Last Entry

Hi Friends,

As you very well know I'm not here blogging as often as I used to be. I began a new blog some time back & have incorporated Isaac & Hannah into that one. My other blog is more of my day to day life. Considering Isaac & Hannah's names are on my lips as often as my other children, I felt it made sense to combine the two blogs.

Thank you for loving on me during my hurts & holding my hand during my fears. I will continue to hold your names & faces in my heart & pray for this beautiful group of women I've found.


In Him,
Tina
Revelation 21:4

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 17

Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.


I have been blessed with a beautiful friend by the name of Toni who painted a wonderful piece of work I'd like to share with you. Saying I'm "moved" by this piece of art is an understatement. I've posted about Toni & her art before, you can read about it here.

Again...thank you Toni.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 16

Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).

It took me all of 2 seconds to think of the answer to this.

Biko Mono Ve (Pass Me Not , O Gentle Savior) It Is Well With My Soul by Selah

When I learned of Isaac's death I went immediately back to Hymns. I grew up listening to Hymns & they brought me such comfort in a time of great pain. It was almost like God Himself was singing to me. At some point Dan & I decided we wanted a song played at Isaac's funeral & we chose this one. I borrowed the CD from my mom & felt somewhat prepared. I wanted to be a witness to others like Horatio Spafford, who penned "It Is Well With My Soul" after losing his 4 daughters in a tragic accident.
However, the morning of Isaac's funeral my soul was far from well. I felt if that song was played it would be a lie. My soul was in anguish & was not at peace.
Instead, Dan & I chose "Be Still My Soul" by Selah.
It was more fitting for where we were emotionally that horrible day.
That's another one that makes me cry...of course.

Honestly, this is a very difficult post for me, I added the links to the songs & had to listen to them to make sure they were the right ones. I'm sitting at the computer right now & want to fall in a heap on the floor & just cry.

Oh my babies, how Mama misses you. I ache for you, my arms are lonely without you. One day, we will be together & what a wonderful day that will be.
Until then, I'm incomplete....you hold a piece of my heart.
Your feet never touched the earth but you changed my life forever.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 14

Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

Well, I don't have one. Not that I can think of at least. I did mention in my post from Day 4 several books I like & highly recommend on pregnancy loss.

~~~~~~~

On another note, today is kind of a rough one for me. I'm really missing Isaac & Hannah and it's a "on the verge of tears" day. I feel like getting under the covers & hiding. But I can't. I really hate when these days come. I want the pain to stop but then again I know it never will & it's part of what makes me Tina.
Sometimes I feel like I think & talk about my little butterflies too much. That I should just "get over it"
I know other BLM moms who appear to be living life without going backwards. I'm certain they hurt but it's more private & at times I feel my public pain is inappropriate. But, I really believe that's a lie from satan. Right from the pit of hell.
I say that because others' have told me how encouraged & inspired they are by my story~so I'm going to keep telling it. And everyday, my story continues & today is a hurting day. I will not pretend I'm OK.
I will not be silent.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 13

Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

OK, this may seem silly to some. But the book that means a lot to me is titled "Love You Forever" written by Robert Munsch. I received it one Christmas from my aunt. At first I thought it was an accident, that she'd meant to give it to her daughter who had just had a boy that spring. I just had my 3rd girl.
You see, the book is about a mama & her son. Throughout the book the boy goes from baby to adult & you share the Mommy's thoughts of all the hair raising things he does~playing with toilet paper & destroying the bathroom, tracking mud on the floor, playing music loudly with his friends. But every night, Mommy crawls in his room as he's sleeping, right up to his bed, picks him up, rocks him, & whispers sweetly in his ear how much she loves him.
I always thought the book was cute, but wished the author wrote one for girls as well. I read it to my daughters & they thought it was cute & funny too. But it mostly sat on the bookshelf. But, one day after Isaac went to Heaven~I found it. I cried as I read it~thinking of my son & all I missed. However, the book has grown in my heart. I absolutely love reading it now, it doesn't hurt as much, in fact it's one of those sweet things that brings healing to my soul.
To my Isaac my wonderful perfect son "I love you forever, I love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 12

Day 12 - something you are OCD about.

This question, unfortunately is a very easy one. I'm bonkers a bout a ton of stuff!
But the major two are water & seat belts.
OK, first one~water, specifically pools.
My mom & MIL have pools. My kids naturally LOVE to go to Grandma's house swimming. However, I'm batty about it. I mean I just can't relax, I'm terrified my girls are going to drown. I have 3 small children so they can be a lot to keep tabs on during swim time. I remember the summer after Isaac died we were at my mom's house & the girls were swimming. Dan was in the pool with them but I couldn't see Naomi, I asked where she was & then spotted something floating in the water & thought it was her. I didn't hesitate, I began to scale the side of the pool trying to jump in & was screaming. Dan hollered that Naomi was "right here, she's fine" I broke down crying in my mom's arms saying "I couldn't lose another baby"
I've not reacted as forcefully as I did since then but the fear is always there. The scream is always waiting in my throat.
Pools terrify me.

The second thing I'm OCD about is seat belts~car seats. I'm always...ALWAYS asking if the girls are buckled. And I know we as parents ought to make certain that are children are safe & secure but I'm overly obsessive about it. I have pulled the van over just to make sure Hope's car seat is clicked in properly. Mind you this is not even 5 minutes after pulling out of the driveway. I'm always turning around & adjusting Naomi's strap, making sure it's correctly over her chest & not too low or too high. I'm looking over at Lan to see if she's "buckied" I even look down at Angie's hip to check if her buckle is locked & she's 15 & in no need of Mommy's help!

Death is devastating & because it can't be controlled I am left scarred~desperately trying at times to control what I can.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 11 **possible triggers**

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

As promised...My Rainbow Baby~Hope Joanna.
This picture makes me feel so much joy, such happiness. I praise my Abba Father for giving me this good & perfect gift (James 1:17)
There was a time when Dan & I officially "gave up"
We believed the Lord had closed my womb & I was no longer going to have any more children. I remember saying "OK God, I'm throwing my hands up & accepting that it's not your will"
A few days later I found out I was carrying Hope.
This picture encourages me & reminds me of God & His goodness so much. My spirit is swirling with emotions right now.
There is so much going on in this photo. Looking behind me I can see the cemetery lawn. That is a large piece of my heart because it's where I go to visit & spend private time with Isaac & Hannah & God.
Then there is the look shared between Hope & I, it reveals so much of my happiness.
