Thankfulness...

After losing my Isaac & Hannah, I found it very very difficult to be thankful, for much of anything. It would just drive me bonkers when people would say "well, just be thankful for the ones you've got"
OOooOOHHHhhh!!!
That got under my skin something fierce!
I know each & every time someone said that to me it was simply because they didn't understand, they didn't understand that it hurt to hear those words.
Why?
Because, I was thankful. Probably more thankful than I'd ever been that my other 3 girls were alive & healthy. Thankful that only 18 months earlier God allowed my sweet Nomi girl to be born this side of Heaven. That in His grace I have these children with me here.
But, it was still so very hard to be thankful because He had taken Isaac & Hannah. And I wanted them here with me. I wanted more time with them, I wanted to get to know them. And I was NOT THANKFUL that they were gone & that the other 3 were here.
Now, it's not that I DIDN'T want my healthy princesses.
It just felt like a comparison. Like I wasn't being allowed to grieve & had to hurry up & find something to be happy about.
Does that make any sense or am I rambling???

Well, I didn't "hurry up & get happy"....far from it.
In fact, I'm still struggling with being joyful in all circumstances. So, I'm going to do what God calls me to do which is "choose joy"
Now, that's a whole lot different than "being happy"
Being happy is a feeling. That feeling dictates your thoughts, reactions, & choices.
Kinda like..."oh, I'm happy, having a good day, things are pretty much goin my way & that makes me happy & I'm gonna act happy now"
But joy, that's a choice.
Specifically, the Joy of the Lord.
See, when your having a bad day, I mean absolutely nothing is going your way. The Earth is literally crumbling beneath your feet & everything inside you is screaming to lay down & die...that's when you CHOOSE JOY.

Because the Joy of the Lord is your Strength. When your not choosing His joy, your not choosing His strength. Your choosing, in fact, to be weakened.
Really, telling myself this one. Because it's kinda like helloooo?? Tina?? Are you hearing yourself? Ya need, I mean really NEED to be joyful. How do you plan on gettin joyful??
Hmmmmm? Hmmmm?? Stop talkin the talk if you ain't willin to walk the walk.
OK, enough hollering at myself.
Yea, me myself & I have many conversations & we often go off on a tangent.
Sorry.
Well, after going through these trials. I've found a few different ways to "choose joy"
One is I say out loud "I'm choosing joy"...which works because it's kinda like sayin to satan "In your face!" and since I can be feisty at times, I like that one.
Another is to get on my knees & look to the Lord to deposit in my spirit Joy that doesn't relate to my circumstances. Joy that can only come from Him. Because whatever is happening in my life wouldn't get a joyful response.

Another way I find Joy in Him, is to thank Him.

I can just close my eyes & thank Him.
Thank Him for Angie's sweet smile, the way her nose crunches up & she just laughs her heart out. The way she is growing into a young woman who loves God & is beginning to trust Him with her heart. Thank Him for the way Lana loves her sisters. And I mean loves, with a free abandon. She just doesn't care, when she's lovin on her Nomi, she is gonna love her like there's no tomorrow. And speaking of Nomi girl, I can't help but thank Him for this little girl who is so full of life. She is the silliest & cutest little creature you'd ever lay your eyes on. She just wants to make you laugh & she always does. She is a bringer of joy. And then there my Hope...oh God....thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for the toothless grins....
Thank you for the sleepless nights...
Thank you for the soft skin...
Thank you for the coos & goos....
Thank you for the restoration...
Thank you for life....

So, you see....thankfulness....it's a choice. Just like joy is a choice.
And my God, He is good in all circumstances.
And I choose to be joyful, to thank Him, to forever praise Him.

A Date With Crying

I am so overwhelmed with hurt today. My heart feels crushed & my soul feels weakened. I have a lot of "stuff" goin on & I suppose that makes me extra sensitive. But over all I'm feelin I'm gonna need a serious cry fest soon.
Do you know what I mean?
This may sound gross but it's all I can think of to compare...vomit.
Yep.
Ya know how when something you've eaten doesn't agree with you & as much as you hate it you just know you're gonna hafta...well
...remove the contents of your stomach.
That's how I'm feeling.
Except, it's soul vomit, (my friend came up with that literary gem)
I have all these feelings swirling around inside me & I'm starting to feel, well...sick!!
Sick with hurt, sick with pain, sick with anguish!!
It's been over 2 years since Isaac went to Heaven & almost 2 since we said goodbye to sweet Hannah Girl.
And yet, here I am.
Hurting.
I know it gets better, I know it doesn't always feel so raw. Really, I do.
But today it's really really raw.
And what's bugging me is I can't pinpoint what set me off. Usually there is some event or I see a soon to be mama & her swelling belly & I'm thrown back in time. But today I can find nothing to tell me why I'm feeling so sad.
Now, I don't want you to think I'm some perfectly pulled together woman with my feelings in check all the time. Me with my neat little ducks, all lined up in there emotionally recovered rows. And now all of a sudden I'm hurting a bit.
That's just not true.

