Flying Home

I thought this was a beautiful image & wanted to share it.

Love you my babies.....

Day 15 & My Angel's Candles

Day 15 - what you like about your house.

What do I like??? Hmmmmm......
Well, we've only been here 3 weeks this upcoming Monday so I'm still discovering new things.
I suppose what I like the VERY MOST is we pay almost 500 bux less then the old place! Woo-hoo!
I also love that we have several awesome parks in walking distance, as well as an activity center & library.
And what do I absolutely positively love??
My sister who is my bestest bestie is 5 minutes away!! I mean I can run & get there in 60 seconds! Mind you if I do that my heart will probably explode as I fall over in a heap on her front step but none the less...I can do it if I want to =)
Well....maybe 120 seconds.

On another note, I didn't post yesterday because I was busy getting my home full of boxes somewhat organized for my "Wave Of Light" Remembrance Candle for Isaac & Hannah.
I needed to put some thought into what I wanted to express. This is my first time participating in the Wave of Light because I've always had a hard time with the candle thing. Growing up I would see candles with Saints on them & people would light them & pray about different circumstances. Deep inside me I didn't want God to think I was putting my babies before Him. So I had to work things out in my heart & do this right.
Glorifying Him & Him alone while remembering my children.

So, I set everything up.
Isaac's shadowbox & his bunny, & Hannah's photo & butterfly. I also had rose petals from their funerals. Their were a total of 6 candles, Isaac & Hannah shared the bigger one while their were 5 tea lights. One for my cousins daughter, my friends 3 Angels, & my big brother in Heaven.

Here is a photo of their candles.......

After we lit the candles I read from Job 1. I read to my girls of how everything Job owned was destroyed & then while still reeling from that disaster he was told all of his children were dead. He answered this terrible news with "Naked I come from my mother's womb, & naked I will depart. The LORD gave & the LORD has taken away, blessed be the name of the LORD. "
Job 1:21
I explained to them that the Lord is ALWAYS good & worthy of praise..even when circumstances tell us otherwise. We then sang "How Great is Our God" which is the song we sang at Isaac's funeral, that was very hard for me. I've sung that song many times since Isaac's death but last night for a moment I was back in that funeral home & it struck me like lightening.
After our time of praise Dan led us in prayer.
The ceremony was bittersweet & painful at times but overall it was healing for me & God was praised.

"You're the name above all names,

you are worthy of all praise

& my heart will sing~How Great Is MY God"

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 4

Day 4~Your Favorite Book, has it changed since my Loss?

Wow, really? I can't say that I have one favorite book. I mean I'm a girl who was raised to read. I ALWAYS have a book in my hand. I love cook books & can never read enough of them, desert books, slow cooker books, soul food books...you name it, I've got it.
However, I do read a lot more about loss & grieving. The first book I read after losing Isaac was titled "Safe In The Arms of God" by John MacArthur. This was really a very comforting book because it helped me scripturally "back up" what I was believing about my Isaac being in Heaven with God. Not just saying "oh, he's in a better place"
After Hannah died a good BLM friend gave me 3 books, "In A Heartbeat" by Dawn Waltman, "Grieving The Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg, & "I'll Hold You In Heaven, Remembrance Book" by Debbie Heydrick.
These are very helpful books but if I had to pick one to recommend I would say I'll Hold You In Heaven helped me the most in dealing with the emotional roller coaster I found myself on.
Each chapter has a journal entry that asks questions of you that maybe are to difficult to ask yourself. There's also scripture, prayer, & song lyrics throughout the book.
However, I must stick to the question at hand & be sincere with you, I truly believe my favorite book before I became the mother of Angel Babies is the same as it is now.
The Book of Psalms.
This Book in God's Word completes my soul. So many times I ran to His word. I ran to the Psalms & hid there....

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth...Psalm 121 1-2
When I couldn't sleep He gave me rest...

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety...Psalm 4:8

He gave me Hope...

I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. I will praise you in the presence of your saints....Psalm 52:9

So with that I can confidently say that if I was stranded on a desert island & had only one book to bring it would be the book of Psalms.

