My daughter Hope is 6 months old now. I'm so thankful for her, I can't believe a half a year has gone by. Has it really been that long since I first saw her sweet face?I waited what felt like forever to meet her. I honestly had so many ideas of what my life would be like now. I really thought as I neared the end of my pregnancy that I would feel better because it meant we were closer to the finish line. But, it was more than difficult. The closer I got to actually meeting her the more fear I felt that the rug would get yanked out from under me. But Praise God, that didn't happen. He blessed me with my sweet princess & I have the joy of getting to know this precious person. There are new obstacles though. Things that take you by surprise. Like the first time I put her in the nursery at church I was truly stressed. I knew she was in good safe hands but the whole service I was counting the minutes til I could hold her again. Or how I check, recheck, & then check again to make sure she is secure in her car seat. And then we have tonight. Hope's first night sleeping in the nursery...away from me.
I would be lying to say that this isn't more than difficult. This is terrible for me. Honestly, I'm typing so I don't go in there & pick her up!! The truth is my normal logical brain KNOWS she is more than safe. But my heart is screaming "go pick up your baby" Now, I'm not a mom who normally runs in the room at the slightest peep. Actually, I've been known to be the opposite. I've been the friend on the other end of the line supporting a mama who has resolved to train her baby to sleep through the night. Because of that I knew Hopes still being in the room with me was dysfunctional. For me. Personally. And please to set the record straight, I have nothing against Mama's who sleep with their babies for a loooonnng time. Whatever, works for your family works, it's just that I act like a lunatic without good sleep. So to have Hopie with me for this length of time clued me in that something was wrong in my heart. I talked to a good friend who has walked this road & she spoke some good sense to me. Let me put it to you in a nutshell. Basically she said I had to learn to let go, I NEEDED to overcome this obstacle because there will be many more in the future. There are going to be so many "firsts" to be afraid of.
First time sleepovers. First time swimming. First time driving...
Do you know I've already started to dread the first time I give Hope peanut butter out of fear she could have a severe allergic reaction?? Wow, that's not good ya know.
I have to accept the truth, God took my Isaac & Hannah & unfortunately I will NEVER know this side of Heaven why they died. I had no control over the outcome of their lives. There days were numbered & although they were few, they did live. And I loved them every moment. Now my Hope is here, & she is very much alive, I'm smiling a big happy grin right now. So I resolve not to live in perpetual fear of death. Instead I will choose to trust that God has blessed me with this sweet girl to teach me how to trust Him more everyday.
I woke up to a brighter morning today. That's the good thing about God. I'm not asked to live in the past. However, sometimes I choose to. Sometimes I'm very comfortable in the world of yesterday, I look at it through rose colored glasses. After all...that's where Isaac & Hannah were safe. In mama's tummy. Alive. That's when my daughters didn't know the sting of death, & that's when Dan & I spent nights full of laughter talking to our babies. But the dangerous thing about that is there is little hope. You know how this is going to end. You've read the last few sentences of that chapter & slam the book shut. Throw it across the room in frustration screaming "why??" Well, I thank God that He is continually writing my story. That although it felt like life stopped for a while & it kinda did...that He carried me through to the next chapter.
Which is full of Hope. Hope for a future. Hope for joy. Hope for laughter. Hope...
I can not tell you why I'm here. Why I'm in so much pain right now. All I can say is that it is crushing me. God, why does this hafta happen? Why can't it just never hurt again? Is that selfish? Am I wicked?? It's been soooo long. Is that why it's hurting so terrible right now? My little man has been gone 2 years 5 months & 6 days. That's a long time, a really long time. So many smiles I've missed, so many kisses I've not given, so many dreams I wished. He's my one & only son. Oh how that rips at my soul, my son. God, I need you here, right now, holding me because I'm having one of those moments where it's like a truck slammed into me...again. I know these days are fewer & farther between but I'm always thrown down to the ground, mashed into little bits...when they do come. Somehow God always prepares me though. I've been tryin to memorize Psalm 31:1-5. Right now I have the first verse stuck in my head...
1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness.
I am hurting so I am hiding in the refuge of the only one who can & will deliver me. I will cling to Him, I will cling to His truth.
