Hi Friends,
As you very well know I'm not here blogging as often as I used to be. I began a new blog some time back & have incorporated Isaac & Hannah into that one. My other blog is more of my day to day life. Considering Isaac & Hannah's names are on my lips as often as my other children, I felt it made sense to combine the two blogs.
Thank you for loving on me during my hurts & holding my hand during my fears. I will continue to hold your names & faces in my heart & pray for this beautiful group of women I've found.
In Him,
Tina
Revelation 21:4
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Christmas Memories
I came across a post from Sufficient Grace Ministries sister site, Walking With You~Bereavement Support. It was about remembering our little ones in Heaven at Christmas.
I need to be totally honest, the thought of Christmas without Isaac & Hannah brings a terrible knot to my stomach. This is my 3rd year without them & the tension in me begins to rise. I start feeling an inner countdown to just survive the holiday.
Now, I think up till right now, at this moment, I've denied that. I really don't think even Dan knows how painful this time of the year is for me. There's a certain amount of guilt mixed in, like I oughta be more happy. It is Christmas after all, & we celebrate the birth of Christ so shouldn't I be really joyful??
Well, I haven't been, although I do smile & enjoy Advent & seeing the excitement on the kids faces, there's the continual dull ache inside me.
Well, this post I read at WWY really challenged me, I don't think that was Kelly's intention. Or maybe it was, but it challenged me.
How can I honor my babies??
In the past I've tried buying an ornament for both Isaac & Hannah but found nothing "good enough" for them. I would just roam the store for an hour & eventually leave sick & crying.
However, this year I was blessed to receive Wings from Angel Wings~Memorial Boutique
so I have some "ornaments" for my babies.
Here's a pic of them both
I need to be totally honest, the thought of Christmas without Isaac & Hannah brings a terrible knot to my stomach. This is my 3rd year without them & the tension in me begins to rise. I start feeling an inner countdown to just survive the holiday.
Now, I think up till right now, at this moment, I've denied that. I really don't think even Dan knows how painful this time of the year is for me. There's a certain amount of guilt mixed in, like I oughta be more happy. It is Christmas after all, & we celebrate the birth of Christ so shouldn't I be really joyful??
Well, I haven't been, although I do smile & enjoy Advent & seeing the excitement on the kids faces, there's the continual dull ache inside me.
Well, this post I read at WWY really challenged me, I don't think that was Kelly's intention. Or maybe it was, but it challenged me.
How can I honor my babies??
In the past I've tried buying an ornament for both Isaac & Hannah but found nothing "good enough" for them. I would just roam the store for an hour & eventually leave sick & crying.
However, this year I was blessed to receive Wings from Angel Wings~Memorial Boutique
so I have some "ornaments" for my babies.
Here's a pic of them both
So I hung them on the tree & you know what? It felt really good!!
Then I read the post from WWY & my mind suddenly felt less fogged & cluttered & I realized my perspective has been all wrong!
Yes, my babies being gone is going to continue to give me that dull ache, maybe til the day I die.
Probably.
BUT......
I need to see this accurately, Christ came to save me. He came to bring me everlasting life through His death & Resurrection & through His overcoming death I not only have salvation, I will see Isaac & Hannah again!!
There will be a day when I will feel no more pain or hurt & I will rejoice in Heaven, praising my Savior. And I will be rejoicing WITH MY CHILDREN!!
Woo-hoo!! Pretty awesome isn't it???
That change in perspective really got me excited about making memories with my girls & including my little ones that are waiting in Heaven for me.
I thought maybe they would like to make ornaments for Isaac & Hannah, & maybe I'll make some stockings for them.
We could write Christmas letters to our babies & release them to Heaven tied to balloons.
There are so many things we could do.
I know it's still gonna be difficult but I think making a conscience effort to find joy in all circumstances will make a world of difference.
Mama loves you my Butterfly Babies....
Then I read the post from WWY & my mind suddenly felt less fogged & cluttered & I realized my perspective has been all wrong!
Yes, my babies being gone is going to continue to give me that dull ache, maybe til the day I die.
Probably.
BUT......
I need to see this accurately, Christ came to save me. He came to bring me everlasting life through His death & Resurrection & through His overcoming death I not only have salvation, I will see Isaac & Hannah again!!
There will be a day when I will feel no more pain or hurt & I will rejoice in Heaven, praising my Savior. And I will be rejoicing WITH MY CHILDREN!!
Woo-hoo!! Pretty awesome isn't it???
That change in perspective really got me excited about making memories with my girls & including my little ones that are waiting in Heaven for me.
I thought maybe they would like to make ornaments for Isaac & Hannah, & maybe I'll make some stockings for them.
We could write Christmas letters to our babies & release them to Heaven tied to balloons.
There are so many things we could do.
I know it's still gonna be difficult but I think making a conscience effort to find joy in all circumstances will make a world of difference.
Mama loves you my Butterfly Babies....
Monday, November 29, 2010
Fear
With the holiday season approaching I have felt down but have recently decided I will not allow the depression to rule me. However, the fear creeps in to replace it. I'm sure you BLM's can relate, the fear that makes no sense & just washes over you.
Fear to let your husband drive away because maybe he won't come home.
Fear to let your child fall asleep because maybe he won't wake up.
Fear to watch your parent walk out the door because maybe she'll never return.
When you've gone through sudden death the fear is different...at least to me. It's not the fear of death I have as much as the fear of shock, the fear of anguish, the fear of emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness. That's been happening to me since the day I heard the words "no heartbeat"
Then once I "survived" burying my son, when I finally began to feel somewhat human again my life was torn to shreds by the words being uttered again.
"NO HEARTBEAT"
My worst fear had come to pass. My Hannah who was supposed to live, she was supposed to bring the laughter back to my lifeless body.
She died.
But how could that be??
Wasn't God supposed to protect me from my terror? Wasn't He supposed to hide me underneath the shadow of His wing?
The boogy man had come & attacked & was God sitting idly by allowing such havoc???
All these questions continue to raid my mind from time to time, the holidays make me ripe for the picking. I am so vulnerable to the wiles of satan but thank God I'm becoming more aware to the assault. I'm seeing that if satan can get me to question God more & more, then I will focus on myself & my circumstances instead of the truth of who God is, thus making me even more vulnerable. You see the enemy doesn't come to bug, bother, & irritate. He comes to STEAL, KILL, & DESTROY.
His main purpose is to crush me...and YOU....into oblivion. And as lowly as it is he will use the death of our children to do it. He will take the precious sweet innocent lives of these perfect babies & use them against us.
Against God.
It really is offensive isn't it??
I stand by the fact that there will always be questions in my mind for God & why He took Isaac & Hannah. And honestly, I'm still mad. Still hurt. Still disappointed.
And yes...I still get very afraid.
However, I will not cling to fear, I will cling to my God. When the fear washes over me...because it will, I will hold fast to His word. He will never leave me nor will He forsake me. He loves me & He will protect me. Even in the worse pit I found myself in & my darkest days when there was little if any hope, He was there. So I will continue to believe in the shelter of the Most High God, He is my hiding place & my fortress.
