Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Well, I don't have one. Not that I can think of at least. I did mention in my post from Day 4 several books I like & highly recommend on pregnancy loss.
~~~~~~~
On another note, today is kind of a rough one for me. I'm really missing Isaac & Hannah and it's a "on the verge of tears" day. I feel like getting under the covers & hiding. But I can't. I really hate when these days come. I want the pain to stop but then again I know it never will & it's part of what makes me Tina.
Sometimes I feel like I think & talk about my little butterflies too much. That I should just "get over it"
I know other BLM moms who appear to be living life without going backwards. I'm certain they hurt but it's more private & at times I feel my public pain is inappropriate. But, I really believe that's a lie from satan. Right from the pit of hell.
I say that because others' have told me how encouraged & inspired they are by my story~so I'm going to keep telling it. And everyday, my story continues & today is a hurting day. I will not pretend I'm OK.
I will not be silent.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 13
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
OK, this may seem silly to some. But the book that means a lot to me is titled "Love You Forever" written by Robert Munsch. I received it one Christmas from my aunt. At first I thought it was an accident, that she'd meant to give it to her daughter who had just had a boy that spring. I just had my 3rd girl.
You see, the book is about a mama & her son. Throughout the book the boy goes from baby to adult & you share the Mommy's thoughts of all the hair raising things he does~playing with toilet paper & destroying the bathroom, tracking mud on the floor, playing music loudly with his friends. But every night, Mommy crawls in his room as he's sleeping, right up to his bed, picks him up, rocks him, & whispers sweetly in his ear how much she loves him.
I always thought the book was cute, but wished the author wrote one for girls as well. I read it to my daughters & they thought it was cute & funny too. But it mostly sat on the bookshelf. But, one day after Isaac went to Heaven~I found it. I cried as I read it~thinking of my son & all I missed. However, the book has grown in my heart. I absolutely love reading it now, it doesn't hurt as much, in fact it's one of those sweet things that brings healing to my soul.
To my Isaac my wonderful perfect son "I love you forever, I love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"
OK, this may seem silly to some. But the book that means a lot to me is titled "Love You Forever" written by Robert Munsch. I received it one Christmas from my aunt. At first I thought it was an accident, that she'd meant to give it to her daughter who had just had a boy that spring. I just had my 3rd girl.
You see, the book is about a mama & her son. Throughout the book the boy goes from baby to adult & you share the Mommy's thoughts of all the hair raising things he does~playing with toilet paper & destroying the bathroom, tracking mud on the floor, playing music loudly with his friends. But every night, Mommy crawls in his room as he's sleeping, right up to his bed, picks him up, rocks him, & whispers sweetly in his ear how much she loves him.
I always thought the book was cute, but wished the author wrote one for girls as well. I read it to my daughters & they thought it was cute & funny too. But it mostly sat on the bookshelf. But, one day after Isaac went to Heaven~I found it. I cried as I read it~thinking of my son & all I missed. However, the book has grown in my heart. I absolutely love reading it now, it doesn't hurt as much, in fact it's one of those sweet things that brings healing to my soul.
To my Isaac my wonderful perfect son "I love you forever, I love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"
Monday, October 11, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 12
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
This question, unfortunately is a very easy one. I'm bonkers a bout a ton of stuff!
But the major two are water & seat belts.
OK, first one~water, specifically pools.
My mom & MIL have pools. My kids naturally LOVE to go to Grandma's house swimming. However, I'm batty about it. I mean I just can't relax, I'm terrified my girls are going to drown. I have 3 small children so they can be a lot to keep tabs on during swim time. I remember the summer after Isaac died we were at my mom's house & the girls were swimming. Dan was in the pool with them but I couldn't see Naomi, I asked where she was & then spotted something floating in the water & thought it was her. I didn't hesitate, I began to scale the side of the pool trying to jump in & was screaming. Dan hollered that Naomi was "right here, she's fine" I broke down crying in my mom's arms saying "I couldn't lose another baby"
I've not reacted as forcefully as I did since then but the fear is always there. The scream is always waiting in my throat.
Pools terrify me.
The second thing I'm OCD about is seat belts~car seats. I'm always...ALWAYS asking if the girls are buckled. And I know we as parents ought to make certain that are children are safe & secure but I'm overly obsessive about it. I have pulled the van over just to make sure Hope's car seat is clicked in properly. Mind you this is not even 5 minutes after pulling out of the driveway. I'm always turning around & adjusting Naomi's strap, making sure it's correctly over her chest & not too low or too high. I'm looking over at Lan to see if she's "buckied" I even look down at Angie's hip to check if her buckle is locked & she's 15 & in no need of Mommy's help!
Death is devastating & because it can't be controlled I am left scarred~desperately trying at times to control what I can.
This question, unfortunately is a very easy one. I'm bonkers a bout a ton of stuff!
But the major two are water & seat belts.
OK, first one~water, specifically pools.