For me the photo is a mesh of the bittersweet hurt of the past & the love that will forever linger there, as well as the hope of the future (Jeremiah 29:11)
I recently went to the Greg Laurie Harvest Crusade here in Chicago. Dan & I attended on the "Night of Hope"
The night was specifically geared towards those who have lost & Steven Curtis Chapman was there to perform. He also shared how he & his family have survived the tragic loss of their beautiful young daughter, Maria.
He spoke about his song Beauty Will Rise & the lyrics, "Out of these ashes... beauty will rise and we will dance among the ruins"
He opened my eyes to "RUINS"
He shared how tragic circumstances leave "ruins"
Take 9/11 for example. Terrible ruins everywhere~devastation. However, we choose not to live there, we rebuild, we restore. Beauty rises out of the ashes~& even the "new buildings" are a reminder of what we've survived. They are a reminder of healing.
That's what Hope is for me, she is her own person with her own identity. However, she is God's tangible reminder to me that He does not disappoint, that He restores, that He has a plan & a future.

I must share this picture as well,

This is me singing to my Hopie Girl. I could write a book about how special this time with her is to me. We sing together often & this is one of our songs~I hope it conveys my heart towards God.....

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 8

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.

This is Valentine's Day of 2008. Dan & I went to a dinner hosted by our church & had a wonderful time. We even won a bag full of goodies. You can't see in this picture but my tummy was pretty big, even for 5 months. I felt beautiful & was excited to be with my handsome man.
This picture makes me sad because it was the last one taken of Dan & I together before we found out on the 22nd that Isaac was gone. It also makes me angry. Quite angry in fact. I feel as I look at this picture that I am looking at a fool. I'm aware that there is no way I could've known my son was dying but it still bothers me very much to see the big smile on my face.
The big oblivious smile.
The fact that my son died & I was completely unaware really upsets me. It's very disturbing in my soul. A mothers job is to protect her child at all cost, & I did not do that. I joyfully conversed, laughed, & ate a good meal as my son's life was slipping away.
Now, I'm aware that I do not know the exact moment my Isaac died nor was there anything I could do.
However~it still makes me angry that I couldn't save him.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 7

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.

This is my Dan, my best friend, my sweet handsome man. We were in South Haven, Michigan when I took this pic of him. It was October of 2007 & we were on a much needed get away. We had a wonderful & beautiful time. Little did we know that Isaac was being formed inside me. God was giving us this wonderful gift.
When I look at this picture I see the cold waves crashing behind my strong man. They didn't phase him, look at that grin! Now, I know they weren't 12 foot waves but they were loud & cold & somewhat intimidating.
My Dan is the picture of calm.
I love this picture of him & I love him.
To my husband....you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love the way your eyes twinkle when you laugh...I mean really laugh from way deep down in your belly. I love how your patient with me when I'm "shell fish like"
I love that when I'm afraid you don't mind that I act tough & then hold me when I finally cry.
Dan, I love you.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 6

Day 6~20 Things That Calm You

1. Praying
2. Reading to my little ones.
3. Singing (Worship)
4. The scent of Dan's soap
5. Blogging/Writing
6. Driving
7. Sunsets
8. Praying over my Girls as they Sleep
9. When Dan rubs my head.
10. Lisa's Heaven
11. The scent of rain just before it begins to fall.
12. Ice Cream =)
13. Cuddling up with Angie Girl & hearing about her day.
14. The sound of breaking glass...I know, strange.
15. Making Butterfly Baskets
16. Hot Cocoa
17. Watching fire dance
18. Taking naps with my HotBox =)
19. Walking
20. Visiting South Haven Michigan...I saved this one for last because all the others I can do whenever I want. This one is a " once a year if I'm lucky all around entirely calming experience"

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 5

Day 5 - your favorite quote.

I have a few relating to Isaac & Hannah so here they are~

"Learn not to smile in spite of our suffering-but because of it" ~ Joni Erickson Tada

The mention of my child's name ...
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring Music to my ears.
Please don't keep me From hearing the beautiful music.
It soothes my broken heart And fills my soul with love. ~Nancy Williams

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain ~Mercy Me

An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be, God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow, Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do, Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you, That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies~~~Author Unknown

Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity~~~Author Unknown


And finally, A person's a person, no matter how small~Horton

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 4