After losing my Isaac & Hannah, I found it very very difficult to be thankful, for much of anything. It would just drive me bonkers when people would say "well, just be thankful for the ones you've got" OOooOOHHHhhh!!! That got under my skin something fierce! I know each & every time someone said that to me it was simply because they didn't understand, they didn't understand that it hurt to hear those words. Why? Because, I was thankful. Probably more thankful than I'd ever been that my other 3 girls were alive & healthy. Thankful that only 18 months earlier God allowed my sweet Nomi girl to be born this side of Heaven. That in His grace I have these children with me here. But, it was still so very hard to be thankful because He had taken Isaac & Hannah. And I wanted them here with me. I wanted more time with them, I wanted to get to know them. And I was NOT THANKFUL that they were gone & that the other 3 were here. Now, it's not that I DIDN'T want my healthy princesses. It just felt like a comparison. Like I wasn't being allowed to grieve & had to hurry up & find something to be happy about. Does that make any sense or am I rambling???
Well, I didn't "hurry up & get happy"....far from it. In fact, I'm still struggling with being joyful in all circumstances. So, I'm going to do what God calls me to do which is "choose joy" Now, that's a whole lot different than "being happy" Being happy is a feeling. That feeling dictates your thoughts, reactions, & choices. Kinda like..."oh, I'm happy, having a good day, things are pretty much goin my way & that makes me happy & I'm gonna act happy now" But joy, that's a choice. Specifically, the Joy of the Lord. See, when your having a bad day, I mean absolutely nothing is going your way. The Earth is literally crumbling beneath your feet & everything inside you is screaming to lay down & die...that's when you CHOOSE JOY.
Because the Joy of the Lord is your Strength. When your not choosing His joy, your not choosing His strength. Your choosing, in fact, to be weakened. Really, telling myself this one. Because it's kinda like helloooo?? Tina?? Are you hearing yourself? Ya need, I mean really NEED to be joyful. How do you plan on gettin joyful?? Hmmmmm? Hmmmm?? Stop talkin the talk if you ain't willin to walk the walk. OK, enough hollering at myself. Yea, me myself & I have many conversations & we often go off on a tangent. Sorry. Well, after going through these trials. I've found a few different ways to "choose joy" One is I say out loud "I'm choosing joy"...which works because it's kinda like sayin to satan "In your face!" and since I can be feisty at times, I like that one. Another is to get on my knees & look to the Lord to deposit in my spirit Joy that doesn't relate to my circumstances. Joy that can only come from Him. Because whatever is happening in my life wouldn't get a joyful response.
Another way I find Joy in Him, is to thank Him.
I can just close my eyes & thank Him. Thank Him for Angie's sweet smile, the way her nose crunches up & she just laughs her heart out. The way she is growing into a young woman who loves God & is beginning to trust Him with her heart. Thank Him for the way Lana loves her sisters. And I mean loves, with a free abandon. She just doesn't care, when she's lovin on her Nomi, she is gonna love her like there's no tomorrow. And speaking of Nomi girl, I can't help but thank Him for this little girl who is so full of life. She is the silliest & cutest little creature you'd ever lay your eyes on. She just wants to make you laugh & she always does. She is a bringer of joy. And then there my Hope...oh God....thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for the toothless grins.... Thank you for the sleepless nights... Thank you for the soft skin... Thank you for the coos & goos.... Thank you for the restoration... Thank you for life....
So, you see....thankfulness....it's a choice. Just like joy is a choice. And my God, He is good in all circumstances. And I choose to be joyful, to thank Him, to forever praise Him.