30 Posts in 30 Days....

My good friend & fellow blogger posted about this idea she found, check out her blog. She's an amazing woman. Anyway, the concept is for 30 days I answer one question about myself. With October being Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month I thought I'd use my friends modified questions in relation to losing Isaac & Hannah. I know it's already October 4th & I could back track some but it's no biggie, we'll just travel a few days into November K?

Day 1~ A song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore & why.

I have quite a few, so many. Two that pop out are "All That I can Say" by David Crowder Band & "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.
After Hannah died I was just so crushed, I mean we survived burying Isaac, how in the world could God take another child from us. How could he expect me to be anything more than a shell of a human being?? I felt like He'd forgotten me & I was so completely weakened. I felt there was nothing left inside of me & every single breathe I took was a struggle to live. The song "All That I can Say" reminds me of that pain & it's very difficult to listen to now. It's one of my "crying songs"
It's one of the songs I listen to when I've been bottling up my hurt waaaay too long & need to "pour out"
These are the lyrics to that song.

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark Is creeping in
Creeping up To swallow me
I think I'll stop & rest here a while

This is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you set it down

And this is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that That was You washing my feet


The last part of the song always brings me back. I remember that my God was there when I held Isaac for the first & last time. When I kissed my Sweet Hannah's face & never saw her again. When I wept & groaned...He was there, & He was crying too.

The other song "I Can Only Imagine" reminds me of the truth. When I hear it I can close my tear filled eyes & think of my Isaac & Hannah & what it'll be like to hold them. To smell their sweet skin, kiss they're chubby cheeks, & hold they're little hands. Oh the day when Jesus will hold me close & wipe away the tears, when He'll heal my wounded heart & bring me in His glory.

His Ways

Recently, I was going through my pictures. I have them set up on a slide show on my computer, I have over 4000!! I can just set up some music & watch the pics float by. Well, as I was keeping my hands busy in the house I noticed the pictures of our trip to South Haven Michigan had begun to come across the screen. Now, let me just pause here & say. South Haven is "Our Place" Dan & I absolutely love it there, it's so very beautiful & relaxing. It feels like a slice of Heaven, looking out my hotel window this is the view I get.....

It's breathtaking. Dan & I had been going through some trials at that time, things that appeared overwhelming & so big. I got up early one morning & went out on the deck that sits over the lake to read my bible.
In His word I read Isaiah 54:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. I became so excited, I thought "wow God, you're so amazing to give me this word to hold on to" You see, I couldn't understand our current circumstance but I did understand that God & His ways are too awesome for me to comprehend & I could rest my weary soul by trusting in Him.
Later that same day Dan & I walked on the beach, it was quite cold but so wonderful. I felt the pressure lifted & could enjoy time with my love. As we walked along the shore I looked down & spotted a monarch butterfly lying on the sand.

It was obvious it's life was ebbing away. I couldn't walk away, I couldn't leave it there. My heart hurt for this beautiful creature. I thought it'd be best to pick it up & set it gently in the brush to keep it safely tucked away til it passed. However, I was afraid of picking him up & harming his wings, he was so tiny...so fragile. So Dan picked our little friend up, he didn't even attempt to fly away. He just rested comfortably with Dan. We didn't want to set him down, we didn't want to leave him...but we did.
Little did we know 5 months later our lives would be shattered. That we would have to desperately cling to the truth that in fact Gods ways are higher than ours & that we needed to rest in the promise that He knew what was best. My Isaac, we didn't want to leave him, my boy....my son.
We didn't want to walk away that terrible afternoon. That day I wanted to keep him safely tucked away, I wanted his Daddy to hold him & keep him warm. But what we wanted was not part of Gods will for us. His ways crushed our hearts, & on this occasion I felt His ways were so very wrong. I look back now & have no doubt that God gave me that word from Isaiah to hold onto when my son died & every day since then. I also believe with everything that I am that God sent that beautiful Monarch Butterfly to me that day. That He allowed us to be part of the last moments of his life. That Dans warm hands would comfort the sweet creature as he died & that his peaceful beauty would bring comfort to me in the months to come. Some may say that God has too much to do & enough to keep Him busy without sending me little butterflies. But, I know better....God is my loving Abba Father & He knows what speaks to the heart he created in me. He knows that I needed to see that little guy that day & he also blessed me in that I was able to get a picture of Dan holding him. That may not seem like much but it's amazing to me. Let me tell you why, when Isaac was born I held him, I asked Dan if he wanted to hold him-he did but wasn't sure how long we had with him. He told me "sweetie, you hold him~I'll be happy just to see you hold Isaac" I think that is pretty much one of the most selfless things my husband has ever done, it was such an amazing sacrifice & I will forever be indebted to him. But his heart does hurt that he didn't hold his one & only son & although this little butterfly is not Isaac~this picture represents such beauty....

