My daughter Hope is 6 months old now. I'm so thankful for her, I can't believe a half a year has gone by. Has it really been that long since I first saw her sweet face?I waited what felt like forever to meet her. I honestly had so many ideas of what my life would be like now. I really thought as I neared the end of my pregnancy that I would feel better because it meant we were closer to the finish line. But, it was more than difficult. The closer I got to actually meeting her the more fear I felt that the rug would get yanked out from under me. But Praise God, that didn't happen. He blessed me with my sweet princess & I have the joy of getting to know this precious person. There are new obstacles though. Things that take you by surprise. Like the first time I put her in the nursery at church I was truly stressed. I knew she was in good safe hands but the whole service I was counting the minutes til I could hold her again. Or how I check, recheck, & then check again to make sure she is secure in her car seat. And then we have tonight. Hope's first night sleeping in the nursery...away from me.
I would be lying to say that this isn't more than difficult. This is terrible for me. Honestly, I'm typing so I don't go in there & pick her up!! The truth is my normal logical brain KNOWS she is more than safe. But my heart is screaming "go pick up your baby" Now, I'm not a mom who normally runs in the room at the slightest peep. Actually, I've been known to be the opposite. I've been the friend on the other end of the line supporting a mama who has resolved to train her baby to sleep through the night. Because of that I knew Hopes still being in the room with me was dysfunctional. For me. Personally. And please to set the record straight, I have nothing against Mama's who sleep with their babies for a loooonnng time. Whatever, works for your family works, it's just that I act like a lunatic without good sleep. So to have Hopie with me for this length of time clued me in that something was wrong in my heart. I talked to a good friend who has walked this road & she spoke some good sense to me. Let me put it to you in a nutshell. Basically she said I had to learn to let go, I NEEDED to overcome this obstacle because there will be many more in the future. There are going to be so many "firsts" to be afraid of.
First time sleepovers. First time swimming. First time driving...
Do you know I've already started to dread the first time I give Hope peanut butter out of fear she could have a severe allergic reaction?? Wow, that's not good ya know.
I have to accept the truth, God took my Isaac & Hannah & unfortunately I will NEVER know this side of Heaven why they died. I had no control over the outcome of their lives. There days were numbered & although they were few, they did live. And I loved them every moment. Now my Hope is here, & she is very much alive, I'm smiling a big happy grin right now. So I resolve not to live in perpetual fear of death. Instead I will choose to trust that God has blessed me with this sweet girl to teach me how to trust Him more everyday.
I woke up to a brighter morning today. That's the good thing about God. I'm not asked to live in the past. However, sometimes I choose to. Sometimes I'm very comfortable in the world of yesterday, I look at it through rose colored glasses. After all...that's where Isaac & Hannah were safe. In mama's tummy. Alive. That's when my daughters didn't know the sting of death, & that's when Dan & I spent nights full of laughter talking to our babies. But the dangerous thing about that is there is little hope. You know how this is going to end. You've read the last few sentences of that chapter & slam the book shut. Throw it across the room in frustration screaming "why??" Well, I thank God that He is continually writing my story. That although it felt like life stopped for a while & it kinda did...that He carried me through to the next chapter.
Which is full of Hope. Hope for a future. Hope for joy. Hope for laughter. Hope...
I can not tell you why I'm here. Why I'm in so much pain right now. All I can say is that it is crushing me. God, why does this hafta happen? Why can't it just never hurt again? Is that selfish? Am I wicked?? It's been soooo long. Is that why it's hurting so terrible right now? My little man has been gone 2 years 5 months & 6 days. That's a long time, a really long time. So many smiles I've missed, so many kisses I've not given, so many dreams I wished. He's my one & only son. Oh how that rips at my soul, my son. God, I need you here, right now, holding me because I'm having one of those moments where it's like a truck slammed into me...again. I know these days are fewer & farther between but I'm always thrown down to the ground, mashed into little bits...when they do come. Somehow God always prepares me though. I've been tryin to memorize Psalm 31:1-5. Right now I have the first verse stuck in my head...
1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness.
I am hurting so I am hiding in the refuge of the only one who can & will deliver me. I will cling to Him, I will cling to His truth.
