, I'm feeling altogether down & can't get a grasp on why. I guess it's the holiday season approaching. I'm just not into it. Thanksgiving is right around the corner & every evening after dinner we express gratitude. Yesterday, we played the "I spy" thankfulness game. The girls had lots of fun keeping us guessing trying to figure out what they were thankful for. Tonight, we picked someone at the table & said one thing we were grateful for. Those moment feel sweet but they kinda hurt. I feel like I'm being ungrateful for saying that but it's true. Isaac should be 2!! Two years old! He should be rambling some sweet little baby talk to us. He should be here & he's not. And it really sucks.
Christmas is so painful. I love Christmas morning & it's so crazy around here with wrapping paper & giggles. But it's the days leading up to it. It's the shopping. I always feel so guilty for not buying anything for Isaac & Hannah. I mean I get them a little something for their headstones but that is really twisted ya know??
I mean hear I am buying baby dolls & puzzles for my other kids & I am spending hours, no! days looking for the "perfect" something for my children in a cemetery. How messed up is that? I mean what do you say to the saleslady "ummm...I need something for my daughter, she died 2 years ago & I never got to know her so I'm not sure what she would like, what do you suggest???"
It's just not fair....
I've never bought an ornament for Isaac & Hannah. Nothing was right. Nothing was good enough.
I've not bought any ornaments since Christmas 2007. This year I think I'm just gonna buy a family ornament & include them. I think that'll make me feel better.
A little....
At least in that family "picture" all my babies will be there.

Flying Home

I thought this was a beautiful image & wanted to share it.

Love you my babies.....

Who am I??

Is this really me? This isn't what I signed up for, my dream for years was to have lots of children. But not this way, not with 2 in Heaven. Am I really "that lady" who's children died???
Am I the woman you see crying at the cemetery? Am I really the woman who smiles but always carries the ache of holding a lifeless body in my arms??
Why is this me?
This is not supposed to be me!!!
I'm supposed to be the one that doesn't understand " that smiles awkwardly not knowing what to say"
I'm not the one who receives the strange crooked smile with no words behind it & the look of pity. Oh, how I truly loathe that look!
Well, in case you haven't noticed I'm in a bad mood today. Honestly, I had no idea that 30 day challenge would be so....well, CHALLENGING!!
It made me think of feelings that hurt & feelings that are unfair & unwanted.
I do not want to know what it is like to bury my child. Wait I mean children!!
Recently someone told me I've been snippy lately & maybe your thinking I should be offended but let me clarify that this is someone who has been more than supportive in my loss OK?
And guess what? I am snippy, I'm really freakin angry when I stop & think about it. I mean most days are good but other days there's this searing red hot anger in there ready to burst forth & destroy.
So, yea~I'm snippy.
And I needed to hear that because I think I was ready to lose it on people I love.
I'm somewhat upset with God again, it comes back & forth in waves. Usually, I can deal with it quickly, I say "God, I'm mad at you....again, why did you take Isaac & Hannah? Please help me not to be mad at you Lord because the only way to survive is with YOU"
But, this time I didn't do that & now I don't feel so great.
Honestly, I'm really glad for who God is & the way HE talks to me, Tina.
Because He knows I'll avoid Him because once I really open up I'll start crying & hurting & I hate the build up of that. I know that afterwards I'll feel better but it's the dread of being weak. I'm not good at that.
Anyway, I was on FB & saw that my friend blogged & I read it. Her post moved my heart but what took me by surprise was the song that was playing, Selah~All My Praise.
I've heard this song countless times & I enjoy it each & every time but these words jumped out at me:

I will follow you through dark disaster

And sing hallelujah through the pain

Even in the shadow of death I will praise

Even in the valley I will say

Holy, my God

You are worthy of all my praise


I had to stop right there & pray, I wept before my God & cried to Him how much I love Him & how very sorry I am. I'm sorry because in my hurt anger & pride I intentionally pushed Him away. I still am angry but not at Him. I'm angry because my children died & that merits being angry. It's a good reason to be upset. I'm angry because dreams I had for them are not going to be fulfilled. I'm angry because my 3 girls had to survive the death of their siblings & I couldn't protect them from that.
But am I mad at God???
NO.
Will I feel mad at Him again? Probably.
But, I will not let it go too far again. Because He is holy, & He is worthy to be praised. I will praise Him with a broken heart, I will praise Him with a tear streaked face, I will praise Him because he is MY GOD.