I think of Isaac & Hannah............EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And probably will for the rest of my life. At least I hope to.
But back to the crying.
I know deep down to the tips of my toes that it's coming. And just like in my little gross analogy...I can't stop it. It's going to come outta me & it can be totally out of control & a mess or I can make a date with it I suppose.
Is that weird? To make a date with crying? To "control" it?
Well, I suppose it's both weird & good.
Hey! It's weird good.
That pretty much encompasses my character =)
Again, back to crying.
I think it's good, for me to schedule my overboard, hysterical, moaning, anguish filled weeping.
Good, because when I let it out, it really is a torrential storm & nothing but God can calm it.
Weird to you?
Because well, maybe you've never been where I'm at today.
But, that's OK. Because I get the feeling you can relate.
So, anyway I'm gonna head to my Ipod. I'm gonna set up my "make me cry" playlist (yea, I actually made one for this very reason) I'm gonna get my bible out & read through the Psalms with my Jesus.
And I'm gonna cry.

All that I can Say...

Lord I'm tired...so tired from walkin
& Lord, I'm so alone
The dark is creeping in....
Creepin up to swallow me
I think I'll stop & rest here a while.

These words, they're from a song. They really convey where my heart is. I have to stop.
I need rest.
This morning my stepmother called to let me know my cousin had just had her daughter. She was stillborn.
I've been busy the past few hours. I called my cousin, we talked a few minutes.
Then I called the funeral director who helped us with Isaac & Hannah. Then I got on the phone with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, professional photographers who offer a free service for occasions such as these. I spoke to a friend to help me figure out the best way to approach my cousin.
Well, now...there's nothing for me to do.
My cousin is doing everything I'd planned on advising her to do. It's just that when your in the middle of the mess you don't think of everything so I was desperate to get to her & help her. But surprisingly she HAS thought of quite a bit.
So now here I am....thinking...feeling. And ya know what? I don't want to....
But OK I will, cuz if I don't I'm gonna scream.
I'm gonna break something & just scream!
I'll tell you what, this is just plain ole hard. I mean it's just not fair. My cousin has no other children, this is her first & she doesn't get to keep her. She has to say goodbye. Not fair.
Recently a woman asked me how did I stay so faithful to God? How come I didn't get angry with Him?
Can I let you in on a secret? I did get angry then & honestly I'm kinda angry now.
Not knock down drag out angry like before but I feel I could get a little ugly right now.
And I'm frustrated too.
Frustration that I can do nothing to stop the hurt. The knowledge that my cousin has to walk through this as I did & that there is no way around it.
Frustration that this is the ministry God has called me to & it's so very heavy. So filled with hurt & sometimes I just don't think I have the strength to do it.
Sometimes, I just wanna crawl under my bed & ignore the tears. Ignore the pain.

But, I can't....God didn't design me that way.
Instead He designed me with a heart in tune with anothers pain. When He brought this ministry to me, He laid it so heavy on my heart that I can not ignore it. So I will be there for my cousin in every way she will allow me. I will hurt with her, I will cry with her, listen to her, or just be quiet...........with her.
And through it, I will remember.
I will remember Isaac's ears...Hannah's hands,
Isaac's little feet & Hannah's sweet baby smell.

So, I'm just gonna stop....I'm gonna stop & rest with Jesus a while.
I'm gonna let him refresh me...I'm tired.
I'm gonna let Him fill me up because I feel so very empty right now. I'm gonna let Him hold me because I'm certain the tears will be here soon.
And above all...I'm gonna trust Him because He's all that I need.

Healing Hands

My beautiful & wonderful friend Toni Ruppert created this beautiful work of art. I really don't think my picture does the painting justice. The painting is titled "Healing Hands"
She created it the night I was laboring with Hope.
Toni had received a prayer request for our family & little Hope, word went out there were complications with her delivery.
As Toni prayed, she painted.
As Toni painted, God healed.

This painting & all it conveys, has brought great healing to my heart.
This is some of what Toni herself had to say about her work...

"Every component of "Healing Hands" -the color, the imagery was chosen to celebrate the lives of Tina's unborn children. The hands are raised up as we surrender these two precious souls back to God - their Creator. I chose hands uplifted because they symbolized surrender and healing. The hands are raised up as we surrender - when no words will do. As I waited to hear news of my friend, I had no words, only watercolor, acrylic, ink and pastel media to communicate to God with."