Day 4~Your Favorite Book, has it changed since my Loss?

Wow, really? I can't say that I have one favorite book. I mean I'm a girl who was raised to read. I ALWAYS have a book in my hand. I love cook books & can never read enough of them, desert books, slow cooker books, soul food books...you name it, I've got it.
However, I do read a lot more about loss & grieving. The first book I read after losing Isaac was titled "Safe In The Arms of God" by John MacArthur. This was really a very comforting book because it helped me scripturally "back up" what I was believing about my Isaac being in Heaven with God. Not just saying "oh, he's in a better place"
After Hannah died a good BLM friend gave me 3 books, "In A Heartbeat" by Dawn Waltman, "Grieving The Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg, & "I'll Hold You In Heaven, Remembrance Book" by Debbie Heydrick.
These are very helpful books but if I had to pick one to recommend I would say I'll Hold You In Heaven helped me the most in dealing with the emotional roller coaster I found myself on.
Each chapter has a journal entry that asks questions of you that maybe are to difficult to ask yourself. There's also scripture, prayer, & song lyrics throughout the book.
However, I must stick to the question at hand & be sincere with you, I truly believe my favorite book before I became the mother of Angel Babies is the same as it is now.
The Book of Psalms.
This Book in God's Word completes my soul. So many times I ran to His word. I ran to the Psalms & hid there....

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth...Psalm 121 1-2
When I couldn't sleep He gave me rest...

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety...Psalm 4:8

He gave me Hope...

I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. I will praise you in the presence of your saints....Psalm 52:9

So with that I can confidently say that if I was stranded on a desert island & had only one book to bring it would be the book of Psalms.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 3

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

Well, as strange as this is...the answer to that is Scrubs. Ya know the comedy about interns in a hospital??
Well, like I said in my previous post, Dan & I couldn't sleep...or better said~I couldn't sleep. Dan has & probably always been a night owl, I tried to avoid sleep as much as I could. Looking back now it was extremely dysfunctional. We would stay up hours on end watching episode after episode (DVD rentals) drinking coffee.
Now Dan thought nothing of this new behavior in me, in fact he liked it, he now had a night time buddy. But I was trying to avoid lying down in the stillness of my bed & thinking. Hurting.
So I would stay up til 2 or 3 in the morning watching Scrubs.
Well, I can't say it so much "helped" me but it did soften the blow by giving me a way to numb out til I was ready to "feel"
And like "One Night With The King" I CAN NOT nor do I have any desire to watch scrubs ever again. In fact when I hear the music it instantly depresses me.
So, I can say that if there were a television program associated with losing my Isaac, this would be it~~but it's not a good feeling that goes along with it.

30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 2

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.

The day of Isaac's funeral my sister organized an invitation to family & friends to come by our home. I hadn't thought of that but she did & I'm more than grateful. I shudder at the thought of having come home to an empty house. After everyone left Dan & I couldn't sleep so we decided to watch a movie.
We decided on "One Night With The King"
The movie is kind of a blend between fiction & non fiction. It's the story of Esther, how she came to be Queen of Persia. It's also a love story & quite beautiful. The whole movie I was on another planet. A planet where my tummy was still growing with Isaac inside me & life was good. In other words I was using the movie to totally numb my feelings. However, the movie ended & I was stuck in reality. Something that hit me & devastated me was the realization that my son would never fall in love. That he wouldn't experience the sweaty palms & butterflies in the stomach. That I would never see him walk up the aisle or hold his children in my arms.
That night I cried deeply for the first time since I was told my son was gone. I cried so hard I scared Dan. I cried so hard that the neighbors heard.
My heart still hurts at the thought of all those losses. And you couldn't pay me to watch that movie ever again in my lifetime.
I love you my Isaac....

30 Posts in 30 Days....

My good friend & fellow blogger posted about this idea she found, check out her blog. She's an amazing woman. Anyway, the concept is for 30 days I answer one question about myself. With October being Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month I thought I'd use my friends modified questions in relation to losing Isaac & Hannah. I know it's already October 4th & I could back track some but it's no biggie, we'll just travel a few days into November K?

Day 1~ A song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore & why.

I have quite a few, so many. Two that pop out are "All That I can Say" by David Crowder Band & "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.