As I look on at Dan tenderly & gently protecting this little guy I get a glimpse into my husband as a father to our Isaac.

New Obstacles

My daughter Hope is 6 months old now. I'm so thankful for her, I can't believe a half a year has gone by. Has it really been that long since I first saw her sweet face? I waited what felt like forever to meet her. I honestly had so many ideas of what my life would be like now. I really thought as I neared the end of my pregnancy that I would feel better because it meant we were closer to the finish line. But, it was more than difficult. The closer I got to actually meeting her the more fear I felt that the rug would get yanked out from under me.
But Praise God, that didn't happen. He blessed me with my sweet princess & I have the joy of getting to know this precious person.
There are new obstacles though. Things that take you by surprise. Like the first time I put her in the nursery at church I was truly stressed. I knew she was in good safe hands but the whole service I was counting the minutes til I could hold her again. Or how I check, recheck, & then check again to make sure she is secure in her car seat.
And then we have tonight.
Hope's first night sleeping in the nursery...away from me.

I would be lying to say that this isn't more than difficult. This is terrible for me. Honestly, I'm typing so I don't go in there & pick her up!!
The truth is my normal logical brain KNOWS she is more than safe. But my heart is screaming "go pick up your baby"
Now, I'm not a mom who normally runs in the room at the slightest peep. Actually, I've been known to be the opposite. I've been the friend on the other end of the line supporting a mama who has resolved to train her baby to sleep through the night. Because of that I knew Hopes still being in the room with me was dysfunctional. For me. Personally.
And please to set the record straight, I have nothing against Mama's who sleep with their babies for a loooonnng time. Whatever, works for your family works, it's just that I act like a lunatic without good sleep. So to have Hopie with me for this length of time clued me in that something was wrong in my heart.
I talked to a good friend who has walked this road & she spoke some good sense to me. Let me put it to you in a nutshell. Basically she said I had to learn to let go, I NEEDED to overcome this obstacle because there will be many more in the future. There are going to be so many "firsts" to be afraid of.

First time sleepovers.
First time swimming.
First time driving...

Do you know I've already started to dread the first time I give Hope peanut butter out of fear she could have a severe allergic reaction?? Wow, that's not good ya know.

I have to accept the truth, God took my Isaac & Hannah & unfortunately I will NEVER know this side of Heaven why they died. I had no control over the outcome of their lives. There days were numbered & although they were few, they did live.
And I loved them every moment.
Now my Hope is here, & she is very much alive, I'm smiling a big happy grin right now.
So I resolve not to live in perpetual fear of death. Instead I will choose to trust that God has blessed me with this sweet girl to teach me how to trust Him more everyday.

I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you...

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life

And I will praise the one who's chosen me
to carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice

And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life

And I will praise the one who's chosen me
to carry you

Dangers of Yesterday

I woke up to a brighter morning today. That's the good thing about God. I'm not asked to live in the past.
However, sometimes I choose to. Sometimes I'm very comfortable in the world of yesterday, I look at it through rose colored glasses. After all...that's where Isaac & Hannah were safe. In mama's tummy. Alive. That's when my daughters didn't know the sting of death, & that's when Dan & I spent nights full of laughter talking to our babies.
But the dangerous thing about that is there is little hope. You know how this is going to end. You've read the last few sentences of that chapter & slam the book shut. Throw it across the room in frustration screaming "why??"
Well, I thank God that He is continually writing my story. That although it felt like life stopped for a while & it kinda did...that He carried me through to the next chapter.

Which is full of Hope.
Hope for a future.
Hope for joy.
Hope for laughter.
Hope...