This is a wonderful post about loss & learning to trust again through the fear.
http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/2010/11/learning-to-trust-again.html
Fear to let your husband drive away because maybe he won't come home.
Fear to let your child fall asleep because maybe he won't wake up.
Fear to watch your parent walk out the door because maybe she'll never return.
When you've gone through sudden death the fear is different...at least to me. It's not the fear of death I have as much as the fear of shock, the fear of anguish, the fear of emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness. That's been happening to me since the day I heard the words "no heartbeat"
Then once I "survived" burying my son, when I finally began to feel somewhat human again my life was torn to shreds by the words being uttered again.
"NO HEARTBEAT"
My worst fear had come to pass. My Hannah who was supposed to live, she was supposed to bring the laughter back to my lifeless body.
She died.
But how could that be??
Wasn't God supposed to protect me from my terror? Wasn't He supposed to hide me underneath the shadow of His wing?
The boogy man had come & attacked & was God sitting idly by allowing such havoc???
All these questions continue to raid my mind from time to time, the holidays make me ripe for the picking. I am so vulnerable to the wiles of satan but thank God I'm becoming more aware to the assault. I'm seeing that if satan can get me to question God more & more, then I will focus on myself & my circumstances instead of the truth of who God is, thus making me even more vulnerable. You see the enemy doesn't come to bug, bother, & irritate. He comes to STEAL, KILL, & DESTROY.
His main purpose is to crush me...and YOU....into oblivion. And as lowly as it is he will use the death of our children to do it. He will take the precious sweet innocent lives of these perfect babies & use them against us.
Against God.
It really is offensive isn't it??
I stand by the fact that there will always be questions in my mind for God & why He took Isaac & Hannah. And honestly, I'm still mad. Still hurt. Still disappointed.
And yes...I still get very afraid.
However, I will not cling to fear, I will cling to my God. When the fear washes over me...because it will, I will hold fast to His word. He will never leave me nor will He forsake me. He loves me & He will protect me. Even in the worse pit I found myself in & my darkest days when there was little if any hope, He was there. So I will continue to believe in the shelter of the Most High God, He is my hiding place & my fortress.
Isaiah 41:10 (New King James Version)
10 Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’
This is a wonderful post about loss & learning to trust again through the fear.
http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/2010/11/learning-to-trust-again.html
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thanksgiving
The past few days have been a blur. I called it my "Turkey Run"
Thursday we went by my mama, Friday my in-laws, today my dad's.
I'm tired. I'm glad though, to have kept busy. I know, I know...when there's things to think about & "feel" you really should just feel it & not stay busy. But I kinda feel like God was making this choice for me, He reminded me of all there is to be grateful for. In my last post I wrote about how painful it is to talk about gratefulness WITHOUT my children here with me. And I'm not gonna change that, I feel more pain than words can express that Isaac & Hannah are not here.
But, I am grateful for so much. I'm so thankful God allowed me to carry them, I wish I could have kept them in my tummy a whole lot longer but the fact that I did get to feel them & hear their little hearts beating is wonderful. I actually got to hold them, to look at little Isaac's feet & hold Hannah's hand. I can still close my eyes & smell them. Isn't that amazing?? I never ever thought I'd bury two children but I am grateful that I was able to honor them with a funeral. That I have a place to go & leave them flowers & just sit & sing to them. I'm never going to be able to fully accept that my children died. God knows that & He knows me & I can't say that I know His mind in all this but I think He's OK with me not accepting it. I don't mean I'll be forever bitter & angry, I'm not. But, I'll never be able to say "OK, I'm over this now"
What will happen, what is happening is that I'm becoming OK with who I am. I am a mother who has two children who died.
AND I AM THANKFUL FOR THEM.
They are my babies & I'm proud & honored to be their Mama.
Isaac is my only son & although his feet never touched the Earth, he changed the world! Hannah is my princess & she makes me a better mommy. I think of both of these blessings, YES! I did say blessings & I'm so thankful that God would choose ME to tell their story. That He chose me to carry them & minister to others through their deaths.
This may not be the Thanksgiving I pictured but I will show gratitude for His good gifts. Even if their not wrapped up in the pretty paper I expected. My God is good & my children are beautiful & I thank Him for them.
Psalm 100: 1-5
Thursday we went by my mama, Friday my in-laws, today my dad's.
I'm tired. I'm glad though, to have kept busy. I know, I know...when there's things to think about & "feel" you really should just feel it & not stay busy. But I kinda feel like God was making this choice for me, He reminded me of all there is to be grateful for. In my last post I wrote about how painful it is to talk about gratefulness WITHOUT my children here with me. And I'm not gonna change that, I feel more pain than words can express that Isaac & Hannah are not here.
But, I am grateful for so much. I'm so thankful God allowed me to carry them, I wish I could have kept them in my tummy a whole lot longer but the fact that I did get to feel them & hear their little hearts beating is wonderful. I actually got to hold them, to look at little Isaac's feet & hold Hannah's hand. I can still close my eyes & smell them. Isn't that amazing?? I never ever thought I'd bury two children but I am grateful that I was able to honor them with a funeral. That I have a place to go & leave them flowers & just sit & sing to them. I'm never going to be able to fully accept that my children died. God knows that & He knows me & I can't say that I know His mind in all this but I think He's OK with me not accepting it. I don't mean I'll be forever bitter & angry, I'm not. But, I'll never be able to say "OK, I'm over this now"
What will happen, what is happening is that I'm becoming OK with who I am. I am a mother who has two children who died.
AND I AM THANKFUL FOR THEM.
They are my babies & I'm proud & honored to be their Mama.
Isaac is my only son & although his feet never touched the Earth, he changed the world! Hannah is my princess & she makes me a better mommy. I think of both of these blessings, YES! I did say blessings & I'm so thankful that God would choose ME to tell their story. That He chose me to carry them & minister to others through their deaths.
This may not be the Thanksgiving I pictured but I will show gratitude for His good gifts. Even if their not wrapped up in the pretty paper I expected. My God is good & my children are beautiful & I thank Him for them.
Psalm 100: 1-5
1 Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. 2 Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. 3 Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. 5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Not Good
I can honestly say I'm not doing great right now. I'm feeling quite down. I have all sorts of swirling emotions & I refuse to just stay in this "place" & be depressed. But, I'm feeling altogether down & can't get a grasp on why. I guess it's the holiday season approaching. I'm just not into it. Thanksgiving is right around the corner & every evening after dinner we express gratitude. Yesterday, we played the "I spy" thankfulness game. The girls had lots of fun keeping us guessing trying to figure out what they were thankful for. Tonight, we picked someone at the table & said one thing we were grateful for. Those moment feel sweet but they kinda hurt. I feel like I'm being ungrateful for saying that but it's true. Isaac should be 2!! Two years old! He should be rambling some sweet little baby talk to us. He should be here & he's not. And it really sucks.
Christmas is so painful. I love Christmas morning & it's so crazy around here with wrapping paper & giggles. But it's the days leading up to it. It's the shopping. I always feel so guilty for not buying anything for Isaac & Hannah. I mean I get them a little something for their headstones but that is really twisted ya know??