My mom & MIL have pools. My kids naturally LOVE to go to Grandma's house swimming. However, I'm batty about it. I mean I just can't relax, I'm terrified my girls are going to drown. I have 3 small children so they can be a lot to keep tabs on during swim time. I remember the summer after Isaac died we were at my mom's house & the girls were swimming. Dan was in the pool with them but I couldn't see Naomi, I asked where she was & then spotted something floating in the water & thought it was her. I didn't hesitate, I began to scale the side of the pool trying to jump in & was screaming. Dan hollered that Naomi was "right here, she's fine" I broke down crying in my mom's arms saying "I couldn't lose another baby"
I've not reacted as forcefully as I did since then but the fear is always there. The scream is always waiting in my throat.
Pools terrify me.
The second thing I'm OCD about is seat belts~car seats. I'm always...ALWAYS asking if the girls are buckled. And I know we as parents ought to make certain that are children are safe & secure but I'm overly obsessive about it. I have pulled the van over just to make sure Hope's car seat is clicked in properly. Mind you this is not even 5 minutes after pulling out of the driveway. I'm always turning around & adjusting Naomi's strap, making sure it's correctly over her chest & not too low or too high. I'm looking over at Lan to see if she's "buckied" I even look down at Angie's hip to check if her buckle is locked & she's 15 & in no need of Mommy's help!
Death is devastating & because it can't be controlled I am left scarred~desperately trying at times to control what I can.
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 11 **possible triggers**
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
As promised...My Rainbow Baby~Hope Joanna.
This picture makes me feel so much joy, such happiness. I praise my Abba Father for giving me this good & perfect gift (James 1:17)
There was a time when Dan & I officially "gave up"
We believed the Lord had closed my womb & I was no longer going to have any more children. I remember saying "OK God, I'm throwing my hands up & accepting that it's not your will"
A few days later I found out I was carrying Hope.
This picture encourages me & reminds me of God & His goodness so much. My spirit is swirling with emotions right now.
There is so much going on in this photo. Looking behind me I can see the cemetery lawn. That is a large piece of my heart because it's where I go to visit & spend private time with Isaac & Hannah & God.
Then there is the look shared between Hope & I, it reveals so much of my happiness.
For me the photo is a mesh of the bittersweet hurt of the past & the love that will forever linger there, as well as the hope of the future (Jeremiah 29:11)
I recently went to the Greg Laurie Harvest Crusade here in Chicago. Dan & I attended on the "Night of Hope"
The night was specifically geared towards those who have lost & Steven Curtis Chapman was there to perform. He also shared how he & his family have survived the tragic loss of their beautiful young daughter, Maria.
He spoke about his song Beauty Will Rise & the lyrics, "Out of these ashes... beauty will rise and we will dance among the ruins"
He opened my eyes to "RUINS"
He shared how tragic circumstances leave "ruins"
Take 9/11 for example. Terrible ruins everywhere~devastation. However, we choose not to live there, we rebuild, we restore. Beauty rises out of the ashes~& even the "new buildings" are a reminder of what we've survived. They are a reminder of healing.
That's what Hope is for me, she is her own person with her own identity. However, she is God's tangible reminder to me that He does not disappoint, that He restores, that He has a plan & a future.
I must share this picture as well,
This picture makes me feel so much joy, such happiness. I praise my Abba Father for giving me this good & perfect gift (James 1:17)
There was a time when Dan & I officially "gave up"
We believed the Lord had closed my womb & I was no longer going to have any more children. I remember saying "OK God, I'm throwing my hands up & accepting that it's not your will"
A few days later I found out I was carrying Hope.
This picture encourages me & reminds me of God & His goodness so much. My spirit is swirling with emotions right now.
There is so much going on in this photo. Looking behind me I can see the cemetery lawn. That is a large piece of my heart because it's where I go to visit & spend private time with Isaac & Hannah & God.
Then there is the look shared between Hope & I, it reveals so much of my happiness.
For me the photo is a mesh of the bittersweet hurt of the past & the love that will forever linger there, as well as the hope of the future (Jeremiah 29:11)
I recently went to the Greg Laurie Harvest Crusade here in Chicago. Dan & I attended on the "Night of Hope"
The night was specifically geared towards those who have lost & Steven Curtis Chapman was there to perform. He also shared how he & his family have survived the tragic loss of their beautiful young daughter, Maria.
He spoke about his song Beauty Will Rise & the lyrics, "Out of these ashes... beauty will rise and we will dance among the ruins"
He opened my eyes to "RUINS"
He shared how tragic circumstances leave "ruins"
Take 9/11 for example. Terrible ruins everywhere~devastation. However, we choose not to live there, we rebuild, we restore. Beauty rises out of the ashes~& even the "new buildings" are a reminder of what we've survived. They are a reminder of healing.
That's what Hope is for me, she is her own person with her own identity. However, she is God's tangible reminder to me that He does not disappoint, that He restores, that He has a plan & a future.
I must share this picture as well,
This is me singing to my Hopie Girl. I could write a book about how special this time with her is to me. We sing together often & this is one of our songs~I hope it conveys my heart towards God.....
