Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
My worst habit by far is not sleeping.
When Isaac died in February of '08 I stopped sleeping. I always had that problem when I would get upset about something, I just couldn't sleep. I'd lie in bed tossing, turning, & thinking. But with Isaac it was different. I stopped eating & drank a pot of coffee everyday, mind you I didn't drink coffee before. I didn't eat until I was completely famished & weak and then I'd only eat enough to get by. I would stay up all night watching TV, I just didn't want to face tomorrow. I dreaded that moment of opening my eyes to the reality of my son's death. I wouldn't sleep until I was completely exhausted & even then I fought it.
Once Hannah died it was much worse, there were times I stayed awake til God brought the sun up. Now, I still have the same problem. I can't say I don't sleep because of the loss of my children it's just become a terrible habit that is hard to break because I associate sleep with the pain I endured at that time. So, it's definitely dysfunctional & myself, as well as my family is hurt by it. I don't function well on lack of sleep, does anybody??
Therefore, I'm not 100% for my children. And considering I have young ones they need so much of my time & it's hard to give.
I find that for me avoiding sleep is avoiding feelings somehow. If I'm too tired the next day then I have a lot of excuses for my behavior.
Somehow, it's very difficult for me to just rip off the band aid & go to bed. I've been doing this over 2 years now, I'm better~I don't stay up til 2 AM every night but I think I would if I could.
I wish I could say I have some awesome game plan for this dysfunction but I don't. I guess I really oughta start praying about it.
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