I mean hear I am buying baby dolls & puzzles for my other kids & I am spending hours, no! days looking for the "perfect" something for my children in a cemetery. How messed up is that? I mean what do you say to the saleslady "ummm...I need something for my daughter, she died 2 years ago & I never got to know her so I'm not sure what she would like, what do you suggest???"
It's just not fair....
I've never bought an ornament for Isaac & Hannah. Nothing was right. Nothing was good enough.
I've not bought any ornaments since Christmas 2007. This year I think I'm just gonna buy a family ornament & include them. I think that'll make me feel better.
A little....
At least in that family "picture" all my babies will be there.
Christmas is so painful. I love Christmas morning & it's so crazy around here with wrapping paper & giggles. But it's the days leading up to it. It's the shopping. I always feel so guilty for not buying anything for Isaac & Hannah. I mean I get them a little something for their headstones but that is really twisted ya know??
I mean hear I am buying baby dolls & puzzles for my other kids & I am spending hours, no! days looking for the "perfect" something for my children in a cemetery. How messed up is that? I mean what do you say to the saleslady "ummm...I need something for my daughter, she died 2 years ago & I never got to know her so I'm not sure what she would like, what do you suggest???"
It's just not fair....
I've never bought an ornament for Isaac & Hannah. Nothing was right. Nothing was good enough.
I've not bought any ornaments since Christmas 2007. This year I think I'm just gonna buy a family ornament & include them. I think that'll make me feel better.
A little....
At least in that family "picture" all my babies will be there.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Who am I??
Is this really me? This isn't what I signed up for, my dream for years was to have lots of children. But not this way, not with 2 in Heaven. Am I really "that lady" who's children died???
Am I the woman you see crying at the cemetery? Am I really the woman who smiles but always carries the ache of holding a lifeless body in my arms??
Why is this me?
This is not supposed to be me!!!
I'm supposed to be the one that doesn't understand " that smiles awkwardly not knowing what to say"
I'm not the one who receives the strange crooked smile with no words behind it & the look of pity. Oh, how I truly loathe that look!
Well, in case you haven't noticed I'm in a bad mood today. Honestly, I had no idea that 30 day challenge would be so....well, CHALLENGING!!
It made me think of feelings that hurt & feelings that are unfair & unwanted.
I do not want to know what it is like to bury my child. Wait I mean children!!
Recently someone told me I've been snippy lately & maybe your thinking I should be offended but let me clarify that this is someone who has been more than supportive in my loss OK?
And guess what? I am snippy, I'm really freakin angry when I stop & think about it. I mean most days are good but other days there's this searing red hot anger in there ready to burst forth & destroy.
So, yea~I'm snippy.
And I needed to hear that because I think I was ready to lose it on people I love.
I'm somewhat upset with God again, it comes back & forth in waves. Usually, I can deal with it quickly, I say "God, I'm mad at you....again, why did you take Isaac & Hannah? Please help me not to be mad at you Lord because the only way to survive is with YOU"
But, this time I didn't do that & now I don't feel so great.
Honestly, I'm really glad for who God is & the way HE talks to me, Tina.
Because He knows I'll avoid Him because once I really open up I'll start crying & hurting & I hate the build up of that. I know that afterwards I'll feel better but it's the dread of being weak. I'm not good at that.
Anyway, I was on FB & saw that my friend blogged & I read it. Her post moved my heart but what took me by surprise was the song that was playing, Selah~All My Praise.
I've heard this song countless times & I enjoy it each & every time but these words jumped out at me:
I will follow you through dark disaster
And sing hallelujah through the pain
Even in the shadow of death I will praise
Even in the valley I will say
Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise
I had to stop right there & pray, I wept before my God & cried to Him how much I love Him & how very sorry I am. I'm sorry because in my hurt anger & pride I intentionally pushed Him away. I still am angry but not at Him. I'm angry because my children died & that merits being angry. It's a good reason to be upset. I'm angry because dreams I had for them are not going to be fulfilled. I'm angry because my 3 girls had to survive the death of their siblings & I couldn't protect them from that.
But am I mad at God???
NO.
Will I feel mad at Him again? Probably.
But, I will not let it go too far again. Because He is holy, & He is worthy to be praised. I will praise Him with a broken heart, I will praise Him with a tear streaked face, I will praise Him because he is MY GOD.
Am I the woman you see crying at the cemetery? Am I really the woman who smiles but always carries the ache of holding a lifeless body in my arms??
Why is this me?
This is not supposed to be me!!!
I'm supposed to be the one that doesn't understand " that smiles awkwardly not knowing what to say"
I'm not the one who receives the strange crooked smile with no words behind it & the look of pity. Oh, how I truly loathe that look!
Well, in case you haven't noticed I'm in a bad mood today. Honestly, I had no idea that 30 day challenge would be so....well, CHALLENGING!!
It made me think of feelings that hurt & feelings that are unfair & unwanted.
I do not want to know what it is like to bury my child. Wait I mean children!!
Recently someone told me I've been snippy lately & maybe your thinking I should be offended but let me clarify that this is someone who has been more than supportive in my loss OK?
And guess what? I am snippy, I'm really freakin angry when I stop & think about it. I mean most days are good but other days there's this searing red hot anger in there ready to burst forth & destroy.
So, yea~I'm snippy.
And I needed to hear that because I think I was ready to lose it on people I love.
I'm somewhat upset with God again, it comes back & forth in waves. Usually, I can deal with it quickly, I say "God, I'm mad at you....again, why did you take Isaac & Hannah? Please help me not to be mad at you Lord because the only way to survive is with YOU"
But, this time I didn't do that & now I don't feel so great.
Honestly, I'm really glad for who God is & the way HE talks to me, Tina.
Because He knows I'll avoid Him because once I really open up I'll start crying & hurting & I hate the build up of that. I know that afterwards I'll feel better but it's the dread of being weak. I'm not good at that.
Anyway, I was on FB & saw that my friend blogged & I read it. Her post moved my heart but what took me by surprise was the song that was playing, Selah~All My Praise.
I've heard this song countless times & I enjoy it each & every time but these words jumped out at me:
I will follow you through dark disaster
And sing hallelujah through the pain
Even in the shadow of death I will praise
Even in the valley I will say
Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise
I had to stop right there & pray, I wept before my God & cried to Him how much I love Him & how very sorry I am. I'm sorry because in my hurt anger & pride I intentionally pushed Him away. I still am angry but not at Him. I'm angry because my children died & that merits being angry. It's a good reason to be upset. I'm angry because dreams I had for them are not going to be fulfilled. I'm angry because my 3 girls had to survive the death of their siblings & I couldn't protect them from that.
But am I mad at God???
NO.
Will I feel mad at Him again? Probably.
But, I will not let it go too far again. Because He is holy, & He is worthy to be praised. I will praise Him with a broken heart, I will praise Him with a tear streaked face, I will praise Him because he is MY GOD.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days...Day 30....Finally
Day 30 - a dream for the future
As I thought about today & this question the one "dream" that kept coming to mind was Babies...more babies.
That's my honest true dream. To have a house full of children, I already have 6 including Isaac & Hannah so why stop? It's already a big number so why don't we make it bigger?? I don't know what God's plans are but I know that when I think of "stopping" my heart aches.