It was a blessing & honor when Toni shared with me that this piece had been chosen for the "Dreams of Healing" 2010 Art Exhibit at Swedish Covenant Hospital.
On Friday May 14Th, Dan & I, as well as Hope & my mother attended opening night for the exhibit.
I walked into find that a book of all the artwork was available for purchase. I found that Toni's beautiful piece was on page 79 (in case you were wondering=D)

As I looked at the photo, I was a bit overwhelmed. There I was...holding precious sweet Hope in my arms & in my hands I held a book honoring my babies in Heaven. Honestly, my soul was hurting some, then I read the caption under the photo of the painting & my heart soared....

Toni dedicated "Healing Hands" to Isaac, Hannah, & unborn babies around the world.

And now, here I am...speechless, no words will do...
Except, Thank you Toni....Thank you God...........

Beautiful Hope

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE & a future... Jeremiah 29:11


I want to share our story of Hope. I want to take you on this journey with me so you can share with us the awesomeness of God & this blessing of Hope.
I also want to remember every moment, every second. I want to savor them all.

February 9th, the day God restored our joy, the day He gave us Hope.

I was admitted to Rush Hospital on Monday February 8th & was induced late that night.
Honestly, I wasn't feelin what I'd expected I would. I had all these images in my mind. I really felt this delivery & it's process would be very mellow. With lots of joyful smiles & happy tears throughout.
Well, that wasn't happening. I was so tense & snippy. And I can't blame it on the pain. I was just being a big crab.
Thankfully I'm married to an awesome man who didn't take it personal!!

So what was my problem? I mean here we were at the end of the finish line. I shoulda been elated.
But the truth is, I was terrified.
I kept remembering my Isaac & Hannah.
My heart was breaking all over again.
Finally, I broke down & shared my heart with Dan. I just cried & cried. I missed Isaac & Hannah so much & being in that bed & waiting for our new baby reminded me of the last time I held my lil ones.
Isaac's sweet tiny little feet, his perfect little ears.
Hannah's beautiful little pout & her precious baby smell.
It was just getting to be more than I felt I could handle. But of course my God doesn't ever leave me. He never just lets me sit there in pain & anguish. He always comes to my rescue.

He reminded me of the above scripture, of Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you Hope & a future....

Do you know when Isaac died that was the scripture God spoke to Dan & I?

That scripture helped us survive our sons death. We clung to it as a child clings to his mother.
It kept us alive.
There were many times that the pain was so overwhelming & God always ran swiftly to us & carried us.
I remember when Dan & I went to church one Sunday & decided to go to the alter to pray. We were both so completely broken...shattered. This was shortly after Hannah died.
We were weeping & our pastor came & prayed with us. The pain was so unbearable & we truly didn't know if God was going to allow more children into our family.
As we were praying the worship team was singing this song, Freedom Reigns.
The lyrics rang out & penetrated our hearts...

Where the spirit of the Lord is
There is freedom,
If you're tired and you are thirsty
There is freedom.

Jesus reigns in this place
Showers of mercy and grace
Falling on ev'ry face
There is freedom

That day, Dan & I released so much of our pain, we lifted our eyes to heaven & our redeemer. We found freedom.

Now, we have Hope in more ways then one. We have the restoration that God promises & we have our daughter.

So let me get back to her, after I calmed down, prayed, & was able to focus, things did go much smoother. Dan & I joked & laughed. We even played cards. Nothing like a few games of old maid & go fish to get the party started!!
However my sweet babe was doing what all my girls do...refusing to come out of that nice & comfy cocoon!!
So as usual the doc had to get things rolling along.

And after one & half hours it was time to meet our little girl.
And yup, I started gettin nervous.
I mean you would think after delivering so many babies this would be quite simple but the truth is I felt like a new mama all over again. The nurse told me "well you've done this before so I'm sure you know how to push"
It was then that I let her know that all my babies have needed absolutely no assistance from Mommy & that I had no clue how to push!

This is where the seasoned nurse promptly allowed her jaw to drop & her eyes to bug out of her head. So, uh-huh, now I get more nervous as I begin to think my baby is going to get stuck because I, her wonderful mama, have no clue how to get her outta there!!!

Well, thankfully according to nurses & docs I'm pretty good at this pushing thing & baby is moving along.
However, after only one push I'm told to stop so we can wait for the attending physician.
Yeah, right.
I mean here there is a person trying to make their way into the world & I'm told to press the pause button.
So I start thinkin is this where I'm sposed to breathe?? Cuz I skipped the class.
So I look to Dan like a dear caught in the headlights, I mean I'm thinking if we don't let this little girl come out she's gonna pop right out my belly button. Just like Nomi said!!

But then I see Dan, I mean really see him. Past the fear & the nervousness.

And he's crying.
He's smiling...

He says to me "listen baby, do you hear what song is playing?"
It was the same song that was playing that day at church, freedom....