After Hannah died I was just so crushed, I mean we survived burying Isaac, how in the world could God take another child from us. How could he expect me to be anything more than a shell of a human being?? I felt like He'd forgotten me & I was so completely weakened. I felt there was nothing left inside of me & every single breathe I took was a struggle to live. The song "All That I can Say" reminds me of that pain & it's very difficult to listen to now. It's one of my "crying songs"
It's one of the songs I listen to when I've been bottling up my hurt waaaay too long & need to "pour out"
These are the lyrics to that song.

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark Is creeping in
Creeping up To swallow me
I think I'll stop & rest here a while

This is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you set it down

And this is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that That was You washing my feet


The last part of the song always brings me back. I remember that my God was there when I held Isaac for the first & last time. When I kissed my Sweet Hannah's face & never saw her again. When I wept & groaned...He was there, & He was crying too.

The other song "I Can Only Imagine" reminds me of the truth. When I hear it I can close my tear filled eyes & think of my Isaac & Hannah & what it'll be like to hold them. To smell their sweet skin, kiss they're chubby cheeks, & hold they're little hands. Oh the day when Jesus will hold me close & wipe away the tears, when He'll heal my wounded heart & bring me in His glory.

His Ways

Recently, I was going through my pictures. I have them set up on a slide show on my computer, I have over 4000!! I can just set up some music & watch the pics float by. Well, as I was keeping my hands busy in the house I noticed the pictures of our trip to South Haven Michigan had begun to come across the screen. Now, let me just pause here & say. South Haven is "Our Place" Dan & I absolutely love it there, it's so very beautiful & relaxing. It feels like a slice of Heaven, looking out my hotel window this is the view I get.....

It's breathtaking. Dan & I had been going through some trials at that time, things that appeared overwhelming & so big. I got up early one morning & went out on the deck that sits over the lake to read my bible.
In His word I read Isaiah 54:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. I became so excited, I thought "wow God, you're so amazing to give me this word to hold on to" You see, I couldn't understand our current circumstance but I did understand that God & His ways are too awesome for me to comprehend & I could rest my weary soul by trusting in Him.
Later that same day Dan & I walked on the beach, it was quite cold but so wonderful. I felt the pressure lifted & could enjoy time with my love. As we walked along the shore I looked down & spotted a monarch butterfly lying on the sand.

It was obvious it's life was ebbing away. I couldn't walk away, I couldn't leave it there. My heart hurt for this beautiful creature. I thought it'd be best to pick it up & set it gently in the brush to keep it safely tucked away til it passed. However, I was afraid of picking him up & harming his wings, he was so tiny...so fragile. So Dan picked our little friend up, he didn't even attempt to fly away. He just rested comfortably with Dan. We didn't want to set him down, we didn't want to leave him...but we did.
Little did we know 5 months later our lives would be shattered. That we would have to desperately cling to the truth that in fact Gods ways are higher than ours & that we needed to rest in the promise that He knew what was best. My Isaac, we didn't want to leave him, my boy....my son.
We didn't want to walk away that terrible afternoon. That day I wanted to keep him safely tucked away, I wanted his Daddy to hold him & keep him warm. But what we wanted was not part of Gods will for us. His ways crushed our hearts, & on this occasion I felt His ways were so very wrong. I look back now & have no doubt that God gave me that word from Isaiah to hold onto when my son died & every day since then. I also believe with everything that I am that God sent that beautiful Monarch Butterfly to me that day. That He allowed us to be part of the last moments of his life. That Dans warm hands would comfort the sweet creature as he died & that his peaceful beauty would bring comfort to me in the months to come. Some may say that God has too much to do & enough to keep Him busy without sending me little butterflies. But, I know better....God is my loving Abba Father & He knows what speaks to the heart he created in me. He knows that I needed to see that little guy that day & he also blessed me in that I was able to get a picture of Dan holding him. That may not seem like much but it's amazing to me. Let me tell you why, when Isaac was born I held him, I asked Dan if he wanted to hold him-he did but wasn't sure how long we had with him. He told me "sweetie, you hold him~I'll be happy just to see you hold Isaac" I think that is pretty much one of the most selfless things my husband has ever done, it was such an amazing sacrifice & I will forever be indebted to him. But his heart does hurt that he didn't hold his one & only son & although this little butterfly is not Isaac~this picture represents such beauty....

As I look on at Dan tenderly & gently protecting this little guy I get a glimpse into my husband as a father to our Isaac.