When I think of the future I have this vision, I envision myself as this little old lady, sitting in my living room, my wrinkled frail hand in Dan's, & surrounding us our so so many children! I see my children, & their children, & their children. And oh how we all love one another & even more so we love God. We spend time in prayer & worship & my great grand babies cuddle up in my arms & even in my very old age I am still honored to breathe in that sweet baby scent.
I see my husband revered as the patriarch of the family, although he is aged the men consider his words of worth & value looking to him as a man of character.
Women come to me with their daughters seeking advice & wisdom from me as God has grown me in Him over the years. They rise up & call me blessed (Prov 31:28)
I thank God for the honor of blessing me with children, I have yet to know if He will see fit to bless me with more. I hope He does, it's my dream.
As I thought about today & this question the one "dream" that kept coming to mind was Babies...more babies.
That's my honest true dream. To have a house full of children, I already have 6 including Isaac & Hannah so why stop? It's already a big number so why don't we make it bigger?? I don't know what God's plans are but I know that when I think of "stopping" my heart aches.
When I think of the future I have this vision, I envision myself as this little old lady, sitting in my living room, my wrinkled frail hand in Dan's, & surrounding us our so so many children! I see my children, & their children, & their children. And oh how we all love one another & even more so we love God. We spend time in prayer & worship & my great grand babies cuddle up in my arms & even in my very old age I am still honored to breathe in that sweet baby scent.
I see my husband revered as the patriarch of the family, although he is aged the men consider his words of worth & value looking to him as a man of character.
Women come to me with their daughters seeking advice & wisdom from me as God has grown me in Him over the years. They rise up & call me blessed (Prov 31:28)
I thank God for the honor of blessing me with children, I have yet to know if He will see fit to bless me with more. I hope He does, it's my dream.
Friday, October 29, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 29
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Wow, where would I like to be during the next year? That's a really big question. I know physically I plan to lose weight & already have a wonderful group of women supporting me when I begin this upcoming Monday. So by this time next year I'd like there to be "less of me" & for there to be consistent good eating habits. Also, I'd like to make a serious dent in recovering from the debt we're in & to be headed toward purchasing our own home. After Dan's surgery & his being laid off for 7 months we need to pay off some big bills & I want to get those taken care of over the next 365 days.
Hopes?
I'd like to start making more baskets for BLM's. I've made a few & really like blessing Mommie's with them but haven't had the funds, I really hope God provides for that ministry over the next year.
And Dreams????
I dream of living life fully~of dancing with my daughters, laughing with my husband & praising God with abandon.....
Wow, where would I like to be during the next year? That's a really big question. I know physically I plan to lose weight & already have a wonderful group of women supporting me when I begin this upcoming Monday. So by this time next year I'd like there to be "less of me" & for there to be consistent good eating habits. Also, I'd like to make a serious dent in recovering from the debt we're in & to be headed toward purchasing our own home. After Dan's surgery & his being laid off for 7 months we need to pay off some big bills & I want to get those taken care of over the next 365 days.
Hopes?
I'd like to start making more baskets for BLM's. I've made a few & really like blessing Mommie's with them but haven't had the funds, I really hope God provides for that ministry over the next year.
And Dreams????
I dream of living life fully~of dancing with my daughters, laughing with my husband & praising God with abandon.....
Thursday, October 28, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 28
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Miscellaneous receipts & coupons,
chap stick,
eye drops,
several tubes of lipstick,
lotion,
hydrocortisone cream,
sunglasses,
a straw,
3 pairs of socks,
my wallet,
......and a dog.
Miscellaneous receipts & coupons,
chap stick,
eye drops,
several tubes of lipstick,
lotion,
hydrocortisone cream,
sunglasses,
a straw,
3 pairs of socks,
my wallet,
......and a dog.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days.....Day 27
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
My worst habit by far is not sleeping.
When Isaac died in February of '08 I stopped sleeping. I always had that problem when I would get upset about something, I just couldn't sleep. I'd lie in bed tossing, turning, & thinking. But with Isaac it was different. I stopped eating & drank a pot of coffee everyday, mind you I didn't drink coffee before. I didn't eat until I was completely famished & weak and then I'd only eat enough to get by. I would stay up all night watching TV, I just didn't want to face tomorrow. I dreaded that moment of opening my eyes to the reality of my son's death. I wouldn't sleep until I was completely exhausted & even then I fought it.
Once Hannah died it was much worse, there were times I stayed awake til God brought the sun up. Now, I still have the same problem. I can't say I don't sleep because of the loss of my children it's just become a terrible habit that is hard to break because I associate sleep with the pain I endured at that time. So, it's definitely dysfunctional & myself, as well as my family is hurt by it. I don't function well on lack of sleep, does anybody??
Therefore, I'm not 100% for my children. And considering I have young ones they need so much of my time & it's hard to give.
I find that for me avoiding sleep is avoiding feelings somehow. If I'm too tired the next day then I have a lot of excuses for my behavior.
Somehow, it's very difficult for me to just rip off the band aid & go to bed. I've been doing this over 2 years now, I'm better~I don't stay up til 2 AM every night but I think I would if I could.
I wish I could say I have some awesome game plan for this dysfunction but I don't. I guess I really oughta start praying about it.
My worst habit by far is not sleeping.
When Isaac died in February of '08 I stopped sleeping. I always had that problem when I would get upset about something, I just couldn't sleep. I'd lie in bed tossing, turning, & thinking. But with Isaac it was different. I stopped eating & drank a pot of coffee everyday, mind you I didn't drink coffee before. I didn't eat until I was completely famished & weak and then I'd only eat enough to get by. I would stay up all night watching TV, I just didn't want to face tomorrow. I dreaded that moment of opening my eyes to the reality of my son's death. I wouldn't sleep until I was completely exhausted & even then I fought it.
Once Hannah died it was much worse, there were times I stayed awake til God brought the sun up. Now, I still have the same problem. I can't say I don't sleep because of the loss of my children it's just become a terrible habit that is hard to break because I associate sleep with the pain I endured at that time. So, it's definitely dysfunctional & myself, as well as my family is hurt by it. I don't function well on lack of sleep, does anybody??
Therefore, I'm not 100% for my children. And considering I have young ones they need so much of my time & it's hard to give.
I find that for me avoiding sleep is avoiding feelings somehow. If I'm too tired the next day then I have a lot of excuses for my behavior.
Somehow, it's very difficult for me to just rip off the band aid & go to bed. I've been doing this over 2 years now, I'm better~I don't stay up til 2 AM every night but I think I would if I could.
I wish I could say I have some awesome game plan for this dysfunction but I don't. I guess I really oughta start praying about it.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days.....Day 26
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Honestly, yesterday posting my day in great detail was really difficult. I really have a full plate & coming back & forth to the computer was not fun. I think it was OK that once but to post my week in great detail would take several weeks to put together. So, unfortunately I'm opting out of this one.
But hey, maybe I'll do it another time.
Honestly, yesterday posting my day in great detail was really difficult. I really have a full plate & coming back & forth to the computer was not fun. I think it was OK that once but to post my week in great detail would take several weeks to put together. So, unfortunately I'm opting out of this one.