Suddenly, everything slowed down. I could feel Him...Jesus, HE was there. He was in the room, holding my hand, & the freedom of His mercy & grace filled my lungs.

Everything from that point was perfect. Our daughter was born & she came easily without any complications. She cried out & it was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. They placed her on my chest & I couldn't kiss her enough. Dan & I wept tears of joy & praised God for her.
She even knew her Daddy. When they finally took her from me to clean her up some, she began to cry quite a bit. So her Daddy went over to her & started talking & singing just as he did when she was still in my tummy. She immediatly calmed down. It was the sweetest thing.
After a time the nurses took us to a private room where we stared at & just loved on this little girl. Dan stayed all day with us & we fussed over who got to hold her more.
We're still doing that =)

I really could go on & on about how wonderful & perfect she is. But I won't do that, just take a look at her picture & you'll see for yourself.

She is beautiful & amazing...our miracle.

At 11:56 am on February 9th, 2010 God gave us Hope...He gave us a future...

7 days

Boy, is it late. Can't sleep. I'm only 7 days away from meeting my sweet girl.
I wish I could say I'm up late because I'm so excited, but the truth is I'm up late because my mind is racing. Today, I went in for what is called a bio-physical ultrasound. The tech checks on a few things to make sure baby is doing well, heartbeat, breathing, movement, fluid. All this gets done within a 30 minute time slot. If my lil one does well, then she passes her "test" & we go on our merry way. Well, proud momma moment here, my little girl always passes with flying colors in less than 5 minutes!
What can I say? I'm a homeschooling mama, I'm serious about mu kiddos doin well on there exams =)
But today, she almost failed. We came to what I felt was too close to that 30 minute mark. Although her heart was beating just fine, she wouldn't move, in fact it took 20 minutes to get her to wake up. The whole time I lay there acting as though I was just fine when inside I was screaming. I kept thinking "is she dying? Why isn't she moving? what's wrong?"
My friend was with me & I thank God for her rub on the arm & her gentle calmness. It's just good to have someone keeping you anchored when you feel your about to drown.
We realized the pain meds I'm taking caused my lil one to be "sedated"
Even though I have a legitimate reason as to why she was so still & she is bouncing away as I type, it's so difficult to get that image out of my mind.
Her laying there.
Still.
It threw me back in time to seeing my Isaac & Hannah sleeping on that ultrasound screen.
It's not a good place to go in my mind, especially now.
I feel the need to get down they're memory box & REMEMBER.
I'm not sure if that's what I need to be doing right now though.
Of course, what I do know is I need to be praying & let me tell you today has been full of some hysterical praying.
Ya know the kind of prayers where only God Himself can understand your groaning.
That's the only place I find peace, in His arms.

I'm scared, nervous, unsure, & maybe just a little bit crazy.
But, God is steadfast, certain, consistent, & my protector.
I'm going to meet my little girl in 7 days.
I'm going to believe God for that.
I'm going to be strong & take heart, because my HOPE is in the Lord.

Waiting

31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31


Waiting....

One of the most difficult things for me to do. I remember when I first found out I was carrying this little one I thought to myself "how am I going to WAIT 9 months to meet her?"
Now here I am with 5 weeks left & I'm no better at this waiting game then I was 8 & 1/2 months ago.

Part of the problem was that I tried to carry the burden by myself for such a long time. You may think, how can you consider carrying a child a burden??
Well, let me explain that statement. Carrying this precious cargo is difficult but certainly not a burden. It's all the emotions, thoughts, & feelings I chose to carry alone that are burdensome. The fears & concerns are too much for my heart. And for such a long time I didn't allow anyone to see my heart. Not even God. I was too frightened of my own feelings to share them.
And I mean to truly share, not just the simple "oh, I'm a little tense" but the real knock your socks off, lay you out on the floor, I'm gonna wail my eyes out type of fear.

That's where I've been for so long & it's easy to hide there. But as I get closer to meeting this sweet little girl face to face God reminded me that I needed to deal with these feelings.
And ya know, I always say He is a gentleman, He's not pushy.
But He is persuasive.
He loves me & won't just leave me wallowing in my pain, He will gently nudge me to be honest. So, I finally spoke to people & said "guess what? I'm a basket case, I'm NOT OK, I am afraid. Please help me"
Ya know what happened? They helped.
People now know what is going on inside my heart & are praying & offering support down to the littlest things like washing a load of baby clothes.

Actually, not so little to me.

As I thought about this waiting I have to do, waiting 9 more months, 35 more days, 840 more hours.
I remembered what God's word says, to HOPE in Him, to wait on Him, & in doing that I will find strength beyond measure.
So I see that what I NEED to do is keep my eyes on Him, to wait patiently, no matter how hard. I need to allow Him to give me the renewal I need daily.

And in His perfect timing I will meet my little girl, until then I will wait.