Saturday, October 9, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 10
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
So here it is, my very old picture of myself. I'm the one in the red. This is waaaaay more than 10 years old. I was probably 6 or 7 in this pic. That means the year was about '80 or '81.
I really like this photo a lot. Mostly because I'm reminded of my Lana Bear.
Earlier today Angie (my oldest) grabbed a picture of me & said "come on Mommy, this is Lana's face" I told her "I just don't see the resemblance.
She thought I was bonkers. I thought about posting that pic because we have just recently moved & I have no clue where the photos are right now, but I managed to come across this one & thought "wow, this is Lan's face"
It makes me feel real good, because when I was a little girl I was teased often about my big smile. When I posed for a picture my whole face would smile & I suppose the adults in my life thought it was cute but their comments made me feel insecure. For many years I pasted on a fake smile & hoped people were satisfied. Just in the past 2 years or so I decided to go back to the biggest smile my face could produce. I want my kids to look at pics of me when I'm gone & see the "real mama" they remember.
But, I'm rambling, I see Lana in this picture because when she smiles her whole face lights up. She reminds me that being young is full of innocence & laughter, catching fireflies & counting stars.
The above picture reminds me that there were many smiles in my young life~even if among the hurts.
But I must add a pic of my Lana Bear~so you can see for yourself why her beautiful smile lights up my life.
Mama loves you my Gentle Little Flower =)
I really like this photo a lot. Mostly because I'm reminded of my Lana Bear.
Earlier today Angie (my oldest) grabbed a picture of me & said "come on Mommy, this is Lana's face" I told her "I just don't see the resemblance.
She thought I was bonkers. I thought about posting that pic because we have just recently moved & I have no clue where the photos are right now, but I managed to come across this one & thought "wow, this is Lan's face"
It makes me feel real good, because when I was a little girl I was teased often about my big smile. When I posed for a picture my whole face would smile & I suppose the adults in my life thought it was cute but their comments made me feel insecure. For many years I pasted on a fake smile & hoped people were satisfied. Just in the past 2 years or so I decided to go back to the biggest smile my face could produce. I want my kids to look at pics of me when I'm gone & see the "real mama" they remember.
But, I'm rambling, I see Lana in this picture because when she smiles her whole face lights up. She reminds me that being young is full of innocence & laughter, catching fireflies & counting stars.
The above picture reminds me that there were many smiles in my young life~even if among the hurts.
But I must add a pic of my Lana Bear~so you can see for yourself why her beautiful smile lights up my life.
Mama loves you my Gentle Little Flower =)
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 9
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
These are my animals. My Cow, Bear & Monkey....the wee-est animal isn't in this pic. I blog about them over here.
I love my girls. They are amazing. They are my heart & bring laughter to my soul. I thank God that He believes I'm capable to train these treasures for His Kingdom.
I wish this pic had my Hopie Girl but it's OK, I'll post a pic of my Rainbow Baby soon =)
I love my girls. They are amazing. They are my heart & bring laughter to my soul. I thank God that He believes I'm capable to train these treasures for His Kingdom.
I wish this pic had my Hopie Girl but it's OK, I'll post a pic of my Rainbow Baby soon =)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 8
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
This is Valentine's Day of 2008. Dan & I went to a dinner hosted by our church & had a wonderful time. We even won a bag full of goodies. You can't see in this picture but my tummy was pretty big, even for 5 months. I felt beautiful & was excited to be with my handsome man.
This picture makes me sad because it was the last one taken of Dan & I together before we found out on the 22nd that Isaac was gone. It also makes me angry. Quite angry in fact. I feel as I look at this picture that I am looking at a fool. I'm aware that there is no way I could've known my son was dying but it still bothers me very much to see the big smile on my face.
The big oblivious smile.
The fact that my son died & I was completely unaware really upsets me. It's very disturbing in my soul. A mothers job is to protect her child at all cost, & I did not do that. I joyfully conversed, laughed, & ate a good meal as my son's life was slipping away.
Now, I'm aware that I do not know the exact moment my Isaac died nor was there anything I could do.
However~it still makes me angry that I couldn't save him.
This is Valentine's Day of 2008. Dan & I went to a dinner hosted by our church & had a wonderful time. We even won a bag full of goodies. You can't see in this picture but my tummy was pretty big, even for 5 months. I felt beautiful & was excited to be with my handsome man.
This picture makes me sad because it was the last one taken of Dan & I together before we found out on the 22nd that Isaac was gone. It also makes me angry. Quite angry in fact. I feel as I look at this picture that I am looking at a fool. I'm aware that there is no way I could've known my son was dying but it still bothers me very much to see the big smile on my face.
The big oblivious smile.
The fact that my son died & I was completely unaware really upsets me. It's very disturbing in my soul. A mothers job is to protect her child at all cost, & I did not do that. I joyfully conversed, laughed, & ate a good meal as my son's life was slipping away.
Now, I'm aware that I do not know the exact moment my Isaac died nor was there anything I could do.
However~it still makes me angry that I couldn't save him.
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