But hey, maybe I'll do it another time.
Monday, October 25, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days......Day 25 *lots of mentions of baby*
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
OK, I'm gonna try to work on this periodically throughout the next 10 hours or so cuz really, it's a lot of work to give my day "in great detail"
So, I woke up around 6:15 to Hopie's baby coos & talking. I really love when I wake up to those sweet sounds as opposed to having slept through that & now she's ticked & screaming for me. So this morning's alarm clock was a blessing. Honestly, I'm so groggy in the morning I really can't remember if I nursed her or not....I must have but it's a blur...OH!! Yea! Nursed in bed & fell asleep for about 10 minutes more & then she was grinning & talking with a full belly so we got up =)
I took her in the living room & put her in her Exersaucer to play while I got my morning started. I got a big glass of water & a Ghobani Greek Yogurt, so so sooooo yummy. But before having my morning snack I prayed. Ooh! I was having a hard time!! It's so hard the first few minutes to close my eyes & not fall back asleep, I mean I sit up & pray but maybe I should perch my toosh on the end of the sofa so I'm not too comfy =)
Anyway, God & I had a good talk, I really like Him. I know that sounds juvenile to some or maybe just too simple. But that's the truth, I really LIKE my God.
Then I texted Good Morning to my Angie Girl before she was off to school. I miss her ;(
OK, next I read His word, 1st & 2nd John & Psalm 1, not as much reading as I woulda liked but then Nomi woke up. Picture this~a petite girl with mussed up brown hair with a few wispy curls framing her face. She's all puffy eyed & smiles, with a yawn she says "Good Morning Mama"
I have happy smiles right now.
So she cuddles with me & chews on an apple as I finish up my Bible. Hope is bouncing & giggling~so far it's a good morning. Then the crabby Bear is up~Lana. I love my bear but she's not easy to please. She woke up complaining that we were too loud (?????) so I told her she needed to lay back down, she said she wanted to be with us so I said she could as long as she didn't complain.
At this point I was getting goofy tired again so I knew I was gonna fall asleep. I flipped on the TV & watched Dr. Creflo Dollar~he's pretty good, I've heard of him but never heard him preach. His sermon was encouraging & challenging & most definitely kept me awake!!
My Lana was feeling better & was smiley now.
So the girls got dressed & I warmed up some "pancapes" Angie cooked Saturday & gave Hope cereal, I always mash bananas in there & this time added a strawberry too. She was more then pleased :)
So now here we are, 3 hours later from where I began this post. Hope is having her morning nap, the girls are playing at the table & we're about to start school in just over 10 minutes.
......OK, for you it's been 1 or 2 seconds since the last sentence~for me it's been several hours & I'm pooped. School this morning DID NOT GO WELL. Hopie started fussing & screaming right away & I realized I didn't give her pain reliever for her teething gums. So I picked her up, gave her meds, & loved on her a bit. I laid her back down & she was very upset with me, so I'm trying to have a math lesson with Lana while going over Naomi's workbook with her & Hope is howling. I heard a loud thud & went running & praying into the bedroom thinking she fell out of the crib. Thank God she didn't, she must of been standing & fell backwards bonking her noggin on the headboard. After that ordeal I decided to throw in the towel & let her get up & we'd pick up our lessons after lunch. After she was happy on the & lose I realized I had to switch loads down in the basement =(
So I asked Lan to keep in eye on her as I ran like a maniac at top speed so my babies wouldn't be alone.
After I flew as fast as I could back upstairs I thoroughly enjoyed rollin around on the floor with my Rainbow Baby while the girls watched Micky Mouse Clubhouse. I gotta say, I love that show, it's pretty cute. Well, a little after 12 Hopie started rubbin her eyes & I gave her some lunch & laid her down. As I walked outta her room I looked across the hall to the bathroom & saw wet tissue stuck to the floor. Which only means one thing, Nomi peed on the floor & tried to clean it without telling me. But how could this be??
She was at that very moment laying on the floor watchin her show with the same clothes on.....
well, her pants were all wet!!!!!
I didn't have a good moment then, nowhere near a good moment. I was very very upset. I put her in the corner for not telling me. Peeing on the floor is an understandable mistake, trying to clean it up is actually very responsible but keeping the pee-pee clothes on. Mommy didn't handle that well.
So after I was more clear headed she & I cleaned up the bathroom floor with a bucket of vinegar & water. She kept telling me the floor was "duh-gusting'
Yea!! I know!!!!
The girls are waiting on some Mac n Cheese & so am I. I switched loads again just now & am planning on having some Astronomy & Literature lessons with the girls after we have our vittles. We'll see how that goes.
.....OK, it's now almost 8 pm. Hopie is in bed for the night aside from her 10 pm feeding with Mama, Nomi is eating some cookies for dessert, & Lana just finished up brushing her teeth.
However, I did stop with lunch so let me back up a bit. The girls & I had lunch with some homemade applesauce we made over the weekend =)
Lana wrote a story about "Dan & Jan" & read it to me with her own illustrations. Pretty cool. After a bit of time with me, the older girls played in their room with their princess tent while Hopie & I hung out. A little while after that I went to get the laundry from the basement after dropping a candle holder on my foot...nice. Things are startin to get kinda boring so I'll hit the highlights of the evening~Dan came home & we had a supper of Corned Beef & Cabbage, I just had the taste for it & it was yummy. I had to laugh because while it was cooking Nomi kept saying "something stinks" but she sure did wolf it down!!
During dinner Dan slipped over, looked me in the eye & said sweet things that took my breath away. Those words are mine to hold in my heart...I won't share =)
After wards Lana danced for me & Nomi joined her, it's really sweet~I'm seriously thinking of looking into dance lessons for Lan. She really loves it however, I have to find a place that teaches tasteful dancing. Oh well, that's a whole different subject.
So now, Lana is practicing her reading while Nomi "reads" the story she wrote to Daddy. The night will end as it always does.....
Daddy reads the bible to the girls & pray with them before putting them to bed, they give me "eyes & nose" before running off to be shushed so as not to wake up the baby. They will go to sleep "hopefully" & I do the dishes & get Dan's lunch ready while he relaxes in front of the TV.
I then vedge with him & we may even have a meaningful conversation.
So that's my day in great detail, at least today....who knows what tomorrow will be like.
Oh & on one last note as I finish this up I hear Nomi behind me saying over & over "I farted, I farted, I farted"
Ahhh....to have sweet little ladies ^-^
OK, I'm gonna try to work on this periodically throughout the next 10 hours or so cuz really, it's a lot of work to give my day "in great detail"
So, I woke up around 6:15 to Hopie's baby coos & talking. I really love when I wake up to those sweet sounds as opposed to having slept through that & now she's ticked & screaming for me. So this morning's alarm clock was a blessing. Honestly, I'm so groggy in the morning I really can't remember if I nursed her or not....I must have but it's a blur...OH!! Yea! Nursed in bed & fell asleep for about 10 minutes more & then she was grinning & talking with a full belly so we got up =)
I took her in the living room & put her in her Exersaucer to play while I got my morning started. I got a big glass of water & a Ghobani Greek Yogurt, so so sooooo yummy. But before having my morning snack I prayed. Ooh! I was having a hard time!! It's so hard the first few minutes to close my eyes & not fall back asleep, I mean I sit up & pray but maybe I should perch my toosh on the end of the sofa so I'm not too comfy =)
Anyway, God & I had a good talk, I really like Him. I know that sounds juvenile to some or maybe just too simple. But that's the truth, I really LIKE my God.