I am so overwhelmed with hurt today. My heart feels crushed & my soul feels weakened. I have a lot of "stuff" goin on & I suppose that makes me extra sensitive. But over all I'm feelin I'm gonna need a serious cry fest soon. Do you know what I mean? This may sound gross but it's all I can think of to compare...vomit. Yep. Ya know how when something you've eaten doesn't agree with you & as much as you hate it you just know you're gonna hafta...well ...remove the contents of your stomach. That's how I'm feeling. Except, it's soul vomit, (my friend came up with that literary gem) I have all these feelings swirling around inside me & I'm starting to feel, well...sick!! Sick with hurt, sick with pain, sick with anguish!! It's been over 2 years since Isaac went to Heaven & almost 2 since we said goodbye to sweet Hannah Girl. And yet, here I am. Hurting. I know it gets better, I know it doesn't always feel so raw. Really, I do. But today it's really really raw. And what's bugging me is I can't pinpoint what set me off. Usually there is some event or I see a soon to be mama & her swelling belly & I'm thrown back in time. But today I can find nothing to tell me why I'm feeling so sad. Now, I don't want you to think I'm some perfectly pulled together woman with my feelings in check all the time. Me with my neat little ducks, all lined up in there emotionally recovered rows. And now all of a sudden I'm hurting a bit. That's just not true.
I think of Isaac & Hannah............EVERY SINGLE DAY.
And probably will for the rest of my life. At least I hope to. But back to the crying. I know deep down to the tips of my toes that it's coming. And just like in my little gross analogy...I can't stop it. It's going to come outta me & it can be totally out of control & a mess or I can make a date with it I suppose. Is that weird? To make a date with crying? To "control" it? Well, I suppose it's both weird & good. Hey! It's weird good. That pretty much encompasses my character =) Again, back to crying. I think it's good, for me to schedule my overboard, hysterical, moaning, anguish filled weeping. Good, because when I let it out, it really is a torrential storm & nothing but God can calm it. Weird to you? Because well, maybe you've never been where I'm at today. But, that's OK. Because I get the feeling you can relate. So, anyway I'm gonna head to my Ipod. I'm gonna set up my "make me cry" playlist (yea, I actually made one for this very reason) I'm gonna get my bible out & read through the Psalms with my Jesus. And I'm gonna cry.
Lord I'm tired...so tired from walkin & Lord, I'm so alone The dark is creeping in.... Creepin up to swallow me I think I'll stop & rest here a while.
These words, they're from a song. They really convey where my heart is. I have to stop. I need rest. This morning my stepmother called to let me know my cousin had just had her daughter. She was stillborn. I've been busy the past few hours. I called my cousin, we talked a few minutes. Then I called the funeral director who helped us with Isaac & Hannah. Then I got on the phone with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, professional photographers who offer a free service for occasions such as these. I spoke to a friend to help me figure out the best way to approach my cousin. Well, now...there's nothing for me to do. My cousin is doing everything I'd planned on advising her to do. It's just that when your in the middle of the mess you don't think of everything so I was desperate to get to her & help her. But surprisingly she HAS thought of quite a bit. So now here I am....thinking...feeling. And ya know what? I don't want to.... But OK I will, cuz if I don't I'm gonna scream. I'm gonna break something & just scream! I'll tell you what, this is just plain ole hard. I mean it's just not fair. My cousin has no other children, this is her first & she doesn't get to keep her. She has to say goodbye. Not fair. Recently a woman asked me how did I stay so faithful to God? How come I didn't get angry with Him? Can I let you in on a secret? I did get angry then & honestly I'm kinda angry now. Not knock down drag out angry like before but I feel I could get a little ugly right now. And I'm frustrated too. Frustration that I can do nothing to stop the hurt. The knowledge that my cousin has to walk through this as I did & that there is no way around it. Frustration that this is the ministry God has called me to & it's so very heavy. So filled with hurt & sometimes I just don't think I have the strength to do it. Sometimes, I just wanna crawl under my bed & ignore the tears. Ignore the pain.
But, I can't....God didn't design me that way. Instead He designed me with a heart in tune with anothers pain. When He brought this ministry to me, He laid it so heavy on my heart that I can not ignore it. So I will be there for my cousin in every way she will allow me. I will hurt with her, I will cry with her, listen to her, or just be quiet...........with her. And through it, I will remember. I will remember Isaac's ears...Hannah's hands, Isaac's little feet & Hannah's sweet baby smell.
So, I'm just gonna stop....I'm gonna stop & rest with Jesus a while. I'm gonna let him refresh me...I'm tired. I'm gonna let Him fill me up because I feel so very empty right now. I'm gonna let Him hold me because I'm certain the tears will be here soon. And above all...I'm gonna trust Him because He's all that I need.