Then I texted Good Morning to my Angie Girl before she was off to school. I miss her ;(
OK, next I read His word, 1st & 2nd John & Psalm 1, not as much reading as I woulda liked but then Nomi woke up. Picture this~a petite girl with mussed up brown hair with a few wispy curls framing her face. She's all puffy eyed & smiles, with a yawn she says "Good Morning Mama"
I have happy smiles right now.
So she cuddles with me & chews on an apple as I finish up my Bible. Hope is bouncing & giggling~so far it's a good morning. Then the crabby Bear is up~Lana. I love my bear but she's not easy to please. She woke up complaining that we were too loud (?????) so I told her she needed to lay back down, she said she wanted to be with us so I said she could as long as she didn't complain.
At this point I was getting goofy tired again so I knew I was gonna fall asleep. I flipped on the TV & watched Dr. Creflo Dollar~he's pretty good, I've heard of him but never heard him preach. His sermon was encouraging & challenging & most definitely kept me awake!!
My Lana was feeling better & was smiley now.
So the girls got dressed & I warmed up some "pancapes" Angie cooked Saturday & gave Hope cereal, I always mash bananas in there & this time added a strawberry too. She was more then pleased :)
So now here we are, 3 hours later from where I began this post. Hope is having her morning nap, the girls are playing at the table & we're about to start school in just over 10 minutes.
......OK, for you it's been 1 or 2 seconds since the last sentence~for me it's been several hours & I'm pooped. School this morning DID NOT GO WELL. Hopie started fussing & screaming right away & I realized I didn't give her pain reliever for her teething gums. So I picked her up, gave her meds, & loved on her a bit. I laid her back down & she was very upset with me, so I'm trying to have a math lesson with Lana while going over Naomi's workbook with her & Hope is howling. I heard a loud thud & went running & praying into the bedroom thinking she fell out of the crib. Thank God she didn't, she must of been standing & fell backwards bonking her noggin on the headboard. After that ordeal I decided to throw in the towel & let her get up & we'd pick up our lessons after lunch. After she was happy on the & lose I realized I had to switch loads down in the basement =(
So I asked Lan to keep in eye on her as I ran like a maniac at top speed so my babies wouldn't be alone.
After I flew as fast as I could back upstairs I thoroughly enjoyed rollin around on the floor with my Rainbow Baby while the girls watched Micky Mouse Clubhouse. I gotta say, I love that show, it's pretty cute. Well, a little after 12 Hopie started rubbin her eyes & I gave her some lunch & laid her down. As I walked outta her room I looked across the hall to the bathroom & saw wet tissue stuck to the floor. Which only means one thing, Nomi peed on the floor & tried to clean it without telling me. But how could this be??
She was at that very moment laying on the floor watchin her show with the same clothes on.....
well, her pants were all wet!!!!!
I didn't have a good moment then, nowhere near a good moment. I was very very upset. I put her in the corner for not telling me. Peeing on the floor is an understandable mistake, trying to clean it up is actually very responsible but keeping the pee-pee clothes on. Mommy didn't handle that well.
So after I was more clear headed she & I cleaned up the bathroom floor with a bucket of vinegar & water. She kept telling me the floor was "duh-gusting'
Yea!! I know!!!!
The girls are waiting on some Mac n Cheese & so am I. I switched loads again just now & am planning on having some Astronomy & Literature lessons with the girls after we have our vittles. We'll see how that goes.
.....OK, it's now almost 8 pm. Hopie is in bed for the night aside from her 10 pm feeding with Mama, Nomi is eating some cookies for dessert, & Lana just finished up brushing her teeth.
However, I did stop with lunch so let me back up a bit. The girls & I had lunch with some homemade applesauce we made over the weekend =)
Lana wrote a story about "Dan & Jan" & read it to me with her own illustrations. Pretty cool. After a bit of time with me, the older girls played in their room with their princess tent while Hopie & I hung out. A little while after that I went to get the laundry from the basement after dropping a candle holder on my foot...nice. Things are startin to get kinda boring so I'll hit the highlights of the evening~Dan came home & we had a supper of Corned Beef & Cabbage, I just had the taste for it & it was yummy. I had to laugh because while it was cooking Nomi kept saying "something stinks" but she sure did wolf it down!!
During dinner Dan slipped over, looked me in the eye & said sweet things that took my breath away. Those words are mine to hold in my heart...I won't share =)
After wards Lana danced for me & Nomi joined her, it's really sweet~I'm seriously thinking of looking into dance lessons for Lan. She really loves it however, I have to find a place that teaches tasteful dancing. Oh well, that's a whole different subject.
So now, Lana is practicing her reading while Nomi "reads" the story she wrote to Daddy. The night will end as it always does.....
Daddy reads the bible to the girls & pray with them before putting them to bed, they give me "eyes & nose" before running off to be shushed so as not to wake up the baby. They will go to sleep "hopefully" & I do the dishes & get Dan's lunch ready while he relaxes in front of the TV.
I then vedge with him & we may even have a meaningful conversation.
So that's my day in great detail, at least today....who knows what tomorrow will be like.
Oh & on one last note as I finish this up I hear Nomi behind me saying over & over "I farted, I farted, I farted"
Ahhh....to have sweet little ladies ^-^
Sunday, October 24, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days.....Day 24
Day 24 - where you live
I live in Chicago Ridge, Illinois. I just moved here but I grew up in Chicago. So that's what I'm gonna post about.
Where do I start?
How about Mario's Italian Lemonade, Weber's Bakery, Al's Beef or how bout Home Run Inn Pizza??
Yes, we have some awesome goodies in Chicago~Mario's Italian Lemonade is the best summer time treat ever. If you ever visit Chicago you NEED to take a drive to University Village & have a cup. After some lemonade how about walking across the street for Al's Beef. This place is amazing!! Hot dogs, beefs, sausage, & mmmMMmmMm fresh cut fries.
So good, so good.
OK, enough about food. What about the sights, people, schools?
Well, I home school so don't ask me about schools, the people of Chicago are generally as kind to you as you are to them. And as far as the rumors of insane driving...it's true, we're nuts.
And last but not least there is much to see in Chicago. Downtown Chicago itself has much to offer, museums, parks, Navy Pier...really too much to list.
Wow, I kinda feel like a travel agent.
Mostly what I'd like to narrow it down to is "WHERE I LIVE" everyday & all day. I live in the presence of God. I live with Him paying attention to my heart & often times I forget that He's the unseen guest at my table & in my home. He is important to me but life happens & I neglect what & who's most crucial in my life. My relationship with Him.
So "Where I Live" is with my Savior in my heart & home. I look forward to the day I will live with Him in His.
I live in Chicago Ridge, Illinois. I just moved here but I grew up in Chicago. So that's what I'm gonna post about.
Where do I start?
How about Mario's Italian Lemonade, Weber's Bakery, Al's Beef or how bout Home Run Inn Pizza??
Yes, we have some awesome goodies in Chicago~Mario's Italian Lemonade is the best summer time treat ever. If you ever visit Chicago you NEED to take a drive to University Village & have a cup. After some lemonade how about walking across the street for Al's Beef. This place is amazing!! Hot dogs, beefs, sausage, & mmmMMmmMm fresh cut fries.
So good, so good.
OK, enough about food. What about the sights, people, schools?
Well, I home school so don't ask me about schools, the people of Chicago are generally as kind to you as you are to them. And as far as the rumors of insane driving...it's true, we're nuts.
And last but not least there is much to see in Chicago. Downtown Chicago itself has much to offer, museums, parks, Navy Pier...really too much to list.
Wow, I kinda feel like a travel agent.
Mostly what I'd like to narrow it down to is "WHERE I LIVE" everyday & all day. I live in the presence of God. I live with Him paying attention to my heart & often times I forget that He's the unseen guest at my table & in my home. He is important to me but life happens & I neglect what & who's most crucial in my life. My relationship with Him.
So "Where I Live" is with my Savior in my heart & home. I look forward to the day I will live with Him in His.
30 Posts in 30 Days.......Day 23
Day 23 - a you tube video that makes you laugh.
Well this is easy because I just posted it yesterday on Facebook. I LOVE this video. I suppose technically it's a KIA commercial & not exclusively You Tube, but come on...it's hysterical =)
Especially for Dan & I cuz it's a throw back to our younger years, so much so that as I...eh hem "rapped" along my Angie looked a wee bit embarrassed for me. Oh well, I don't care, you're only young once right & I can relive my glory days from time to time even if it's vicariously through hip hop hamsters.
And with that I leave you with 3 words...DO DAH DIPPITY.
Well this is easy because I just posted it yesterday on Facebook. I LOVE this video. I suppose technically it's a KIA commercial & not exclusively You Tube, but come on...it's hysterical =)
Especially for Dan & I cuz it's a throw back to our younger years, so much so that as I...eh hem "rapped" along my Angie looked a wee bit embarrassed for me. Oh well, I don't care, you're only young once right & I can relive my glory days from time to time even if it's vicariously through hip hop hamsters.
And with that I leave you with 3 words...DO DAH DIPPITY.
Friday, October 22, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 22
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
The website that has meant so much to me is NILMDTS.
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is a wonderful service provided to bereaved parents.
This is their mission statement~
To introduce remembrance photography to parents suffering the loss of a baby with the free gift of professional portraiture. We believe these images serve as an important step in the family's healing process by honoring their child's legacy.
After Isaac & Hannah passed I was so torn up & alone, I felt no one understood what I was going through & didn't know who I could possibly talk to. I stumbled across NILMDTS & their Parent & Family Forum
There I found mothers grieving with me, they were interested in knowing my children. They cared about Isaac & Hannah!! They weren't afraid or awkward when I was angry. They were loving & nurturing when I was broken. I love these women, the friends I've made in this forum.
I wish I didn't need to know them nor they me. But I'm thankful to God that he blessed me with these precious people in my life.
The website that has meant so much to me is NILMDTS.
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is a wonderful service provided to bereaved parents.
This is their mission statement~
To introduce remembrance photography to parents suffering the loss of a baby with the free gift of professional portraiture. We believe these images serve as an important step in the family's healing process by honoring their child's legacy.
After Isaac & Hannah passed I was so torn up & alone, I felt no one understood what I was going through & didn't know who I could possibly talk to. I stumbled across NILMDTS & their Parent & Family Forum
There I found mothers grieving with me, they were interested in knowing my children. They cared about Isaac & Hannah!! They weren't afraid or awkward when I was angry. They were loving & nurturing when I was broken. I love these women, the friends I've made in this forum.
I wish I didn't need to know them nor they me. But I'm thankful to God that he blessed me with these precious people in my life.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Day 20 & Day 21
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
I can't say I have many hobbies, I really don't. I keep telling myself I need to get one, to have something for "me"
I hope to start scrap booking because I LOVE pics of my babies so we'll see bout that.
Day 21 - a recipe
OK, this is sooooo my thing. I love cooking, baking, eating!!
I used to be so afraid to step in the kitchen, my MIL is an amazing cook, I mean she just doesn't mess up. I was so insecure because when Dan & I first met I really only knew how to make a few things & he was always talking about how knock down drag out GOOD his mama's cooking was. So eventually I tried what she does.....I looked at a recipe.
One day she said to me "I'm just lucky cuz I can read a recipe"
At first I thought she was bein sarcastic (insert insecure Daughter in Law *here*) but then I realized she was serious. She meant just take a crack at the recipe & see what happens. Lo & behold it worked! I can cook!!
SOoooOOOOooo.....here's a few of my faves
I can't say I have many hobbies, I really don't. I keep telling myself I need to get one, to have something for "me"
I hope to start scrap booking because I LOVE pics of my babies so we'll see bout that.
Day 21 - a recipe
OK, this is sooooo my thing. I love cooking, baking, eating!!
I used to be so afraid to step in the kitchen, my MIL is an amazing cook, I mean she just doesn't mess up. I was so insecure because when Dan & I first met I really only knew how to make a few things & he was always talking about how knock down drag out GOOD his mama's cooking was. So eventually I tried what she does.....I looked at a recipe.
One day she said to me "I'm just lucky cuz I can read a recipe"
At first I thought she was bein sarcastic (insert insecure Daughter in Law *here*) but then I realized she was serious. She meant just take a crack at the recipe & see what happens. Lo & behold it worked! I can cook!!
SOoooOOOOooo.....here's a few of my faves
Monkey Bread~My kids love this on Sunday mornings
1 Pkg (3.5 oz) vanilla pudding mix
3/4 cup sugar
1 T Cinnamon
1/2 cup chopped pecans
1/2 melted butter
3 tubes (10 oz each) refrigerated buttermilk biscuits
Combine pudding, sugar, cinnamon, & pecans in Ziploc bag & mix together. Coat individual biscuits in melted butter then shake in pudding mixture. Place in bundt pan sprayed w/ cooking oil. Continue with all biscuits are in pan, Bake @ 350 for about 25 minutes. Allow to cool for 10 minutes then invert onto serving plate. Best served warm.
Slow Cooked Mac-n-Cheese (my family demands this at the holidays)
1 Pkg (16oz) elbow macaroni
1/2 cup stick butter, melted
2 eggs, beaten
1 can (12oz) evaporated milk
1 can (10 oz) Campbell's condensed Cheddar Cheese Soup
1 cup milk
$ cups shredded Cheddar cheese, divided
paprika
Cook macaroni according to pkg directions, drain. Place in a 5 quart slow cooker; add butter. In a bowl, combine the eggs, evaporated milk, soup, milk, & 3 cups cheese. Pour over macaroni, stir to combine. Cover & cook on low for 4 hours. Sprinkle w/ remaining cheese & some paprika. Cook 15 minutes longer or until cheese is melted.
*I always top w/ an extra stick of butter, sliced in pats*
Honestly, I could go on for a long long time posting recipe after recipe but it's late & now I'm hungry =)
1 Pkg (3.5 oz) vanilla pudding mix
3/4 cup sugar
1 T Cinnamon
1/2 cup chopped pecans
1/2 melted butter
3 tubes (10 oz each) refrigerated buttermilk biscuits
Combine pudding, sugar, cinnamon, & pecans in Ziploc bag & mix together. Coat individual biscuits in melted butter then shake in pudding mixture. Place in bundt pan sprayed w/ cooking oil. Continue with all biscuits are in pan, Bake @ 350 for about 25 minutes. Allow to cool for 10 minutes then invert onto serving plate. Best served warm.
Slow Cooked Mac-n-Cheese (my family demands this at the holidays)
1 Pkg (16oz) elbow macaroni
1/2 cup stick butter, melted
2 eggs, beaten
1 can (12oz) evaporated milk
1 can (10 oz) Campbell's condensed Cheddar Cheese Soup
1 cup milk
$ cups shredded Cheddar cheese, divided
paprika
Cook macaroni according to pkg directions, drain. Place in a 5 quart slow cooker; add butter. In a bowl, combine the eggs, evaporated milk, soup, milk, & 3 cups cheese. Pour over macaroni, stir to combine. Cover & cook on low for 4 hours. Sprinkle w/ remaining cheese & some paprika. Cook 15 minutes longer or until cheese is melted.
*I always top w/ an extra stick of butter, sliced in pats*
Honestly, I could go on for a long long time posting recipe after recipe but it's late & now I'm hungry =)
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 19
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Hmmmmm....I'm not real sure on this one. I don't wanna sound boastful. People tell me I sing well so I suppose that qualifies. I'm also told I write well & that I am an encourager.
I don't often have the self confidence to go out there & say "look at me! I can do_____"
I know there are many things I like to do, I like to cook...wait~scratch that, I LOVE TO COOK. I love having people over & feeding them way too much food. Recently we had people over to celebrate Hopie's dedication & a friend of ours said "Tina you're very hospitable, you always have lots of food & it's nice to be here"
I was floored! I felt so good in that moment & I'm grinning now thinking about it =)
We've had many parties at our home & I like entertaining people. I hope one day to become "Mama"
Ya know? Mama, from the movie Soul Food. Every Sunday her children & their families would come over for fellowship & some good eatin. Now, they were nuts but hey...so's my family!
So, maybe that's my talent. Feeding all my friends & family way too much food & hopefully creating fun memories for all of them =)
Hmmmmm....I'm not real sure on this one. I don't wanna sound boastful. People tell me I sing well so I suppose that qualifies. I'm also told I write well & that I am an encourager.
I don't often have the self confidence to go out there & say "look at me! I can do_____"
I know there are many things I like to do, I like to cook...wait~scratch that, I LOVE TO COOK. I love having people over & feeding them way too much food. Recently we had people over to celebrate Hopie's dedication & a friend of ours said "Tina you're very hospitable, you always have lots of food & it's nice to be here"
I was floored! I felt so good in that moment & I'm grinning now thinking about it =)
We've had many parties at our home & I like entertaining people. I hope one day to become "Mama"
Ya know? Mama, from the movie Soul Food. Every Sunday her children & their families would come over for fellowship & some good eatin. Now, they were nuts but hey...so's my family!
So, maybe that's my talent. Feeding all my friends & family way too much food & hopefully creating fun memories for all of them =)
Monday, October 18, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 18
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
My wedding...well honestly. It wasn't what I thought it would be. Now, I love Dan & am happy to have married him but I didn't get my dream wedding. Nor did I fully understand the magnitude of my commitment before GOD. I wasn't a believer then so I was marrying Dan with all the right reasons by the worlds standards.
I'm afraid this sounds wrong, like I didn't want to get married. I did & consider it the best decision I've ever made. Dan is the only man on this earth who "gets" me or who will actually put up with me!!
But, we were married in the courthouse & I wore a dress that he liked but honestly I didn't like. We didn't have our own rings either so we used my parents who are now divorced. My sister couldn't make it in time & that made me sad because she's important to me. Plus I was so nervous the judge actually told me to "breathe"
So, I would very much like to have a renewal of vows.
I would like to be able to take the time to tell Dan what he means to me by writing my own vows. I would like to be a testimony to others of God in our marriage during the ceremony. I have LOTS of ideas which I can't write here because some of them are surprises for Dan & he reads this =)
But ultimately for a future wedding I want to invite God to be involved considering He wasn't the first time & I want the opportunity to tell Dan how wonderful he is in front of all our family & friends.
Now, I need to mention some wonderful memories I have of our wedding. My Angie who is now 15 but was 7 at the time was my Maid of Honor (I'm happy smiling right now)
My mommy made my bouquet & it was absolutely beautiful. And last but not least, I mentioned I was very VERY nervous. Well, I can remember as clear as a bell~ Dan....he was just sweetly smiling at me & holding my hands in his, & I thought "wow, he really loves me"
My wedding...well honestly. It wasn't what I thought it would be. Now, I love Dan & am happy to have married him but I didn't get my dream wedding. Nor did I fully understand the magnitude of my commitment before GOD. I wasn't a believer then so I was marrying Dan with all the right reasons by the worlds standards.
I'm afraid this sounds wrong, like I didn't want to get married. I did & consider it the best decision I've ever made. Dan is the only man on this earth who "gets" me or who will actually put up with me!!
But, we were married in the courthouse & I wore a dress that he liked but honestly I didn't like. We didn't have our own rings either so we used my parents who are now divorced. My sister couldn't make it in time & that made me sad because she's important to me. Plus I was so nervous the judge actually told me to "breathe"
So, I would very much like to have a renewal of vows.
I would like to be able to take the time to tell Dan what he means to me by writing my own vows. I would like to be a testimony to others of God in our marriage during the ceremony. I have LOTS of ideas which I can't write here because some of them are surprises for Dan & he reads this =)
But ultimately for a future wedding I want to invite God to be involved considering He wasn't the first time & I want the opportunity to tell Dan how wonderful he is in front of all our family & friends.
Now, I need to mention some wonderful memories I have of our wedding. My Angie who is now 15 but was 7 at the time was my Maid of Honor (I'm happy smiling right now)
My mommy made my bouquet & it was absolutely beautiful. And last but not least, I mentioned I was very VERY nervous. Well, I can remember as clear as a bell~ Dan....he was just sweetly smiling at me & holding my hands in his, & I thought "wow, he really loves me"
Sunday, October 17, 2010
30 Posts in 30 Days....Day 17
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
I have been blessed with a beautiful friend by the name of Toni who painted a wonderful piece of work I'd like to share with you. Saying I'm "moved" by this piece of art is an understatement. I've posted about Toni & her art before, you can read about it here.
Again...thank you Toni.
I have been blessed with a beautiful friend by the name of Toni who painted a wonderful piece of work I'd like to share with you. Saying I'm "moved" by this piece of art is an understatement. I've posted about Toni & her art before, you can read about it here.
Again...thank you Toni.
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